SS2 has visited his primary care physician, whose information I supplied to you in a letter dated 8/6/2008. Below is a summary of your allegations and the actual facts.
Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 4:07 pm
...I had to take him in because it swelled up his airway...it doesn’t look like it went down to normal...when he was 10 he was supposed to have either a barium swallow or a bronchioscope, but they put a scope down and he couldn’t get down far enough with it, and said he needs to have it done...
SS2’s airway was wide open, all structures were of normal appearance, there was no difficulty during the exam with the scope. This information is from Dr. ER’s report.
Dr. ER did not say that SS2 needed to have any tests done. The following are direct quotes from an email Dr. ER sent to me, dated 8/7/2008, regarding the care he provided SS2. “I did not request any of the testing you mentioned in your letter.” “If I would have wanted any further testing it would have been arranged at the time of visit.”
There is no recommendation from any of the doctors that saw SS2 that there should be any testing done at age 10. In fact, when I spoke with Dr. LongTimeAgo on 8/12/2008, his attending physician at the time of the surgery, she stated she had never heard of such a recommendation.
...I paid for the emergency room visit...
When I contacted the emergency room billing department, you had not given them the insurance information I supplied to you before SS2’s visit, nor was any payment made.
Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 5:58 pm
...when he had his heart surgery, they nicked his thyroid...
SS2 did not have heart surgery, he had a vascular ring surgery. His post-operative report shows that his thyroid was not in fact “nicked”.
Voicemail from BM, July 27, 2008 8:00 pm
...you better get SS2 the right health attention that he needs, because you have not done it and that is your job. You took that responsibility on when you took me to court. So you better get him into that doctor and have those tests done because if you don’t, I will report you. So you better do it.
From your behavior this summer and in the past regarding SS2’s medical care, there is good reason why I am the primary custodial parent. Your scare tactics to make SS2 think there is something wrong with him and that I am not providing adequate medical care cause me great concern for SS2’s well being while in your care. Your unwillingness to notify me of his trip to the emergency room until 12 days after it happened, as well as your attempt to have SS2 seen for these supposedly “recommended” tests with Dr. H at Physicians Pediatrics on 8/17/2008 without any notification to me also causes me concern. In addition, your misrepresentation about what medical professionals have said regarding SS2’s medical care is irresponsible. Your continued threats are not in anyway helpful to the boys and hold no weight as far as what medical care the boys will receive. Dr. Primary Care is NOT recommending any further testing for SS2, and I have requested that he be referred to a nutritionist so that he can understand more fully how his eating choices are impacting his weight.
Finally, your attempts to use “reports” to try to show any negligence on my part only further document your unstable mental state. You stated to Dr. ER, as noted in his report, that SS2 was supposed to have a formal endoscopic exam at age 10 and that it did not happen. You also stated that we are separated and there are custody issues. Please be aware, the reality is that no recommendations were made for any testing of SS2 at age 10 (and it seems strange to me that you would wait until he was 13 before you made any mention of it), we are divorced, not separated, and there are no custody issues, I am the primary custodial parent and you are the non-custodial parent. You are more than within your rights to file a petition to request any changes to this situation, but implying that there already are considerations being made by the court is inaccurate.
Your last minute attempt to further disparage me with Dr. ER, through your requested “Addendum” to the ER report regarding my telling SS2 he was not to go to the emergency room, and your attempt to imply that he was upset and tearful because of this, shows your willingness to cause the boys discomfort to achieve your own gains. SS2, his counselor and I did discuss what possible things he may have to deal with during his visit with you. One of SS2’s concerns was “emergency room visits”, due to your behavior in the past. We discussed some examples of things that would require emergency room attention, and what would not. SS2 clearly understood that your overreaction to his choking on the ice was not an emergency. Before you left your house, the ice had become dislodged and he was able to speak. Yes, he may have had some discomfort for a bit after, trying to catch his breath, as anyone does when liquid or food “goes down the wrong pipe”, but he was in no way at risk for permanent injury. Instead of blaming his anxiety on me, it may have been more appropriate to call me and let me know what was going on, so that I could reassure him. But it clearly was not your intent to have him reassured at all. In fact, you went to great lengths to use a common occurrence to somehow show there was something wrong with both SS2 and me. You have only showed again your poor judgement when the boys are in your care.
In regards to your taking SS2 out of YourNewHomeState to visit your parents, it also concerns me that you would remove SS2 from YourNewHomeState without the appropriate financial means to send him home. While our agreement states that I am responsible for travel expenses to your home, I am not responsible for changing flights to suit your travel plans, which were made after our agreed flight plans.
I am requesting you respond to this letter in writing or by leaving a voicemail message by September 15, 2008. Please explain your plans to communicate in a more timely manner regarding the boys medical care, as well as your plans to ensure that in the future neither of the boys are stranded away from your home in YourNewHomeState without any means to return at the scheduled time and place.
Will any of it make sense to her? Not a chance. Will she respond as DH requested? Not a chance. Although she did call incessantly for about 20 minutes when the FedEx was delivered. No message though.
August 28, 2008
I'm Back!!!!!
Sorry about that...had to recharge the batteries! SS2 has been fine since he is back. He had some questions about the whole emergency room thing, so we talked about what we had found out from his records and the ER doctor, and he went the next day to the pediatrician's for his physical. Pediatrician had already had a chance to review the information we had dropped off, so was totally up to speed about what happened. She is not recommending any of the tests BM insists need to be done, as SS2 has NO SYMPTOMS. SS2 seemed relieved, and went on his merry way. She also was able to refer us to a nutritionist for SS2, because he just won't believe us when we tell him taking a sandwich and 3 packages of crackers is not an appropriate school lunch. Nor is buying himself energy drinks instead of water a good choice when he rides his bike into town to visit his friends. At 13, he spends more and more time away from our immediate supervision, and he needs to get a grasp on the choices he makes when we are not there. Sooo, that is headed in the right direction anyway. Pediatrician didn't say anything about being contacted by BM - big surprise.
