Catch up:
*In mid Nov, hearing for DH's petition for contempt was scheduled for December 3rd.
*CPS case in BM's state was closed shortly after the hearing was set.
*DH received copy of CPS report in BM's state. BM denied ever having huffed with or without SS1 and SS2, but Perpetual Fiance admitted he was a huffer. CPS assessed a low risk, since BM stated they would now be buying whipped cream in a tub.
*December 2nd, DH's lawyer gets a call from the court clerk stating BM wanted a continuance because she wanted to make sure the judge had the CPS report and she had not submitted one yet. DH's lawyer let the clerk know that we had a copy we would be happy to submit to the court. BM's request for a continuance was denied. (Made her look pretty stupid that she was the one that wanted the court to have the report, yet DH was able to have his act together enough to already have a copy! Apparently she didn't care enough to get her copy ahead of time.)
*December 3rd, contempt hearing - parenting plan ordered this spring specifically states that neither parent will subject SS1 and SS2 to anyone doing illegal drugs, including either parent. Due to BM's contempt of this order by teaching the boys to huff from whipped cream containers, DH is asking for BM's parenting time to be suspended pending 1) Substance Abuse assessment, 2) Mental Health assessment, 3) Parenting classes, and 4) BM petitioning the court to hold another hearing to determine if parenting time should be reinstated.
-Judge heard from DH's attorney - he spoke for about 5 minutes recapping what had happened.
-Judge asked for info from our state's CPS who had interviewed the boys. We tried to get the report submitted, but BM had not signed the release yet (big surprise), so all the judge would allow the attorney to do is read parts into the record, since BM agreed to that verbally. Judge was not happy BM hadn't done anything to get the report released.
-Judge received CPS report from BM's state from DH's lawyer. This was able to be submitted because BM had already signed a release for her copy.
-Judge heard from BM (she always appears telephonically). 10 minute rant. Highlights include 1) her list of medical ailments (including mental health issues), 2) the high dose of Oxycontin she has been prescribed for the last 8 years (BM's words : I take so much Oxycontin, what do I need whipped cream for?) 3) She has "voluntarily" taken herself off of ALL her meds, and has been suffering weeks of withdrawal for the boys 4) DH takes her to court all the time (since divorce was final in 2002, we have only gone back 2x - once was a joint petition to allow DH to move out of state with the boys, and once was to have the parenting plan changed to meet our current state standards), basically, her first 10 minutes where spent playing the victim card.
-Judge hears from DH's attorney again. Short and sweet - both the boys reported the abuse to DH, CPS and our local police chief. There is no reason to believe the boys would not be telling the truth.
-Judge hears from BM again. Another 10 minute rant, (this time completely used to deflect and project, since victim wasn't working out well for her) which included using curse words in front of the judge, accusing SS1 and SS2 of smoking pot since they were 12 (which surprisingly she has never reported to authorities and forgot to mention to the GAL at the beginning of this year, hmmm), accusing SS1 of making this all up because he didn't want to go out at Christmas (she told the judge that she had told SS1 he had to either come for every day he has off, or not come at all. The current parenting plan leaves the travel plans up to the boys - they decide how much of their time they want to spend there. BM's ultimatum violates the parenting plan and very clearly shows that it is all about HER and not the boys). This last point peaked the judges interest enough to ask her a follow-up question. (Our suspicion is that it was to confirm what appeared to be his current perception that she is completely nuts and lying through her teeth.)
-Judge asks BM the follow up question, very simple. When did you have this conversation with SS1 that leads you to believe SS1 and SS2 made up the huffing allegations to get out of traveling to see you?
-BM stutters, hesitates, uhmms, and then states she'd have to look at her calendar. Judge asks could she tell him what month? Stutter, hesitation, uhmmms, it was September, the day before CPS came to see her.
***********BM just put the last nail in her coffin.***********
(Boys reported to CPS in August, CPS came to visit her in October.)
-Judge says that he'll take what she has to say into consideration, gets up and leaves the courtroom. Judge was pissed.
DH's lawyer was shocked. He'd never had a judge just get up and leave and not make a final address to both parties. After listening to her 20 minutes worth of rants of horrible accusations, we were all a bit overwhelmed. DH's lawyer didn't know what to make of it, and the waiting game began. After a week, an order still had not been made. After two weeks, an order was "in the system" but the clerk could give no further info. Finally, December 22nd, we finally hear from the lawyer - he received a copy of the order.
1) BM's parenting time is suspended, she is found in contempt.
2) BM is required to submit a Substance Abuse Assessment.
3) BM is required to petition the court for another hearing to determine if parenting time is reinstated.
4) Judge handwrites on the order that the court is NOT convinced that the children are lying.
So now the boys do not have to be sent back to BM until she gets the assessment, files it with the court, and requests another hearing. I don't see making traveling plans anytime soon!
While we are disappointed that the judge did not order the parenting classes DH requested, we are pleased that BM stated on record some of her mental health issues herself. She also admitted that Perpetual Fiance was a drug user, while in her mind deflected the attention off herself, but in reality, had she read the parenting plan closely enough, she would have realized that in itself was grounds for contempt. We don't believe for one minute that she did not huff with the boys, but if her admitting Perpetual Fiance does it was enough to tip the judge to issue the contempt, so be it. We are also quite pleased that BM's parenting time will not be reinstated until SHE completes several actions. With BM's history of follow-through, just about non-existent, we are quite confident that BM will drop the ball on reinstating parenting time herself. She's already told the boys they won't be coming for a year, so it seems she's not really in a hurry to get any of it done.
As well as court went for DH, we are extremely disappointed in the CPS investigation in her state. Our state's investigator was very concerned, but as BM lives in another state, his hands were tied. The investigator in BM's state sounded like she was fresh out of school when DH talked to her on the phone. Her report clearly indicates that she completely bought BM's story about not huffing with the children, and is completely naive if she thinks that anyone who admits to huffing whipped cream is now going to buy whipped cream in a tub. Whatever! The fact that BM's household was not required to receive some substance abuse assistance from CPS is horrible. The boys have a younger sister that is subjected to this everyday. And if BM and Perpetual Fiance haven't huffed with her yet, it won't be long.
Hopefully BM takes some time to get the help she needs, but with her parents constantly making excuses for her and provide for her (they told the boys they don't believe that the huffing happened, they pay for her phone, rent, travel, etc), a Perpetual Fiance that will constantly take the bullet for her, and a child (the boys younger sister) that has been programmed to never tell anything that happens at their house to anyone else, the chances of her ever getting better are pretty slim. SS1 turns 18 next October, so he won't have to deal with her "parenting time" anymore. SS2 will probably be 16 or older before he ever goes back, if he does at all. Aside from any retaliatory actions BM may take, which I'm sure will not amount to anything more than a pain in the ass, DH and I are finally able to breathe a sigh of relief after 10 years! We could not ask for a better present!
Anyone out there that is worried the chaos may never end, don't ever lose faith. Having spent almost 25% of my life dealing with BM's terrorism, having wondered myself if I was strong enough, if DH was strong enough, if the kids were strong enough to survive, I can tell you that focusing on whatever positive there is will get you through. Step by step, inch by inch, frustration after frustration, change can happen. While it may not come fast enough to save your children's childhood, every positive action you take to try to overcome will be one more piece of their lives you can claim back for them. Every injustice you bring to light will teach them they should not allow themselves to be abused.
