Showing posts with label SS1. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SS1. Show all posts
November 8, 2009
You'd think she'd learn...
Does BM really think calling the kids to swear, scream, and threaten makes them have a stronger relationship? Clueless and out of control. The boys are so over it. Will she ever understand that she is damaging her relationship with her children herself?
September 30, 2009
Whip-it, whip-it good.
SS1's week trip was midway through SS2's 6 week trip. Shortly after we picked SS1 up from the airport, DH and SS1 took a road trip to visit DH's parents. DH called me from the road - he'd about had it. SS1 had spent 4 hours complaining about his trip. It would take hours to type up all of it, and almost all of it we can't do anything about anyway. However...
...DH starts asking me about whip-its. I'm like, what? He had no idea either, he just said SS1 was pissed about it. So on the internet I go. Ready for this?
Whip-its: using a whipped cream can to suck out the gas which dispenses the whipped cream to get high. In other words, HUFFING. We'd talked to the boys about huffing in the past, but in relation to chemicals like cleaning products or stuff you would find in a garage. But we hadn't even heard of using whipped cream containers.
When DH and SS1 got back from their trip a couple weeks later, we talked to SS1 about it some more. Apparently, SS1 asked BM why there were 8 empty whipped cream containers in her fridge. She then proceeds to tell the boys how cool it is, shows them how to do it, and tells them that her and Perpetual Fiance do it often. Then she tells them to try it. WTF?
As if that wasn't enough, she bought SS1 a pack of cigarettes!
After the shock of it all wore off, DH and I got some advice from several sources. We talked to a couple close friends - same reaction as ours. We talked to our local police chief, who had gotten to know SS1 very well right after his friend's suicide. He offered to come over to the house with the DARE officer to discuss the dangers with the boys, which they followed through on. Did you know you can die instantly from huffing? Of course, MOTY told the boys it was safe because it is the same gas they use at the dentist. Ummmm, I'm pretty sure dentists are licensed to administer that drug. I also posted on a message board I regularly frequent, and the responses were quite in line with what we were planning. After SS2 arrived home, we contacted CPS. Both boys told the investigator what had happened, and we stressed to the boys this was not about getting their mom in trouble, but protecting their sister. If SS1 was there a week and witnessed the huffing, imagine how often their sister sees it happening! She's 8. Even SS2 at 14 didn't realize how serious this is. DH and I would feel awful if we knew that was going on there and something tragic happened. Because we are in different states, the investigation is still ongoing, and of course the Friday before the Monday we talked to the investigator BM left a message on DH's phone saying they are moving back to FormerHomeState, and then moving to one of two other states. So she's on the move, and it may take a while for CPS to catch up to her.
She has not yet given us her new address, so the boys will not be making any trips anytime soon. We're sure she is expecting them at Christmas, but if the case is still open when it is time to make the travel arrangements (early November), we will be doing what we need to do in court to make sure they do not go. Our lawyer finds it very unlikely that the Marital Master would force a trip with an open case with CPS regarding drug use, especially since it is against our court order. Huffing is also against the law in BM's state where this happened, a misdemeanor to do it, a felony to supply chemicals to another to do it. She did both. If there is a CPS finding, criminal charges may follow shortly.
Or, things could go as they usually do when dealing with a PEW, everyone looks the other way...
...DH starts asking me about whip-its. I'm like, what? He had no idea either, he just said SS1 was pissed about it. So on the internet I go. Ready for this?
Whip-its: using a whipped cream can to suck out the gas which dispenses the whipped cream to get high. In other words, HUFFING. We'd talked to the boys about huffing in the past, but in relation to chemicals like cleaning products or stuff you would find in a garage. But we hadn't even heard of using whipped cream containers.
When DH and SS1 got back from their trip a couple weeks later, we talked to SS1 about it some more. Apparently, SS1 asked BM why there were 8 empty whipped cream containers in her fridge. She then proceeds to tell the boys how cool it is, shows them how to do it, and tells them that her and Perpetual Fiance do it often. Then she tells them to try it. WTF?
As if that wasn't enough, she bought SS1 a pack of cigarettes!
