I have been out of town and have just returned and read your letter. I wanted to respond to your concerns in writing as per your request. As for your first concern, SS2's mother stated that when he was 5 months old he was seen and treated by a specialist who had recommended certain tests when he was older that she stated were never done. What I told her was that the testing I performed that evening would not replace any formal testing that he was suppose to have and that if these were in fact previously recommended that SS2 should be in contact with his specialist for this testing. I did not request any of the testing you mentioned in your letter. From my standpoint he had some very mild irritation with no long term issues from the incident on 7/12/08. In my opinion he will be perfectly fine to follow with his primary doctor when he returns from his summer visit. If I would have wanted any further testing it would have been arranged at the time of visit. I hope that this clarifies the situation and if you need to contact me please use the reply email.
What a great guy! This is exactly what we needed to give to the pediatrician. From past experience dealing with anyone who has had contact with BM, we really expected him to blow us off. Apparently there are a few people left in the world who actually care about the children and aren't scared off by the drama! I also thought it was very generous of him to give us his email, as it is impossible to contact him by phone. BM is so full of shit, and it actually sickens me that she would want SS2 to have to go through invasive procedures just to try to show she is a "good mommy." Don't parents want to avoid having their child go through unnecessary testing and anxiety? Ugghh!
August 8, 2008
August 3, 2008
His shorts may still be blue!
Before SS2 left his counselor gave him an example of how he may have to deal with BM. He pointed to SS2's blue shorts and said that BM might try to make him believe that they are red. And he may have to agree with her that the shorts are red to appease her, but that we all wanted him to come home and know his shorts are still blue.
DH left SS2 his usual Sunday message, and SS2 called back. Since BM has been raging for about 2 weeks now, we are sure he has had an earful and have had no idea where his head is at. Well, when DH talked to him, he was very talkative at first, since BM didn't know he was on the phone with DH. Apparently she came looking for him, because he called "I'm in here." After that, DH said he was more subdued, but until then, he had been asking all about how we all were - he even asked about his dog! He told DH about his friends from here that he had talked to recently and wanted to know how the progress on his 4-wheeler was going (DH has ordered parts and torn it all apart to get it ready for when SS2 gets back). SS2 seemed annoyed because apparently they are not going to Six Flags as promised, and he said they haven't really done anything since the last time we talked to him.
This was totally not what we expected. We figured he'd be all quiet and maybe even pissed at us. DH was ready for the accusatory tone he has had before when swayed by BM's drama. Nothing! As much as this drama sucks, SS2 may have finally realized it has nothing to do with his brother, but rather BM self-inflicting it. One can only hope! It definitely seems as though he still knows his shorts are blue, though : )
DH left SS2 his usual Sunday message, and SS2 called back. Since BM has been raging for about 2 weeks now, we are sure he has had an earful and have had no idea where his head is at. Well, when DH talked to him, he was very talkative at first, since BM didn't know he was on the phone with DH. Apparently she came looking for him, because he called "I'm in here." After that, DH said he was more subdued, but until then, he had been asking all about how we all were - he even asked about his dog! He told DH about his friends from here that he had talked to recently and wanted to know how the progress on his 4-wheeler was going (DH has ordered parts and torn it all apart to get it ready for when SS2 gets back). SS2 seemed annoyed because apparently they are not going to Six Flags as promised, and he said they haven't really done anything since the last time we talked to him.
This was totally not what we expected. We figured he'd be all quiet and maybe even pissed at us. DH was ready for the accusatory tone he has had before when swayed by BM's drama. Nothing! As much as this drama sucks, SS2 may have finally realized it has nothing to do with his brother, but rather BM self-inflicting it. One can only hope! It definitely seems as though he still knows his shorts are blue, though : )
August 2, 2008
Incessant Phone Calls
Since the 27th, we have gotten an almost daily barrage of phone calls from BM. I'll just bullet the general idea to save me the agony of having to listen to them word for word again.
* SS2 calls to find out when he is leaving. We did not call him back. (Read: BM made SS2 get on phone and call us since we didn't call her back and she hadn't received our letter yet.)