A big shout out to Mister M at thepsychoexwife.com, and everyone on thepsychoexwife.com forums for all the support, encouragement, strategy assistance and humor! Without finding this group of wonderful people all suffering through emotional terrorism of their own, I don't know if DH and I would have had the strength to continue the struggle.
December 24, 2009
November 8, 2009
Thank you, Perpetual Fiance!
So apparently Perpetual Fiance has gained control in his own home. Instead of being BM's lapdog and allowing himself to be forced into continuing BM's chaos by making phone threats to DH, he has actually put his foot down. After BM's hysterical verbal beating on SS1 this afternoon, Perpetual Fiance left SS1 a message, letting him know that BM's behavior was inappropriate and that the boys should not be worrying about anything. He then intercepted SS2's call with BM to lay down the same ground rules. Finally! Don't know where this sense of clarity has come from, but the boys certainly appreciate the support. DH knows exactly what this man deals with on a day to day basis with BM, and we've always wanted to have his back should he need our support, but it has been difficult to help when he's made it clear he has been forced to protect his own parental interests with his daughter by doing BM's bidding.
Hopefully, Perpetual Fiance is realizing that only if BM is held accountable for her actions will she ever see the need to get help. (Hopefully for his daughter's sake, he's realizing this sooner than later.)
And the only way that is going to happen is if everyone that interacts with her gets on the same page with us and says enough is enough. Everyone needs to stop allowing her to make DH her scapegoat for why she can treat her children like emotional dart boards. The boys are not her personal therapists. The boys are not her friends. Last week she had the urge to fill some emotional vacuum in her own life by sending SS2 (14) a card that one would give an adult. And I quote "When you were growing up, I knew that one day we would talk like friends - like adults. Now that time is here..." HE'S 14!!! That time is not here, he's not done growing up, he shouldn't be talked to like he's an adult. Sadly, she's been treating them like her adult friends since they were very young. DH hasn't prevented BM from being a parent to the boys, she has vacated the role all on her own. And the only way she can reclaim any sense of parental authority with them after this summer's huffing incident is to take responsibility and reclaim her title as a parent.
But instead she thinks DH is just supposed to make excuses for her behavior and pretend it didn't happen? What kind of parent would he be then? And what chance would the boys have of making any sense of this world? And how safe would the boys be in her care if she is given no limits?
BM has caused enough pain in enough people's lives. It is time she gets the help she needs to appreciate the people in her life who want to see her have positive relationships with those that care about her. For the boys' well-being, we will settle for nothing less.
Hopefully, Perpetual Fiance is realizing that only if BM is held accountable for her actions will she ever see the need to get help. (Hopefully for his daughter's sake, he's realizing this sooner than later.)
And the only way that is going to happen is if everyone that interacts with her gets on the same page with us and says enough is enough. Everyone needs to stop allowing her to make DH her scapegoat for why she can treat her children like emotional dart boards. The boys are not her personal therapists. The boys are not her friends. Last week she had the urge to fill some emotional vacuum in her own life by sending SS2 (14) a card that one would give an adult. And I quote "When you were growing up, I knew that one day we would talk like friends - like adults. Now that time is here..." HE'S 14!!! That time is not here, he's not done growing up, he shouldn't be talked to like he's an adult. Sadly, she's been treating them like her adult friends since they were very young. DH hasn't prevented BM from being a parent to the boys, she has vacated the role all on her own. And the only way she can reclaim any sense of parental authority with them after this summer's huffing incident is to take responsibility and reclaim her title as a parent.
But instead she thinks DH is just supposed to make excuses for her behavior and pretend it didn't happen? What kind of parent would he be then? And what chance would the boys have of making any sense of this world? And how safe would the boys be in her care if she is given no limits?
BM has caused enough pain in enough people's lives. It is time she gets the help she needs to appreciate the people in her life who want to see her have positive relationships with those that care about her. For the boys' well-being, we will settle for nothing less.
You'd think she'd learn...
Does BM really think calling the kids to swear, scream, and threaten makes them have a stronger relationship? Clueless and out of control. The boys are so over it. Will she ever understand that she is damaging her relationship with her children herself?
November 7, 2009
Over the hills, through the woods, it's off to court we go...
DH talked to the caseworker in BM's state. The case is still open. All the other times cases have been opened on BM, they have been closed in a matter of weeks. We are going on to the fourth month now. Obviously there is something else going on over there...perhaps the level of domestic discord in the house? ...perhaps prescription drug addiction? ...perhaps BM's unstable mental health? One can only guess, these are just the things we have experienced - who knows what goes on when the boys aren't there that we don't even know about. The caseworker made it very clear that she does not see the case closing anytime soon - that was all she would tell him. Confidentiality, ya know. WTF? DH is supposed to send two kids to her house and he doesn't have the right to know what is going on there?
DH filed the contempt petition (for the huffing) almost two weeks ago, he's still waiting on a hearing date to serve on BM. It will be very interesting to see how she reacts with the eagle eyes of CPS on her. He's asking the judge to suspend her parenting time (ugh, it makes me just want to gag using that phrase, she is so far from a parent!) until the CPS case is closed, and then require BM to petition the court to resume her time after copies of the report are furnished to the judge and DH, and after a hearing is held. I can't believe we finally have enough to take to court, and BM did it all to herself.
I'll keep you posted as we find out more. As always, the waiting game begins...
DH filed the contempt petition (for the huffing) almost two weeks ago, he's still waiting on a hearing date to serve on BM. It will be very interesting to see how she reacts with the eagle eyes of CPS on her. He's asking the judge to suspend her parenting time (ugh, it makes me just want to gag using that phrase, she is so far from a parent!) until the CPS case is closed, and then require BM to petition the court to resume her time after copies of the report are furnished to the judge and DH, and after a hearing is held. I can't believe we finally have enough to take to court, and BM did it all to herself.
I'll keep you posted as we find out more. As always, the waiting game begins...
September 30, 2009
Whip-it, whip-it good.
SS1's week trip was midway through SS2's 6 week trip. Shortly after we picked SS1 up from the airport, DH and SS1 took a road trip to visit DH's parents. DH called me from the road - he'd about had it. SS1 had spent 4 hours complaining about his trip. It would take hours to type up all of it, and almost all of it we can't do anything about anyway. However...
...DH starts asking me about whip-its. I'm like, what? He had no idea either, he just said SS1 was pissed about it. So on the internet I go. Ready for this?
Whip-its: using a whipped cream can to suck out the gas which dispenses the whipped cream to get high. In other words, HUFFING. We'd talked to the boys about huffing in the past, but in relation to chemicals like cleaning products or stuff you would find in a garage. But we hadn't even heard of using whipped cream containers.
When DH and SS1 got back from their trip a couple weeks later, we talked to SS1 about it some more. Apparently, SS1 asked BM why there were 8 empty whipped cream containers in her fridge. She then proceeds to tell the boys how cool it is, shows them how to do it, and tells them that her and Perpetual Fiance do it often. Then she tells them to try it. WTF?
As if that wasn't enough, she bought SS1 a pack of cigarettes!