After the shock of it all wore off, DH and I got some advice from several sources. We talked to a couple close friends - same reaction as ours. We talked to our local police chief, who had gotten to know SS1 very well right after his friend's suicide. He offered to come over to the house with the DARE officer to discuss the dangers with the boys, which they followed through on. Did you know you can die instantly from huffing? Of course, MOTY told the boys it was safe because it is the same gas they use at the dentist. Ummmm, I'm pretty sure dentists are licensed to administer that drug. I also posted on a message board I regularly frequent, and the responses were quite in line with what we were planning. After SS2 arrived home, we contacted CPS. Both boys told the investigator what had happened, and we stressed to the boys this was not about getting their mom in trouble, but protecting their sister. If SS1 was there a week and witnessed the huffing, imagine how often their sister sees it happening! She's 8. Even SS2 at 14 didn't realize how serious this is. DH and I would feel awful if we knew that was going on there and something tragic happened. Because we are in different states, the investigation is still ongoing, and of course the Friday before the Monday we talked to the investigator BM left a message on DH's phone saying they are moving back to FormerHomeState, and then moving to one of two other states. So she's on the move, and it may take a while for CPS to catch up to her.
She has not yet given us her new address, so the boys will not be making any trips anytime soon. We're sure she is expecting them at Christmas, but if the case is still open when it is time to make the travel arrangements (early November), we will be doing what we need to do in court to make sure they do not go. Our lawyer finds it very unlikely that the Marital Master would force a trip with an open case with CPS regarding drug use, especially since it is against our court order. Huffing is also against the law in BM's state where this happened, a misdemeanor to do it, a felony to supply chemicals to another to do it. She did both. If there is a CPS finding, criminal charges may follow shortly.
Or, things could go as they usually do when dealing with a PEW, everyone looks the other way...
Catching up...
Well, time has just flown by - unfortunately, life has gotten into the way of blogging about life, things have settled a bit, so I'm going to attempt to reconstruct the last 6 months or so.
Shortly after my last blog post in March, a close friend of SS1 committed suicide. SS1 had just been sitting with her on the bus ride home that day, and about 10 pm that evening, some of his friends drove over to tell him the news. We didn't see SS1 for about a week straight - all the kids took the week off of school until the memorial service and spent time together at the family's house. We live in a small town, and everything basically stopped for the close circle of friends. The next week after the memorial, when SS1 began to try to get into his routine, it became quite obvious that he was having a very difficult time. He ranted, he exploded, he went on and on about BM and the crappy things she has done, he pushed and pushed at DH and I, he wanted nothing to do with his brother, school, or hobbies he had previously enjoyed. He had counseling at school, we took him to his regular counselor, and even a month later, he was still struggling. His grades took a nose dive (he ended up failing one class that trimester), he sulked, answered questions in one word sentences, obsessed over pictures he had of his friend. Every time we would see the smallest glimmer of his old personality, it was gone. It was a long few months. Thankfully school let out in June, and summer was a welcome reprieve from trying to get SS1 to do ANYTHING. He worked a few odd jobs here and there, but other than that, he just hung out with his friends. Slowly, he seemed to be getting a grip, he would go for several days in a row without mentioning his friend, now he goes a couple weeks. He started going swimming, riding his 4 wheeler, joking with his brother. Things are much better now, he clearly still misses his friend, but he seems to have accepted that his life should go on, and that it is not disrespecting her memory to go and have a good time. What a sad, sad spring we had.
