I'm Stepping In

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 01:30:00 +0000

Catch up:

*In mid Nov, hearing for DH's petition for contempt was scheduled for December 3rd.

*CPS case in BM's state was closed shortly after the hearing was set.

*DH received copy of CPS report in BM's state. BM denied ever having huffed with or without SS1 and SS2, but Perpetual Fiance admitted he was a huffer. CPS assessed a low risk, since BM stated they would now be buying whipped cream in a tub.

*December 2nd, DH's lawyer gets a call from the court clerk stating BM wanted a continuance because she wanted to make sure the judge had the CPS report and she had not submitted one yet. DH's lawyer let the clerk know that we had a copy we would be happy to submit to the court. BM's request for a continuance was denied. (Made her look pretty stupid that she was the one that wanted the court to have the report, yet DH was able to have his act together enough to already have a copy! Apparently she didn't care enough to get her copy ahead of time.)

*December 3rd, contempt hearing - parenting plan ordered this spring specifically states that neither parent will subject SS1 and SS2 to anyone doing illegal drugs, including either parent. Due to BM's contempt of this order by teaching the boys to huff from whipped cream containers, DH is asking for BM's parenting time to be suspended pending 1) Substance Abuse assessment, 2) Mental Health assessment, 3) Parenting classes, and 4) BM petitioning the court to hold another hearing to determine if parenting time should be reinstated.

-Judge heard from DH's attorney - he spoke for about 5 minutes recapping what had happened.

-Judge asked for info from our state's CPS who had interviewed the boys. We tried to get the report submitted, but BM had not signed the release yet (big surprise), so all the judge would allow the attorney to do is read parts into the record, since BM agreed to that verbally. Judge was not happy BM hadn't done anything to get the report released.

-Judge received CPS report from BM's state from DH's lawyer. This was able to be submitted because BM had already signed a release for her copy.

-Judge heard from BM (she always appears telephonically). 10 minute rant. Highlights include 1) her list of medical ailments (including mental health issues), 2) the high dose of Oxycontin she has been prescribed for the last 8 years (BM's words : I take so much Oxycontin, what do I need whipped cream for?) 3) She has "voluntarily" taken herself off of ALL her meds, and has been suffering weeks of withdrawal for the boys 4) DH takes her to court all the time (since divorce was final in 2002, we have only gone back 2x - once was a joint petition to allow DH to move out of state with the boys, and once was to have the parenting plan changed to meet our current state standards), basically, her first 10 minutes where spent playing the victim card.

-Judge hears from DH's attorney again. Short and sweet - both the boys reported the abuse to DH, CPS and our local police chief. There is no reason to believe the boys would not be telling the truth.

-Judge hears from BM again. Another 10 minute rant, (this time completely used to deflect and project, since victim wasn't working out well for her) which included using curse words in front of the judge, accusing SS1 and SS2 of smoking pot since they were 12 (which surprisingly she has never reported to authorities and forgot to mention to the GAL at the beginning of this year, hmmm), accusing SS1 of making this all up because he didn't want to go out at Christmas (she told the judge that she had told SS1 he had to either come for every day he has off, or not come at all. The current parenting plan leaves the travel plans up to the boys - they decide how much of their time they want to spend there. BM's ultimatum violates the parenting plan and very clearly shows that it is all about HER and not the boys). This last point peaked the judges interest enough to ask her a follow-up question. (Our suspicion is that it was to confirm what appeared to be his current perception that she is completely nuts and lying through her teeth.)

-Judge asks BM the follow up question, very simple. When did you have this conversation with SS1 that leads you to believe SS1 and SS2 made up the huffing allegations to get out of traveling to see you?

-BM stutters, hesitates, uhmms, and then states she'd have to look at her calendar. Judge asks could she tell him what month? Stutter, hesitation, uhmmms, it was September, the day before CPS came to see her.

***********BM just put the last nail in her coffin.***********

(Boys reported to CPS in August, CPS came to visit her in October.)

-Judge says that he'll take what she has to say into consideration, gets up and leaves the courtroom. Judge was pissed.

DH's lawyer was shocked. He'd never had a judge just get up and leave and not make a final address to both parties. After listening to her 20 minutes worth of rants of horrible accusations, we were all a bit overwhelmed. DH's lawyer didn't know what to make of it, and the waiting game began. After a week, an order still had not been made. After two weeks, an order was "in the system" but the clerk could give no further info. Finally, December 22nd, we finally hear from the lawyer - he received a copy of the order.

1) BM's parenting time is suspended, she is found in contempt.
2) BM is required to submit a Substance Abuse Assessment.
3) BM is required to petition the court for another hearing to determine if parenting time is reinstated.
4) Judge handwrites on the order that the court is NOT convinced that the children are lying.

So now the boys do not have to be sent back to BM until she gets the assessment, files it with the court, and requests another hearing. I don't see making traveling plans anytime soon!

While we are disappointed that the judge did not order the parenting classes DH requested, we are pleased that BM stated on record some of her mental health issues herself. She also admitted that Perpetual Fiance was a drug user, while in her mind deflected the attention off herself, but in reality, had she read the parenting plan closely enough, she would have realized that in itself was grounds for contempt. We don't believe for one minute that she did not huff with the boys, but if her admitting Perpetual Fiance does it was enough to tip the judge to issue the contempt, so be it. We are also quite pleased that BM's parenting time will not be reinstated until SHE completes several actions. With BM's history of follow-through, just about non-existent, we are quite confident that BM will drop the ball on reinstating parenting time herself. She's already told the boys they won't be coming for a year, so it seems she's not really in a hurry to get any of it done.

As well as court went for DH, we are extremely disappointed in the CPS investigation in her state. Our state's investigator was very concerned, but as BM lives in another state, his hands were tied. The investigator in BM's state sounded like she was fresh out of school when DH talked to her on the phone. Her report clearly indicates that she completely bought BM's story about not huffing with the children, and is completely naive if she thinks that anyone who admits to huffing whipped cream is now going to buy whipped cream in a tub. Whatever! The fact that BM's household was not required to receive some substance abuse assistance from CPS is horrible. The boys have a younger sister that is subjected to this everyday. And if BM and Perpetual Fiance haven't huffed with her yet, it won't be long.

Hopefully BM takes some time to get the help she needs, but with her parents constantly making excuses for her and provide for her (they told the boys they don't believe that the huffing happened, they pay for her phone, rent, travel, etc), a Perpetual Fiance that will constantly take the bullet for her, and a child (the boys younger sister) that has been programmed to never tell anything that happens at their house to anyone else, the chances of her ever getting better are pretty slim. SS1 turns 18 next October, so he won't have to deal with her "parenting time" anymore. SS2 will probably be 16 or older before he ever goes back, if he does at all. Aside from any retaliatory actions BM may take, which I'm sure will not amount to anything more than a pain in the ass, DH and I are finally able to breathe a sigh of relief after 10 years! We could not ask for a better present!

Anyone out there that is worried the chaos may never end, don't ever lose faith. Having spent almost 25% of my life dealing with BM's terrorism, having wondered myself if I was strong enough, if DH was strong enough, if the kids were strong enough to survive, I can tell you that focusing on whatever positive there is will get you through. Step by step, inch by inch, frustration after frustration, change can happen. While it may not come fast enough to save your children's childhood, every positive action you take to try to overcome will be one more piece of their lives you can claim back for them. Every injustice you bring to light will teach them they should not allow themselves to be abused.

A big shout out to Mister M at thepsychoexwife.com, and everyone on thepsychoexwife.com forums for all the support, encouragement, strategy assistance and humor! Without finding this group of wonderful people all suffering through emotional terrorism of their own, I don't know if DH and I would have had the strength to continue the struggle.

Thank you, Perpetual Fiance!

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 01:23:00 +0000

So apparently Perpetual Fiance has gained control in his own home. Instead of being BM's lapdog and allowing himself to be forced into continuing BM's chaos by making phone threats to DH, he has actually put his foot down. After BM's hysterical verbal beating on SS1 this afternoon, Perpetual Fiance left SS1 a message, letting him know that BM's behavior was inappropriate and that the boys should not be worrying about anything. He then intercepted SS2's call with BM to lay down the same ground rules. Finally! Don't know where this sense of clarity has come from, but the boys certainly appreciate the support. DH knows exactly what this man deals with on a day to day basis with BM, and we've always wanted to have his back should he need our support, but it has been difficult to help when he's made it clear he has been forced to protect his own parental interests with his daughter by doing BM's bidding.

Hopefully, Perpetual Fiance is realizing that only if BM is held accountable for her actions will she ever see the need to get help. (Hopefully for his daughter's sake, he's realizing this sooner than later.)