* BM: she will be going down and we either change his flight or he is not coming back (yes, she actually said it) and she will have DH arrested for not sending SS1 (funny how it took her 5 weeks to be concerned with the fact that he didn't come down), DH is selfish, SS2 is sitting right there, SS2 has read DH's letter, and DH can call SS2 and tell him he can't visit his grandparents (we never said he couldn't, he just needs to be back at the pre-arranged time).
* BM: (In a classic case of BM psychiatric chaos, she has discovered how to use her not getting her way as a bonus for her. The previous phone call, just over one hour before this one, was screaming, high pitched babble. This phone call was calm, almost gleeful, with an air of arrogance. It is like you can almost see her brain forming her alternate reality right before your eyes.) She is going back to what we agreed, SS2 can now see what we are like and what she has had to deal with for years, he is witnessing everything, this is a blessing in disguise, we're hurting him, and maybe this way, we'll have time to squeeze in his medical appointment before school starts, since SS2 had to come to her with all his medical concerns.
*BM: calls to inform us that she got the letter about us taking SS2 to the Dr. for a physical shortly after he gets back and that DH will discuss BM's concerns with the Dr. She states "that was all she wanted."
*BM: calls with a litany of family history of thyroid issues, something about some radiation cocktail, her parents want to pay to have SS2's ticket changed, and if we could find it "in our heart" to change the reservation, we are making a big deal out of it, she would never do this if it a medical emergency happened to DH's parents.
*SS1 flew to Former Home State to see both sets of grandparents. While he was with her parents, they of course forced him to talk to BM on the phone. She started bribing with all the things they would do at Christmastime, and SS1 said he didn't think he would be coming at Christmas. On came her tears, her father took the phone from SS1 and said to BM, "Maybe he'll change his mind by Christmas" and winked at SS1. They go to the movies and get a call that BM had to go to the emergency room because she passed out putting a tape in the VCR. SS1 is so disappointed that his time with his grandparents was interrupted by her drama. (Note: BM's father is working, going to the movies, and not having a medical emergency. Surprise, surprise!)
*BM: calls to state that she knows DH's signature and I forged one of the letters we sent her, and that is against the law. (What is really funny is that he did sign it! I think she thinks it was mailed after DH went to Former Home State this week. What a dumb ass!)
*BM: calls to insist that she have the phone number for SS2's Dr. here so she can talk to the Dr. herself. And we better get her the number in a couple days, or else.
So, as of right now, looks like SS2 is coming back on time. Until her brain takes a sharp turn to the right again, anyway. I'm calling Monday to get in to see the Dr. so we can give her all our documentation and give her a heads up about BM calling before we send BM the number. We are also going to get the ER report and hopefully our letter to the ER doc in SS2's medical file and another letter requesting that DH be informed of any appointments made for SS2, so if she calls for his records, that info will go with. We are also going to try to get SS2's Dr. to call the ER Dr. and find out what we asked for in the letter, since we still have had no response from him. We'll see how it goes!
* SS2 calls to find out when he is leaving. We did not call him back. (Read: BM made SS2 get on phone and call us since we didn't call her back and she hadn't received our letter yet.)
* BM: she will be going down and we either change his flight or he is not coming back (yes, she actually said it) and she will have DH arrested for not sending SS1 (funny how it took her 5 weeks to be concerned with the fact that he didn't come down), DH is selfish, SS2 is sitting right there, SS2 has read DH's letter, and DH can call SS2 and tell him he can't visit his grandparents (we never said he couldn't, he just needs to be back at the pre-arranged time).
* BM: (In a classic case of BM psychiatric chaos, she has discovered how to use her not getting her way as a bonus for her. The previous phone call, just over one hour before this one, was screaming, high pitched babble. This phone call was calm, almost gleeful, with an air of arrogance. It is like you can almost see her brain forming her alternate reality right before your eyes.) She is going back to what we agreed, SS2 can now see what we are like and what she has had to deal with for years, he is witnessing everything, this is a blessing in disguise, we're hurting him, and maybe this way, we'll have time to squeeze in his medical appointment before school starts, since SS2 had to come to her with all his medical concerns.
*BM: calls to inform us that she got the letter about us taking SS2 to the Dr. for a physical shortly after he gets back and that DH will discuss BM's concerns with the Dr. She states "that was all she wanted."
*BM: calls with a litany of family history of thyroid issues, something about some radiation cocktail, her parents want to pay to have SS2's ticket changed, and if we could find it "in our heart" to change the reservation, we are making a big deal out of it, she would never do this if it a medical emergency happened to DH's parents.
