Hammering Out Summer Plans

The following are emails between DH and BM regarding summer and a whole bunch of crap from the past she insists on bringing up. He tried to follow the "low contact" guidelines, and only address things said that we would want to be able to disprove in court, if the emails were ever used.

March 28th, 2008

DH: Since the flight plans that we already agreed to on the phone are not acceptable to you anymore, I am requesting that you email me the final dates that you wish to make for summer.

If I do not have something back from you in writing by April 10, 2008, the reservation for SS2 will stay as we agreed before.

If I receive new dates from you, I will do my best to find tickets on those dates that are in the same price range as the tickets we already agreed upon. If there are none on those particular dates, I will find dates as close to your dates as possible that are still within the price range of the tickets we already have.

March 29, 2008

BM: We never agreed on the dates between you and I. You communicated to me through SS2 after telling me so many times we are to make any arrangments between you and I and never though the boys'. Now lets talk about RESPECT after you sitting there and letting SS1 to talk to me the way he did. I called the family court and told them how you let him disrespect me like you did and they said that this was unexceptable and to report any other problems you have with him. I told them of the report

March 29, 2008

DH: There was no flight information in your email. Please let me know the dates you would like.

March 30, 2008

BM: I will allow SS1 to stay the first week after school lets out, but the earliest he will return will be three days before school starts backup. I never made any arrangements with you personally. You let the boys' give me any information you had to tell me and you made it very clear in the past that all arrangements were to be between the two of us and the boys' were not to be involved. You will not give me the small amount of time in the spring in which I have asked you for, which will leave you a whole week to do with how ever you choose . I will pay for SS2' flight and SS2 wants to come at that time ,so I am going with the court ordered agreement and I am keeping him as long as possible. I know there is a flight you can get him on and if you go against our court ordered agreement you will go against a court order and I don't think you want to do that. The family court division, who I called said that it is unacceptable how SS1 talked to me especially with you standing there not saying a thing about it. That just shows the guidance he is retaining from you or the other people around him, and you have the nerve to talk to me about disrespect. It's a real shame that our boys' have to grow up with out both of there parents most of the time since you spend a lot of your time down in Former Home State. It sure would be nice if one of their real parents could be there more often,but you made sure that the one that really wants to be with them [their real mother] can't be. I hope you are proud of your self. You are at least hurting one of our children and making it really hard for him. I think it is sick that you tell SS2 that you will take him on a four wheeling trip during part of my vacation with him. You are just putting him in a very difficult situation. I at least have a heart and told him to go have fun and don't worry about me . He felt so bad. I hope you are proud of your self. There is only one word for you and that is SELFISH!!!!! Maybe some day you will think about someone besides yourself and make it easier for your son to show his real feelings and so he doesn't have to feel bad about wanting to spend time with his mother.

March 30, 2008

DH: Thank you for replying with the dates you would like SS2 to travel. I would like to make a few comments that I believe will clear up what you are misunderstanding and is making you so upset.

1) When we had our very good 45 minute conversation a few weeks ago, I asked you what dates you wanted for summer. You told me it was up to the boys. I then told them that you had them all summer and that the plans were between you and them, since you left the decision up to them.

2) Last week, when you were talking on the phone with the boys, I got on and we discussed approximate dates based on when the boys were out of school, and you agreed.

3) This past week, in therapy, after the flights were already booked, SS2 stated that he actually wanted to come back 2 weeks ahead of time at the end of the summer. I told him that was not what we had agreed upon with you, and asked why. He stated that he wanted time to be with his friends, and we told him that there would be plenty of time to do that on the weekends before he left and after he came home, that the summer is your time.

4) I have never promised SS2 that we would be going 4-wheeling for the week. He asked us if we could, and I said it would depend on the dates that you picked, since last summer you only took them for 3 weeks. I told him that if you requested all summer, that we would go on a weekend before he left.

5) As far as the time I spend down in Former Home State, I only go 6 days a month (split in two 3 day trips twice a month). This is not a lot of my time. When you subtract time that the boys are in school or sleeping, I am only away from them 30 hours a month, which would be the same as working until 6pm for 15 days, which I had to do more than that when we lived in Former Home State (and I also never have to work weekends). So even with the trips to Former Home State I am available to be with the boys more now than ever.

6) As for the amount of time that you spend with the boys with the new agreement, if you do the math, and add up the amount of weekend times, 1/2 vacations, and 2 weeks in the summer that you had in Former Home State, the amount of time you have now based on the current summer flight info and every Christmas is exactly the same. When looking at how many weekends you canceled due to illness, vehicle issues, etc. you will actually have more time this year than ever before.

7) As we are finding out in therapy, SS2 doesn't express his real feelings to anyone. He commented that he just treats any feelings that are difficult for him as if they are files on a computer and he drags them into the trash and throws them away. He tells people what he thinks they want to hear. (Even at school). I will give you a perfect example. When we were at dinner before SS2 went to see you at Christmas, out of no where, he says "I wish I didn't have to go to my mom's." I told him that it was your time to spend with him and that you were excited to see him and left it at that. In therapy this was discussed, and he stated he was sitting there and felt bad for us and thought he should say it. I told him that it actually made me sad that he would think that (as does the whole situation between you and SS1) and that I don't like hearing that they don't want to go. That there is nothing wrong with saying that they are excited about going, because they should be.

SS2 doesn't feel bad about spending time with you, he feels bad about having to explain to you that he has other interests as well. As we discussed a few weeks ago, SS2 is a teenager now, and part of his growing up right now is separating himself from his parents. Both of his parents. SS2's main interest right now is spending time with his friends. If you take that into account, I actually see SS2 less than you will, because most of his free time is spent with friends. In no way do I hold this normal behavior against SS2, and have told him as much.

What he is having a hard time with is trying to please you all the time and living his life. Asking him to come live with you and crying at the airport and on the phone minutes after he gets home does not make this easy for him. Just as we have stressed to him how important his time is with you, it would be helpful if you did the same. After he came home from Christmas with you, we discussed that it was not up to him where he lives. The paperwork is there for a reason, so that the kids are not able to manipulate the situation. I have always told them that the time you are entitled to is for you to decide how to spend.