And the only way that is going to happen is if everyone that interacts with her gets on the same page with us and says enough is enough. Everyone needs to stop allowing her to make DH her scapegoat for why she can treat her children like emotional dart boards. The boys are not her personal therapists. The boys are not her friends. Last week she had the urge to fill some emotional vacuum in her own life by sending SS2 (14) a card that one would give an adult. And I quote "When you were growing up, I knew that one day we would talk like friends - like adults. Now that time is here..." HE'S 14!!! That time is not here, he's not done growing up, he shouldn't be talked to like he's an adult. Sadly, she's been treating them like her adult friends since they were very young. DH hasn't prevented BM from being a parent to the boys, she has vacated the role all on her own. And the only way she can reclaim any sense of parental authority with them after this summer's huffing incident is to take responsibility and reclaim her title as a parent.

But instead she thinks DH is just supposed to make excuses for her behavior and pretend it didn't happen? What kind of parent would he be then? And what chance would the boys have of making any sense of this world? And how safe would the boys be in her care if she is given no limits?

BM has caused enough pain in enough people's lives. It is time she gets the help she needs to appreciate the people in her life who want to see her have positive relationships with those that care about her. For the boys' well-being, we will settle for nothing less.

You'd think she'd learn...

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:22:00 +0000

Does BM really think calling the kids to swear, scream, and threaten makes them have a stronger relationship? Clueless and out of control. The boys are so over it. Will she ever understand that she is damaging her relationship with her children herself?

Over the hills, through the woods, it's off to court we go...

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:01:00 +0000

DH talked to the caseworker in BM's state. The case is still open. All the other times cases have been opened on BM, they have been closed in a matter of weeks. We are going on to the fourth month now. Obviously there is something else going on over there...perhaps the level of domestic discord in the house? ...perhaps prescription drug addiction? ...perhaps BM's unstable mental health? One can only guess, these are just the things we have experienced - who knows what goes on when the boys aren't there that we don't even know about. The caseworker made it very clear that she does not see the case closing anytime soon - that was all she would tell him. Confidentiality, ya know. WTF? DH is supposed to send two kids to her house and he doesn't have the right to know what is going on there?

DH filed the contempt petition (for the huffing) almost two weeks ago, he's still waiting on a hearing date to serve on BM. It will be very interesting to see how she reacts with the eagle eyes of CPS on her. He's asking the judge to suspend her parenting time (ugh, it makes me just want to gag using that phrase, she is so far from a parent!) until the CPS case is closed, and then require BM to petition the court to resume her time after copies of the report are furnished to the judge and DH, and after a hearing is held. I can't believe we finally have enough to take to court, and BM did it all to herself.

I'll keep you posted as we find out more. As always, the waiting game begins...

Whip-it, whip-it good.

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 01:28:00 +0000

SS1's week trip was midway through SS2's 6 week trip. Shortly after we picked SS1 up from the airport, DH and SS1 took a road trip to visit DH's parents. DH called me from the road - he'd about had it. SS1 had spent 4 hours complaining about his trip. It would take hours to type up all of it, and almost all of it we can't do anything about anyway. However...

...DH starts asking me about whip-its. I'm like, what? He had no idea either, he just said SS1 was pissed about it. So on the internet I go. Ready for this?

Whip-its: using a whipped cream can to suck out the gas which dispenses the whipped cream to get high. In other words, HUFFING. We'd talked to the boys about huffing in the past, but in relation to chemicals like cleaning products or stuff you would find in a garage. But we hadn't even heard of using whipped cream containers.

When DH and SS1 got back from their trip a couple weeks later, we talked to SS1 about it some more. Apparently, SS1 asked BM why there were 8 empty whipped cream containers in her fridge. She then proceeds to tell the boys how cool it is, shows them how to do it, and tells them that her and Perpetual Fiance do it often. Then she tells them to try it. WTF?

As if that wasn't enough, she bought SS1 a pack of cigarettes!

After the shock of it all wore off, DH and I got some advice from several sources. We talked to a couple close friends - same reaction as ours. We talked to our local police chief, who had gotten to know SS1 very well right after his friend's suicide. He offered to come over to the house with the DARE officer to discuss the dangers with the boys, which they followed through on. Did you know you can die instantly from huffing? Of course, MOTY told the boys it was safe because it is the same gas they use at the dentist. Ummmm, I'm pretty sure dentists are licensed to administer that drug. I also posted on a message board I regularly frequent, and the responses were quite in line with what we were planning. After SS2 arrived home, we contacted CPS. Both boys told the investigator what had happened, and we stressed to the boys this was not about getting their mom in trouble, but protecting their sister. If SS1 was there a week and witnessed the huffing, imagine how often their sister sees it happening! She's 8. Even SS2 at 14 didn't realize how serious this is. DH and I would feel awful if we knew that was going on there and something tragic happened. Because we are in different states, the investigation is still ongoing, and of course the Friday before the Monday we talked to the investigator BM left a message on DH's phone saying they are moving back to FormerHomeState, and then moving to one of two other states. So she's on the move, and it may take a while for CPS to catch up to her.

She has not yet given us her new address, so the boys will not be making any trips anytime soon. We're sure she is expecting them at Christmas, but if the case is still open when it is time to make the travel arrangements (early November), we will be doing what we need to do in court to make sure they do not go. Our lawyer finds it very unlikely that the Marital Master would force a trip with an open case with CPS regarding drug use, especially since it is against our court order. Huffing is also against the law in BM's state where this happened, a misdemeanor to do it, a felony to supply chemicals to another to do it. She did both. If there is a CPS finding, criminal charges may follow shortly.

Or, things could go as they usually do when dealing with a PEW, everyone looks the other way...

Final Hearing and Parenting Plan

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 01:15:00 +0000

Final hearing was set for the end of May. Of course, BM waits until the last minute to contact our lawyer to settle. But whatever. Our plan worked, asking for sole decision making completely tweaked her out, and she agreed to everything else in the parenting plan, as long as joint decision making remained. Ummm, yeah. There was no way DH would get sole decision making. But thanks for walking right into that one. You can find the final parenting plan below, with my favorite parts in bold ; )

At the hearing, BM rambles on about the boys' phone again. She told the judge the phone was on my computer. Huh? DH explained the boys' have their own hand held Skype phone with their own voice mail. Marital Master asked DH if he would be willing to tell the boys to call BM if she hasn't heard from them in a week. DH said no problem, but it is not in the order.

This parenting plan is: Proposed by DH and BM
This parenting plan is: Changing a prior final parenting plan or a prior final
custody/visitation order.
This parenting plan is for the following children born to the parties:
SS1, SS2

A. Decision-Making Responsibility:

1. Major Decisions: Both parents maintain joint
decision making responsibility and share in the responsibility for making
major decisions about the children.

2. Day-to-Day Decisions: Each parent shall make day-to day decisions for
the children during the time he/she is caring for the children. In “life threatening”
emergency decisions affecting the health or safety of the
children, the parent who makes the decision will notify the other parent
within 3 hours of the emergency, with a description of the incident,
treatment center name and phone number, and confirmation that
insurance information has been provided to the treatment center. All non
life threatening medical treatment must have prior approval of the child’s
primary care physician in the primary residence location.

B. Residential Responsibility & Parenting Schedule:
1. Routine Schedule: DH will continue to be the primary
residential parent. The children shall negotiate their own visitation
schedule, including no less than two visitations per year with their mother,
BM.

2. Holiday and Birthday Planning: No holiday and birthday schedule shall
apply. The routine schedule set forth above shall apply.

3. Three-day weekends: No three-day weekend schedule shall apply. The
routine schedule set forth above shall apply.

4. Vacation Schedule: No vacation schedule shall apply. The routine
schedule set forth above shall apply.

5. Supervised Parenting Time: Not Applicable

6. Other Parental Responsibilities: Each parent shall promote a healthy,
beneficial relationship between the child(ren) and the other parent and
shall not demean or speak out negatively in any manner that would
damage the relationship between either parent and the child(ren). Neither
parent shall permit the child(ren) to be subjected to persons abusing
alcohol or using illegal drugs. This includes the abuse of alcohol or the
use of illegal drugs by the parent.

C. Legal Residence of a Child for School Attendance:
The children shall attend school in the school district where the parent with
primary residential responsibility resides. Under this plan, that parent is DH.

D. Transportation and Exchange of the Children:
All parties shall receive notification of travel dates no less than 45 days prior to
the beginning of the visitation period. DH will be financially
responsible for 2 visitations per child per year. Once travel arrangements are made, there will be no changes in departure/return dates or destinations. Only flights cancelled by the airline will be rebooked by the purchasing party.