Shortly after my last blog post in March, a close friend of SS1 committed suicide. SS1 had just been sitting with her on the bus ride home that day, and about 10 pm that evening, some of his friends drove over to tell him the news. We didn't see SS1 for about a week straight - all the kids took the week off of school until the memorial service and spent time together at the family's house. We live in a small town, and everything basically stopped for the close circle of friends. The next week after the memorial, when SS1 began to try to get into his routine, it became quite obvious that he was having a very difficult time. He ranted, he exploded, he went on and on about BM and the crappy things she has done, he pushed and pushed at DH and I, he wanted nothing to do with his brother, school, or hobbies he had previously enjoyed. He had counseling at school, we took him to his regular counselor, and even a month later, he was still struggling. His grades took a nose dive (he ended up failing one class that trimester), he sulked, answered questions in one word sentences, obsessed over pictures he had of his friend. Every time we would see the smallest glimmer of his old personality, it was gone. It was a long few months. Thankfully school let out in June, and summer was a welcome reprieve from trying to get SS1 to do ANYTHING. He worked a few odd jobs here and there, but other than that, he just hung out with his friends. Slowly, he seemed to be getting a grip, he would go for several days in a row without mentioning his friend, now he goes a couple weeks. He started going swimming, riding his 4 wheeler, joking with his brother. Things are much better now, he clearly still misses his friend, but he seems to have accepted that his life should go on, and that it is not disrespecting her memory to go and have a good time. What a sad, sad spring we had.
August 2, 2008
Incessant Phone Calls
Since the 27th, we have gotten an almost daily barrage of phone calls from BM. I'll just bullet the general idea to save me the agony of having to listen to them word for word again.
* SS2 calls to find out when he is leaving. We did not call him back. (Read: BM made SS2 get on phone and call us since we didn't call her back and she hadn't received our letter yet.)
* BM: she will be going down and we either change his flight or he is not coming back (yes, she actually said it) and she will have DH arrested for not sending SS1 (funny how it took her 5 weeks to be concerned with the fact that he didn't come down), DH is selfish, SS2 is sitting right there, SS2 has read DH's letter, and DH can call SS2 and tell him he can't visit his grandparents (we never said he couldn't, he just needs to be back at the pre-arranged time).
* BM: (In a classic case of BM psychiatric chaos, she has discovered how to use her not getting her way as a bonus for her. The previous phone call, just over one hour before this one, was screaming, high pitched babble. This phone call was calm, almost gleeful, with an air of arrogance. It is like you can almost see her brain forming her alternate reality right before your eyes.) She is going back to what we agreed, SS2 can now see what we are like and what she has had to deal with for years, he is witnessing everything, this is a blessing in disguise, we're hurting him, and maybe this way, we'll have time to squeeze in his medical appointment before school starts, since SS2 had to come to her with all his medical concerns.
*BM: calls to inform us that she got the letter about us taking SS2 to the Dr. for a physical shortly after he gets back and that DH will discuss BM's concerns with the Dr. She states "that was all she wanted."
*BM: calls with a litany of family history of thyroid issues, something about some radiation cocktail, her parents want to pay to have SS2's ticket changed, and if we could find it "in our heart" to change the reservation, we are making a big deal out of it, she would never do this if it a medical emergency happened to DH's parents.
*SS1 flew to Former Home State to see both sets of grandparents. While he was with her parents, they of course forced him to talk to BM on the phone. She started bribing with all the things they would do at Christmastime, and SS1 said he didn't think he would be coming at Christmas. On came her tears, her father took the phone from SS1 and said to BM, "Maybe he'll change his mind by Christmas" and winked at SS1. They go to the movies and get a call that BM had to go to the emergency room because she passed out putting a tape in the VCR. SS1 is so disappointed that his time with his grandparents was interrupted by her drama. (Note: BM's father is working, going to the movies, and not having a medical emergency. Surprise, surprise!)
*BM: calls to state that she knows DH's signature and I forged one of the letters we sent her, and that is against the law. (What is really funny is that he did sign it! I think she thinks it was mailed after DH went to Former Home State this week. What a dumb ass!)
*BM: calls to insist that she have the phone number for SS2's Dr. here so she can talk to the Dr. herself. And we better get her the number in a couple days, or else.
So, as of right now, looks like SS2 is coming back on time. Until her brain takes a sharp turn to the right again, anyway. I'm calling Monday to get in to see the Dr. so we can give her all our documentation and give her a heads up about BM calling before we send BM the number. We are also going to get the ER report and hopefully our letter to the ER doc in SS2's medical file and another letter requesting that DH be informed of any appointments made for SS2, so if she calls for his records, that info will go with. We are also going to try to get SS2's Dr. to call the ER Dr. and find out what we asked for in the letter, since we still have had no response from him. We'll see how it goes!