*SS1 flew to Former Home State to see both sets of grandparents. While he was with her parents, they of course forced him to talk to BM on the phone. She started bribing with all the things they would do at Christmastime, and SS1 said he didn't think he would be coming at Christmas. On came her tears, her father took the phone from SS1 and said to BM, "Maybe he'll change his mind by Christmas" and winked at SS1. They go to the movies and get a call that BM had to go to the emergency room because she passed out putting a tape in the VCR. SS1 is so disappointed that his time with his grandparents was interrupted by her drama. (Note: BM's father is working, going to the movies, and not having a medical emergency. Surprise, surprise!)
*BM: calls to state that she knows DH's signature and I forged one of the letters we sent her, and that is against the law. (What is really funny is that he did sign it! I think she thinks it was mailed after DH went to Former Home State this week. What a dumb ass!)
*BM: calls to insist that she have the phone number for SS2's Dr. here so she can talk to the Dr. herself. And we better get her the number in a couple days, or else.
So, as of right now, looks like SS2 is coming back on time. Until her brain takes a sharp turn to the right again, anyway. I'm calling Monday to get in to see the Dr. so we can give her all our documentation and give her a heads up about BM calling before we send BM the number. We are also going to get the ER report and hopefully our letter to the ER doc in SS2's medical file and another letter requesting that DH be informed of any appointments made for SS2, so if she calls for his records, that info will go with. We are also going to try to get SS2's Dr. to call the ER Dr. and find out what we asked for in the letter, since we still have had no response from him. We'll see how it goes!
Letter to ER Dr
Since we are unable to reach him by phone, we FedExed a letter to him:
Dr. Emergency Room,
You provided emergency services to SS2 on 7/12/08 for difficulty breathing. I have received a copy your emergency room report.
My first concern is that in your report, there is no indication that you recommended that SS2 receive a barium swallow, a bronchoscopy and a thyroid test. However, SS2’s mother
has informed me that you did and that these procedures/tests MUST be performed. She also indicated in your report that there was some recommendation that this be done when SS2 was 10, however there is no recommendation in his current medical records for this procedure, nor has his primary care physician ever recommended it.
She also stated that his airway had swelled up and that you were unable to maneuver the scope due to this swelling. I also see no indication of that in your report, and specifically the only abnormal finding upon examination seemed to have been “mild redness” and “mild expiratory stridor”.
Just to clarify my position: I have had court ordered physical custody of SS2 and his brother since 2000. His mother and I are not separated, as she indicated in the report, we have been divorced since 2001. There are no current custody issues, SS2’s mother has summer and Christmas visitation. She has a history of court-documented mental illness and this is not the first time she has unsuccessfully used emergency room services for SS2 as a way to effect a change in a current court order.
I tried to contact you by phone the day she notified me of the emergency room visit, 12 days after, on July 24, 2008. I was informed by one of the receptionists that I would be unable to ever speak to you on the phone to discuss SS2’s health with you. A nurse, Dave, was only able to confirm what was stated in the report, and indicated that BM had tried to schedule the procedures to be done on July 17th, however she canceled the appointment. BM stated that she had attempted to have these procedures done, without my knowledge I might add, but was unable to because recommendation was required from SS2’s primary care physician here in CurrentHomeState, as well as copies of his medical records.
I have already notified her that SS2 will be visiting his primary care physician anyway shortly after his return home for his fall sports physical and the issues she has brought up will be discussed. However, as she has threatened to “report” me if these procedures are not performed, I cannot stress to you enough how important it is that I receive either a confirmation or denial in writing of the recommendations she has stated you made, as well as what information any recommendations may have been based on.
I also want to assure you that SS2’s anxiety was not a result of anything I have said to him. He has been in counseling for years to deal with his mother’s erratic behavior. In fact, before he left for the summer, his counselor addressed his concerns about having to agree with statements his mother makes which he knows are not true. The counselor gave him an example of what his goal should be for the summer. If SS2 has blue shorts on and his mother insists they are red, he is to agree with her and say they are red to try to diffuse the effects of her impaired reality, but he is to come home still knowing his shorts are blue. I suspect that this may explain his heightened anxiety.