E. Information Sharing and Access, Including Telephone and Electronic Access:
Both parents have equal rights to inspect and receive the child(ren)’s school
records, and both parents are encouraged to consult with school staff concerning
the child(ren)’s welfare and education. Both parents are encouraged to
participate in and attend the child(ren)’s school events.
Both parents have equal rights to inspect and receive governmental agency and
law enforcement records concerning the child(ren).
Both parents have equal rights to consult with any person who may provide care
or treatment for the child(ren) and to inspect and receive the child(ren)’s medical,
dental or psychological records, subject to other statutory restrictions.

Each parent has a continuing responsibility to provide a residential, mailing, or
contact address and contact telephone number to the other parent.

1. Parent-Child Telephone Contact: The children shall be given privacy
during their conversations with either parent. The children are at an age that
they can decide the frequency of initiating phone contact and returning phone
calls. While in the care of DH, the children are provided their own
telephone and telephone line, with voicemail for BM to access. While in
the care of BM, a call will be made by DH to her phone once
a week to speak to the children, with the children being able to determine
frequency of any other calls. On school nights, telephone calls will cease 10
minutes before each child’s usual bedtime.

2. Parent-Child Written Communications: Both parents and children shall
have the right to communicate in writing or by emailing (as available) during
reasonable hours.

F. Relocation of a Residence of a Child:
The relocation of a child’s residence in which s/he lives at least 150 days per
year is governed by RSA 461-A:12. In general, either parent may move the
child’s residence if it results in the parents living closer and if it will not affect the child’s school enrollment. Prior to relocating the child’s residence farther from the other parent or in such a way that school enrollment will be impacted, the parent
shall provide reasonable notice to the other parent. For purposes of this section,
60 days notice shall be presumed to be reasonable unless other factors are
found to be present. At the request of either parent, the court shall hold a hearing
on the relocation issue.

G. Procedure for Review and Adjustment of Parenting Plan:
Any agreed-on changes, on an as needed basis, shall be written down, signed by
both and filed with the court by DH. (Each should keep a copy.) Any
such agreements may not be revoked or changed without subsequent written
agreement by both parties. Any violations of written agreements filed with the
court will be considered contempt of this order.

H. Method(s) for Resolving Disputes:
In the future, if a parent requests to alter the parenting plan and the other parent
declines, it is the responsibility of the requesting parent to seek the help of a
neutral third party to assist them, and the requesting party is responsible for any
charges that may be incurred. Only if the parents are unable to work out the
disagreement after seeking third party assistance will they ask the court to decide
the issue. If necessary, upon request of either party, a mutually agreeable
neutral third party can assist with the visitation negotiation process. The
requesting party is responsible for any charges that may be incurred.

I. Other Parenting Agreements:
1. Contact between BM and DH will be by written
communication or voice mail messages, unless dealing with emergency
medical or flight rebookings due to a flight being cancelled by the airline.
Email communications for day to day issues will be acceptable.

2. Upon obtaining a driver’s license, the child(ren) will be listed as an
insured driver on BM’s insurance policy or she shall not allow the
child(ren) to operate a motor vehicle during her parenting time.

This summer, SS1 went to BM's for 1 week. SS2 went for 6 weeks (a far cry from the "whole summer" she demanded last year ; ) We have a feeling next year he will only go out for 4 weeks, he thought 6 weeks was too long - not surprising since his main activity was babysitting his sister day in and day out.

For the most part, the time the boys were there was uneventful for us. We did receive one call from the pediatrician letting us know that BM had called AGAIN about trying to get SS2's thyroid tested. Pediatrician let her know that if there were any concerns, she would discuss it with DH after SS2 got back. We had dropped off the order in her office before the boys left, so she was well aware that BM needed her approval for anything. By the way, since last summer's thyroid fiasco, SS2 gained only 3 pounds in a year and grew almost and inch and a half. He came back from 6 weeks with BM this summer 20 pounds heavier. Me thinks it has little to do with his thyroid. Get a clue.

Since this order has been in place, BM had violated several parts. What's it been, 4 months?

1) She had SS1 drive this summer, and he is not on her insurance.

2) She spent the whole first day of SS1's trip ranting about DH and everything from the past she could sqeeze in. SS1 finally told her it has nothing to with him and he didn't want to hear about it. I'm sure SS2 got an earful too, but he's under strict instructions not to discuss anything with us, though.

2) She and the boys used an illegal drug TOGETHER. See next post...

Anyone seen my drugs?

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 01:11:00 +0000

So, in addition to the info about the disorderly conduct arrest, there were a few other interesting police reports. The police had been called a couple times to deal with prescription drug issues. One call must have been made by a neighbor because BM was mid-rant when the cop showed up. Perpetual Fiance was extremely calm, as the officer made a point of mentioning how calm he was and how out of control BM was. She was ranting about Perpetual Fiance flushing her prescription meds down the toilet.

The other call was BM reporting that Perpetual Fiance had stolen her medicine a few months apart from the other incident. This officer actually called her Dr. about it. Guess what the Dr. said. He's not surprised, that this is not the first time BM has told him stories about things happening to her prescriptions.

Guess what the police did? Nada.

Now we know that BM's parents have already tried to detox her a couple times because they told us. We suspect she has multiple doctors with multiple prescriptions, and they don't know about each other. Pain killers are her passion. When the boys were younger, they would comment about how one whole cabinet in the kitchen was filled with orange bottles. BM conveniently made a point of telling DH before Christmas that Perpetual Fiance would not be around during the boys' time out there, as he was trying to get off prescription drugs and she couldn't handle having him around (she told the boys he was looking for a job in another state). Now that is calling the kettle black. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if Perpetual Fiance HAD to drug himself to get through a day with her. But make no mistake about it, BM is the addict. Can you say projection? DH and I think things were not going well between BM and Perpetual Fiance, and she made some kind of deal with him that if he would get lost for a week or so, she'd (fill in the blank with any unkept promise). She could not afford to have an incident while the boys were there as we were mid-case in court. She could sleep the days away and no one would be on her case. SS1 and SS2 spent a lot of time playing with their sister outside when BM wasn't "feeling" good. You get the picture.

And what do you know - a couple days after the boys left, Perpetual Fiance was back. Surprise, Surprise.

Disorderly Conduct

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:47:00 +0000

After pre-trial, some information came light that we needed to investigate. Apparently Perpetual Fiance had been arrested and charged with Disorderly Conduct. We frequently check the state's online court records databases for whichever state BM happens to be living in at the moment. Only found things a few times, but lo and behold, we had a hit again this spring. We called the local police dept to get the police report from the incident, and come to find out, there have been several calls to BM's address since she has been in this state. So we requested copies of all of them. The only one we could not get was the one regarding the disorderly conduct, as it was still an open case. So we fired off a letter to the judge in the case, letting him know that there were minor children that visited the home and that DH had concerns about their safety, that we were unable to get a report from the police, and would his Honor be willing to release the info to DH. A couple weeks later, we get a letter from the judge, along with copies of the charges and description about what happened. The funny part was, the judge cc'd Perpetual Fiance and the DA, which of course is only proper. Not surprisingly, once BM found out we found out about what was going on in the house, settlement came very quickly!

According to the report, Perpetual Fiance had gone out to have some drinks, apparently stayed out past his "curfew", BM starts arguing with him when he gets home and threatens to call the police (which is her first line of attack when she doesn't get what she wants). Perpetual Fiance grabbed the phone from her, BM claims he hit her in the face, and then she proceeds to actually call the cops on him. The officer was very explicit about the fact that SS1 and SS2's 8 year old sister was hysterical when the officer arrived and had heard the whole argument. Perpetual Fiance arrested (in the state they live in, if the police come out to your house for a disturbance, someone MUST go to jail). The report was taken in the wee hours of the morning, I wouldn't doubt on a school night. I'm sure SS1 and SS2's sister had a great day at school the next day. Not surprisingly, once BM made her point (don't you dare do anything I disapprove of or I will make you pay), she tried to have the charges dropped, but, alas, that just wasn't in the cards. Perpetual Fiance had to go to court, they put the case on file, which means as long as he does his "Anger Management" and stays out of trouble for a year, the charges go away.

Of course, we have no idea what really happened that night, but from our experiences and more specifically DH's experiences with her, we have a pretty good guess. Perpetual Fiance had had enough of her shit, went out with some friends, came home too late for her liking, she laid in on him and threatened this and that, and then when he DARED to pull the phone away from her because she was over-reacting, her lesson teaching instincts went into overdrive. What is stupid about the whole situation is that 1) she should have been the one spending the night in jail, 2) Perpetual Fiance is an adult and can go out and have a few drinks whenever he wants to, 3) and Mommy of the Year awards typically do not go out to mothers of 8 year olds up in the wee hours of the morning being subjected to their mother's tirades.