Then we jumped right into school clothes and supply shopping. And the first day of school. So the last week has just been one thing after another. Oh, and then Friday, after being told specifically by us not to ride bikes at his friend's baseball practice (SS2 was spending the night at this friend's house), SS2 convinced the friend's mom to bring the friend's bike to the practice, he fell over the handlebars, and hurt his wrist. No sleepover that night! Then SS2 was, of course, crippled and consumed by his injury, and kept talking about what kind of cast he would have, so we knew he was already getting ready to tell BM that he broke his arm. So next am, back to the pediatrician we go, x-ray, and only a sprained wrist. He has had to wear a hand brace for the week, which really put a damper on his last days of summer vacation, and could quite possibly interfere with his participation in our canoe trip planned for this weekend. Lesson learned, hopefully.
DH left a message for BM regarding SS2's wrist and SS2 called BM when he got home from the pediatrician, but although BM has left messages every night on SS2's phone, he has yet to call her back. Not quite sure what he is avoiding.
Oh, and you're going to love this. Remember how BM was too poor to make the change in flight arrangement's for SS2 herself? Well, now she's told SS1 that she is sending him $500 for his truck. Hello????? Even SS1 isn't checking the mail everyday to see when it comes.
Then we jumped right into school clothes and supply shopping. And the first day of school. So the last week has just been one thing after another. Oh, and then Friday, after being told specifically by us not to ride bikes at his friend's baseball practice (SS2 was spending the night at this friend's house), SS2 convinced the friend's mom to bring the friend's bike to the practice, he fell over the handlebars, and hurt his wrist. No sleepover that night! Then SS2 was, of course, crippled and consumed by his injury, and kept talking about what kind of cast he would have, so we knew he was already getting ready to tell BM that he broke his arm. So next am, back to the pediatrician we go, x-ray, and only a sprained wrist. He has had to wear a hand brace for the week, which really put a damper on his last days of summer vacation, and could quite possibly interfere with his participation in our canoe trip planned for this weekend. Lesson learned, hopefully.
DH left a message for BM regarding SS2's wrist and SS2 called BM when he got home from the pediatrician, but although BM has left messages every night on SS2's phone, he has yet to call her back. Not quite sure what he is avoiding.
Oh, and you're going to love this. Remember how BM was too poor to make the change in flight arrangement's for SS2 herself? Well, now she's told SS1 that she is sending him $500 for his truck. Hello????? Even SS1 isn't checking the mail everyday to see when it comes.
August 19, 2008
August 18, 2008
You can never know...
SS2 is coming home tonight!
This morning BM called, sick voice and all, wanting to make sure that we didn't "misunderstand" her message the other day, that they were trying to get a lawyer for her dad, not for her. Gee, wonder what would make us think that? Maybe the nasty message she left us? And her dad's lawyer was going to get her an "excuse" note from the courts to not send SS2 home on time? Reality just changed folks before your very eyes.
Then she says that because of the hurricane coming, and because SS2 wants to see his friends, she wants to get him out early. Apparently that is what it takes to get her to think about her child - a hurricane stronger than herself.
So we emailed her at her parents with the first non-stop flight information for tonight, and said we weren't booking it until she responded via email confirming that he would be on the flight. This is her response:
Yes! that is fine. I will have SS2 at the airport at that time. Thank you for understanding about my dad. You know I would do the same if you went through this with your parents.
It is as if none of the crap she has said the last few weeks even happened. I'm glad we make her leave messages, or DH and I would think we just had nightmares everyday and that none of it really happened. How she can get from demanding that SS2 stay longer, to sending him home early is beyond me.
I'll let you guys know tomorrow if SS2 is actually back tonight! Keep your fingers crossed!
We are so ready for this summer visit to be over!
This morning BM called, sick voice and all, wanting to make sure that we didn't "misunderstand" her message the other day, that they were trying to get a lawyer for her dad, not for her. Gee, wonder what would make us think that? Maybe the nasty message she left us? And her dad's lawyer was going to get her an "excuse" note from the courts to not send SS2 home on time? Reality just changed folks before your very eyes.
Then she says that because of the hurricane coming, and because SS2 wants to see his friends, she wants to get him out early. Apparently that is what it takes to get her to think about her child - a hurricane stronger than herself.
So we emailed her at her parents with the first non-stop flight information for tonight, and said we weren't booking it until she responded via email confirming that he would be on the flight. This is her response:
Yes! that is fine. I will have SS2 at the airport at that time. Thank you for understanding about my dad. You know I would do the same if you went through this with your parents.
It is as if none of the crap she has said the last few weeks even happened. I'm glad we make her leave messages, or DH and I would think we just had nightmares everyday and that none of it really happened. How she can get from demanding that SS2 stay longer, to sending him home early is beyond me.
I'll let you guys know tomorrow if SS2 is actually back tonight! Keep your fingers crossed!
We are so ready for this summer visit to be over!
August 17, 2008
Such is the way of the world...