8) As for your conversation with SS1, the boys always talk with you in their rooms, unless we are in the car all together and they call you on my cell, and I really have no idea what they discuss with you.


Please take a moment to really consider what I have written, since I took the time to try to understand your concerns and comment on them. I will email SS2's new flight confirmation when the flight has been changed according to your request.

March 30, 2008

BM: First of all if you are going to send me a letter next time you need to write it your self because we both know you have never wrote any of the letters that have been sent to me. You are not going to tell me that I can't show my feelings when my children leave for seven months. I have never let you go that long without seeing our children. I let you take them the whole summer to take them up to see dragonmctts' family after you attacked me and my boss in my apartment complex. You never have to give you only know how to take. SS2! asked me if he could live with me and I said I would do what ever I could to make that happen. I can't help he wants to live with me. I love the fact that he wants to live with me and it is only natural that a young boy would want to live with his mother who gave birth to him. I love all my kids and I just want them to have everything they want and need. I want them to be as happy as possible. You won't do that for your son who wants to come and stay with me for a week in the spring. He asked me yesterday if I wanted him to ask you if he could go in the spring. Ask him your self if you don't believe me. That is why I am the only one that is giving up some of my vacation for them. So if you want to preach about the kids interests you might want to take a step back and look at who the selfish one is. I am the only one that has had to give up in the interest of our kids
I am not going to make things harder for SS2 he has enough to deal with, considering if he goes against you in anyway his life just gets harder. I know the truth and that's all I need, and I can give you an example about SS2 too. SS2 is the one that called me and told me he was going to kill himself if I didn't get him out of your house as soon as possible. That is really disturbing and incredibly upsetting. I am telling you this, I better never here those words come out of ether one of their mouths ever again. I have never put words in the boys' mouths unlike you guys when you sat them down the night before you tried and failed to get them to lie to get me in trouble with child protection. You see you actually have to do something wrong or illegal to get in trouble, because they have to have proof before they can do anything. You! better than anyone should know that. I have never broke the law so you can't do anything to me and for some reason that bothers you or dragonmctt. Well I guess it just comes down to this. I will keep on giving and you will continue taking like it has always been between us.

P.S. I will never sign anything for you ever again, and Perpetual Fiance said after the way SS1 talked to me the other day he will not alow a 15yr old version of you in his house this summer and he will miss out on the professional training in a real gym and the water parks he was willing to do for him. Maybe this will teach him that you are just hurting him by you allowing him to treat me anyway he wants. He told me how you don't care how he acts at my house and that is just plain bad parenting.

March 30, 2008

DH: I'm sure you remember what my spelling is like, and my typing is even worse, so, yes, I don't to the typing. Businessmen always have someone else type what they dictate - it doesn't make the document any less real.

Of course I expect you to show your feelings, a hug and "I love you" would be appropriate. Trying to make them feel sorry for you and feel bad (by having to witness you hysterical) about something they don't have control of is not.

Of course SS2 wants to live with you. If you were the custodial parent, he would want to live with me. That is a normal reaction of children of divorce. Especially when time spent with one parent has no responsibilities on them, and with the other they have bed times, homework, chores and rules. A mature parent would explain to the child that what he is feeling is normal, but is not the way things are, instead of trying to use that to make themselves feel better and create confusion in a child's mind that it is somehow up to them when they turn the "magical" age and can "talk to a judge".

About April vacation, I'm sure he did ask you, because as I stated in my last email, the way SS2 has dealt with everything is by telling people what they want to hear. That doesn't surprise me at all. I will tell you this, though, if I did what you do and rattle of list of things that they will get to do in order to want to stay with me, and told SS2 what we are doing on April vacation, he wouldn't be mentioning it to you at all anymore. But I won't do that, because then he will feel conflicted about trying to make you happy and actually wanting something else.

Yes, when SS2 does not do what is expected of him, his life gets harder. That is called consequences for your choices. Again, that is normal.

Yes, it was difficult for SS2 to come back from a week of no responsibilities and then have to actually participate in a family chore, which SS1 did several times while SS2 was gone. Yes, he wasn't happy about it. Yes, the fact that you were crying on the phone made him upset. Yes, he made a statement in the heat of the moment, with his emotions as raw as you made them.

A mature parent would have told the child that there are things in life that we may not want to do, but we need to do. A mature parent would have respected the rules in the other parent's house, instead of calling and saying I treat him like a slave.

And actually, the most disturbing and incredibly upsetting part of the whole incident, was that if you really thought he was suicidal enough to call Child Services, that you didn't even inform me of that when you called to yell at me about making him do chores, so that I could keep an eye on him. The report clearly shows that it was just another way for you to vent to anyone listening, as the whole first part is about your issues with me, and you don't even mention SS2 threatening to kill himself until the end. I'm sorry, but if I genuinely thought my child was going to kill himself, that would have been the first thing I said. By the way, during the interview with SS2 while he was at school, he rated living with me as a 7 out of 10, which is more than a parent of a teenager could ask for.

Regarding my summer visitation after you left the state, violating our Separation Agreement, I would say "letting" is not the word you're looking for.

I have never called in a report for Child Services to come to your house. Unfortunately, the school counselors' the boys have gotten support from over the years have had concerns and they are required by law to do that. I do think that having a verified report of Domestic Abuse and being threatened with having my third child taken away would be as close to "trouble" as I would want to get.

It really does make me sad that you refuse to let go of the past, continue to use your hatred of me as an excuse to manipulate the boys, and were able to totally destroy all the work we have done with SS1 since last summer in session after session of therapy to try to mend his relationship with you all in a five minute phone call.

Dragonmctt and I don't want to "do anything" to you, we want you to be able to have healthy relationships with your children. I suggest you take copies of these emails to your therapist, one who knows about your "arrested development" and discuss your concerns with him. These are all things that you can work on to have the best relationship with both SS1 and SS2, and salvage what little is left of their childhood.