Regardless...it was clear that nothing bad enough happened to make any difference with the boys' trips out there.

Catching up...

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:29:00 +0000

Well, time has just flown by - unfortunately, life has gotten into the way of blogging about life, things have settled a bit, so I'm going to attempt to reconstruct the last 6 months or so.

Shortly after my last blog post in March, a close friend of SS1 committed suicide. SS1 had just been sitting with her on the bus ride home that day, and about 10 pm that evening, some of his friends drove over to tell him the news. We didn't see SS1 for about a week straight - all the kids took the week off of school until the memorial service and spent time together at the family's house. We live in a small town, and everything basically stopped for the close circle of friends. The next week after the memorial, when SS1 began to try to get into his routine, it became quite obvious that he was having a very difficult time. He ranted, he exploded, he went on and on about BM and the crappy things she has done, he pushed and pushed at DH and I, he wanted nothing to do with his brother, school, or hobbies he had previously enjoyed. He had counseling at school, we took him to his regular counselor, and even a month later, he was still struggling. His grades took a nose dive (he ended up failing one class that trimester), he sulked, answered questions in one word sentences, obsessed over pictures he had of his friend. Every time we would see the smallest glimmer of his old personality, it was gone. It was a long few months. Thankfully school let out in June, and summer was a welcome reprieve from trying to get SS1 to do ANYTHING. He worked a few odd jobs here and there, but other than that, he just hung out with his friends. Slowly, he seemed to be getting a grip, he would go for several days in a row without mentioning his friend, now he goes a couple weeks. He started going swimming, riding his 4 wheeler, joking with his brother. Things are much better now, he clearly still misses his friend, but he seems to have accepted that his life should go on, and that it is not disrespecting her memory to go and have a good time. What a sad, sad spring we had.

Heh...my Perpetual Fiance wants to talk to you...

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:38:00 +0000

After a few minutes of talking about it, DH and I think that it wasn't BM's father that ranted to our attorney today. We think it was BM's boyfriend, otherwise known as Perpetual Fiance.

1. Yelling on the phone is very OUT OF character for BM's father.

2. Yelling on the phone is very IN character for Perpetual Fiance.

What we are still pondering is if our attorney misheard and the caller said he was SS1 and SS2's SISTER's father, or if he just flat out claimed to be BM's father.

Isn't it amazing how a simple act of attending a hearing can be filled with so much drama, mystery and chaos????? How do we all get through our days living so normally?

My daddy needs to talk to you...

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:56:00 +0000

Alrighty then, today we had our pretrial hearing. Before I go into the comical events of the day, I'll update you on the GAL's report.

GAL Report:

The GAL's report was short and sweet, as he mostly addressed only the visitation issues. SS1 wants Christmas and only two weeks in the summer at BM's. SS2 wants Christmas, April vacation and all of summer. Ironically, about 1 1/2 weeks before we get the GAL report, SS2 informs us that he wants to play golf next year (his freshman year in high school). Guess what? Practice starts two weeks before school starts. When we got the GAL report we explained to him that he already had his opportunity to let the GAL know what he wanted and he apparently did not make it clear enough, so it was up to him to get his mother to agree, and that we would not be making any efforts with BM to make that happen for him.

Regarding our petition for sole decision-making based on the medical issues of last summer, the GAL merely recommended that any medical issues be addressed with the boys' primary care physician. This is a step in the right direction, but we are going to ask that the order specifically states that BM needs to notify DH in advance, as it should not be up to the physician to do BM's parenting for her.

Pre-Trial hearing:

So we get to the courthouse and are in the waiting room with the GAL and our attorney. The family court is in the process of moving, so we were kind of curious how this was all going to pan out since they had already removed the phones to the new building (BM always appears via telephone because of her "illnesses". The lucky body part of the day today was her pancreas - new one, she hadn't gone there yet!) Lo and behold, someone from the Superior Court stopped by our table and let our attorney know she was on the phone. But when our attorney got there, it was actually her FATHER! He went on this tirade about how messed up the family court was. Our attorney came back chuckling and told us what happened. About 10 minutes later, another woman from the Superior Court office came over and said BM was now on the phone. Attorney goes to talk to her and record her pretrial statement. No official hearing - never even saw the marital master.

What happens now, you ask?

BM told attorney that she was done, ready to settle. She stated that SS2 will be coming to see her in April. What she doesn't realize is that the April vacation was only recommended by the GAL - it is not officially ordered. So if she doesn't settle by the end of this week, it is highly unlikely that SS2 will be coming out for April.

While we were sitting with the GAL and our attorney, the GAL suggested the same thing we suggested to BM back in January, which was that each of the boys meet with a third party (we had suggested their counselor, but our GAL volunteered to be the third party today) to express their wishes for each vacation time, the GAL would determine the dates, ask BM if she wanted the kids on those dates - yes or no, the flights would be made, and there would be no changes. DH and I are all on board with that! We have no problem with the GAL getting a first hand experience trying to make arrangements with BM.

So, she either agrees with this new old plan ASAP, or we go to final hearing, which would be set for about 30 days from now, well after April vacation.

I can't believe she had her father call the courthouse! Makes us think she may be back living with her parents in FormerHomeState, though. It seems unusual that he would call unless she was right in front of him pitching a fit. We'll find out if she doesn't pick up the paperwork at the current address she has on file with the court! When we were leaving, we apologized to our attorney for having to listen to the BS from BM's father, and let him know, unfortunately, BM's dad is the mellow one! Attorney shook his head, rolled his eyes and laughed.

He really has no idea!

Sorry it has been so long...

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 19:04:00 +0000

Jeez, time flies! I have been thoroughly enamored with Mister M's new forum, www.thepsychoexwife.com/forums/, plus I haven't been wanting to post any info that is still in the works, just in case.

Here's what I can update so far (more to come at the beginning of April)...

Winter Break - BM finally emailed us the info needed for the airline - big surprise, she hasn't even changed her Driver's License yet (it is still from FormerHomeState, even though she has been living in her new state for almost a year). The engine for our car died when we were en route to the airport, so we had 5 of us crammed into a friends Jeep Wrangler to get to the rental place where we rented a car to get them the rest of the way to the airport. The boys took off as scheduled - whew! The flight back had to be changed because BM refused to drive in a couple inches of snow, but it worked out well in the end since the boys were supposed to come back on different days, so with the rescheduling we got them both back on the same day. There was some concern about whether their flight would be canceled, not because of weather at BM's location, but because of weather at ours. But thankfully the flight took off, slightly delayed. Of course we had to drive in a snowstorm that dropped 9 inches in order to get them at the airport, but whatever! At least they were home. The first thing both of them said when they got off the plane was how BM had taken their Christmas money which her parents had sent them and used it to pay her rent. Lovely!

Court Proceedings - right before the boys were to leave, BM contacted DH saying she wanted to see if they could come to some sort of agreement. She stated that she was fine with DH having sole decision-making, but that she wanted the boys to be able to decide when to come see her on their vacations (she has it in her head that the boys should be with her for EVERY vacation period, for the whole time, essentially giving them zero time to vacation with us or spend non-school time with their friends). DH responded that he would prefer to wait to see how the winter break vacation went first before discussing it with her. After the boys got back, DH proposed that the boys would meet with him, her and their counselor before each break and a decision would be made between them as to where the boys would be for that break. She would get what she wanted, which was the potential for the boys to spend every vacation with her if they wanted, and we would know the boys would be accountable for what they were telling each of us about where they want to spend their time. Win, win - you'd think? Well, she got completely paranoid, and said she wanted a comment put in the order that DH would not pay the boys their airfare money to not see her. WTF? We realized at that point that there would never be any agreement good enough for her, and we certainly weren't going to encourage her paranoia, so DH responded back and simply told her that he was concerned with her paranoia and that he felt it would be better to have a third party involved (the GAL). So we have continued on with the GAL.

GAL - Our request for a new GAL was awarded, and the pretrial hearing was moved to the end of March to allow the new GAL time to get everything done. It took us over a month to get our $500 back from the uncertified GAL! So thankful the futures of our children are no longer in that woman's hands! We didn't tell the boys about the GAL until the day he came, SS1 was surprised, but SS2 didn't bat an eye, because BM had already been "working" him about it. Big surprise. The GAL had already spent a couple hours with us, and spent about an hour with each of the boys. After the March hearing, I'll be able to update you on the complete irony about the GAL and what his report will include - I can't wait!