* SS2 calls to find out when he is leaving. We did not call him back. (Read: BM made SS2 get on phone and call us since we didn't call her back and she hadn't received our letter yet.)
* BM: she will be going down and we either change his flight or he is not coming back (yes, she actually said it) and she will have DH arrested for not sending SS1 (funny how it took her 5 weeks to be concerned with the fact that he didn't come down), DH is selfish, SS2 is sitting right there, SS2 has read DH's letter, and DH can call SS2 and tell him he can't visit his grandparents (we never said he couldn't, he just needs to be back at the pre-arranged time).
* BM: (In a classic case of BM psychiatric chaos, she has discovered how to use her not getting her way as a bonus for her. The previous phone call, just over one hour before this one, was screaming, high pitched babble. This phone call was calm, almost gleeful, with an air of arrogance. It is like you can almost see her brain forming her alternate reality right before your eyes.) She is going back to what we agreed, SS2 can now see what we are like and what she has had to deal with for years, he is witnessing everything, this is a blessing in disguise, we're hurting him, and maybe this way, we'll have time to squeeze in his medical appointment before school starts, since SS2 had to come to her with all his medical concerns.
*BM: calls to inform us that she got the letter about us taking SS2 to the Dr. for a physical shortly after he gets back and that DH will discuss BM's concerns with the Dr. She states "that was all she wanted."
*BM: calls with a litany of family history of thyroid issues, something about some radiation cocktail, her parents want to pay to have SS2's ticket changed, and if we could find it "in our heart" to change the reservation, we are making a big deal out of it, she would never do this if it a medical emergency happened to DH's parents.
*SS1 flew to Former Home State to see both sets of grandparents. While he was with her parents, they of course forced him to talk to BM on the phone. She started bribing with all the things they would do at Christmastime, and SS1 said he didn't think he would be coming at Christmas. On came her tears, her father took the phone from SS1 and said to BM, "Maybe he'll change his mind by Christmas" and winked at SS1. They go to the movies and get a call that BM had to go to the emergency room because she passed out putting a tape in the VCR. SS1 is so disappointed that his time with his grandparents was interrupted by her drama. (Note: BM's father is working, going to the movies, and not having a medical emergency. Surprise, surprise!)
*BM: calls to state that she knows DH's signature and I forged one of the letters we sent her, and that is against the law. (What is really funny is that he did sign it! I think she thinks it was mailed after DH went to Former Home State this week. What a dumb ass!)
*BM: calls to insist that she have the phone number for SS2's Dr. here so she can talk to the Dr. herself. And we better get her the number in a couple days, or else.
So, as of right now, looks like SS2 is coming back on time. Until her brain takes a sharp turn to the right again, anyway. I'm calling Monday to get in to see the Dr. so we can give her all our documentation and give her a heads up about BM calling before we send BM the number. We are also going to get the ER report and hopefully our letter to the ER doc in SS2's medical file and another letter requesting that DH be informed of any appointments made for SS2, so if she calls for his records, that info will go with. We are also going to try to get SS2's Dr. to call the ER Dr. and find out what we asked for in the letter, since we still have had no response from him. We'll see how it goes!
July 27, 2008
Flight Issues
So now she is leaving messages saying that she is driving from Her Current Home State to Our Former Home State with SS2 to see her parents, and that we must change SS2's flight to leave from that state instead.
She has known all summer what his reservation was and she agreed to it. Never did she say he would be leaving from a different state. She also did not plan this trip until she found out SS1 (who has spent the summer with us) was going down to visit her parents in a couple weeks. She is trying to get SS1 cornered at her parents' house. Unbelievable!
When SS1 found this out, he said he only wanted to visit DH's parents instead if BM was going to be at her parents, but we decided he should be able to see them, so he is flying down early instead. We discussed with SS1 that this was exactly why we don't typically tell them about plans such as this, because they blab to the Grandparents and then BM finds some way to screw everything up. He had bugged the crap out of us about seeing his Grandfather, and we knew he was feeling bad about not getting to see his sister, and we really though he had wised up enough to keep his trap shut. His response was "But I didn't think she would drive all the way down to do that." Hello, your own mother called the police on you for acting like a teenager and you didn't think she could pull this off? Wake the @$#*%! up!