I am glad you are taking the time to read and respond to these emails - we can talk much better this way - I can hear your views and you can hear mine. This will only help the boys.

March 31, 2008

BM: First of all I most certainly did tell child protection first thing about what SS2 told me. And I called them first thingto clear that up real fast, Because that is a total lie and it is very important that they don't take that so lightly like you are, and I told them that the only reason I called them was that I thought he had a good life with you or I would not have signed the paperwork to have the boys, move up there with you.

Second of all I told SS2 I was calling child protection immediately and he begged me not to tell you what he said and after all with your bouts of rage and your abusive nature in the past which I still have reports of those incidents. I was not about to leave my child to experience what I have had to in the past. Example; you punching holes in the wall where my face was, pushing our boat of the trailer and the huge bruise on my leg which I still have pictures of when you punched my boss in the face and punched me in the leg . I can send you a copy if you would like. He was obvious emotionally traumatized enough already. I also did not start crying until he hysterically proclaimed what he had told me and I don't know any real loving parent that would not react that same way. You unfortunately need to see who is the real one manipulating our children. I have tried on many occasions to have a healthy relationship with you for the kids and for the sake of us to. I was the one that was told that you told the kids that you would take the kids on a week 4 wheeling trip during my week of vacation and it is very understanding why they would want to go. But you need to realize what position YOU our putting the kids in. I never make them feel bad and I tell them if they have something that has come up that they are to do those events and not to feel bad about it and I will not be upset and I have always told them that-and I mean it whole heartedly. I have always wanted the best for the boy's . If I only cared about myself and wanted to monipulate the boy' like you say I do I would have put up a huge fight when you asked if you could move them 2000 miles away, but I didn't because I knew how much they like it up there, but now when I ask for something, will you do the same in return, no. Even when it is what your son wants, that's just mean.

You and dragonmctt can keep playing these games , but you will always know who has given up the most for our children. It has always been like that for me . Lets see dragonmctt get up on two story buildings and paint with a deformed back in 98 degree heat-with nothing to show for it . You say I need to put every thing in the past ,but it is kind of hard when you have to live the emothional and pysical pain of the past every day of your life. You don't have any pain so it is real easy to let go of the past, there again you never have to give and by the way I hug and kiss the boys every time they are here which is more than I have ever heard about you. I just hope that the boys' are happy and that you or anyone else ever has to feel the pain that I do everyday.

March 31, 2008

DH: The report speaks for itself. They are trained to tell the difference between actual calls of abuse and vindictive ex-spouses. That is why your call resulted in no further investigation after SS2 was spoken to.

The time I punched the man you spent the night with was when I thought there was still a chance to save our marriage. That case was dropped. As have been all of your attempts to make-up police reports to keep me out of the boys' lives. The false domestic abuse - dismissed. The false tape recording - never charged and dropped. The false check forging - dismissed immediately as soon as the DA saw actual evidence. Just because you say something in a police report doesn't make it true. The way it works is you are innocent until proven guilty. Not once have I ever been found guilty of the things you have accused me of. Wonder why that is?

Healthy relationship? Your messages on my cell phone regarding spring break show how you must struggle emotionally every day. You did the exact thing you claim you don't do. You wanted to make them feel bad, you did become upset at them about me, and you admitted to planning to manipulate them - "I'll make them believe it."

I think it is interesting that you spoke several times about moving (to Arizona, I believe), yet never did. But after the boys moved away, you moved to BM's CurrentHomeState. Their moving away released you of the guilt you felt about being the first one to move. Please don't act like you did us a favor.

Your comment about me being mean because I won't give SS2 what he wants again shows immature parenting skills. If children always got what they wanted whenever they wanted it, they would be taking on the adult role in the relationship. Parents set rules and boundaries that allow children to remain children while maturing with guidance.

I think it is a problem that you view your relationship with the boys as a game - in which you have to "win". Right now, they are losing.

I have no doubt that your emotional and physical illnesses make it difficult for you. Your not being able to grasp your unhealthy relationship with the boys does pain me. It makes me realize how you really are not able to look beyond yourself and your suffering, to see how the boys are suffering. They both just want to love you, without feeling they have to please you by hating me. Your suffering and their suffering would be so eased if you could just let that go and accept them even if they show/tell you that they love me too.


April 1, 2008

BM: You of all people are going tell how to be a better parent after you told the boys' in the past that you played tapes that you recorded of me with recorded devices on my phone which you pleaded the fifth on in court. which right there they knew you lied. You also told them that I cheated on you. which is also a lie. That is real mature and nurturing. No scars left from that or anything. You have damaged those boys', not me, but you of course make it look like it's my fault when I'm just defending myself from your lies. That is what a deceptive person is good at. I have never wanted them to have a bad relationship with you . I just want them not to believe the lies you have fed them and don't say you haven't because you know you have. OH, YEAH! I WAS ALSO TOLD YOU KEPT THE TAPES UNDER YOUR BED WHEN YOU FIRST STAYED AT YOUR PARENTS HOUSE. I have all the proof and when the kids are old enough they will understand why it was so hard for me all these years and I am not the one that filled the boy's head with a bunch of lies like you have. In this country it is unfortunate that you can buy your way out of any crime that you commit, that is why it has cost you so much in the past. I over heard your Attorney tell you you better keep your nose clean because he had to do so much work on your case and get you out of so much trouble and I also know it cost a lot to get you off on the crimes that you committed. Just because you give an attorney a bunch of money doesn't mean you didn't do the crime. I have the proof and I just pray the boys' don't follow in your foot steps. I have wasted enough time playing your game I'm just going to enjoy my kids. Bye.

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to my side.

April 1, 2008

DH: You really think that one day the kids are going to be old enough to deal with your feelings of hate? I don't think there is ever an age that they could withstand that without completely turning away from you.