Thinking about smirking cat's comment on the "And the winner is..." post, I have felt that way a lot this weekend. DH and I are normally the most flexible, understanding people out there. Over the years, we have made many alterations in schedule to accommodate BM. And while more saintly people may say, "just pay for the flight change and be done with it", BM's behavior over this past year has finally caused us to reach a point where we can no longer find it in ourselves to extend that olive branch. There is only so much abuse one can take and still give. Or, more accurately, we feel there is only so much abuse one should have to take.
Ironically, we had several occasions this weekend to see this type of thing in play. We went to a local water park and during our trip we had some + ups and - downs...
+ DH and I helped someone jump start their car.
+ A stranger, obviously in dire need, since we were in a rural area and there wasn't a gas station for miles, bummed cigarettes off of us at the rest area.
+ We used our seasons pass coupons to feed the other 9 people in our group.
- We got 5 chairs around the wave pool for the 12 of us to share as we came and went. 4 of them had people in them and the 5th person had just gotten up to change into her suit in the bathroom right behind us. A stranger woman came over and picked up our 5th chair, and when I said to her someone is using that chair, she said in the snottiest voice ever, "There was nothing on it!" and walked away with our chair. Maybe my friend broke the first rule of water park chairs and forgot to throw a towel on her chair before she left, but if someone told me the chair was being used, I would have said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize" and I would have put the damn chair back down. Needless to say, I was waiting, oh so patiently, for her to get up out of that chair so a "mysterious" wind could have come by and knocked her towel off the chair so I could go reclaim it, but, alas, the water park closed before the nasty stranger woman ever got up (I had fallen asleep and may have missed my opportunity!)
- We purchased one of the souvenir cups that you can refill all day for free. SS1 went to the counter to have the girl refill it. She also had another stranger's cup in her hand, same color as ours. She turns back around from the soda machine, says "oops, I don't remember which was which" and then expects SS1 to take a cup which may or may not have been his. Then when we go over to request a new cup, she at first refuses! Needless to say, we got a new cup.
- We check into the hotel, which one of the members of our group had booked (she is a travel agent) and they wanted to charge us more than what it had been reserved for - like by $40 per room. When she went to speak with the manager in the am about it, he said he would not honor her reservation rate, because that is not what they regularly charge, even though she had the reservation paperwork with her. He said that he was going to charge her the more expensive rate, to which she replied, "that is fine, I will go home and dispute the charges and you won't ever get the money", needless to say we got the discounted rate.
- We stopped at a cheese store on the way home and I went into the store next door to purchase a really cute water-colored card of eggs in a basket to frame, since our chickens just started laying. The card was $3.00 and the "artist" who owned the store refused to sell it to me because I didn't have cash, even though there was a card machine right on the counter. As a business owner I understand having to incur expenses, and frankly, I would have been willing to pay a little more for the card to cover her charge card machine costs for my transaction, but she flat out refused! Needless to say, instead of digging through my car and purse for $3.00 of change or asking one of my friends for cash, I put the card down and walked out.
DH and I have no problem being generous and helping others out. However, there are some damn nasty people in the world, and the more others encourage and tolerate their nastiness, the more nasty people are going to get. There is a fine line between taking the high road and letting yourself get walked over. We have tried the high road with BM for so long and it has only bitten us in the butt. Were she a typically generous, flexible person herself, we would surely be willing to work with her, but our high road has come to a dead end, and we aren't going to tolerate her nastiness anymore.
Ironically, we had several occasions this weekend to see this type of thing in play. We went to a local water park and during our trip we had some + ups and - downs...
+ DH and I helped someone jump start their car.
+ A stranger, obviously in dire need, since we were in a rural area and there wasn't a gas station for miles, bummed cigarettes off of us at the rest area.
+ We used our seasons pass coupons to feed the other 9 people in our group.
- We got 5 chairs around the wave pool for the 12 of us to share as we came and went. 4 of them had people in them and the 5th person had just gotten up to change into her suit in the bathroom right behind us. A stranger woman came over and picked up our 5th chair, and when I said to her someone is using that chair, she said in the snottiest voice ever, "There was nothing on it!" and walked away with our chair. Maybe my friend broke the first rule of water park chairs and forgot to throw a towel on her chair before she left, but if someone told me the chair was being used, I would have said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize" and I would have put the damn chair back down. Needless to say, I was waiting, oh so patiently, for her to get up out of that chair so a "mysterious" wind could have come by and knocked her towel off the chair so I could go reclaim it, but, alas, the water park closed before the nasty stranger woman ever got up (I had fallen asleep and may have missed my opportunity!)
- We purchased one of the souvenir cups that you can refill all day for free. SS1 went to the counter to have the girl refill it. She also had another stranger's cup in her hand, same color as ours. She turns back around from the soda machine, says "oops, I don't remember which was which" and then expects SS1 to take a cup which may or may not have been his. Then when we go over to request a new cup, she at first refuses! Needless to say, we got a new cup.
- We check into the hotel, which one of the members of our group had booked (she is a travel agent) and they wanted to charge us more than what it had been reserved for - like by $40 per room. When she went to speak with the manager in the am about it, he said he would not honor her reservation rate, because that is not what they regularly charge, even though she had the reservation paperwork with her. He said that he was going to charge her the more expensive rate, to which she replied, "that is fine, I will go home and dispute the charges and you won't ever get the money", needless to say we got the discounted rate.
- We stopped at a cheese store on the way home and I went into the store next door to purchase a really cute water-colored card of eggs in a basket to frame, since our chickens just started laying. The card was $3.00 and the "artist" who owned the store refused to sell it to me because I didn't have cash, even though there was a card machine right on the counter. As a business owner I understand having to incur expenses, and frankly, I would have been willing to pay a little more for the card to cover her charge card machine costs for my transaction, but she flat out refused! Needless to say, instead of digging through my car and purse for $3.00 of change or asking one of my friends for cash, I put the card down and walked out.