After the shock of it all wore off, DH and I got some advice from several sources. We talked to a couple close friends - same reaction as ours. We talked to our local police chief, who had gotten to know SS1 very well right after his friend's suicide. He offered to come over to the house with the DARE officer to discuss the dangers with the boys, which they followed through on. Did you know you can die instantly from huffing? Of course, MOTY told the boys it was safe because it is the same gas they use at the dentist. Ummmm, I'm pretty sure dentists are licensed to administer that drug. I also posted on a message board I regularly frequent, and the responses were quite in line with what we were planning. After SS2 arrived home, we contacted CPS. Both boys told the investigator what had happened, and we stressed to the boys this was not about getting their mom in trouble, but protecting their sister. If SS1 was there a week and witnessed the huffing, imagine how often their sister sees it happening! She's 8. Even SS2 at 14 didn't realize how serious this is. DH and I would feel awful if we knew that was going on there and something tragic happened. Because we are in different states, the investigation is still ongoing, and of course the Friday before the Monday we talked to the investigator BM left a message on DH's phone saying they are moving back to FormerHomeState, and then moving to one of two other states. So she's on the move, and it may take a while for CPS to catch up to her.
She has not yet given us her new address, so the boys will not be making any trips anytime soon. We're sure she is expecting them at Christmas, but if the case is still open when it is time to make the travel arrangements (early November), we will be doing what we need to do in court to make sure they do not go. Our lawyer finds it very unlikely that the Marital Master would force a trip with an open case with CPS regarding drug use, especially since it is against our court order. Huffing is also against the law in BM's state where this happened, a misdemeanor to do it, a felony to supply chemicals to another to do it. She did both. If there is a CPS finding, criminal charges may follow shortly.
Or, things could go as they usually do when dealing with a PEW, everyone looks the other way...
...DH starts asking me about whip-its. I'm like, what? He had no idea either, he just said SS1 was pissed about it. So on the internet I go. Ready for this?
Whip-its: using a whipped cream can to suck out the gas which dispenses the whipped cream to get high. In other words, HUFFING. We'd talked to the boys about huffing in the past, but in relation to chemicals like cleaning products or stuff you would find in a garage. But we hadn't even heard of using whipped cream containers.
When DH and SS1 got back from their trip a couple weeks later, we talked to SS1 about it some more. Apparently, SS1 asked BM why there were 8 empty whipped cream containers in her fridge. She then proceeds to tell the boys how cool it is, shows them how to do it, and tells them that her and Perpetual Fiance do it often. Then she tells them to try it. WTF?
As if that wasn't enough, she bought SS1 a pack of cigarettes!
After the shock of it all wore off, DH and I got some advice from several sources. We talked to a couple close friends - same reaction as ours. We talked to our local police chief, who had gotten to know SS1 very well right after his friend's suicide. He offered to come over to the house with the DARE officer to discuss the dangers with the boys, which they followed through on. Did you know you can die instantly from huffing? Of course, MOTY told the boys it was safe because it is the same gas they use at the dentist. Ummmm, I'm pretty sure dentists are licensed to administer that drug. I also posted on a message board I regularly frequent, and the responses were quite in line with what we were planning. After SS2 arrived home, we contacted CPS. Both boys told the investigator what had happened, and we stressed to the boys this was not about getting their mom in trouble, but protecting their sister. If SS1 was there a week and witnessed the huffing, imagine how often their sister sees it happening! She's 8. Even SS2 at 14 didn't realize how serious this is. DH and I would feel awful if we knew that was going on there and something tragic happened. Because we are in different states, the investigation is still ongoing, and of course the Friday before the Monday we talked to the investigator BM left a message on DH's phone saying they are moving back to FormerHomeState, and then moving to one of two other states. So she's on the move, and it may take a while for CPS to catch up to her.
She has not yet given us her new address, so the boys will not be making any trips anytime soon. We're sure she is expecting them at Christmas, but if the case is still open when it is time to make the travel arrangements (early November), we will be doing what we need to do in court to make sure they do not go. Our lawyer finds it very unlikely that the Marital Master would force a trip with an open case with CPS regarding drug use, especially since it is against our court order. Huffing is also against the law in BM's state where this happened, a misdemeanor to do it, a felony to supply chemicals to another to do it. She did both. If there is a CPS finding, criminal charges may follow shortly.
Or, things could go as they usually do when dealing with a PEW, everyone looks the other way...
Final Hearing and Parenting Plan
Final hearing was set for the end of May. Of course, BM waits until the last minute to contact our lawyer to settle. But whatever. Our plan worked, asking for sole decision making completely tweaked her out, and she agreed to everything else in the parenting plan, as long as joint decision making remained. Ummm, yeah. There was no way DH would get sole decision making. But thanks for walking right into that one. You can find the final parenting plan below, with my favorite parts in bold ; )
At the hearing, BM rambles on about the boys' phone again. She told the judge the phone was on my computer. Huh? DH explained the boys' have their own hand held Skype phone with their own voice mail. Marital Master asked DH if he would be willing to tell the boys to call BM if she hasn't heard from them in a week. DH said no problem, but it is not in the order.
This parenting plan is: Proposed by DH and BM
This parenting plan is: Changing a prior final parenting plan or a prior final
custody/visitation order.
This parenting plan is for the following children born to the parties:
SS1, SS2
A. Decision-Making Responsibility:
1. Major Decisions: Both parents maintain joint
decision making responsibility and share in the responsibility for making
major decisions about the children.
2. Day-to-Day Decisions: Each parent shall make day-to day decisions for
the children during the time he/she is caring for the children. In “life threatening”
emergency decisions affecting the health or safety of the
children, the parent who makes the decision will notify the other parent
within 3 hours of the emergency, with a description of the incident,
treatment center name and phone number, and confirmation that
insurance information has been provided to the treatment center. All non
life threatening medical treatment must have prior approval of the child’s
primary care physician in the primary residence location.
B. Residential Responsibility & Parenting Schedule:
1. Routine Schedule: DH will continue to be the primary
residential parent. The children shall negotiate their own visitation
schedule, including no less than two visitations per year with their mother,
BM.
2. Holiday and Birthday Planning: No holiday and birthday schedule shall
apply. The routine schedule set forth above shall apply.
3. Three-day weekends: No three-day weekend schedule shall apply. The
routine schedule set forth above shall apply.
4. Vacation Schedule: No vacation schedule shall apply. The routine
schedule set forth above shall apply.
5. Supervised Parenting Time: Not Applicable
6. Other Parental Responsibilities: Each parent shall promote a healthy,
beneficial relationship between the child(ren) and the other parent and
shall not demean or speak out negatively in any manner that would
damage the relationship between either parent and the child(ren). Neither
parent shall permit the child(ren) to be subjected to persons abusing
alcohol or using illegal drugs. This includes the abuse of alcohol or the
use of illegal drugs by the parent.
C. Legal Residence of a Child for School Attendance:
The children shall attend school in the school district where the parent with
primary residential responsibility resides. Under this plan, that parent is DH.
D. Transportation and Exchange of the Children:
All parties shall receive notification of travel dates no less than 45 days prior to
the beginning of the visitation period. DH will be financially
responsible for 2 visitations per child per year. Once travel arrangements are made, there will be no changes in departure/return dates or destinations. Only flights cancelled by the airline will be rebooked by the purchasing party.
E. Information Sharing and Access, Including Telephone and Electronic Access:
Both parents have equal rights to inspect and receive the child(ren)’s school
records, and both parents are encouraged to consult with school staff concerning
the child(ren)’s welfare and education. Both parents are encouraged to
participate in and attend the child(ren)’s school events.