Money - Since SS1's birthday in October, BM has been promising to send the boys money. In fact, she promised SS1 $500.00. Yeah, whatever! So ever since October we have had to listed to SS1's dreams of how he is spending the money. Ugghhh! So after Winter Break, and the boys realizing she needed their Christmas money to pay her rent, it seemed they had gotten over the illusion that she was sending any money. So about mid-January, BM started in on the sending money again. She told each of the boys she was sending them $200. So everyday they would ask, "Did the box come yet? Did the box come yet?" Week after week went by and no box. Again, big surprise. Excuse after excuse, and finally SS1 got fed up. He told her he was planning a snowmobile trip with some friends and that he needed the money by Monday (it was Friday night when he told her this). So she finally sends the money Western Union. The hysterical part is that there was no snowmobile trip! It was SS1's way to finally call her bluff and force her to follow through : ) Not that I'm proud of him for lying to her, but I'm glad all the years that they have learned manipulation from her, they are finally using it on her! Even funnier is the fact that they were calling BM about twice a week to find out the status of their "money box", but now that she has sent the money, they are totally blowing her off. She really only has the most superficial relationship with her kids.

So that is about all I can update on right now, but I'll post more early April to let you know what happened at the pretrial hearing.

Winter Break Update 2

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 02:21:00 +0000

On the 10th, BM leaves a message for DH saying that she has a solution for what is going on. We're not sure if she is talking about the copy of the ID we need or the whole court thing because she of course made the message as vague as possible to force us to feign interest by contacting her. So DH emailed her back a few hours later asking what was on her mind. NO RESPONSE. He even tried to Skype Chat her, but nothing. WTF? Why would you go to the trouble of making a call that you have no intention of following through on? She did have time to leave a message for the boys, though. Go figure. Sooo, 7 days left for her to get the info to us or SS2 doesn't go. I can't believe she is going to make this drama right before the holiday! After this visit, only 8 more visits to arrange and we are DONE!

DH and I had a good laugh last night. We were commenting about how she hasn't responded. We thought, 'She must have realized she was acting rational and called for psychiatric help!' Wouldn't that be ironic? She acts off the wall all the time, and a moment of some clarity scares the crap out of her and she commits herself because something is not quite right. We were rolling on the floor! Not that we in any way think mental illness is funny, just the irony of how some Borderline/Narcissistic types think there is nothing wrong with them and they don't get help, and that thinking clearly would be as strange for them as a psychotic episode would be for us.

Winter Break Update 1

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 20:26:00 +0000

Still no copy of her ID (to let Midwest know since SS2 is flying as an unaccompanied minor). She has until the 20th, but since it has been almost a month since we told her about it, we figured we'd send a reminder today.

Prediction of how this is going to play out:

We hear nothing from her until SS2's flight is canceled, then she will say she sent it/faxed it, but of course will have no proof of such.

Thinking we will probably have our lawyer call her around the 16th or so, to see if he can get anywhere with it.

If you only got to see your kids 2 times a year, would you not make a huge effort to make sure things go smoothly? I just don't get it!

GAL Update 3

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 21:18:00 +0000

Yesterday the GAL Board faxed a letter to our lawyer stating the the GAL assigned to us is NOT certified.

Today in the mail we got the Motion to Dismiss the GAL (included was the letter from the GAL Board). So now we wait to see what the judge orders.

Interestingly, our lawyer spoke to our GAL 11/24 regarding our concerns. Then on 11/25 she proceeds to send us the questionnaire. I'm sure she will try to deduct some money from what she has to refund us for all that "work" she did already. I also find it strange that her letter accompanying the questionnaire is addressed 11/25, yet the postmark is 12/3 and we just got it today.

GAL Update 2 - WTF????

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 21:04:00 +0000

Unbelievable!

Before DH's case was assigned a GAL, I downloaded the list of state certified GAL's. Our GAL was not on the list. So, I figured she was just a new GAL and the state had not updated it's PDF file in a while. Called the GAL board of the state, and what do you know, not only is our GAL NOT certified, she has also had a complaint filed against her from another county. Of course the board cannot do anything about the complaint, because she is not certified and not under their jurisdiction.

My first thought is to the $500 we just sent this woman. Called bank, check had not cleared yet, but did not stop payment, because I wanted to get my facts straight first and not piss off our potential GAL.

So, I call the county that filed the complaint and talked to the clerk. She confirmed that a complaint was filed, but could not discuss because the case was confidential.

So, I call our clerk to find out if the county was in fact required to use certified only GAL's and if there was some type of "grandfathering" rule that had been applied to her. Of course our clerk was in court. By the time I got a hold of her around 3, the check had been cashed : ( The clerk stated that this GAL, as well as several others, are under review, to be held on Dec 15th, as the clerks office had as well become aware that there were certification issues, however the Marital Master had said to go ahead and use her anyway. I gave her the info for the other county clerk for her to call and see if she could get more info than I could. She suggested that since we knew all this information, we should go ahead and file a motion for a new GAL.

So, on the phone with our attorney. He is going to confirm all these facts on Wednesday, when the GAL board opens back up, and then file a motion to assign a new GAL. He is also going to ask that our current GAL be responsible for forwarding the funds to the new GAL. He called the GAL to discuss this with her and she just left us a phone message stating that there must be some confusion because of using her former married name, that she has been certified since 1995, and that she is unaware of any complaints.

She is another BM! Take any shred of factual information and twist it until you can no longer recognize it. First of all, the board has only been around since 2007, so how she could be certified with the board since 1995 is beyond me. Neither of her "names", married or otherwise, are on the list. And she is totally denying the complaint exists.

We are not calling her back until we hear from our attorney on Wednesday to see what he makes of the whole situation.

Of course, we have put ourselves in a precarious position, GOD forbid, the MM says we have to use her and we've started off on a very bad foot. But, I can't imagine with everything we know about her the MM is going to keep her on our case and risk us pursuing this further. This woman needs to be off our case - and I can't believe that we are the ones putting two and two together for everyone. Ughhhhhhh!

GAL Update 1

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:16:00 +0000

We made contact with the GAL. After she receives our check, she is sending us the paperwork we need to fill out for her to begin the investigation. I'll let you know what that's like...

Hell has frozen over...

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 07:50:00 +0000

...which is to be expected since it is 14 degrees outside right now!

We have not heard a peep from BM. I'm thinking it is because of the GAL. She's got to be on her best behavior to show that all the documentation we have could not possibly be about her. BM has never been able to not respond negatively to one of our letters. Do you think the judge would allow us to have a GAL assigned to us for the next 4 years? The GAL wouldn't even have to do anything, just be assigned to us, like a watch dog. Just close enough for BM to know she's watching! I would pay $500 a year for that service!

What do you know, still haven't received that letter she said she was sending agreeing to the boys flights! Thank goodness we got that temporary order - Saturday it will be 30 days before their flight. Who the heck makes holiday airline reservations that close?

Part of me is thinking that she is going to back out at the last minute, her "health" will be so bad she can't have the boys come out for Christmas. She'll get to run the boys through the "poor me" ringer, won't have to worry about anything bad happening during her visit that the GAL might hear about before the hearing, and she'll get to screw with us with the airline tickets (although I tell you what, if she does cancel, new reservations will NOT be made until she pays us the fees!).

Below are the last two letters we sent, which BM received this week:

Health Letter:

I received your phone message of November 3, 2008.

I understand your health issues are of great concern to you at this time. I am willing to help ease any stressful situations you may have to deal with in regards to the boys. Your need to manage stress due to your illness will no doubt make communicating regarding the boys’ welfare difficult for you. Any issues regarding the boys’ still need to be addressed, however. My proposed parenting plan speaks to this issue, by granting me sole-decision making responsibility. This will allow you to focus on your health and enjoy the boys’ time with you, without the additional stress of taking part in making major decisions regarding their care. If we are in agreement that this would be the best option due to your ongoing health concerns, we can both sign an agreement and I can file the agreement with the court, leaving the rest of the issues in the proposed parenting plan to be discussed at the next hearing. Please let me know if you would be agreeable to reducing your stress and managing your health this way.

SS1’s eye exam revealed that he has astigmatism, and needs a very mild prescription for reading and driving.

SS2’s consult with the orthodontist resulted in a discussion of 3 options. The first option is to do nothing regarding his overbite, as it does not affect his eating, nor does it cause him any discomfort, except for where his lower teeth touch his palate, for which he could get a retainer to prevent contact. The second option is the corrective jaw surgery. The third option is to use only orthodontics to correct the problem. Regardless, the second and third options would not be something that would happen until his jaw is close to reaching maturity and the orthodontist has a better idea of what will be happening with his front teeth, which would be in his very late teens, early adulthood. No decision will need to be made until he is around 17 years of age. SS2 will be receiving a referral to the surgeon so that the surgeon can evaluate his case and see if he is even a good candidate for the procedure.