I can see from the careful wording in your report that you may have had some indication that there was more going on than what was being told to you. Any statements I have made to you in this letter regarding what BM has said to me have been left on my voicemail and I can send/email you a recording if you are concerned about the validity of any of my statements, as well as any court documentation you may need.
I would like to thank you for the attentive care you provided for SS2 during his visit, and am hoping that a written response from you, along with the other information we have about his health, will insure that SS2 receives the most appropriate medical care in the future.
No response yet, we'll see...
Dr. Emergency Room,
You provided emergency services to SS2 on 7/12/08 for difficulty breathing. I have received a copy your emergency room report.
My first concern is that in your report, there is no indication that you recommended that SS2 receive a barium swallow, a bronchoscopy and a thyroid test. However, SS2’s mother
has informed me that you did and that these procedures/tests MUST be performed. She also indicated in your report that there was some recommendation that this be done when SS2 was 10, however there is no recommendation in his current medical records for this procedure, nor has his primary care physician ever recommended it.
She also stated that his airway had swelled up and that you were unable to maneuver the scope due to this swelling. I also see no indication of that in your report, and specifically the only abnormal finding upon examination seemed to have been “mild redness” and “mild expiratory stridor”.
Just to clarify my position: I have had court ordered physical custody of SS2 and his brother since 2000. His mother and I are not separated, as she indicated in the report, we have been divorced since 2001. There are no current custody issues, SS2’s mother has summer and Christmas visitation. She has a history of court-documented mental illness and this is not the first time she has unsuccessfully used emergency room services for SS2 as a way to effect a change in a current court order.
I tried to contact you by phone the day she notified me of the emergency room visit, 12 days after, on July 24, 2008. I was informed by one of the receptionists that I would be unable to ever speak to you on the phone to discuss SS2’s health with you. A nurse, Dave, was only able to confirm what was stated in the report, and indicated that BM had tried to schedule the procedures to be done on July 17th, however she canceled the appointment. BM stated that she had attempted to have these procedures done, without my knowledge I might add, but was unable to because recommendation was required from SS2’s primary care physician here in CurrentHomeState, as well as copies of his medical records.
I have already notified her that SS2 will be visiting his primary care physician anyway shortly after his return home for his fall sports physical and the issues she has brought up will be discussed. However, as she has threatened to “report” me if these procedures are not performed, I cannot stress to you enough how important it is that I receive either a confirmation or denial in writing of the recommendations she has stated you made, as well as what information any recommendations may have been based on.
I also want to assure you that SS2’s anxiety was not a result of anything I have said to him. He has been in counseling for years to deal with his mother’s erratic behavior. In fact, before he left for the summer, his counselor addressed his concerns about having to agree with statements his mother makes which he knows are not true. The counselor gave him an example of what his goal should be for the summer. If SS2 has blue shorts on and his mother insists they are red, he is to agree with her and say they are red to try to diffuse the effects of her impaired reality, but he is to come home still knowing his shorts are blue. I suspect that this may explain his heightened anxiety.
I can see from the careful wording in your report that you may have had some indication that there was more going on than what was being told to you. Any statements I have made to you in this letter regarding what BM has said to me have been left on my voicemail and I can send/email you a recording if you are concerned about the validity of any of my statements, as well as any court documentation you may need.
I would like to thank you for the attentive care you provided for SS2 during his visit, and am hoping that a written response from you, along with the other information we have about his health, will insure that SS2 receives the most appropriate medical care in the future.
No response yet, we'll see...
Dumb and Dumber!
The following is a response to a post on someone else's blog, who is going through similar things with their BM. I am posting here because mister-m brought up this exact topic in a response. Thank you for concurring!
Just shaking my head, back and forth, back and forth. It has got to be some kind of affliction related to Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Not to the point of actually doing anything to the child to make them sick, but filling their heads to make them "think" they are sick. Ironically, as I looked up Munchausen on the internet to see how to spell it, I came across this list:
Illnesses and conditions that are feigned by Munchausen sufferers
* Acid reflux
* Anxiety disorder
* Arthritis
* Asperger syndrome
* Cancer
* Clinical depression
* Dissociative identity disorder (Multiple Personalities)
* Electrolyte disturbance
* Heart disease
* Lupus
* Kidney disease
* Post-traumatic stress disorder
* Sexual abuse
The only ones our BM hasn't said she has is acid reflux, Multiple Personalities, and Aspergers. She has all the others, though.