DH and I have no problem being generous and helping others out. However, there are some damn nasty people in the world, and the more others encourage and tolerate their nastiness, the more nasty people are going to get. There is a fine line between taking the high road and letting yourself get walked over. We have tried the high road with BM for so long and it has only bitten us in the butt. Were she a typically generous, flexible person herself, we would surely be willing to work with her, but our high road has come to a dead end, and we aren't going to tolerate her nastiness anymore.
August 16, 2008
Ramping Up
So BM leaves another message after we talk to SS2 and says she's going to an attorney on Monday to get an "excuse" note from the courts so she doesn't have to send SS2 home on the 20th (now she has to help her dad fill out disability paperwork since he just got laid off and she's an expert on disability paperwork). I hope the free legal aid lawyer has a clue. FormerHomeState isn't the home state anymore and it is now her responsibility to get SS2 home, since she is choosing not to use the reservation already made for him. Her dad must be doing really bad because he took SS2 golfing yesterday and tomorrow they are going to a professional football pre-season game. Wonder what lies she is going to tell the lawyer?
August 15, 2008
SS2 is starting to panic...
He just called DH and in a round-about way, tried to find out what was going on. He asked if we were still planning to do the 4-wheeler trip and stay at a cabin when he gets back. We said of course, and he said, "so nothing's been canceled or anything?" and we're like "no, everything is the same, see you on Wednesday". One way or another that child is coming home on Wednesday! I can't believe she is doing this to him, when he should be thinking about getting ready for school, school shopping, and hanging out with his friends the last week before school's out. Instead he is worried about if he's going to make it home.
And the winner is...
Option 1!
Just got a message from BM stating that her father lost his job, and she has to stay to help him fill out paperwork, so she is staying and DH can have her arrested, but she would do this for DH if something happened to his parents.
Whatever! She isn't even having SS2 visit DH's family while they are down in Former Home State, in fact, she has never taken the kids to visit DH's family, even though we make sure they always see her parents when they are in Former Home State. Plus, it is very clear that it has been her intention for most of the summer to not send SS2 home on his flight.
Here's our reply, emailed and faxed today:
I received your message regarding your choice to not send SS2 home on his scheduled flight. SS2 is due home by 9:20 pm on August 20th. Please let me know what other arrangements you have made to have him home by this time. I am willing to pick him up either at the Blah, Blah or Blah, Blah airports. After you have made the arrangements, please let me know his reservation confirmation #, flight number and arrival time.
We are going to wind up in court over this - I can feel it!
Just got a message from BM stating that her father lost his job, and she has to stay to help him fill out paperwork, so she is staying and DH can have her arrested, but she would do this for DH if something happened to his parents.
Whatever! She isn't even having SS2 visit DH's family while they are down in Former Home State, in fact, she has never taken the kids to visit DH's family, even though we make sure they always see her parents when they are in Former Home State. Plus, it is very clear that it has been her intention for most of the summer to not send SS2 home on his flight.
Here's our reply, emailed and faxed today:
I received your message regarding your choice to not send SS2 home on his scheduled flight. SS2 is due home by 9:20 pm on August 20th. Please let me know what other arrangements you have made to have him home by this time. I am willing to pick him up either at the Blah, Blah or Blah, Blah airports. After you have made the arrangements, please let me know his reservation confirmation #, flight number and arrival time.
We are going to wind up in court over this - I can feel it!
August 14, 2008
Rise
Such is the way of the world
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And How will it grow?
Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold
Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
Suddenly swallowed by signs
Lo and behold
Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my Ace in the Hole
-Eddie Vedder, Into the Wild
Really needing this song today...not sure how I'm going to make it to the 20th. The anxiety of what could happen is overwhelming.
You can never know
Just where to put all your faith
And How will it grow?
Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories
Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold
Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold
Suddenly swallowed by signs
Lo and behold
Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically
Gonna rise up
Throw down my Ace in the Hole
-Eddie Vedder, Into the Wild
Really needing this song today...not sure how I'm going to make it to the 20th. The anxiety of what could happen is overwhelming.
August 10, 2008
Predictions for the 20th:
1) BM will try one last attempt to get DH to change the flight.
2) There will be some type of natural disaster preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight (my guess, flood).
3) There will be some type of construction delay, they will get lost, or there will be a vehicle break-down preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight.
4) She gets "sick" while visiting her parents, hospitalized, of course, preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight.
5) She gets it in her head to file some ex parte motion in FormerHomeState while she is down there.
Which of these will play out? We'll have to wait and see...but it will be a miracle if all we have to do is go to our airport and pick him up!
2) There will be some type of natural disaster preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight (my guess, flood).
3) There will be some type of construction delay, they will get lost, or there will be a vehicle break-down preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight.
4) She gets "sick" while visiting her parents, hospitalized, of course, preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight.
5) She gets it in her head to file some ex parte motion in FormerHomeState while she is down there.
Which of these will play out? We'll have to wait and see...but it will be a miracle if all we have to do is go to our airport and pick him up!
August 8, 2008
I think she has finally left the planet...
So last night, at midnight, the boys' phone starts ringing. It is BM and she says "Hi, SS2, it's mom. Give me a call back." HELLOOOOOO - SS2 is with her! So either she left a message for SS1 and couldn't even remember his name, or SS2 is out somewhere on his own at 11 pm their time and she's trying to get a hold of him on a cell and she dialed the wrong number. WTF?