Both parents have equal rights to inspect and receive governmental agency and
law enforcement records concerning the child(ren).
Both parents have equal rights to consult with any person who may provide care
or treatment for the child(ren) and to inspect and receive the child(ren)’s medical,
dental or psychological records, subject to other statutory restrictions.
Each parent has a continuing responsibility to provide a residential, mailing, or
contact address and contact telephone number to the other parent.
1. Parent-Child Telephone Contact: The children shall be given privacy
during their conversations with either parent. The children are at an age that
they can decide the frequency of initiating phone contact and returning phone
calls. While in the care of DH, the children are provided their own
telephone and telephone line, with voicemail for BM to access. While in
the care of BM, a call will be made by DH to her phone once
a week to speak to the children, with the children being able to determine
frequency of any other calls. On school nights, telephone calls will cease 10
minutes before each child’s usual bedtime.
2. Parent-Child Written Communications: Both parents and children shall
have the right to communicate in writing or by emailing (as available) during
reasonable hours.
F. Relocation of a Residence of a Child:
The relocation of a child’s residence in which s/he lives at least 150 days per
year is governed by RSA 461-A:12. In general, either parent may move the
child’s residence if it results in the parents living closer and if it will not affect the child’s school enrollment. Prior to relocating the child’s residence farther from the other parent or in such a way that school enrollment will be impacted, the parent
shall provide reasonable notice to the other parent. For purposes of this section,
60 days notice shall be presumed to be reasonable unless other factors are
found to be present. At the request of either parent, the court shall hold a hearing
on the relocation issue.
G. Procedure for Review and Adjustment of Parenting Plan:
Any agreed-on changes, on an as needed basis, shall be written down, signed by
both and filed with the court by DH. (Each should keep a copy.) Any
such agreements may not be revoked or changed without subsequent written
agreement by both parties. Any violations of written agreements filed with the
court will be considered contempt of this order.
H. Method(s) for Resolving Disputes:
In the future, if a parent requests to alter the parenting plan and the other parent
declines, it is the responsibility of the requesting parent to seek the help of a
neutral third party to assist them, and the requesting party is responsible for any
charges that may be incurred. Only if the parents are unable to work out the
disagreement after seeking third party assistance will they ask the court to decide
the issue. If necessary, upon request of either party, a mutually agreeable
neutral third party can assist with the visitation negotiation process. The
requesting party is responsible for any charges that may be incurred.
I. Other Parenting Agreements:
1. Contact between BM and DH will be by written
communication or voice mail messages, unless dealing with emergency
medical or flight rebookings due to a flight being cancelled by the airline.
Email communications for day to day issues will be acceptable.
2. Upon obtaining a driver’s license, the child(ren) will be listed as an
insured driver on BM’s insurance policy or she shall not allow the
child(ren) to operate a motor vehicle during her parenting time.
This summer, SS1 went to BM's for 1 week. SS2 went for 6 weeks (a far cry from the "whole summer" she demanded last year ; ) We have a feeling next year he will only go out for 4 weeks, he thought 6 weeks was too long - not surprising since his main activity was babysitting his sister day in and day out.
For the most part, the time the boys were there was uneventful for us. We did receive one call from the pediatrician letting us know that BM had called AGAIN about trying to get SS2's thyroid tested. Pediatrician let her know that if there were any concerns, she would discuss it with DH after SS2 got back. We had dropped off the order in her office before the boys left, so she was well aware that BM needed her approval for anything. By the way, since last summer's thyroid fiasco, SS2 gained only 3 pounds in a year and grew almost and inch and a half. He came back from 6 weeks with BM this summer 20 pounds heavier. Me thinks it has little to do with his thyroid. Get a clue.
Since this order has been in place, BM had violated several parts. What's it been, 4 months?
1) She had SS1 drive this summer, and he is not on her insurance.
2) She spent the whole first day of SS1's trip ranting about DH and everything from the past she could sqeeze in. SS1 finally told her it has nothing to with him and he didn't want to hear about it. I'm sure SS2 got an earful too, but he's under strict instructions not to discuss anything with us, though.
2) She and the boys used an illegal drug TOGETHER. See next post...
At the hearing, BM rambles on about the boys' phone again. She told the judge the phone was on my computer. Huh? DH explained the boys' have their own hand held Skype phone with their own voice mail. Marital Master asked DH if he would be willing to tell the boys to call BM if she hasn't heard from them in a week. DH said no problem, but it is not in the order.
This parenting plan is: Proposed by DH and BM
This parenting plan is: Changing a prior final parenting plan or a prior final
custody/visitation order.
This parenting plan is for the following children born to the parties:
SS1, SS2
A. Decision-Making Responsibility:
1. Major Decisions: Both parents maintain joint
decision making responsibility and share in the responsibility for making
major decisions about the children.
2. Day-to-Day Decisions: Each parent shall make day-to day decisions for
the children during the time he/she is caring for the children. In “life threatening”
emergency decisions affecting the health or safety of the
children, the parent who makes the decision will notify the other parent
within 3 hours of the emergency, with a description of the incident,
treatment center name and phone number, and confirmation that
insurance information has been provided to the treatment center. All non
life threatening medical treatment must have prior approval of the child’s
primary care physician in the primary residence location.
B. Residential Responsibility & Parenting Schedule:
1. Routine Schedule: DH will continue to be the primary
residential parent. The children shall negotiate their own visitation
schedule, including no less than two visitations per year with their mother,
BM.
2. Holiday and Birthday Planning: No holiday and birthday schedule shall
apply. The routine schedule set forth above shall apply.
3. Three-day weekends: No three-day weekend schedule shall apply. The
routine schedule set forth above shall apply.
4. Vacation Schedule: No vacation schedule shall apply. The routine
schedule set forth above shall apply.
5. Supervised Parenting Time: Not Applicable
6. Other Parental Responsibilities: Each parent shall promote a healthy,
beneficial relationship between the child(ren) and the other parent and
shall not demean or speak out negatively in any manner that would
damage the relationship between either parent and the child(ren). Neither
parent shall permit the child(ren) to be subjected to persons abusing
alcohol or using illegal drugs. This includes the abuse of alcohol or the
use of illegal drugs by the parent.
C. Legal Residence of a Child for School Attendance:
The children shall attend school in the school district where the parent with
primary residential responsibility resides. Under this plan, that parent is DH.
D. Transportation and Exchange of the Children:
All parties shall receive notification of travel dates no less than 45 days prior to
the beginning of the visitation period. DH will be financially
responsible for 2 visitations per child per year. Once travel arrangements are made, there will be no changes in departure/return dates or destinations. Only flights cancelled by the airline will be rebooked by the purchasing party.
E. Information Sharing and Access, Including Telephone and Electronic Access:
Both parents have equal rights to inspect and receive the child(ren)’s school
records, and both parents are encouraged to consult with school staff concerning
the child(ren)’s welfare and education. Both parents are encouraged to
participate in and attend the child(ren)’s school events.
Both parents have equal rights to inspect and receive governmental agency and
law enforcement records concerning the child(ren).
Both parents have equal rights to consult with any person who may provide care
or treatment for the child(ren) and to inspect and receive the child(ren)’s medical,
dental or psychological records, subject to other statutory restrictions.
Each parent has a continuing responsibility to provide a residential, mailing, or
contact address and contact telephone number to the other parent.