They already know why things have been so hard for you all these years. They may not know what it is called, but they know mental illness when they see it and feel the effects of it. Instead of talking to them about it like you do your physical illnesses, you leave it up to them to figure out. You tell them when you are physically sick and need rest or support. They have accepted that and understand it. They would accept it, too, if you explain to them that some days are emotionally better for you than others, and on the harder days, you need their understanding. And just as you are taking steps to recover physically, that you are taking steps to recover emotionally. The boys understand therapy, they get it. They understand that emotions are hard to deal with and everyone has something they are working on.

How can you enjoy your kids, when one of them can't even have a different opinion than you, and the other one does whatever he has to so he doesn't get rejected the same way?

You can change this path, you can have everything that you feel I am keeping from you, but you have to acknowledge the issues to change the pattern.

Do you really think I would take the time to try to respond logically to your comments if I didn't care? I am listening to what you are saying and trying to explain what would help the situation.

At this point, if I really didn't want you to have a good relationship with the boys, I could just sit back and watch you do all the work to destroy the precious bond that you have with them as their mother. Without therapy, SS1 never would have been able to speak with you again after last summer. Not because he wouldn't want to, but because emotionally, he couldn't risk it. I support your relationship with them, which is why they go to therapy to learn how to deal with your behaviors.

How else could you explain that for a few months now you and SS1 have been getting along (which wouldn't be possible if I constantly tell him lies, like you think I do), and then in a matter of minutes of being on the phone with YOU, everything is undone. It wasn't anything I said, it was what you said to him. You had been giving him space from the hate feelings and instead focused on your relationship with him. The first time you slipped back, he said that was enough and you rejected him, again. Unfortunately, you keep showing him what is more important to you - sharing your hate for me with them is more important than being there for them.

I find it discouraging that you think discussing the boys welfare and how they need support is a waste of time. I hope in the coming months you are able to spend some time reflecting on the things I have said, and you are willing to truly show the boys how much you care about their happiness.

April 2, 2008

BM: You are the one that has started this whole thing buy lying about Spring Break and you can fix it and stop this whole thing and if you cared about anyone you would. I am not going to except my son calling me and talking to me like he did and I did not just start yelling at him he started with me. When my son talks to me in disrespectful tone especially when the kids aren't supposed to be in the middle of our conversation, but I guess you can use them when ever you want you. I love my kids and if I wanted them to hate you I would not build you up like I have in the past, But when you continually lie and you manipulate them the way you do to make them think it is me it is very upsetting and I will defend myself. I love when you say my other son just doesn't want to be rejected. Neither one has been rejected and I have never once had problems with SS2 he feels comfortable with me and I never have had to battle with the problems that I have had with SS1's behavior. I just wish you would not have filled SS1's head with so much because he told my mom some of the things that have bothered him about me and they were what you told him not what I filled his head with. So if you doesn't want our children to have problems just stop lying. I had put all that behind me but, when I found out that the kids had not one but two weeks after me asking you when we were working out the visitation, what about Spring Break you yourself not SS1 said they don't have it up there. Like I would sign away Spring Break with my kids but I actually trusted you again and got burned and you know you said it because I caught you in your own lie. When I said you said they don't have Spring Break because of snow days you said I didn't say anything about snow days but you did say they have no Spring Break.and if I wanted the boys; to hate you which is the last thing I really want . I have a lot of ways that would do it, but I don't OH by the way I never said I was moving anywhere for sure and I didn't sign the papers to satisfy my guilt I think that's how you put it. I wanted to give the boy's what they wanted and it was really really hard and you will never know what it is like to sacrifice like that. It just is not fair when we both know you told me there was no break .And I don't want our children involved in our matters. I don't think it is fair to have SS1 call me about our conversations. he will never benefit from what is between you and I and you made me defend myself to him which he had know idea what he was talking about . He doesn't even know what conversation we had. Please don't get him involved he has been through enough. SS1 just needs to know the truth about me, so he doesn't have to be so angry anymore. He feels that I did some bad things to you and feels guilty when he gets to close to me. He feels that he is hurting you. The boys' don't have to say things to make me feel better because they know I will always give my time for them if they have something that comes up, but you won't and I even said I would pay for it. plus it isn't me that they want to see they also want to see their sister and by the way she is their real sister unlike what you said that's just mean to say that I'm the mother of all three of them and they are all very close. I want to end this now I am not fighting with you either way I promised myself and you I would never be here again. I just wish you could step up and right a wrong.

April 2, 2008

DH: I'm going to go over some things with you, hopefully this will clear things up.

- Our agreement was done between the the two of us. It was not court ordered until after we had already agreed. Visitation guidelines are just that, guidelines. I had done the math and felt that what I asked you for was reasonable, as you would have the same amount of time with the boys as you did when they were living in Former Home State. If we went by the "guidelines", you would not have every Christmas with them.

- Not having vacation because of snow days doesn't even make sense, since snow days are added to the end of the year, which is why I put in the paperwork for summer "dates based on school calendar."

- When we signed the paperwork, if you truly didn't know about April vacation, you really thought that it would be reasonable that you would get all of the boys' vacation time?

- We moved to new home state at the beginning of April, which means they have already had an April vacation up here. Why has it taken almost a year for this to be a problem? They were with me for April vacation last year as well.

- I didn't have SS1 call you to talk about it, you asked to have him call you about it. These were your exact words, "So, if you don't want me calling the court house, and causing a whole bunch of trouble, you better have them call me right away, 'cause they are going to know that you lied about this, and I don't care what you say to them, (chuckle) trust me, I'll make them believe it."

- Telling a child that he is not welcome in your home because he doesn't agree with your opinion about me is rejecting.

- Giving the boys what "they want" is not a very difficult or responsible way to have a parent-child relationship.

- SS1's issues with you are based on his own experiences with you, from things that have happened when I wasn't even there.

- Please feel free to send the flight money anyway, as it would be applied to your half of the boys' court ordered medical costs which you have always claimed not to be able to pay.