She called 2 more times immediately after that, once leaving another message to call her back, but did not say a name, and she also called DH's phone, but did not leave a message. Does anything she does make any sense?
She called 2 more times immediately after that, once leaving another message to call her back, but did not say a name, and she also called DH's phone, but did not leave a message. Does anything she does make any sense?
ER Dr.'s Response
I have been out of town and have just returned and read your letter. I wanted to respond to your concerns in writing as per your request. As for your first concern, SS2's mother stated that when he was 5 months old he was seen and treated by a specialist who had recommended certain tests when he was older that she stated were never done. What I told her was that the testing I performed that evening would not replace any formal testing that he was suppose to have and that if these were in fact previously recommended that SS2 should be in contact with his specialist for this testing. I did not request any of the testing you mentioned in your letter. From my standpoint he had some very mild irritation with no long term issues from the incident on 7/12/08. In my opinion he will be perfectly fine to follow with his primary doctor when he returns from his summer visit. If I would have wanted any further testing it would have been arranged at the time of visit. I hope that this clarifies the situation and if you need to contact me please use the reply email.
What a great guy! This is exactly what we needed to give to the pediatrician. From past experience dealing with anyone who has had contact with BM, we really expected him to blow us off. Apparently there are a few people left in the world who actually care about the children and aren't scared off by the drama! I also thought it was very generous of him to give us his email, as it is impossible to contact him by phone. BM is so full of shit, and it actually sickens me that she would want SS2 to have to go through invasive procedures just to try to show she is a "good mommy." Don't parents want to avoid having their child go through unnecessary testing and anxiety? Ugghh!
What a great guy! This is exactly what we needed to give to the pediatrician. From past experience dealing with anyone who has had contact with BM, we really expected him to blow us off. Apparently there are a few people left in the world who actually care about the children and aren't scared off by the drama! I also thought it was very generous of him to give us his email, as it is impossible to contact him by phone. BM is so full of shit, and it actually sickens me that she would want SS2 to have to go through invasive procedures just to try to show she is a "good mommy." Don't parents want to avoid having their child go through unnecessary testing and anxiety? Ugghh!
August 3, 2008
His shorts may still be blue!
Before SS2 left his counselor gave him an example of how he may have to deal with BM. He pointed to SS2's blue shorts and said that BM might try to make him believe that they are red. And he may have to agree with her that the shorts are red to appease her, but that we all wanted him to come home and know his shorts are still blue.
DH left SS2 his usual Sunday message, and SS2 called back. Since BM has been raging for about 2 weeks now, we are sure he has had an earful and have had no idea where his head is at. Well, when DH talked to him, he was very talkative at first, since BM didn't know he was on the phone with DH. Apparently she came looking for him, because he called "I'm in here." After that, DH said he was more subdued, but until then, he had been asking all about how we all were - he even asked about his dog! He told DH about his friends from here that he had talked to recently and wanted to know how the progress on his 4-wheeler was going (DH has ordered parts and torn it all apart to get it ready for when SS2 gets back). SS2 seemed annoyed because apparently they are not going to Six Flags as promised, and he said they haven't really done anything since the last time we talked to him.
This was totally not what we expected. We figured he'd be all quiet and maybe even pissed at us. DH was ready for the accusatory tone he has had before when swayed by BM's drama. Nothing! As much as this drama sucks, SS2 may have finally realized it has nothing to do with his brother, but rather BM self-inflicting it. One can only hope! It definitely seems as though he still knows his shorts are blue, though : )
DH left SS2 his usual Sunday message, and SS2 called back. Since BM has been raging for about 2 weeks now, we are sure he has had an earful and have had no idea where his head is at. Well, when DH talked to him, he was very talkative at first, since BM didn't know he was on the phone with DH. Apparently she came looking for him, because he called "I'm in here." After that, DH said he was more subdued, but until then, he had been asking all about how we all were - he even asked about his dog! He told DH about his friends from here that he had talked to recently and wanted to know how the progress on his 4-wheeler was going (DH has ordered parts and torn it all apart to get it ready for when SS2 gets back). SS2 seemed annoyed because apparently they are not going to Six Flags as promised, and he said they haven't really done anything since the last time we talked to him.
This was totally not what we expected. We figured he'd be all quiet and maybe even pissed at us. DH was ready for the accusatory tone he has had before when swayed by BM's drama. Nothing! As much as this drama sucks, SS2 may have finally realized it has nothing to do with his brother, but rather BM self-inflicting it. One can only hope! It definitely seems as though he still knows his shorts are blue, though : )
August 2, 2008
Incessant Phone Calls
Since the 27th, we have gotten an almost daily barrage of phone calls from BM. I'll just bullet the general idea to save me the agony of having to listen to them word for word again.
* SS2 calls to find out when he is leaving. We did not call him back. (Read: BM made SS2 get on phone and call us since we didn't call her back and she hadn't received our letter yet.)
* BM: she will be going down and we either change his flight or he is not coming back (yes, she actually said it) and she will have DH arrested for not sending SS1 (funny how it took her 5 weeks to be concerned with the fact that he didn't come down), DH is selfish, SS2 is sitting right there, SS2 has read DH's letter, and DH can call SS2 and tell him he can't visit his grandparents (we never said he couldn't, he just needs to be back at the pre-arranged time).