In regards to the temporary order regarding transportation, the proposal was read to you in court, you agreed and the judge ordered it. While he may not have filed it yet, the order stands as of the date of the hearing. You are not required to respond in any way to my notification, however your lack of response in 5 days gives me the responsibility to select dates of travel. If you are now represented by legal counsel, please forward to me the contact information so my attorney can make contact.

Flight Letter:

As I have not received a written confirmation from you regarding the boys’ winter vacation flight within 5 days of your notification (November 3, 2008), per the court order of October 29, 2008, I have made the boys’ reservations.

SS2 will be flying as an unaccompanied minor (required by Midwest for children under 15 years of age). Only the person purchasing the flight can add pick-up/drop-off parent information to the reservation, so I will need you to send/fax me a copy of your current photo id that you will be using to drop SS2 off at the airport before December 20, 2008. SS2 will not be able to fly without this information included with his reservation. SS2 will have with him upon his arrival a money order/check written out to Midwest Airlines, which you will need to pay the $50 fee for SS2’s unaccompanied minor service (Midwest policy does not allow me to purchase this ahead of time).

The flight may also only be changed by the person purchasing the tickets, so if you do need me to change the flights for you for any reason, you will need to make sure that I have receipt of the funds required for the change at least 7 business days in advance of the new flight to allow the funds to clear my bank account. Another option would be for you to purchase a new ticket directly from Midwest yourself.

Please contact Midwest (414-570-7000) for information regarding security procedures, check-in/boarding passes, baggage requirements and fees for changing tickets.

The first paragraph of the health letter is designed based on a strategy in the book, "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" by Kreisman & Straus. The strategy is called SET and is discussed in Chapter 6 on Communicating with the Borderline. SET stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. Basically you try to smooth their feathers before you whack 'em with reality. At this point, we're willing to try anything!

I still can't believe she hasn't left a nasty message - I love the sound of silence : ) If it weren't winter, I could hear the crickets chirping!

Like talking to a brick wall...

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 21:54:00 +0000

So we sent the proposed flight schedule for BM to agree to. She received it on 11/3. She leaves DH a voicemail message about how she is tired of getting harassed by him, that she called the clerk and there is nothing filed from the hearing and he needs to stop sending her things, that she got "legal advice" and she doesn't have to put up with it, and that she is sending the confirmation back because she did agree to it (even though she doesn't think she has to since the paperwork is not yet "in the file").

11/7 - another voice mail stating that she is sending back the confirmation.

11/8 - her 5 days are up, no confirmation!

11/12 - still no confirmation, we book the flight. Since she has dragged this whole thing on for so long, the original flight on the 23rd is no longer available. So we can either have the boys fly at 6 am or the night before, either way they will miss school on the 23rd. So we opt for the evening of the 22nd. The return flight for SS2 was cheaper on 1/2 than it was for the original date of 1/4, and since she is getting an extra day on the 22nd, we opted for SS2 coming back 1/2. She's gonna bitch, but she had her opportunity to respond and she chose not to. So, in less than 15 days from the hearing, we already get to test out our order ; )

We'll be sending her the flight info tomorrow, I can just imagine the voice mails we'll get. The beauty of Midwest Airlines, though, is only the person purchasing the ticket can make changes. So she'll either have to send us the $ upfront, or purchase her own ticket if she wants to mess around with any dates. Thankfully, Midwest does not just automatically charge the purchasing credit card when changes are made, which was my fear. They do, however, have a stupid policy about not being able to pay the unaccompanied minor fee at the time of purchase. So, since SS2 will be flying as an unaccompanied minor on the way home, we have to send a check/money order written out to Midwest for BM to give to them before he boards.

Another interesting point about the unaccompanied minor issue is that only the purchaser can update the airline with the info for who is picking up/dropping off the child. The info must match the photo id of the person picking up/dropping off. Soooo, we have to get a copy of her DL to see what address she has listed. What do you want to bet it is still FormerHomeState? What do you bet she doesn't send us the info? SS2 will not be able to fly if she doesn't, so if we don't get it by the 22nd, he'll have to stay home. Do you think she'll push this envelope? - yup!

PS - the judge filed the order on 11/4, so even if we go by that date, she still did not make her 5 day deadline.

In his order, the MM states: The court assumes her objection to the Petition of Modification, but she will be required to file a written Answer to the allegations in that Petition.

Do you think she will file it? Nope.

MM also states: She is requested to file her updated Financial Affidavit, Proposed Parenting Plan, and Pretrial Statement in advance of the pretrial conference. She is reminded that when she files something with the court she is required by Rule to mail a copy to counsel for Mr. DH, and required to certify on the filing that she has done so.

Do you think she will do any of this? Nope.

And I hope it royally pisses the MM off.

Pretrial is set for 1/22, by which the GAL needs to have a preliminary report.

We also got the name of the GAL assigned to our case. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Oh, what a happy day!

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 21:48:00 +0000

TA DAH!

I'm back. We had a hearing today, hence the lack of blogging for about a month. Didn't want anything out there in the internet world, just in case.

The initial petition was filed to Register a Foreign Order. DH filed back in August, when we had concerns because she was threatening not to return SS2 from his summer visit. BM played the "the certified letter notices fell under my stairs" routine, so he had to have her personally served. Hearing was set for today. After SS2 came back, and we had to go through the drama regarding his medical care, DH decided enough was enough, and he filed a Petition to Determine Jurisdiction and Motion to Modify Court Order, along with a revised proposal for a parenting plan. He may not get everything he asked for, but he figured if he is going back to court, he might as well try.

So today we had no idea what the marital master (MM) was going to address. The clerk had told us that he would only hear issues regarding registering the order. We also did not know if BM would be appearing as she never returned the Notice of Appearance that she was served.

We show up to court today, and sure enough, she is appearing on the phone. The MM enters, swears everyone in, and off we go.

1) The first thing he addressed was jurisdiction (so glad DH filed that : ).

MM asks BM if she was in agreement that the boys had lived in OurNewState since May of 2007. She started venting about how HerNewState should have jurisdiction, and that she was in the process of trying to get that. So the MM asked her again, Ms. BM, do you agree... Finally she said yes. He asked her if there were any pending hearings in any state. She goes on again about how she was planning to get HerNewState to take jurisdiction. Again, he asks her if anything is pending, she says no.

MM asks her if she in fact moved to HerNewState at the beginning of 2008. Again she vents about how HerNewState should have jurisdiction. So the MM asked her again, Ms. BM, do you agree that you moved at the beginning of 2008... Finally she said yes...and then vents some more. MM explained to her that only OurNewState or FormerHomeState could possibly have jurisdiction. There are no circumstances where her state could claim jurisdiction. MM determines that OurNewState has jurisdiction. STRIKE ONE!

2) MM registered the order.

3) MM assigned a GAL. Total surprise at first, since we did not request it, but thinking about what we had asked for in the Motion to Modify Court Order (including her not slapping SS1 in the face as discipline and calling the police before giving DH a chance to get him home), it appears that MM read between the lines and understands how involved this situation is. Then BM acts all happy, and states that "all I wanted was a GAL", as if it was her idea. STRIKE TWO!

(She has no idea how horrendous this will be for her. Not only are we looking forward to her rambling on with accusations that don't make any sense to any rational person, we are so looking forward to speaking to the GAL ourselves and showing our documentation, as well as having the GAL speak to the boys. While we are aware that some GAL's just don't get it in custody cases where primary custody is being determined, chances are very slim that the GAL is not going to be able to see what is going on, since DH has had custody for over 8 years now and she is still acting the same way she always has, and we are sure that just as the MM has concerns about the case, the GAL will as well. Of course we will be stuck with the bill, since she is never responsible for anything, but the joy of us reading the report will be worth every penny.)

3) After ordering the GAL, MM asked if there were any other motions he should be addressing. We had a feeling that MM would not be addressing our Motion to Modify a Court order at this hearing, so our attorney presented a Temporary Order as follows:

Transportation arrangements for the children between the parents shall be as follows: DH will notify BM in writing the dates of the children's winter and summer vacations at least 45 days prior to the first day of each vacation. BM shall respond in writing within five days indicating the days she would like the children to travel to and from her residence, and DH shall make airline reservations for the children which conform to BM's request as nearly as possible. If no response is received within five days, DH shall select the dates the children will travel and purchase appropriate airplane tickets. If BM seeks to change travel times/dates selected through either method, she shall be responsible for all costs associated with said changes. If changes to the travel schedule are required due to inclement weather, both parties shall seek to cause the children to travel earlier than later, in order to reduce the chance of the children being required to wait at an airport for extended periods of time.