- From online wikipedia:

Full sibling

A full sibling (full brother or full sister), is a sibling that shares both biological or adoptive parents.

Half sibling

A half sibling (half brother or half sister) is a sibling with one shared biological or adoptive parent.

(are you going to disagree about biology, or are you now trying to say that Child #3 is my child after all?)

You haven't been wronged. You just aren't getting what you want when you want it.

I am not looking at this as fighting. You are expressing your concerns, I am expressing mine, and hopefully, eventually, we can come to some level of understanding. I can't address what is bothering you, unless you let me know.

April 3, 2008

BM: You told the boys' Child #3 was not their REAL sister not whole sister which is really cruel. she is their real sister like it or not and they could not love her any less than if she was their whole sister. When it comes to SS1 he is responsible for his behavior towards me. It is not that we won't let him come because he won't go against you it is the way he acts towards me. I am not upset that he believes your lies it is the way he talks to me and the chance that he will take more time away from the vacation like he did the last time when I had to babysit at my parents house when he snuck out of my parents house while my mom was sleeping for work and he went down to the pool after he was told that if he went out of the house he would be in big trouble. He does get disciplined for his actions with me. I will not put up with his attitude just like the officer told him. SS1 got him so upset that he told him to sit down and shut up and he better not talk to me or him like he was. So if you want to see how he behaves when your not around than you can get a report of that and see that he wasn't just disrespecting me , but a police officer. You might want to have a talk with him, like I have many times that it is important especially later in life that he better watch his behavior or he might have a lot of trouble later on. You are going to ruin him. He was fine until all the fun stuff was over and when he knew he wasn't going to get anymore stuff he just did what he wanted and said my dad said he doesn't care how I act with you and I do what ever I want and that is not excepted in my house.So obvious he doesn't care about seeing his sister too much. Child #3 told me the reason she doesn't go to him like she does SS2 is that he picks on her and is mean to her all the time, I would expect that from a younger brother more than the oldest one. My parents even have problems with him. He just thinks he can do anything he wants, you might let him, but I don't! So what your saying is that you lied But it is my fault that I didn't say anything about it last year. Well I am upset that you lied about 1 spring beak ,but now they end up having two and that is just plain selfish to make children wait SEVEN MONTHS to see their mother and then try to blame it on that they need to abide by paper work that was LIED about YEAH! your right they are going to retain so much guidance and maturity from that that I don't know how they could have a bright future with out that one. You keep trying to throw it on me. all I ever try to do is defend myself to SS1 not try to make him hate you .I don't want my kids to hate any one. Perpetual Fiance would gladly give me the money for the Spring trip.I personally don't make enough, but you should know that because the Judge from when you took me to court 3 times yelled at you and the attorney for you and said that he better not see this case come back in front of him again. He said this girl is on disability she doesn't make anything, but you never could get enough money and had to stoop down and try to get money out of your kids disabled mother.

April 3, 2008

BM: I will not take away SS2's 4 wheeling plans so you can keep the departure the same, but he will be going home no earlier than the 24th of Aug. There will be no other agreement that I will agree too. If you want too go by the areement we have through the court, than that is more than I even need to give you. That shows I am not the person that you claim I am.

April 3, 2008

DH: I have the police report from your last summer visit already, and all it indicates is that you can only discipline with physical violence and police intervention. The report actually states that SS1 removed himself from the situation by leaving the apartment, since in the past there has never been enough room for the boys to have their own space. This is a strategy that has been encouraged by his counselor and I am very proud of him for reacting to your actions that way. If you think the report shows SS1 in a bad light, you would be mistaken.

I am glad that you have realized that SS1's behavior stems from the fact that you continually promise them "fun" things to do to get them to want to visit with you. Of course if he is promised things and they are not followed through with, he will be disappointed. Maybe not spending months promising things and actually telling them that visitation is for time to be with you, and it doesn't matter what they are doing with you, could solve the problem you have pointed out.

It is not that I don't care about how he behaves, it is that I have nothing to do with your interactions with him when he is at your house. You need to address the issues that occur at your house, just as we address issues at our house. I have never had to call the police to help me parent.

The issues Child #3 may have with SS1 sound like they also have to do with discipline issues in your home. Fortunately, you are mistaken again about SS1's feelings. After you rejected him last week, he took his photos of Child #3 and put them in the plastic sleeve of his planner folder, so he could see them while at school. If you think SS1 doesn't care about Child #3, you really aren't able to see his pain at all.

Also, if your parents have such a problem with SS1, why is it that whenever you can't handle parenting him anymore, he goes to stay with them?

I am only pointing out that if this conversation you say happened about spring break, which never did because it was not part of the suggested visitation schedule I presented to you, I would think you would have mentioned it last year, instead of waiting until now.

Personally, I would find it more responsible to borrow money to support your children's medical costs, than spend it on extra vacation. That would be an example of the difficult decisions that a responsible parent has to make. I don't understand why would a parent put vacation before medical care?

I am surprised that you believe that I took you to court for child support. If you look at the top of your paperwork from our case, it clearly states "State of Former Home, Department of Revenue" as a listed petitioner. When a parent receives any support from the State of Former Home, they find the other parent to get their money back. When I was awarded custody, I applied for the state run Healthy Kids program, which provided health insurance at a lower cost. The State of Former Home took you back to court to get their money back. I was listed as a petitioner because we already had an open case in family court. If you look at our docket, the child support issues are addressed in the same file. However, I was not the one filing the paperwork. I appeared in court because I felt, since it concerned our children, that I should be there. The reason it went to court 3 times was because you did not provide evidence of your disability until the third time. I couldn't imagine a judge yelling at an attorney from the State Dept. of Revenue (again, all three times, that was not my personal lawyer). At the time we were in court for our divorce to be finalized, you also had no evidence of any disability, which is why 1/2 of the medical costs were ordered. You are free at any time to go back to court to petition to have that changed, until then, you are still expected to pay.