* BM: (In a classic case of BM psychiatric chaos, she has discovered how to use her not getting her way as a bonus for her. The previous phone call, just over one hour before this one, was screaming, high pitched babble. This phone call was calm, almost gleeful, with an air of arrogance. It is like you can almost see her brain forming her alternate reality right before your eyes.) She is going back to what we agreed, SS2 can now see what we are like and what she has had to deal with for years, he is witnessing everything, this is a blessing in disguise, we're hurting him, and maybe this way, we'll have time to squeeze in his medical appointment before school starts, since SS2 had to come to her with all his medical concerns.
*BM: calls to inform us that she got the letter about us taking SS2 to the Dr. for a physical shortly after he gets back and that DH will discuss BM's concerns with the Dr. She states "that was all she wanted."
*BM: calls with a litany of family history of thyroid issues, something about some radiation cocktail, her parents want to pay to have SS2's ticket changed, and if we could find it "in our heart" to change the reservation, we are making a big deal out of it, she would never do this if it a medical emergency happened to DH's parents.
*SS1 flew to Former Home State to see both sets of grandparents. While he was with her parents, they of course forced him to talk to BM on the phone. She started bribing with all the things they would do at Christmastime, and SS1 said he didn't think he would be coming at Christmas. On came her tears, her father took the phone from SS1 and said to BM, "Maybe he'll change his mind by Christmas" and winked at SS1. They go to the movies and get a call that BM had to go to the emergency room because she passed out putting a tape in the VCR. SS1 is so disappointed that his time with his grandparents was interrupted by her drama. (Note: BM's father is working, going to the movies, and not having a medical emergency. Surprise, surprise!)
*BM: calls to state that she knows DH's signature and I forged one of the letters we sent her, and that is against the law. (What is really funny is that he did sign it! I think she thinks it was mailed after DH went to Former Home State this week. What a dumb ass!)
*BM: calls to insist that she have the phone number for SS2's Dr. here so she can talk to the Dr. herself. And we better get her the number in a couple days, or else.
So, as of right now, looks like SS2 is coming back on time. Until her brain takes a sharp turn to the right again, anyway. I'm calling Monday to get in to see the Dr. so we can give her all our documentation and give her a heads up about BM calling before we send BM the number. We are also going to get the ER report and hopefully our letter to the ER doc in SS2's medical file and another letter requesting that DH be informed of any appointments made for SS2, so if she calls for his records, that info will go with. We are also going to try to get SS2's Dr. to call the ER Dr. and find out what we asked for in the letter, since we still have had no response from him. We'll see how it goes!
* SS2 calls to find out when he is leaving. We did not call him back. (Read: BM made SS2 get on phone and call us since we didn't call her back and she hadn't received our letter yet.)
* BM: she will be going down and we either change his flight or he is not coming back (yes, she actually said it) and she will have DH arrested for not sending SS1 (funny how it took her 5 weeks to be concerned with the fact that he didn't come down), DH is selfish, SS2 is sitting right there, SS2 has read DH's letter, and DH can call SS2 and tell him he can't visit his grandparents (we never said he couldn't, he just needs to be back at the pre-arranged time).
* BM: (In a classic case of BM psychiatric chaos, she has discovered how to use her not getting her way as a bonus for her. The previous phone call, just over one hour before this one, was screaming, high pitched babble. This phone call was calm, almost gleeful, with an air of arrogance. It is like you can almost see her brain forming her alternate reality right before your eyes.) She is going back to what we agreed, SS2 can now see what we are like and what she has had to deal with for years, he is witnessing everything, this is a blessing in disguise, we're hurting him, and maybe this way, we'll have time to squeeze in his medical appointment before school starts, since SS2 had to come to her with all his medical concerns.
*BM: calls to inform us that she got the letter about us taking SS2 to the Dr. for a physical shortly after he gets back and that DH will discuss BM's concerns with the Dr. She states "that was all she wanted."
*BM: calls with a litany of family history of thyroid issues, something about some radiation cocktail, her parents want to pay to have SS2's ticket changed, and if we could find it "in our heart" to change the reservation, we are making a big deal out of it, she would never do this if it a medical emergency happened to DH's parents.
*SS1 flew to Former Home State to see both sets of grandparents. While he was with her parents, they of course forced him to talk to BM on the phone. She started bribing with all the things they would do at Christmastime, and SS1 said he didn't think he would be coming at Christmas. On came her tears, her father took the phone from SS1 and said to BM, "Maybe he'll change his mind by Christmas" and winked at SS1. They go to the movies and get a call that BM had to go to the emergency room because she passed out putting a tape in the VCR. SS1 is so disappointed that his time with his grandparents was interrupted by her drama. (Note: BM's father is working, going to the movies, and not having a medical emergency. Surprise, surprise!)
*BM: calls to state that she knows DH's signature and I forged one of the letters we sent her, and that is against the law. (What is really funny is that he did sign it! I think she thinks it was mailed after DH went to Former Home State this week. What a dumb ass!)
*BM: calls to insist that she have the phone number for SS2's Dr. here so she can talk to the Dr. herself. And we better get her the number in a couple days, or else.
So, as of right now, looks like SS2 is coming back on time. Until her brain takes a sharp turn to the right again, anyway. I'm calling Monday to get in to see the Dr. so we can give her all our documentation and give her a heads up about BM calling before we send BM the number. We are also going to get the ER report and hopefully our letter to the ER doc in SS2's medical file and another letter requesting that DH be informed of any appointments made for SS2, so if she calls for his records, that info will go with. We are also going to try to get SS2's Dr. to call the ER Dr. and find out what we asked for in the letter, since we still have had no response from him. We'll see how it goes!