1. Parent-Child Telephone Contact: The children shall be given privacy
during their conversations with either parent. The children are at an age that
they can decide the frequency of initiating phone contact and returning phone
calls. While in the care of DH, the children are provided their own
telephone and telephone line, with voicemail for BM to access. While in
the care of BM, a call will be made by DH to her phone once
a week to speak to the children, with the children being able to determine
frequency of any other calls. On school nights, telephone calls will cease 10
minutes before each child’s usual bedtime.
2. Parent-Child Written Communications: Both parents and children shall
have the right to communicate in writing or by emailing (as available) during
reasonable hours.
F. Relocation of a Residence of a Child:
The relocation of a child’s residence in which s/he lives at least 150 days per
year is governed by RSA 461-A:12. In general, either parent may move the
child’s residence if it results in the parents living closer and if it will not affect the child’s school enrollment. Prior to relocating the child’s residence farther from the other parent or in such a way that school enrollment will be impacted, the parent
shall provide reasonable notice to the other parent. For purposes of this section,
60 days notice shall be presumed to be reasonable unless other factors are
found to be present. At the request of either parent, the court shall hold a hearing
on the relocation issue.
G. Procedure for Review and Adjustment of Parenting Plan:
Any agreed-on changes, on an as needed basis, shall be written down, signed by
both and filed with the court by DH. (Each should keep a copy.) Any
such agreements may not be revoked or changed without subsequent written
agreement by both parties. Any violations of written agreements filed with the
court will be considered contempt of this order.
H. Method(s) for Resolving Disputes:
In the future, if a parent requests to alter the parenting plan and the other parent
declines, it is the responsibility of the requesting parent to seek the help of a
neutral third party to assist them, and the requesting party is responsible for any
charges that may be incurred. Only if the parents are unable to work out the
disagreement after seeking third party assistance will they ask the court to decide
the issue. If necessary, upon request of either party, a mutually agreeable
neutral third party can assist with the visitation negotiation process. The
requesting party is responsible for any charges that may be incurred.
I. Other Parenting Agreements:
1. Contact between BM and DH will be by written
communication or voice mail messages, unless dealing with emergency
medical or flight rebookings due to a flight being cancelled by the airline.
Email communications for day to day issues will be acceptable.
2. Upon obtaining a driver’s license, the child(ren) will be listed as an
insured driver on BM’s insurance policy or she shall not allow the
child(ren) to operate a motor vehicle during her parenting time.
This summer, SS1 went to BM's for 1 week. SS2 went for 6 weeks (a far cry from the "whole summer" she demanded last year ; ) We have a feeling next year he will only go out for 4 weeks, he thought 6 weeks was too long - not surprising since his main activity was babysitting his sister day in and day out.
For the most part, the time the boys were there was uneventful for us. We did receive one call from the pediatrician letting us know that BM had called AGAIN about trying to get SS2's thyroid tested. Pediatrician let her know that if there were any concerns, she would discuss it with DH after SS2 got back. We had dropped off the order in her office before the boys left, so she was well aware that BM needed her approval for anything. By the way, since last summer's thyroid fiasco, SS2 gained only 3 pounds in a year and grew almost and inch and a half. He came back from 6 weeks with BM this summer 20 pounds heavier. Me thinks it has little to do with his thyroid. Get a clue.
Since this order has been in place, BM had violated several parts. What's it been, 4 months?
1) She had SS1 drive this summer, and he is not on her insurance.
2) She spent the whole first day of SS1's trip ranting about DH and everything from the past she could sqeeze in. SS1 finally told her it has nothing to with him and he didn't want to hear about it. I'm sure SS2 got an earful too, but he's under strict instructions not to discuss anything with us, though.
2) She and the boys used an illegal drug TOGETHER. See next post...
Anyone seen my drugs?
So, in addition to the info about the disorderly conduct arrest, there were a few other interesting police reports. The police had been called a couple times to deal with prescription drug issues. One call must have been made by a neighbor because BM was mid-rant when the cop showed up. Perpetual Fiance was extremely calm, as the officer made a point of mentioning how calm he was and how out of control BM was. She was ranting about Perpetual Fiance flushing her prescription meds down the toilet.
The other call was BM reporting that Perpetual Fiance had stolen her medicine a few months apart from the other incident. This officer actually called her Dr. about it. Guess what the Dr. said. He's not surprised, that this is not the first time BM has told him stories about things happening to her prescriptions.
Guess what the police did? Nada.
Now we know that BM's parents have already tried to detox her a couple times because they told us. We suspect she has multiple doctors with multiple prescriptions, and they don't know about each other. Pain killers are her passion. When the boys were younger, they would comment about how one whole cabinet in the kitchen was filled with orange bottles. BM conveniently made a point of telling DH before Christmas that Perpetual Fiance would not be around during the boys' time out there, as he was trying to get off prescription drugs and she couldn't handle having him around (she told the boys he was looking for a job in another state). Now that is calling the kettle black. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if Perpetual Fiance HAD to drug himself to get through a day with her. But make no mistake about it, BM is the addict. Can you say projection? DH and I think things were not going well between BM and Perpetual Fiance, and she made some kind of deal with him that if he would get lost for a week or so, she'd (fill in the blank with any unkept promise). She could not afford to have an incident while the boys were there as we were mid-case in court. She could sleep the days away and no one would be on her case. SS1 and SS2 spent a lot of time playing with their sister outside when BM wasn't "feeling" good. You get the picture.
And what do you know - a couple days after the boys left, Perpetual Fiance was back. Surprise, Surprise.
The other call was BM reporting that Perpetual Fiance had stolen her medicine a few months apart from the other incident. This officer actually called her Dr. about it. Guess what the Dr. said. He's not surprised, that this is not the first time BM has told him stories about things happening to her prescriptions.
Guess what the police did? Nada.
Now we know that BM's parents have already tried to detox her a couple times because they told us. We suspect she has multiple doctors with multiple prescriptions, and they don't know about each other. Pain killers are her passion. When the boys were younger, they would comment about how one whole cabinet in the kitchen was filled with orange bottles. BM conveniently made a point of telling DH before Christmas that Perpetual Fiance would not be around during the boys' time out there, as he was trying to get off prescription drugs and she couldn't handle having him around (she told the boys he was looking for a job in another state). Now that is calling the kettle black. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if Perpetual Fiance HAD to drug himself to get through a day with her. But make no mistake about it, BM is the addict. Can you say projection? DH and I think things were not going well between BM and Perpetual Fiance, and she made some kind of deal with him that if he would get lost for a week or so, she'd (fill in the blank with any unkept promise). She could not afford to have an incident while the boys were there as we were mid-case in court. She could sleep the days away and no one would be on her case. SS1 and SS2 spent a lot of time playing with their sister outside when BM wasn't "feeling" good. You get the picture.
And what do you know - a couple days after the boys left, Perpetual Fiance was back. Surprise, Surprise.
Disorderly Conduct
After pre-trial, some information came light that we needed to investigate. Apparently Perpetual Fiance had been arrested and charged with Disorderly Conduct. We frequently check the state's online court records databases for whichever state BM happens to be living in at the moment. Only found things a few times, but lo and behold, we had a hit again this spring. We called the local police dept to get the police report from the incident, and come to find out, there have been several calls to BM's address since she has been in this state. So we requested copies of all of them. The only one we could not get was the one regarding the disorderly conduct, as it was still an open case. So we fired off a letter to the judge in the case, letting him know that there were minor children that visited the home and that DH had concerns about their safety, that we were unable to get a report from the police, and would his Honor be willing to release the info to DH. A couple weeks later, we get a letter from the judge, along with copies of the charges and description about what happened. The funny part was, the judge cc'd Perpetual Fiance and the DA, which of course is only proper. Not surprisingly, once BM found out we found out about what was going on in the house, settlement came very quickly!