I am glad to see that you agree that the 4 wheeling plans are SS2's. He had asked about it months ago, and I said that we would have to see what your summer plans were, since, again, you only requested to have them 3 weeks out of the summer last year. When you stated to me that the summer plans were up to the boys, I told them they would have to discuss summer with you (which is what you requested). I have never asked you for that time (you are not giving "me" anything) and I have no plans yet to go 4 wheeling this summer, - you are more than welcome to have all of your summer. I have already told him that your time is all of the summer and we could go 4 wheeling on the weekend sometime before he left or after he returned. You are not taking anything away, because there is nothing planned. Would you like him to come down the day after he gets out of school and come home the day before?

April 4, 2008

BM: I really did ask you about Spring Break and, I'm sorry you don't remember that. I respect the fact that you would want that time with them, but there are now two weeks and since our sons, their sister and I have to wait 7 months to see each other. that it is insane you would understand that it is just plain reasonable that it is only human that this is too long for a parent, their children and their sibling to go with out seeing each other, when there is an extra week besides the one that I requested to to begin with and that you said did not exist. You honestly think that this is in our children's best interest to not see us for 7 months? When you have them everyday, weekend and one week during the Spring, if you want. I have to have all snow days taken off my vacation and I am willing, for the kid's sake, a week on top of that. Let me see if you can do the same for the kid's. I do understand that the boy's have friends, sports and such and that they want to do these things during my vacation and I am willing to sacrifice for them and always have. You are being asked for the second time and you haven't done that once for them.

Now when it comes too the case of the judge yelling at the attorney, you were there and this just proves that I have been writing too dragonmctt the whole time. At least with all my health problems I take the time too address the interest of our children first and foremost. You say that every business man dictates their letters, but I don't think of our children as a business. You can communicate too me yourself. I have known you since we were 15 and I know for a fact that you are not writing these at all, not even close. So when you can speak for yourself and for the interest of our children. You let me know when you can find the time, for OUR kids sake. I have to take a few days off because of crushing a nerve in my spine, only because the doctor has put me on full bed rest until I talk to the surgeon on Mon. I will address as much as I can until then against the doctors orders like I am doing right now.

April 4, 2008

DH: All I need you to address is if you want SS2 to fly:

1) right after school gets out/the day before school starts

2) one week after school gets out/August 24th

3) Another option could be right after school gets out/leave the one week at the end of the summer as it is now, so that he will get to see you sooner.

When you are able, please send a final confirmation.

April 8, 2008

BM: I am going to go with him coming right after school lets out and leave the week at the end so he can get ready for school to start. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I was in the hospital. They think I had a mild heart attack. I had really bad squeezing in my chest, my jaw locked up and I broke out in a cold sweat. My EKG came out bad and the test for a blood clot too the lung or heart came back positive, so I have been in CCU for a couple of day's on blood thinners and hooked up to every machine they had. Tell the boy's that I couldn't call them the last couple day's.

Spring Break Freak-Out

DH called BM in February and asked her what her plans were for the summer (last year they were supposed to be with her all summer, but she chose to only take them for 3 weeks). She stated at that time that it was up to the boys, so we told them that they needed to figure it out with her, but that if she asked for them to come down the whole summer than that was what would happen, since that is what the paperwork states (this is the first year we have allowed the boys to have any say in the matter (ages 13 and 15), but since last summer's trip went so poorly, we wanted the boys to be very clear with her about what the plans were). Over the next few weeks they hashed it out with BM.

BM had verbally agreed to SS1 going down for a month this summer, and SS2 spending the whole summer, minus a few days after school got out and a week before school started again. Flight reservations were made based on this, and the flight itinerary emailed to her.

Spring Break was coming up in April, which is not stipulated in the agreement as a time for the boys to travel to see her. She had called to have the boys fly out for the week, but after what had happened at Christmas and last summer, and especially since we had already made plans for the boys to visit to our former home state to visit both sets of grandparents, DH told her it wouldn't work out.

In March we get the following voicemail messages:

12:11 pm - Hey it's BM. I was looking over the, um, flight schedule that you sent me and I called the school and, um, they told me that the boys get off on the 20th and go back on August 27th. I mean, I think that's fair to, you know, have them come back a week early so they can get prepared for school, but since I can't get them that week, you know, you won't give me like one of the weeks, you know, they get one off in February and one in April now, and when we did that paperwork, you lied to me and said that because of school days they don't get spring break, and I think that's, you know, pretty low, so I'm not going to give up my week, you know, at the beginning of the, of the, um, summer vacation then, and, 'cause the paperwork says I get them all summer, so, you know, I'll give them that, that week before they go to school so they can pick out clothes and stuff like that, but I'm not going to give up the week, uh, before it. I get them such little time anyway, so, um, we're gonna have to work that out, 'cause it's in the paperwork that I get them the whole summer, you won't give me the weeks, uh, in spring, so I'm gonna take that week back, so, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

BM actually gets the boys 5 more days a year with the current agreement than she did when she saw them every other weekend. How mature - you won't let me play with your toy, so I'm taking my toy back...jeez.

12:48 pm - I just don't understand why, you know, after you lying to me, all that lying to me, and, oh, and calling me a liar to the boys all these years, you know, you just can't give me a week, that I deserve, I DESERVE a week, when you are 50 miles away from a child, you deserve a week away, but no, me being, you know, taking your word for it, I signed papers for you and your wife to move up there with the boys, and you can't even give me a lousy week in the spring, I think that is pretty fucking lousy, now if you can't work that out, I want SS2 when he gets off, and you can send SS1 when he gets off, because that's how it's gonna be. I'm gonna get every frickin' day I can, with the boys. If you can't give me a lousy week in the spring, well, that's your fault then, and I'm gonna tell the boys that, that it is your fault, that you can't give me a week with them in the spring, so I'm making them come down a week early, 'cause I'm missing out on a week in spring. So, you can live with that, when I tell the boys that, 'cause it's YOUR fault, 'cause you guys are being selfish, and stuff, and your having to ask (dragonmctt) for permission on everything, frickin' ridiculous, hey, whatever happened to the balls that you had when we were married? God, she must have cut them off and frickin' put them in her purse. Man, 'cause you were frickin' balls when we were married. You didn't listen to a damn word I said. SO FIGURE IT OUT! Get SS2 back, over here, right when he gets out of school, and get SS1 out when he gets out.