Letter to ER Dr
Since we are unable to reach him by phone, we FedExed a letter to him:
Dr. Emergency Room,
You provided emergency services to SS2 on 7/12/08 for difficulty breathing. I have received a copy your emergency room report.
My first concern is that in your report, there is no indication that you recommended that SS2 receive a barium swallow, a bronchoscopy and a thyroid test. However, SS2’s mother
has informed me that you did and that these procedures/tests MUST be performed. She also indicated in your report that there was some recommendation that this be done when SS2 was 10, however there is no recommendation in his current medical records for this procedure, nor has his primary care physician ever recommended it.
She also stated that his airway had swelled up and that you were unable to maneuver the scope due to this swelling. I also see no indication of that in your report, and specifically the only abnormal finding upon examination seemed to have been “mild redness” and “mild expiratory stridor”.
Just to clarify my position: I have had court ordered physical custody of SS2 and his brother since 2000. His mother and I are not separated, as she indicated in the report, we have been divorced since 2001. There are no current custody issues, SS2’s mother has summer and Christmas visitation. She has a history of court-documented mental illness and this is not the first time she has unsuccessfully used emergency room services for SS2 as a way to effect a change in a current court order.
I tried to contact you by phone the day she notified me of the emergency room visit, 12 days after, on July 24, 2008. I was informed by one of the receptionists that I would be unable to ever speak to you on the phone to discuss SS2’s health with you. A nurse, Dave, was only able to confirm what was stated in the report, and indicated that BM had tried to schedule the procedures to be done on July 17th, however she canceled the appointment. BM stated that she had attempted to have these procedures done, without my knowledge I might add, but was unable to because recommendation was required from SS2’s primary care physician here in CurrentHomeState, as well as copies of his medical records.
I have already notified her that SS2 will be visiting his primary care physician anyway shortly after his return home for his fall sports physical and the issues she has brought up will be discussed. However, as she has threatened to “report” me if these procedures are not performed, I cannot stress to you enough how important it is that I receive either a confirmation or denial in writing of the recommendations she has stated you made, as well as what information any recommendations may have been based on.
I also want to assure you that SS2’s anxiety was not a result of anything I have said to him. He has been in counseling for years to deal with his mother’s erratic behavior. In fact, before he left for the summer, his counselor addressed his concerns about having to agree with statements his mother makes which he knows are not true. The counselor gave him an example of what his goal should be for the summer. If SS2 has blue shorts on and his mother insists they are red, he is to agree with her and say they are red to try to diffuse the effects of her impaired reality, but he is to come home still knowing his shorts are blue. I suspect that this may explain his heightened anxiety.
I can see from the careful wording in your report that you may have had some indication that there was more going on than what was being told to you. Any statements I have made to you in this letter regarding what BM has said to me have been left on my voicemail and I can send/email you a recording if you are concerned about the validity of any of my statements, as well as any court documentation you may need.
I would like to thank you for the attentive care you provided for SS2 during his visit, and am hoping that a written response from you, along with the other information we have about his health, will insure that SS2 receives the most appropriate medical care in the future.
No response yet, we'll see...
Dr. Emergency Room,
You provided emergency services to SS2 on 7/12/08 for difficulty breathing. I have received a copy your emergency room report.
My first concern is that in your report, there is no indication that you recommended that SS2 receive a barium swallow, a bronchoscopy and a thyroid test. However, SS2’s mother
has informed me that you did and that these procedures/tests MUST be performed. She also indicated in your report that there was some recommendation that this be done when SS2 was 10, however there is no recommendation in his current medical records for this procedure, nor has his primary care physician ever recommended it.
She also stated that his airway had swelled up and that you were unable to maneuver the scope due to this swelling. I also see no indication of that in your report, and specifically the only abnormal finding upon examination seemed to have been “mild redness” and “mild expiratory stridor”.
Just to clarify my position: I have had court ordered physical custody of SS2 and his brother since 2000. His mother and I are not separated, as she indicated in the report, we have been divorced since 2001. There are no current custody issues, SS2’s mother has summer and Christmas visitation. She has a history of court-documented mental illness and this is not the first time she has unsuccessfully used emergency room services for SS2 as a way to effect a change in a current court order.
I tried to contact you by phone the day she notified me of the emergency room visit, 12 days after, on July 24, 2008. I was informed by one of the receptionists that I would be unable to ever speak to you on the phone to discuss SS2’s health with you. A nurse, Dave, was only able to confirm what was stated in the report, and indicated that BM had tried to schedule the procedures to be done on July 17th, however she canceled the appointment. BM stated that she had attempted to have these procedures done, without my knowledge I might add, but was unable to because recommendation was required from SS2’s primary care physician here in CurrentHomeState, as well as copies of his medical records.
I have already notified her that SS2 will be visiting his primary care physician anyway shortly after his return home for his fall sports physical and the issues she has brought up will be discussed. However, as she has threatened to “report” me if these procedures are not performed, I cannot stress to you enough how important it is that I receive either a confirmation or denial in writing of the recommendations she has stated you made, as well as what information any recommendations may have been based on.
I also want to assure you that SS2’s anxiety was not a result of anything I have said to him. He has been in counseling for years to deal with his mother’s erratic behavior. In fact, before he left for the summer, his counselor addressed his concerns about having to agree with statements his mother makes which he knows are not true. The counselor gave him an example of what his goal should be for the summer. If SS2 has blue shorts on and his mother insists they are red, he is to agree with her and say they are red to try to diffuse the effects of her impaired reality, but he is to come home still knowing his shorts are blue. I suspect that this may explain his heightened anxiety.