According to the report, Perpetual Fiance had gone out to have some drinks, apparently stayed out past his "curfew", BM starts arguing with him when he gets home and threatens to call the police (which is her first line of attack when she doesn't get what she wants). Perpetual Fiance grabbed the phone from her, BM claims he hit her in the face, and then she proceeds to actually call the cops on him. The officer was very explicit about the fact that SS1 and SS2's 8 year old sister was hysterical when the officer arrived and had heard the whole argument. Perpetual Fiance arrested (in the state they live in, if the police come out to your house for a disturbance, someone MUST go to jail). The report was taken in the wee hours of the morning, I wouldn't doubt on a school night. I'm sure SS1 and SS2's sister had a great day at school the next day. Not surprisingly, once BM made her point (don't you dare do anything I disapprove of or I will make you pay), she tried to have the charges dropped, but, alas, that just wasn't in the cards. Perpetual Fiance had to go to court, they put the case on file, which means as long as he does his "Anger Management" and stays out of trouble for a year, the charges go away.
Of course, we have no idea what really happened that night, but from our experiences and more specifically DH's experiences with her, we have a pretty good guess. Perpetual Fiance had had enough of her shit, went out with some friends, came home too late for her liking, she laid in on him and threatened this and that, and then when he DARED to pull the phone away from her because she was over-reacting, her lesson teaching instincts went into overdrive. What is stupid about the whole situation is that 1) she should have been the one spending the night in jail, 2) Perpetual Fiance is an adult and can go out and have a few drinks whenever he wants to, 3) and Mommy of the Year awards typically do not go out to mothers of 8 year olds up in the wee hours of the morning being subjected to their mother's tirades.
Regardless...it was clear that nothing bad enough happened to make any difference with the boys' trips out there.
According to the report, Perpetual Fiance had gone out to have some drinks, apparently stayed out past his "curfew", BM starts arguing with him when he gets home and threatens to call the police (which is her first line of attack when she doesn't get what she wants). Perpetual Fiance grabbed the phone from her, BM claims he hit her in the face, and then she proceeds to actually call the cops on him. The officer was very explicit about the fact that SS1 and SS2's 8 year old sister was hysterical when the officer arrived and had heard the whole argument. Perpetual Fiance arrested (in the state they live in, if the police come out to your house for a disturbance, someone MUST go to jail). The report was taken in the wee hours of the morning, I wouldn't doubt on a school night. I'm sure SS1 and SS2's sister had a great day at school the next day. Not surprisingly, once BM made her point (don't you dare do anything I disapprove of or I will make you pay), she tried to have the charges dropped, but, alas, that just wasn't in the cards. Perpetual Fiance had to go to court, they put the case on file, which means as long as he does his "Anger Management" and stays out of trouble for a year, the charges go away.
Of course, we have no idea what really happened that night, but from our experiences and more specifically DH's experiences with her, we have a pretty good guess. Perpetual Fiance had had enough of her shit, went out with some friends, came home too late for her liking, she laid in on him and threatened this and that, and then when he DARED to pull the phone away from her because she was over-reacting, her lesson teaching instincts went into overdrive. What is stupid about the whole situation is that 1) she should have been the one spending the night in jail, 2) Perpetual Fiance is an adult and can go out and have a few drinks whenever he wants to, 3) and Mommy of the Year awards typically do not go out to mothers of 8 year olds up in the wee hours of the morning being subjected to their mother's tirades.
Regardless...it was clear that nothing bad enough happened to make any difference with the boys' trips out there.
Catching up...
Well, time has just flown by - unfortunately, life has gotten into the way of blogging about life, things have settled a bit, so I'm going to attempt to reconstruct the last 6 months or so.
Shortly after my last blog post in March, a close friend of SS1 committed suicide. SS1 had just been sitting with her on the bus ride home that day, and about 10 pm that evening, some of his friends drove over to tell him the news. We didn't see SS1 for about a week straight - all the kids took the week off of school until the memorial service and spent time together at the family's house. We live in a small town, and everything basically stopped for the close circle of friends. The next week after the memorial, when SS1 began to try to get into his routine, it became quite obvious that he was having a very difficult time. He ranted, he exploded, he went on and on about BM and the crappy things she has done, he pushed and pushed at DH and I, he wanted nothing to do with his brother, school, or hobbies he had previously enjoyed. He had counseling at school, we took him to his regular counselor, and even a month later, he was still struggling. His grades took a nose dive (he ended up failing one class that trimester), he sulked, answered questions in one word sentences, obsessed over pictures he had of his friend. Every time we would see the smallest glimmer of his old personality, it was gone. It was a long few months. Thankfully school let out in June, and summer was a welcome reprieve from trying to get SS1 to do ANYTHING. He worked a few odd jobs here and there, but other than that, he just hung out with his friends. Slowly, he seemed to be getting a grip, he would go for several days in a row without mentioning his friend, now he goes a couple weeks. He started going swimming, riding his 4 wheeler, joking with his brother. Things are much better now, he clearly still misses his friend, but he seems to have accepted that his life should go on, and that it is not disrespecting her memory to go and have a good time. What a sad, sad spring we had.
Shortly after my last blog post in March, a close friend of SS1 committed suicide. SS1 had just been sitting with her on the bus ride home that day, and about 10 pm that evening, some of his friends drove over to tell him the news. We didn't see SS1 for about a week straight - all the kids took the week off of school until the memorial service and spent time together at the family's house. We live in a small town, and everything basically stopped for the close circle of friends. The next week after the memorial, when SS1 began to try to get into his routine, it became quite obvious that he was having a very difficult time. He ranted, he exploded, he went on and on about BM and the crappy things she has done, he pushed and pushed at DH and I, he wanted nothing to do with his brother, school, or hobbies he had previously enjoyed. He had counseling at school, we took him to his regular counselor, and even a month later, he was still struggling. His grades took a nose dive (he ended up failing one class that trimester), he sulked, answered questions in one word sentences, obsessed over pictures he had of his friend. Every time we would see the smallest glimmer of his old personality, it was gone. It was a long few months. Thankfully school let out in June, and summer was a welcome reprieve from trying to get SS1 to do ANYTHING. He worked a few odd jobs here and there, but other than that, he just hung out with his friends. Slowly, he seemed to be getting a grip, he would go for several days in a row without mentioning his friend, now he goes a couple weeks. He started going swimming, riding his 4 wheeler, joking with his brother. Things are much better now, he clearly still misses his friend, but he seems to have accepted that his life should go on, and that it is not disrespecting her memory to go and have a good time. What a sad, sad spring we had.
March 30, 2009
Heh...my Perpetual Fiance wants to talk to you...
After a few minutes of talking about it, DH and I think that it wasn't BM's father that ranted to our attorney today. We think it was BM's boyfriend, otherwise known as Perpetual Fiance.
1. Yelling on the phone is very OUT OF character for BM's father.
2. Yelling on the phone is very IN character for Perpetual Fiance.
What we are still pondering is if our attorney misheard and the caller said he was SS1 and SS2's SISTER's father, or if he just flat out claimed to be BM's father.