It's interesting how you can see her winding herself right up. She really does believe that visitation is for her, not for the kids. She also projects all the time about lying, saying DH is the liar, when in fact it is her. I also find it funny that she says she never talks to the boys about issues from the divorce, yet she threatens to twice!

My favorite part, though, is the part about DH's balls. She can't stand the fact that DH and I are happily married and live our lives TOGETHER. When SS2 heard the message, he laughed and said, "She's always talking about your big, juicy balls." And then he shuddered, like any teenager (or adult, for that matter) would when thinking about a parent's anatomical parts.

2:15 pm - Hi, waiting for a call back, um, you know, you haven't answered me, why I can't have them for a week, you know, with them getting two weeks off in the spring, why is it that I can't have one of those weeks. You know, you haven't returned my call on that, and stuff, and so, I'm gonna have them the whole summer, then. 'Cause you're going by the paperwork, you can have them a couple days before, um, school, um, starts back up, but I'm not giving you the week after when school gets up too, if you can't even have the decency to give me an answer on that. So if we are going to go by the paperwork, I get them the whole summer, and you can have them a couple days before they have to go back. Your not getting them a whole week before they have to go back to school. You don't need a whole week. So. Give me a call back, it's all up, in your court, so give me a week in spring, when they have two weeks off, or you send them as soon as they get off of school, and you get them a couple days before they have to go back. So if you want to go by the paperwork, I'll go right along with the paperwork. So. Alright, talk to you later. Bye.

Is it just me, or does it sound like she is talking about arranging the schedule for a timeshare? It is almost as if the boys themselves aren't even in the equation.

2:17 pm - Oh, yeah, and by the way, I will tell the boys why that is and it's because you lied to me, and saying they had to make up their snow days during the spring, and they'll know that you also lied again, um, so, you know, it's up to you, you can fix it, or you can, uh, let them know, you know, just how deceptive you are, so, let me know, alright, bye.

Projection, projection, projection. Threatening to talk to the boys about it again.

2:23 pm - Over here, they're staying the whole summer then, if that's how it's going to be, you lied to me, and your going to be jerk about it, well, the boys will know that they're going to miss out on everything that they are going to be able to do this summer, because of you, because you wouldn't let me have them for spring break, that I would be entitled to, and you know damn well that's true, and I'm just gonna tell them, it's your fault, I'll keep them the whole summer then, but it is YOUR fault, because you lied to me, you know very damn well you did, so, do whatever you want, but I'm getting them the whole summer.

Projection, projection, projection. Threatening to talk to the boys again. And why are they going to miss out on everything this summer?

5:10 pm - DH called her back and tried to explain that only summer and Christmas were in the agreement, and that there had been no conversation about it, but she was too far in her rage to listen.

5:32 pm - Hey, have the boys call me as soon as they get home, 'cause I'm supposed to be able to get a hold of them whenever I want to, uh, I'm supposed to have direct contact with them whenever I want, you guys don't have a normal phone, I'm gonna go to the courts with that, um, and, that's gonna be changed, um, so they better call me right away. So, if you don't want me calling the court house, and causing a whole bunch of trouble, you better have them call me right away, 'cause they are going to know that you lied about this, and I don't care what you say to them, (chuckle) trust me, I'll make them believe it. And you know you lied about it, you know you told me there was no spring break, so, you know, everything that they are going to miss this summer, is all going to be on your shoulders, or should I say (dragonmctt), since you can't make a decision to save your life, so, you always have to ask mommy for everything, so, um, I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, we'll get those walkie-talkies implanted into their skulls right away! All she has is a cell phone - we at least have Skype that the boys can use whenever they want, with their own incoming number and voicemail. We actually got this so she could video chat with them, but has she ever got it set up? It's FREE! How much more trouble could she cause? (we're dying to get her into court anyway). Some more projection. The "I'll make them believe it" sent shivers down my spine. Didn't she just admit to being an alienator? Still don't get why she thinks the boys are missing something this summer. And finally, another dig at our healthy relationship, which ironically, is also a projection of her relationship with Perpetual Fiance (as we find out in a later email).

Since she stated numerous times that she would be discussing this issue with the boys (highly inappropriate), we figured we better give them a heads up. We told them that of course their dad and I discuss plans and how that affects the whole family, and that in good relationships, things are discussed together. We also let them know that if she states in writing that she wants the flight changed to all summer, that is what will happen. We discussed with them that we felt it was inappropriate for her to be discussing this with them, but that she wanted them to call her right away. She talks to SS1 for a whole 3 minutes, telling SS1 that he had to say DH was a liar, that SS1 was responsible for his grandfather's recent heart attack, and when SS1 refused to agree that DH was evil, she hung up on him.

These is the email that SS1 wrote to her after getting off the phone:

I was trying to get over my self to visit you this summer but you are forceing me to stay the whole summer because of something between you and my dad and putting me in it is pretty childish I mean we could not last 2 weeks and you think we will last the whole summer and trying to guilt me with grandpa that was pretty crul. I will always love you but I just can't handle this so until then this is it.

5:58 - That's fine, if SS1 doesn't want to come, that's fine, but get SS2 on a plane, I'll have all summer with him, so that's fine.

We let SS2 know that he would be going for the whole summer, which he was not happy with, since he wanted a week of summertime with his friends up here. SS2 is on the couch, and we tell him that he needs to call his his mom. He gives us a smirk and says, "I got it covered." As if he already knew he could manipulate her. And he comes out of his room 10 minutes later and says that he can come back a week early. Don't know what part of his soul he had to sell.

Can't buy me love, love...

...Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy,
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.
- The Beatles


So SS1 just spoke to BM on the phone. After gushing about all the things SS2 has been doing, she asks SS1 if he is planning on coming for the week at Christmas (6 months away). He tries to be polite to her on the phone, as to be able to have some type of normal conversation with her, yet she insists on discussing this with him now, the first time he has talked to her in weeks. Then she puts SS2 on the phone to beg SS1 to come at Christmas. Then she guilts SS1 with how much his little sister misses him and how he can go to an indoor water park. He tries to end the conversation by telling her he'll think about it, instead of telling her how he really feels, which is scared to death that she is going to call the police on him again, and disgusted that she would say a little version of DH was not welcome in her house (which she wrote in an email a few months ago). So she goes to her last resort, "I'll give you $200.00 if you come."

SS1 got off the phone utterly disgusted. He did a good job keeping his cool, but he was so disappointed that he couldn't have a normal conversation with his mom, his brother or his sister. The whole time it was all about the drama - not "How are you? What's new?"

I don't get it.

Answering the Call

SS2 left a message for us last night. We called back today, BM answered the phone, DH told her SS2 had left us a message and he would like to talk to him, and she says to SS2, "Did you call your dad last night?" in that snotty tone, like she thinks we are lying, or SS2 did something wrong. Apparently he called while she was sleeping, or something, because she knew nothing about it. Part of me feels bad that we may have put him in a predicament, because I'm sure he'll hear an earful. Yet, another part of me feels like this is the only way he is going to understand. We never restrict his calling BM, unless he is trying to get out of a chore or extend his bedtime, yet she constantly bitches about phone contact - like she's supposed to have a 24-7 intercom attached to his ear.

He only answered in yes or no answers and had nothing to share, so we ended the call in about 3 minutes. It was clear that BM was staring him down and he felt uncomfortable. I'm sure she will either hide the cell phone or threaten him not to talk to us until Sunday. Next time we talk to him, DH is going to tell him that if he gets the voicemail and leaves us a message, just to tell us that he will call back when he can and isn't expecting us to call back, so we don't put him in this situation again.

He's going to learn the hard way what his older brother has had to deal with for years, while he was off in lala land playing with his little sister. Maybe he'll come home with a new appreciation for SS1 and what he has been through.

Fly, little bird, fly

Well, we dropped SS2 off at the airport yesterday. His flight was delayed a bit, so we don't know if she actually made it on time or just got lucky, but he called after he landed and said all was well. Instead of dreading hearing the phone ring because it is most likely BM bitching about something, now the silence of the phone will be deafening. How is he doing? Is she grilling him? What mean thing has she said about us today? What is she bribing him with? Will she just let him enjoy his summer?

SS1 became teary-eyed as we watched his plane take off. Not sure if it was because he would miss his brother, or he is hurt that he is not going, or a combination of both. We have a room above the garage that has been made into a mini-apartment for them and their friends to hang out in, fold-out couch, chairs, pool table, musical instruments, etc. SS1 asked SS2 if he wanted to sleep out there with him Friday night. SS2 was floored. BM has made SS2 think that SS1 "hates" him, when really they have a typical older brother/younger brother relationship. But SS2 looks at it through a warped lens (he's always the "victim", never the instigator). When I went to wake them up Saturday morning, SS2 had his head resting on SS1's shoulder. It was too cute!

It is very strange to send a child to spend time with his mother and have no idea what he will be like when he gets home, if he even comes home.

Today's Reality

I thought I would be able to get all the past in before I started writing about the present, but as time slips through my fingers, I'm realizing I just need to write as it comes to me.

Today was the last counseling appt for SS2 before he leaves Saturday to visit BM in another state for 8 weeks. The longest he has stayed with her at one time in the last 8 years was 3 weeks, and that involved the police. Other than that, it has just been one or two weeks, or just weekends. Considering how the week at Christmas went, I'm very anxious about this summer. With the counselor we went over with him the following issues:

1) What to do at the airport if BM is not there when he lands (she has already warned him she might not be). Hello!!!!!! Arrive 45 minutes before the child lands, minimum. Good grief. We are going to practice with him what to do when we drop him off at our airport.

2) Strategies he can use when BM starts bashing DH or SS1 (who, is not going on the summer visit).

The counselor used a great analogy. Let's say SS2 is wearing blue shorts and BM tells him they are red. He may have to agree with BM that the shorts are red to keep the peace, but we want him to come home and still know the shorts are blue.

He also is going to try the "I don't know" strategy, since that is actually true and he doesn't know anything about why SS1 is not going and doesn't know anything about the many things in the past BM will bring up.

If these two don't stop her, he's got two back up plans.

Try to distract her, by talking about videogames or some TV show. She is easily distracted and often forgets what she was just talking about.

And finally, if all else fails, he's just gonna come right out and say that he is there to visit her, enjoy time with her, and what is going on with DH and her, or SS1 and her, has nothing to do with him.

3) We discussed what a police report is. Whenever she is angry, she brings up police reports. She has them on DH, SS1 and Perpetual Fiance. We explained that a police report is only a version of events written down by a police officer. There needs to be evidence that supports the report in order for there to be an arrest. Then there has to be a judge or jury that finds someone guilty or innocent based on evidence. None of BM's police reports have ever made it to this stage. Lack of evidence and credibility will do that!

4) We discussed how phone calls were going to go. DH will call him one day a week, Sunday, and if he is not there, that is ok. He can call us back when it is convenient for him. We will not be calling 15 times in a row, or yell at him if he does not call back instantly. We understand that he will be having fun and exploring a new place and that is ok. (This will totally take the power out of BM's hands, because I'm sure she's already planning on screening her calls and saying "your dad hasn't called in a while.")

5) We will not be crying at the airport when he leaves. That does not mean we love him any less. We also will not be calling him as soon as he gets to BM's and cry on the phone about how much we miss him and how we wish he didn't go. That does not mean we love him or miss him any less.

How sad is it that we have to do this to prepare a 13 year old to spend time with his mom?