DH tried to ask her to just leave a few days early so she could be back in time to get him on the scheduled flight, but she said she "had plans" and wasn't changing her plans. Hello, what about the plans she had with us first? She then starting laying into DH about the whole Spring Break thing, so he hung up. Unfortunately we were talking to SS2 before she got on the phone. SS2 called back about 10 minutes later, and can you believe this, starting apologizing to us, saying, "I didn't know she was going to get like that." Wake the @$#*%! up!
DH told him there was nothing to apologize to us for and to just do what he had to do to have a good rest of his summer (in other words, tow BM's line until he can get out of there!)
Her last message reiterated that she wasn't changing her plans and DH had to change the flight, implying that she was not sending SS2 back if the flight wasn't changed. She also threatened DH and said if he didn't get those medical tests for SS2 that she was "reporting" him. Oh, and get this, she said SS2 had told her he had an "open ended flight". The email we sent on April 15 had a date - that is clearly not an open-ended flight, nor did SS2 book his reservation, so why would she think a 13 year old was a reliable source of this information?
I knew she would mess this summer up!
There are two alternative tracks she could take. One would be to really go to see her parents and really not send SS2 back. This is the scenario we have been dreading and looking forward to at the same time. This would be our slam dunk as far as going back to court. But it would also be a pain in the ass for the boys and us.
The other would be to cancel her trip to see her parents or do it after SS2 leaves and then blame DH for the fact that SS2 couldn't see her parents. Conveniently omitting the information that she had since April to plan this trip around SS2's flight and didn't. I think SS2 would see through this strategy and it could most certainly be addressed in counseling and while it would do less damage in the long run, is nothing we can use in court.
Here's an idea, how 'bout we all get to have a NORMAL @$#*%! SUMMER!
She has known all summer what his reservation was and she agreed to it. Never did she say he would be leaving from a different state. She also did not plan this trip until she found out SS1 (who has spent the summer with us) was going down to visit her parents in a couple weeks. She is trying to get SS1 cornered at her parents' house. Unbelievable!
When SS1 found this out, he said he only wanted to visit DH's parents instead if BM was going to be at her parents, but we decided he should be able to see them, so he is flying down early instead. We discussed with SS1 that this was exactly why we don't typically tell them about plans such as this, because they blab to the Grandparents and then BM finds some way to screw everything up. He had bugged the crap out of us about seeing his Grandfather, and we knew he was feeling bad about not getting to see his sister, and we really though he had wised up enough to keep his trap shut. His response was "But I didn't think she would drive all the way down to do that." Hello, your own mother called the police on you for acting like a teenager and you didn't think she could pull this off? Wake the @$#*%! up!
DH tried to ask her to just leave a few days early so she could be back in time to get him on the scheduled flight, but she said she "had plans" and wasn't changing her plans. Hello, what about the plans she had with us first? She then starting laying into DH about the whole Spring Break thing, so he hung up. Unfortunately we were talking to SS2 before she got on the phone. SS2 called back about 10 minutes later, and can you believe this, starting apologizing to us, saying, "I didn't know she was going to get like that." Wake the @$#*%! up!
DH told him there was nothing to apologize to us for and to just do what he had to do to have a good rest of his summer (in other words, tow BM's line until he can get out of there!)
Her last message reiterated that she wasn't changing her plans and DH had to change the flight, implying that she was not sending SS2 back if the flight wasn't changed. She also threatened DH and said if he didn't get those medical tests for SS2 that she was "reporting" him. Oh, and get this, she said SS2 had told her he had an "open ended flight". The email we sent on April 15 had a date - that is clearly not an open-ended flight, nor did SS2 book his reservation, so why would she think a 13 year old was a reliable source of this information?
I knew she would mess this summer up!
There are two alternative tracks she could take. One would be to really go to see her parents and really not send SS2 back. This is the scenario we have been dreading and looking forward to at the same time. This would be our slam dunk as far as going back to court. But it would also be a pain in the ass for the boys and us.