Isn't it amazing how a simple act of attending a hearing can be filled with so much drama, mystery and chaos????? How do we all get through our days living so normally?
1. Yelling on the phone is very OUT OF character for BM's father.
2. Yelling on the phone is very IN character for Perpetual Fiance.
What we are still pondering is if our attorney misheard and the caller said he was SS1 and SS2's SISTER's father, or if he just flat out claimed to be BM's father.
Isn't it amazing how a simple act of attending a hearing can be filled with so much drama, mystery and chaos????? How do we all get through our days living so normally?
My daddy needs to talk to you...
Alrighty then, today we had our pretrial hearing. Before I go into the comical events of the day, I'll update you on the GAL's report.
GAL Report:
The GAL's report was short and sweet, as he mostly addressed only the visitation issues. SS1 wants Christmas and only two weeks in the summer at BM's. SS2 wants Christmas, April vacation and all of summer. Ironically, about 1 1/2 weeks before we get the GAL report, SS2 informs us that he wants to play golf next year (his freshman year in high school). Guess what? Practice starts two weeks before school starts. When we got the GAL report we explained to him that he already had his opportunity to let the GAL know what he wanted and he apparently did not make it clear enough, so it was up to him to get his mother to agree, and that we would not be making any efforts with BM to make that happen for him.
Regarding our petition for sole decision-making based on the medical issues of last summer, the GAL merely recommended that any medical issues be addressed with the boys' primary care physician. This is a step in the right direction, but we are going to ask that the order specifically states that BM needs to notify DH in advance, as it should not be up to the physician to do BM's parenting for her.
Pre-Trial hearing:
So we get to the courthouse and are in the waiting room with the GAL and our attorney. The family court is in the process of moving, so we were kind of curious how this was all going to pan out since they had already removed the phones to the new building (BM always appears via telephone because of her "illnesses". The lucky body part of the day today was her pancreas - new one, she hadn't gone there yet!) Lo and behold, someone from the Superior Court stopped by our table and let our attorney know she was on the phone. But when our attorney got there, it was actually her FATHER! He went on this tirade about how messed up the family court was. Our attorney came back chuckling and told us what happened. About 10 minutes later, another woman from the Superior Court office came over and said BM was now on the phone. Attorney goes to talk to her and record her pretrial statement. No official hearing - never even saw the marital master.
What happens now, you ask?
BM told attorney that she was done, ready to settle. She stated that SS2 will be coming to see her in April. What she doesn't realize is that the April vacation was only recommended by the GAL - it is not officially ordered. So if she doesn't settle by the end of this week, it is highly unlikely that SS2 will be coming out for April.
While we were sitting with the GAL and our attorney, the GAL suggested the same thing we suggested to BM back in January, which was that each of the boys meet with a third party (we had suggested their counselor, but our GAL volunteered to be the third party today) to express their wishes for each vacation time, the GAL would determine the dates, ask BM if she wanted the kids on those dates - yes or no, the flights would be made, and there would be no changes. DH and I are all on board with that! We have no problem with the GAL getting a first hand experience trying to make arrangements with BM.
So, she either agrees with this new old plan ASAP, or we go to final hearing, which would be set for about 30 days from now, well after April vacation.
I can't believe she had her father call the courthouse! Makes us think she may be back living with her parents in FormerHomeState, though. It seems unusual that he would call unless she was right in front of him pitching a fit. We'll find out if she doesn't pick up the paperwork at the current address she has on file with the court! When we were leaving, we apologized to our attorney for having to listen to the BS from BM's father, and let him know, unfortunately, BM's dad is the mellow one! Attorney shook his head, rolled his eyes and laughed.
He really has no idea!
GAL Report:
The GAL's report was short and sweet, as he mostly addressed only the visitation issues. SS1 wants Christmas and only two weeks in the summer at BM's. SS2 wants Christmas, April vacation and all of summer. Ironically, about 1 1/2 weeks before we get the GAL report, SS2 informs us that he wants to play golf next year (his freshman year in high school). Guess what? Practice starts two weeks before school starts. When we got the GAL report we explained to him that he already had his opportunity to let the GAL know what he wanted and he apparently did not make it clear enough, so it was up to him to get his mother to agree, and that we would not be making any efforts with BM to make that happen for him.
Regarding our petition for sole decision-making based on the medical issues of last summer, the GAL merely recommended that any medical issues be addressed with the boys' primary care physician. This is a step in the right direction, but we are going to ask that the order specifically states that BM needs to notify DH in advance, as it should not be up to the physician to do BM's parenting for her.
Pre-Trial hearing:
So we get to the courthouse and are in the waiting room with the GAL and our attorney. The family court is in the process of moving, so we were kind of curious how this was all going to pan out since they had already removed the phones to the new building (BM always appears via telephone because of her "illnesses". The lucky body part of the day today was her pancreas - new one, she hadn't gone there yet!) Lo and behold, someone from the Superior Court stopped by our table and let our attorney know she was on the phone. But when our attorney got there, it was actually her FATHER! He went on this tirade about how messed up the family court was. Our attorney came back chuckling and told us what happened. About 10 minutes later, another woman from the Superior Court office came over and said BM was now on the phone. Attorney goes to talk to her and record her pretrial statement. No official hearing - never even saw the marital master.
What happens now, you ask?
BM told attorney that she was done, ready to settle. She stated that SS2 will be coming to see her in April. What she doesn't realize is that the April vacation was only recommended by the GAL - it is not officially ordered. So if she doesn't settle by the end of this week, it is highly unlikely that SS2 will be coming out for April.
While we were sitting with the GAL and our attorney, the GAL suggested the same thing we suggested to BM back in January, which was that each of the boys meet with a third party (we had suggested their counselor, but our GAL volunteered to be the third party today) to express their wishes for each vacation time, the GAL would determine the dates, ask BM if she wanted the kids on those dates - yes or no, the flights would be made, and there would be no changes. DH and I are all on board with that! We have no problem with the GAL getting a first hand experience trying to make arrangements with BM.
So, she either agrees with this new old plan ASAP, or we go to final hearing, which would be set for about 30 days from now, well after April vacation.
I can't believe she had her father call the courthouse! Makes us think she may be back living with her parents in FormerHomeState, though. It seems unusual that he would call unless she was right in front of him pitching a fit. We'll find out if she doesn't pick up the paperwork at the current address she has on file with the court! When we were leaving, we apologized to our attorney for having to listen to the BS from BM's father, and let him know, unfortunately, BM's dad is the mellow one! Attorney shook his head, rolled his eyes and laughed.
He really has no idea!
March 1, 2009
Sorry it has been so long...
Jeez, time flies! I have been thoroughly enamored with Mister M's new forum, www.thepsychoexwife.com/forums/, plus I haven't been wanting to post any info that is still in the works, just in case.
Here's what I can update so far (more to come at the beginning of April)...