In order for SS1 to be able to drive while visiting BM, BM must insure SS2 on her own policy.

MM asks BM if she has any objections to the order and she says no! STRIKE THREE! What the heck??? That is all we asked for this summer, but it was too much for her to agree to. Are you kidding me? She's trying to look like the "cooperative" one, but voicemails don't lie! The driving thing we threw in because there is no way we are paying to have her car fixed with her lack of supervision. Plus our concern is that she could get in a wreck while SS1 was there and say he was driving. Who would the insurance company believe? Her or a 16 year old new driver?

4) MM asks if there are any other motions to be considered. BM pipes up and goes on a 6-7 minute tirade about me!!! How I send her harassing letters, how DH has to ask me if any changes are made, rattles off several of her medical issues, how she offered to pay to change the flight and how his petition makes her look like she was not financially able to return the boys, how she hasn't wanted to, but she has had to show the kids court documentation to "defend herself", brings up the issue about HerNewState should be able to have jurisdiction because of her health issues, blah, blah, blah. Even though he didn't physically do it, I could see the MM mentally rolling his eyes. As she never took a breath during the whole 6-7 minute rant, he was unable to get a word in, even after several attempts. He finally flat out interrupted her and said, "These are all things you can discuss with the GAL." He was probably thanking his lucky stars he had just assigned a GAL. Our attorney stated to the MM that of course we had rebuttal statements for the allegations she was making, but that this was obviously not the time to bring them before the MM. I swear the MM smirked the smallest of smirks and stated that DH's right to rebuttal would be ensured. MM then closed the hearing and walked out. Oh, happy day!

What makes us overjoyed is that we are sure BM is sitting there already thining of all the things she is going to tell the GAL. She is going to be so worked up by the time she talks to the GAL she is going to come off as completely off her rocker. She can't help herself.

She is going to drag up things from 10 years ago, from even before their separation, that has nothing to do with the boys' welfare now. She can't help herself.

Just as she leaves messages contradicting herself all the time, she will be unable to have a conversation with the GAL without doing that. She can't help herself.

Just as she (usually) starts off a conversation calm, she works herself up to the point that she is screaming/crying/cursing by the end. She can't help herself.

Hope this GAL is ready - it is going to be quite a ride. Finally, someone to share the chaos with ; )

Pretrial Conference will be scheduled within 90 days, so shortly after Winter Break. Do you think she can be on her best behavior for the whole 12 days of their visit (I bet not!). By the conference the GAL's report should be done, and we'll see where we stand. It should all be sorted out by summer, and DH is seriously considering asking for the boys to only go out there for half of the summer, since both of them have complained about the whole summer thing in counseling. We'll see.

We're hoping things will continue to be quiet, as we haven't heard a peep from her since she was served, but old habits die hard, and I'm sure she'll have to vent to DH about something!

It will also be interesting to see how she handles this with the boys. We didn't say anything to them about going back to court, but after she was served, she felt the need to call the boys and tell them that DH was trying to kill her (you know, stress and all those medical conditions). The boys came out of their room pissed and let us know what she said. SS1 also said she wouldn't be able to send him the birthday money she promised him because she needed to get a lawyer (funny, she appeared pro se today), and didn't even send him a birthday card. SS2 told us that BM had interrogated him almost daily for the rest of the summer about whether he had told DH about the emergency room visit, and he was getting tired of having to lie and tell her no, because he just wanted the rest of the visit to go smooth. I am sure that she will not be able to go for any length of time without telling the boys about the GAL, and what things they should "remember" to tell the GAL. I'm sure that won't make the GAL happy and I know it won't make the boys happy to have to listen to her regurgitate every hateful thing she has ever said to them about DH.

Whew - that was a lot. I'll keep you posted on any new developments : )

The test of her newfound "rational thinking"...

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 07:23:00 +0000

Letter being sent tomorrow:

I received your numerous and lengthy voice mails from September 9, 2008, however, none of them offered any solutions to the issues I asked you to respond to in my letter of August 22, 2008:

Please explain your plans to communicate in a more timely manner regarding the boys medical care, as well as your plans to ensure that in the future neither of the boys are stranded away from your home in BMHomeState without any means to return at the scheduled time and place.

This leads me to believe that you are unwilling to offer any solutions to the problems experienced this summer with your parenting time with SS2.

Enclosed you will find a letter which needs to be signed and returned to me by September 27th, confirming that you are in agreement with my proposed solutions to the problems. Upon receipt of your agreement, flight reservations will be made. Without your written agreement by the 27th, I will have to entertain other options to ensure the boys’ well-being during your parenting time.

Winter 2008 Flight Arrangements:
The first day of Winter Vacation is December 24, 2008. The last day of Winter Vacation is January 4th.

I would like SS2 to arrive _______________________ (date) and depart _________________ (date).
I would like SS1 to arrive _______________________ (date) and depart _________________ (date).

All Future Parenting Time, starting with Winter 2008:
Travel Arrangements:
I, BM, am aware that once I have agreed to flight dates, no changes will be made to original flight reservations. Any changes in dates/times/locations must be agreed upon in writing, and I am responsible for providing my own flight reservations and purchasing tickets. The boys will not travel outside BMHomeState, unless I have the financial ability to purchase tickets, or secure some other form of transportation, to ensure their return to OurHomeState on the date scheduled.

It is my responsibility to monitor the weather and determine if circumstances require the boys to leave early to avoid any flight cancellations, as I did during my parenting time in the summer of 2008. Should I notify you of such an event, you will be responsible for changing any flights to arrange for the boys travel back to OurHomeState.

Medical Care:
It is my responsibility to notify you immediately of any visits the boys may have to the Emergency Room or any other health care provider. If the situation is not immediately LIFE THREATENING, I will consult with you before seeking medical care. If the situation is life threatening, I will notify you upon arrival at the hospital, with a description of the incident, hospital name and phone number, and confirmation that insurance information has been provided to the medical provider.

Discipline:
I will notify you if either of the boys need to return to OurHomeState early due to discipline issues instead of physically striking either of them or seeking police intervention. You will be responsible for any changes in flight arrangements should such an event occur.

___________________________________ _______________
Signature Date

Are you surprised?

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 07:23:00 +0000

She missed the deadline to offer any solutions. She left 5 messages on the 9th, each message filling up the alloted voice mail space, so she kept getting cut off and had to call back. I'd give you a verbatim, but frankly, I don't have the time or energy to transcribe over 45 minutes of ramblings. I'll bullet the major points of interest.

Mssg 1 (sick voice which turns into crying voice)
*she misunderstood about his thyroid, and only came to this realization after her father explained it to her (so glad someone in her world is paying attention)

*she has had to go through so much with her health and SS2 takes after her, so he must have health problems, so he should be tested just to find out (what a sick way to try to find common ground with your child)

Mssg 2 (sick voice)
*claims ER Dr lied in his report (yeah, like he had nothing better to do)

*said it was SS2's CHOICE to go the emergency room (who's the adult?)

*said it was SS2 that asked her not to call DH about the ER visit (funny, 'cause SS2 was the one that called us and told us about it in the wee hours of the morning)

Mssg 3 (voice coming back to normal, slight twinge of haughtiness)

*still bringing up the Spring Break issue (see previous posts for that bundle of joy)

*she lists the medications she has been on (this I gotta quote) "Look at the side effects of the medication I'm on. It causes 'roid rage, it causes psychotic episodes." (yup, she actually admitted it)

*she is no longer taking the medications, because they are obviously "causing too many problems" (again, no responsibility for her actions)

Mssg 4 (sick voice coming back, going full throttle into "feel sorry for me" mode)

*all her health issues are what caused her to "snap at SS1", "there are things, and SS2 saw it for himself, that there was unnecessary disrespect" (hell has frozen over, you mean all the things she denied ever happening really did happen?)

(she almost had me here, and then she lost it)

*neither DH or I understand what it is like to have a child grow inside of us, and they are part of her body (strange how we can understand how to relate to them and parent them, though)

*we took them away and ripped her heart out (odd how she doesn't remember fleeing the FormerHomeState with the children, which is what allowed DH to get Temp Custody in the first place, she had no problem ripping his heart out when he didn't know where they were for months!)

*it's just not fair that she has to miss out on them growing up just because of her health (she really doesn't get why she doesn't have custody of them! she really doesn't understand how HER actions led to what happened)

*she admits that we have done a good job with the boys and they are doing very well (finally, the recognition we have been living for, NOT!)