The other would be to cancel her trip to see her parents or do it after SS2 leaves and then blame DH for the fact that SS2 couldn't see her parents. Conveniently omitting the information that she had since April to plan this trip around SS2's flight and didn't. I think SS2 would see through this strategy and it could most certainly be addressed in counseling and while it would do less damage in the long run, is nothing we can use in court.
Here's an idea, how 'bout we all get to have a NORMAL @$#*%! SUMMER!
July 21, 2008
I smell something fishy!
SS1 called BM's mom today to get her Tuna Fish Salad recipe.
Surprise, surprise, SS2 calls this afternoon, because he hasn't talked to SS1 "in a while". In four weeks, he hasn't called to talk to SS1 specifically.
What really happened:
BM's mom called BM and told her that she spoke to SS1 and BM got SS2 to call here to get SS1 on the phone so BM could take the phone from SS2 and SS1 would be stuck talking to BM and listening to her crap.
Thankfully, SS1 is spending the night at a friends, enjoying his summer, and can have a day off from the drama.
Surprise, surprise, SS2 calls this afternoon, because he hasn't talked to SS1 "in a while". In four weeks, he hasn't called to talk to SS1 specifically.
What really happened:
BM's mom called BM and told her that she spoke to SS1 and BM got SS2 to call here to get SS1 on the phone so BM could take the phone from SS2 and SS1 would be stuck talking to BM and listening to her crap.
Thankfully, SS1 is spending the night at a friends, enjoying his summer, and can have a day off from the drama.
July 16, 2008
Mixed Feelings
Part of me feels sad for SS2 and what he's having to deal with right now - being asked to keep secrets, sneaking to use the phone, going to the emergency room for unnecessary reasons.
But the other part of me, the part that has accepted the fact that both SS1 and SS2 have to come to terms with their mother's mental illness on their own and there is nothing we can do to prevent it, is actually glad that it is finally happening for SS2. Until this past Christmas, he has been a complete babe in the woods as far as BM is concerned. He totally felt that any problems BM had were SS1's fault. Now that SS1 hasn't been to visit BM @ Christmas or this summer, SS2 has no choice but to realize that it has NOTHING to do with SS1.
But the other part of me, the part that has accepted the fact that both SS1 and SS2 have to come to terms with their mother's mental illness on their own and there is nothing we can do to prevent it, is actually glad that it is finally happening for SS2. Until this past Christmas, he has been a complete babe in the woods as far as BM is concerned. He totally felt that any problems BM had were SS1's fault. Now that SS1 hasn't been to visit BM @ Christmas or this summer, SS2 has no choice but to realize that it has NOTHING to do with SS1.
July 13, 2008
Summer Emergency Room Trip #1
SS2 leaves us a message at 1:30 am last night to let us know that BM had taken him to the Emergency Room because he "choked" on an ice cube. I'm pretty sure ice cubes melt inside our bodies, so the likelihood of choking on one seems pretty small to me. I could understand if he was a toddler, but we're talking about a 13 year old here.
So he leaves a message telling us that it happened, but that he was fine. BM didn't even let us know and she has no idea that SS2 told us. I can't believe her! This is why she doesn't have custody. If she did, DH would know nothing about the boys (except when they are not having sex with the girl sleeping over).
SS2 didn't talk about it at all on the phone tonight because BM was standing right next to him when we were talking to him. Then while SS1 was talking to SS2, she got SS2 to ask SS1 to talk to her. She just can't let SS2 be and stay out of all her issues with SS1.
Then she gets on the phone and tells SS1 all the things they bought for SS2 and how much money she spent on him, and by the way, she's sending SS1 a sweatshirt. Apparently, he only gets the consolation prize since he didn't come visit this summer (which in her mind is SS1's fault, not her's).
So he leaves a message telling us that it happened, but that he was fine. BM didn't even let us know and she has no idea that SS2 told us. I can't believe her! This is why she doesn't have custody. If she did, DH would know nothing about the boys (except when they are not having sex with the girl sleeping over).
SS2 didn't talk about it at all on the phone tonight because BM was standing right next to him when we were talking to him. Then while SS1 was talking to SS2, she got SS2 to ask SS1 to talk to her. She just can't let SS2 be and stay out of all her issues with SS1.