I can definitely sympathize with you about the "pink spots", we had to take SS2 to the Dr's and have the Dr explain to him that he would not die from eating sunny-side up/over easy eggs. Another time, SS1 was going to sleep over at one of his friend's houses (I'll call him Sam), while Sam was spending the weekend at his dad's house and SS1 was spending the weekend at BM's. Apparently BM informed SS1 that his sister at BM's house had a rash and BM thought it might be "Scarlet Fever" - ooooooh, scary sounding and garnering lots of sympathy? Well, unfortunately for SS1, he told Sam's dad and step-mom about it during the car ride back to their house. Step-mom happened to be pregnant and they flipped out thinking they had some Scarlet Fever carrier in their car. They made him sit outside their house until BM came to pick him up. No sleepover for SS1. And no Scarlet Fever for SS1's sister!
I forgot to add in this post reply, that one time SS2 had poison ivy all over him. We took him to the dr's (not the emergency room!) and he got an allergy shot and we were told to have him take baths in Epsom Salts. He had been doing that for about a week, then it was BM's weekend, and we sent over the salts with instructions. At 12:30 in the morning, we get a call from her saying that she had just got off the phone with Poison Control and that the Epsom "Salts" were causing edema in his legs and she had pulled him out of the bathtub and would not be having him take the bath again. Seriously! DH called Poison Control after getting off the phone with BM, and believe it or not, actually talked to the same operator that BM did. She said she never told BM edema could occur from soaking in Epsom Salts. (Apparently, SS2 must have eaten the "salts" before they dissolved in the water - hee, hee). Needless to say, when SS2 came back 1 1/2 days later, in the tub he went with the Epsom Salts.
Good grief! Dumb and dumber.
Just shaking my head, back and forth, back and forth. It has got to be some kind of affliction related to Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Not to the point of actually doing anything to the child to make them sick, but filling their heads to make them "think" they are sick. Ironically, as I looked up Munchausen on the internet to see how to spell it, I came across this list:
Illnesses and conditions that are feigned by Munchausen sufferers
* Acid reflux
* Anxiety disorder
* Arthritis
* Asperger syndrome
* Cancer
* Clinical depression
* Dissociative identity disorder (Multiple Personalities)
* Electrolyte disturbance
* Heart disease
* Lupus
* Kidney disease
* Post-traumatic stress disorder
* Sexual abuse
The only ones our BM hasn't said she has is acid reflux, Multiple Personalities, and Aspergers. She has all the others, though.
I can definitely sympathize with you about the "pink spots", we had to take SS2 to the Dr's and have the Dr explain to him that he would not die from eating sunny-side up/over easy eggs. Another time, SS1 was going to sleep over at one of his friend's houses (I'll call him Sam), while Sam was spending the weekend at his dad's house and SS1 was spending the weekend at BM's. Apparently BM informed SS1 that his sister at BM's house had a rash and BM thought it might be "Scarlet Fever" - ooooooh, scary sounding and garnering lots of sympathy? Well, unfortunately for SS1, he told Sam's dad and step-mom about it during the car ride back to their house. Step-mom happened to be pregnant and they flipped out thinking they had some Scarlet Fever carrier in their car. They made him sit outside their house until BM came to pick him up. No sleepover for SS1. And no Scarlet Fever for SS1's sister!
I forgot to add in this post reply, that one time SS2 had poison ivy all over him. We took him to the dr's (not the emergency room!) and he got an allergy shot and we were told to have him take baths in Epsom Salts. He had been doing that for about a week, then it was BM's weekend, and we sent over the salts with instructions. At 12:30 in the morning, we get a call from her saying that she had just got off the phone with Poison Control and that the Epsom "Salts" were causing edema in his legs and she had pulled him out of the bathtub and would not be having him take the bath again. Seriously! DH called Poison Control after getting off the phone with BM, and believe it or not, actually talked to the same operator that BM did. She said she never told BM edema could occur from soaking in Epsom Salts. (Apparently, SS2 must have eaten the "salts" before they dissolved in the water - hee, hee). Needless to say, when SS2 came back 1 1/2 days later, in the tub he went with the Epsom Salts.
Good grief! Dumb and dumber.
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