I can see from the careful wording in your report that you may have had some indication that there was more going on than what was being told to you. Any statements I have made to you in this letter regarding what BM has said to me have been left on my voicemail and I can send/email you a recording if you are concerned about the validity of any of my statements, as well as any court documentation you may need.
I would like to thank you for the attentive care you provided for SS2 during his visit, and am hoping that a written response from you, along with the other information we have about his health, will insure that SS2 receives the most appropriate medical care in the future.
No response yet, we'll see...
Dumb and Dumber!
The following is a response to a post on someone else's blog, who is going through similar things with their BM. I am posting here because mister-m brought up this exact topic in a response. Thank you for concurring!
Just shaking my head, back and forth, back and forth. It has got to be some kind of affliction related to Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Not to the point of actually doing anything to the child to make them sick, but filling their heads to make them "think" they are sick. Ironically, as I looked up Munchausen on the internet to see how to spell it, I came across this list:
Illnesses and conditions that are feigned by Munchausen sufferers
* Acid reflux
* Anxiety disorder
* Arthritis
* Asperger syndrome
* Cancer
* Clinical depression
* Dissociative identity disorder (Multiple Personalities)
* Electrolyte disturbance
* Heart disease
* Lupus
* Kidney disease
* Post-traumatic stress disorder
* Sexual abuse
The only ones our BM hasn't said she has is acid reflux, Multiple Personalities, and Aspergers. She has all the others, though.
I can definitely sympathize with you about the "pink spots", we had to take SS2 to the Dr's and have the Dr explain to him that he would not die from eating sunny-side up/over easy eggs. Another time, SS1 was going to sleep over at one of his friend's houses (I'll call him Sam), while Sam was spending the weekend at his dad's house and SS1 was spending the weekend at BM's. Apparently BM informed SS1 that his sister at BM's house had a rash and BM thought it might be "Scarlet Fever" - ooooooh, scary sounding and garnering lots of sympathy? Well, unfortunately for SS1, he told Sam's dad and step-mom about it during the car ride back to their house. Step-mom happened to be pregnant and they flipped out thinking they had some Scarlet Fever carrier in their car. They made him sit outside their house until BM came to pick him up. No sleepover for SS1. And no Scarlet Fever for SS1's sister!
I forgot to add in this post reply, that one time SS2 had poison ivy all over him. We took him to the dr's (not the emergency room!) and he got an allergy shot and we were told to have him take baths in Epsom Salts. He had been doing that for about a week, then it was BM's weekend, and we sent over the salts with instructions. At 12:30 in the morning, we get a call from her saying that she had just got off the phone with Poison Control and that the Epsom "Salts" were causing edema in his legs and she had pulled him out of the bathtub and would not be having him take the bath again. Seriously! DH called Poison Control after getting off the phone with BM, and believe it or not, actually talked to the same operator that BM did. She said she never told BM edema could occur from soaking in Epsom Salts. (Apparently, SS2 must have eaten the "salts" before they dissolved in the water - hee, hee). Needless to say, when SS2 came back 1 1/2 days later, in the tub he went with the Epsom Salts.
Good grief! Dumb and dumber.
Just shaking my head, back and forth, back and forth. It has got to be some kind of affliction related to Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Not to the point of actually doing anything to the child to make them sick, but filling their heads to make them "think" they are sick. Ironically, as I looked up Munchausen on the internet to see how to spell it, I came across this list:
Illnesses and conditions that are feigned by Munchausen sufferers
* Acid reflux
* Anxiety disorder
* Arthritis
* Asperger syndrome
* Cancer
* Clinical depression
* Dissociative identity disorder (Multiple Personalities)
* Electrolyte disturbance
* Heart disease
* Lupus
* Kidney disease
* Post-traumatic stress disorder
* Sexual abuse
The only ones our BM hasn't said she has is acid reflux, Multiple Personalities, and Aspergers. She has all the others, though.
I can definitely sympathize with you about the "pink spots", we had to take SS2 to the Dr's and have the Dr explain to him that he would not die from eating sunny-side up/over easy eggs. Another time, SS1 was going to sleep over at one of his friend's houses (I'll call him Sam), while Sam was spending the weekend at his dad's house and SS1 was spending the weekend at BM's. Apparently BM informed SS1 that his sister at BM's house had a rash and BM thought it might be "Scarlet Fever" - ooooooh, scary sounding and garnering lots of sympathy? Well, unfortunately for SS1, he told Sam's dad and step-mom about it during the car ride back to their house. Step-mom happened to be pregnant and they flipped out thinking they had some Scarlet Fever carrier in their car. They made him sit outside their house until BM came to pick him up. No sleepover for SS1. And no Scarlet Fever for SS1's sister!
I forgot to add in this post reply, that one time SS2 had poison ivy all over him. We took him to the dr's (not the emergency room!) and he got an allergy shot and we were told to have him take baths in Epsom Salts. He had been doing that for about a week, then it was BM's weekend, and we sent over the salts with instructions. At 12:30 in the morning, we get a call from her saying that she had just got off the phone with Poison Control and that the Epsom "Salts" were causing edema in his legs and she had pulled him out of the bathtub and would not be having him take the bath again. Seriously! DH called Poison Control after getting off the phone with BM, and believe it or not, actually talked to the same operator that BM did. She said she never told BM edema could occur from soaking in Epsom Salts. (Apparently, SS2 must have eaten the "salts" before they dissolved in the water - hee, hee). Needless to say, when SS2 came back 1 1/2 days later, in the tub he went with the Epsom Salts.
Good grief! Dumb and dumber.
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