*she wants DH to stop sending her the letters by FedEx because she is off her medicine right now and she can "rationalize everything" (can't tell from these messages)

*she says the boys are part of "both of us" (so you mean DH did have a hand in creating them, they didn't spring virginally from "her body")

*it is going to be a better situation, now that she is not on her meds anymore (that is wishful thinking! she had these issues long before she became disabled and started taking her shopping list of medications)

*she's made mistakes and said things she really didn't mean (hard to tell at this point what things she means and what she doesn't)

*now she wants SS1 to come at least for a week so she can see him (you mean use as an emotional punching bag?)

Mssg 5 (very snotty voice)

*she can't imagine me having the "luxury" to go see a therapist just to deal with everyday life, and that I should have her problems to see what real problems are (hello, your actions are the only problems I need to see a therapist for)

*she wants to have a normal relationship with them, her health has come in the way, it is not her fault (the story of her life)

She really expects a free pass, as if DH is going to call her and tell her that she can do whatever she wants and treat people however she wants and we'll all give her an "excuse" note. She really thinks these messages show how she has a complete understanding of why things are the way they are, yet in fact, her comments only highlight how disjointed her reasoning is. The erratic changes in her voice, the contradictions from one minute to another, the continued fantasy that she is not responsible for anything, and yet deserves having everyone bend to her illogical thinking because she is the "mother". I used to think she was a spiteful person that spent her time thinking of ways to mess with us, and that one day she may get over it and things could be better. These messages have just confirmed for me that she does live in an alternate reality and things are never going to change. No matter what she does or says to hurt people, she will always see herself as the victim.

Response to BM re: Summer Chaos

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 00:32:00 +0000

SS2 has visited his primary care physician, whose information I supplied to you in a letter dated 8/6/2008. Below is a summary of your allegations and the actual facts.

Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 4:07 pm
...I had to take him in because it swelled up his airway...it doesn’t look like it went down to normal...when he was 10 he was supposed to have either a barium swallow or a bronchioscope, but they put a scope down and he couldn’t get down far enough with it, and said he needs to have it done...

SS2’s airway was wide open, all structures were of normal appearance, there was no difficulty during the exam with the scope. This information is from Dr. ER’s report.
Dr. ER did not say that SS2 needed to have any tests done. The following are direct quotes from an email Dr. ER sent to me, dated 8/7/2008, regarding the care he provided SS2. “I did not request any of the testing you mentioned in your letter.” “If I would have wanted any further testing it would have been arranged at the time of visit.”
There is no recommendation from any of the doctors that saw SS2 that there should be any testing done at age 10. In fact, when I spoke with Dr. LongTimeAgo on 8/12/2008, his attending physician at the time of the surgery, she stated she had never heard of such a recommendation.

...I paid for the emergency room visit...

When I contacted the emergency room billing department, you had not given them the insurance information I supplied to you before SS2’s visit, nor was any payment made.

Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 5:58 pm
...when he had his heart surgery, they nicked his thyroid...

SS2 did not have heart surgery, he had a vascular ring surgery. His post-operative report shows that his thyroid was not in fact “nicked”.

Voicemail from BM, July 27, 2008 8:00 pm
...you better get SS2 the right health attention that he needs, because you have not done it and that is your job. You took that responsibility on when you took me to court. So you better get him into that doctor and have those tests done because if you don’t, I will report you. So you better do it.

From your behavior this summer and in the past regarding SS2’s medical care, there is good reason why I am the primary custodial parent. Your scare tactics to make SS2 think there is something wrong with him and that I am not providing adequate medical care cause me great concern for SS2’s well being while in your care. Your unwillingness to notify me of his trip to the emergency room until 12 days after it happened, as well as your attempt to have SS2 seen for these supposedly “recommended” tests with Dr. H at Physicians Pediatrics on 8/17/2008 without any notification to me also causes me concern. In addition, your misrepresentation about what medical professionals have said regarding SS2’s medical care is irresponsible. Your continued threats are not in anyway helpful to the boys and hold no weight as far as what medical care the boys will receive. Dr. Primary Care is NOT recommending any further testing for SS2, and I have requested that he be referred to a nutritionist so that he can understand more fully how his eating choices are impacting his weight.

Finally, your attempts to use “reports” to try to show any negligence on my part only further document your unstable mental state. You stated to Dr. ER, as noted in his report, that SS2 was supposed to have a formal endoscopic exam at age 10 and that it did not happen. You also stated that we are separated and there are custody issues. Please be aware, the reality is that no recommendations were made for any testing of SS2 at age 10 (and it seems strange to me that you would wait until he was 13 before you made any mention of it), we are divorced, not separated, and there are no custody issues, I am the primary custodial parent and you are the non-custodial parent. You are more than within your rights to file a petition to request any changes to this situation, but implying that there already are considerations being made by the court is inaccurate.

Your last minute attempt to further disparage me with Dr. ER, through your requested “Addendum” to the ER report regarding my telling SS2 he was not to go to the emergency room, and your attempt to imply that he was upset and tearful because of this, shows your willingness to cause the boys discomfort to achieve your own gains. SS2, his counselor and I did discuss what possible things he may have to deal with during his visit with you. One of SS2’s concerns was “emergency room visits”, due to your behavior in the past. We discussed some examples of things that would require emergency room attention, and what would not. SS2 clearly understood that your overreaction to his choking on the ice was not an emergency. Before you left your house, the ice had become dislodged and he was able to speak. Yes, he may have had some discomfort for a bit after, trying to catch his breath, as anyone does when liquid or food “goes down the wrong pipe”, but he was in no way at risk for permanent injury. Instead of blaming his anxiety on me, it may have been more appropriate to call me and let me know what was going on, so that I could reassure him. But it clearly was not your intent to have him reassured at all. In fact, you went to great lengths to use a common occurrence to somehow show there was something wrong with both SS2 and me. You have only showed again your poor judgement when the boys are in your care.

In regards to your taking SS2 out of YourNewHomeState to visit your parents, it also concerns me that you would remove SS2 from YourNewHomeState without the appropriate financial means to send him home. While our agreement states that I am responsible for travel expenses to your home, I am not responsible for changing flights to suit your travel plans, which were made after our agreed flight plans.

I am requesting you respond to this letter in writing or by leaving a voicemail message by September 15, 2008. Please explain your plans to communicate in a more timely manner regarding the boys medical care, as well as your plans to ensure that in the future neither of the boys are stranded away from your home in YourNewHomeState without any means to return at the scheduled time and place.

Will any of it make sense to her? Not a chance. Will she respond as DH requested? Not a chance. Although she did call incessantly for about 20 minutes when the FedEx was delivered. No message though.

I'm Back!!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 23:43:00 +0000

Sorry about that...had to recharge the batteries! SS2 has been fine since he is back. He had some questions about the whole emergency room thing, so we talked about what we had found out from his records and the ER doctor, and he went the next day to the pediatrician's for his physical. Pediatrician had already had a chance to review the information we had dropped off, so was totally up to speed about what happened. She is not recommending any of the tests BM insists need to be done, as SS2 has NO SYMPTOMS. SS2 seemed relieved, and went on his merry way. She also was able to refer us to a nutritionist for SS2, because he just won't believe us when we tell him taking a sandwich and 3 packages of crackers is not an appropriate school lunch. Nor is buying himself energy drinks instead of water a good choice when he rides his bike into town to visit his friends. At 13, he spends more and more time away from our immediate supervision, and he needs to get a grasp on the choices he makes when we are not there. Sooo, that is headed in the right direction anyway. Pediatrician didn't say anything about being contacted by BM - big surprise.

Then we jumped right into school clothes and supply shopping. And the first day of school. So the last week has just been one thing after another. Oh, and then Friday, after being told specifically by us not to ride bikes at his friend's baseball practice (SS2 was spending the night at this friend's house), SS2 convinced the friend's mom to bring the friend's bike to the practice, he fell over the handlebars, and hurt his wrist. No sleepover that night! Then SS2 was, of course, crippled and consumed by his injury, and kept talking about what kind of cast he would have, so we knew he was already getting ready to tell BM that he broke his arm. So next am, back to the pediatrician we go, x-ray, and only a sprained wrist. He has had to wear a hand brace for the week, which really put a damper on his last days of summer vacation, and could quite possibly interfere with his participation in our canoe trip planned for this weekend. Lesson learned, hopefully.

DH left a message for BM regarding SS2's wrist and SS2 called BM when he got home from the pediatrician, but although BM has left messages every night on SS2's phone, he has yet to call her back. Not quite sure what he is avoiding.

Oh, and you're going to love this. Remember how BM was too poor to make the change in flight arrangement's for SS2 herself? Well, now she's told SS1 that she is sending him $500 for his truck. Hello????? Even SS1 isn't checking the mail everyday to see when it comes.

He's Back!

noreply@blogger.com (dragonmctt) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 05:05:00 +0000