Winter Break - BM finally emailed us the info needed for the airline - big surprise, she hasn't even changed her Driver's License yet (it is still from FormerHomeState, even though she has been living in her new state for almost a year). The engine for our car died when we were en route to the airport, so we had 5 of us crammed into a friends Jeep Wrangler to get to the rental place where we rented a car to get them the rest of the way to the airport. The boys took off as scheduled - whew! The flight back had to be changed because BM refused to drive in a couple inches of snow, but it worked out well in the end since the boys were supposed to come back on different days, so with the rescheduling we got them both back on the same day. There was some concern about whether their flight would be canceled, not because of weather at BM's location, but because of weather at ours. But thankfully the flight took off, slightly delayed. Of course we had to drive in a snowstorm that dropped 9 inches in order to get them at the airport, but whatever! At least they were home. The first thing both of them said when they got off the plane was how BM had taken their Christmas money which her parents had sent them and used it to pay her rent. Lovely!
Court Proceedings - right before the boys were to leave, BM contacted DH saying she wanted to see if they could come to some sort of agreement. She stated that she was fine with DH having sole decision-making, but that she wanted the boys to be able to decide when to come see her on their vacations (she has it in her head that the boys should be with her for EVERY vacation period, for the whole time, essentially giving them zero time to vacation with us or spend non-school time with their friends). DH responded that he would prefer to wait to see how the winter break vacation went first before discussing it with her. After the boys got back, DH proposed that the boys would meet with him, her and their counselor before each break and a decision would be made between them as to where the boys would be for that break. She would get what she wanted, which was the potential for the boys to spend every vacation with her if they wanted, and we would know the boys would be accountable for what they were telling each of us about where they want to spend their time. Win, win - you'd think? Well, she got completely paranoid, and said she wanted a comment put in the order that DH would not pay the boys their airfare money to not see her. WTF? We realized at that point that there would never be any agreement good enough for her, and we certainly weren't going to encourage her paranoia, so DH responded back and simply told her that he was concerned with her paranoia and that he felt it would be better to have a third party involved (the GAL). So we have continued on with the GAL.
GAL - Our request for a new GAL was awarded, and the pretrial hearing was moved to the end of March to allow the new GAL time to get everything done. It took us over a month to get our $500 back from the uncertified GAL! So thankful the futures of our children are no longer in that woman's hands! We didn't tell the boys about the GAL until the day he came, SS1 was surprised, but SS2 didn't bat an eye, because BM had already been "working" him about it. Big surprise. The GAL had already spent a couple hours with us, and spent about an hour with each of the boys. After the March hearing, I'll be able to update you on the complete irony about the GAL and what his report will include - I can't wait!
Money - Since SS1's birthday in October, BM has been promising to send the boys money. In fact, she promised SS1 $500.00. Yeah, whatever! So ever since October we have had to listed to SS1's dreams of how he is spending the money. Ugghhh! So after Winter Break, and the boys realizing she needed their Christmas money to pay her rent, it seemed they had gotten over the illusion that she was sending any money. So about mid-January, BM started in on the sending money again. She told each of the boys she was sending them $200. So everyday they would ask, "Did the box come yet? Did the box come yet?" Week after week went by and no box. Again, big surprise. Excuse after excuse, and finally SS1 got fed up. He told her he was planning a snowmobile trip with some friends and that he needed the money by Monday (it was Friday night when he told her this). So she finally sends the money Western Union. The hysterical part is that there was no snowmobile trip! It was SS1's way to finally call her bluff and force her to follow through : ) Not that I'm proud of him for lying to her, but I'm glad all the years that they have learned manipulation from her, they are finally using it on her! Even funnier is the fact that they were calling BM about twice a week to find out the status of their "money box", but now that she has sent the money, they are totally blowing her off. She really only has the most superficial relationship with her kids.
So that is about all I can update on right now, but I'll post more early April to let you know what happened at the pretrial hearing.
Here's what I can update so far (more to come at the beginning of April)...
Winter Break - BM finally emailed us the info needed for the airline - big surprise, she hasn't even changed her Driver's License yet (it is still from FormerHomeState, even though she has been living in her new state for almost a year). The engine for our car died when we were en route to the airport, so we had 5 of us crammed into a friends Jeep Wrangler to get to the rental place where we rented a car to get them the rest of the way to the airport. The boys took off as scheduled - whew! The flight back had to be changed because BM refused to drive in a couple inches of snow, but it worked out well in the end since the boys were supposed to come back on different days, so with the rescheduling we got them both back on the same day. There was some concern about whether their flight would be canceled, not because of weather at BM's location, but because of weather at ours. But thankfully the flight took off, slightly delayed. Of course we had to drive in a snowstorm that dropped 9 inches in order to get them at the airport, but whatever! At least they were home. The first thing both of them said when they got off the plane was how BM had taken their Christmas money which her parents had sent them and used it to pay her rent. Lovely!
Court Proceedings - right before the boys were to leave, BM contacted DH saying she wanted to see if they could come to some sort of agreement. She stated that she was fine with DH having sole decision-making, but that she wanted the boys to be able to decide when to come see her on their vacations (she has it in her head that the boys should be with her for EVERY vacation period, for the whole time, essentially giving them zero time to vacation with us or spend non-school time with their friends). DH responded that he would prefer to wait to see how the winter break vacation went first before discussing it with her. After the boys got back, DH proposed that the boys would meet with him, her and their counselor before each break and a decision would be made between them as to where the boys would be for that break. She would get what she wanted, which was the potential for the boys to spend every vacation with her if they wanted, and we would know the boys would be accountable for what they were telling each of us about where they want to spend their time. Win, win - you'd think? Well, she got completely paranoid, and said she wanted a comment put in the order that DH would not pay the boys their airfare money to not see her. WTF? We realized at that point that there would never be any agreement good enough for her, and we certainly weren't going to encourage her paranoia, so DH responded back and simply told her that he was concerned with her paranoia and that he felt it would be better to have a third party involved (the GAL). So we have continued on with the GAL.
GAL - Our request for a new GAL was awarded, and the pretrial hearing was moved to the end of March to allow the new GAL time to get everything done. It took us over a month to get our $500 back from the uncertified GAL! So thankful the futures of our children are no longer in that woman's hands! We didn't tell the boys about the GAL until the day he came, SS1 was surprised, but SS2 didn't bat an eye, because BM had already been "working" him about it. Big surprise. The GAL had already spent a couple hours with us, and spent about an hour with each of the boys. After the March hearing, I'll be able to update you on the complete irony about the GAL and what his report will include - I can't wait!
Money - Since SS1's birthday in October, BM has been promising to send the boys money. In fact, she promised SS1 $500.00. Yeah, whatever! So ever since October we have had to listed to SS1's dreams of how he is spending the money. Ugghhh! So after Winter Break, and the boys realizing she needed their Christmas money to pay her rent, it seemed they had gotten over the illusion that she was sending any money. So about mid-January, BM started in on the sending money again. She told each of the boys she was sending them $200. So everyday they would ask, "Did the box come yet? Did the box come yet?" Week after week went by and no box. Again, big surprise. Excuse after excuse, and finally SS1 got fed up. He told her he was planning a snowmobile trip with some friends and that he needed the money by Monday (it was Friday night when he told her this). So she finally sends the money Western Union. The hysterical part is that there was no snowmobile trip! It was SS1's way to finally call her bluff and force her to follow through : ) Not that I'm proud of him for lying to her, but I'm glad all the years that they have learned manipulation from her, they are finally using it on her! Even funnier is the fact that they were calling BM about twice a week to find out the status of their "money box", but now that she has sent the money, they are totally blowing her off. She really only has the most superficial relationship with her kids.
So that is about all I can update on right now, but I'll post more early April to let you know what happened at the pretrial hearing.
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