Then she gets on the phone and tells SS1 all the things they bought for SS2 and how much money she spent on him, and by the way, she's sending SS1 a sweatshirt. Apparently, he only gets the consolation prize since he didn't come visit this summer (which in her mind is SS1's fault, not her's).
July 5, 2008
I love you and I love to guilt you!
The boys always enjoy getting mail. Usually it is magazine from a subscription or a card from one of the grandparents. SS1 gets a card from BM's mom this week. Starts off really sweet, and then, bam! in for the kill. I had the blessed honor of reading out loud to SS1 because he couldn't make out the cursive handwriting:
Dear SS1, Grandpa and I hope you're enjoying your summer so far. Enclosed is a little spending money and a picture of our new dog, Ali. She's growing fast and we're having a lot of fun with her. I talked with your Mom today and she's very sad that you haven't returned her calls. She misses you and I hope you change your mind to visit her. Enjoy the summer and be careful! Love Grandma and Grandpa
(Grandpa did not sign the card himself, and probably had no idea what written in it.)
Puleese! SS1 was all excited about the pic of the dog, and when I read the card to him, he just threw the picture down on the floor of the car and sighed. Never mind the fact that he had already talked to BM (see "Can't buy me love, love" entry on June 26th). So either BM is lying to her mom about talking to SS1 or Grandma is really as ruthless as we have always thought. I don't understand why she can't be a Grandma to him and stay out of all the drama?
Her husband does a much better job, and SS1 loves him to death. He never brings up the drama or places undue pressure on either of the kids. In fact, I think a small part of him wistfully wonders what his life would have been like if he had DH's courage to leave. If there is one character in this saga we feel sorry for, besides the kids, it is Grandpa. Not only is his daughter completely irrational, his wife supports it and often acts quite similar. He has always been cordial to DH, especially so when Grandma or BM are not within earshot. He's told DH that he is happy our business is doing well, that he trusts DH's judgment, and when SS1 called to thank him for the card, he suggested that DH, SS1, Uncle B (family friend), and he go to a b-ball game together the next time they are in former home state. It is almost as if he wants to be able to be alone with DH to unload something. He recently had a heart attack, and maybe he feels there are still things he wants to say to DH. Who knows? I do know SS1 would love having his Grandpa and DH together with him again.
Dear SS1, Grandpa and I hope you're enjoying your summer so far. Enclosed is a little spending money and a picture of our new dog, Ali. She's growing fast and we're having a lot of fun with her. I talked with your Mom today and she's very sad that you haven't returned her calls. She misses you and I hope you change your mind to visit her. Enjoy the summer and be careful! Love Grandma and Grandpa
(Grandpa did not sign the card himself, and probably had no idea what written in it.)
Puleese! SS1 was all excited about the pic of the dog, and when I read the card to him, he just threw the picture down on the floor of the car and sighed. Never mind the fact that he had already talked to BM (see "Can't buy me love, love" entry on June 26th). So either BM is lying to her mom about talking to SS1 or Grandma is really as ruthless as we have always thought. I don't understand why she can't be a Grandma to him and stay out of all the drama?
Her husband does a much better job, and SS1 loves him to death. He never brings up the drama or places undue pressure on either of the kids. In fact, I think a small part of him wistfully wonders what his life would have been like if he had DH's courage to leave. If there is one character in this saga we feel sorry for, besides the kids, it is Grandpa. Not only is his daughter completely irrational, his wife supports it and often acts quite similar. He has always been cordial to DH, especially so when Grandma or BM are not within earshot. He's told DH that he is happy our business is doing well, that he trusts DH's judgment, and when SS1 called to thank him for the card, he suggested that DH, SS1, Uncle B (family friend), and he go to a b-ball game together the next time they are in former home state. It is almost as if he wants to be able to be alone with DH to unload something. He recently had a heart attack, and maybe he feels there are still things he wants to say to DH. Who knows? I do know SS1 would love having his Grandpa and DH together with him again.
June 27, 2008
Spring Break Freak-Out
DH called BM in February and asked her what her plans were for the summer (last year they were supposed to be with her all summer, but she chose to only take them for 3 weeks). She stated at that time that it was up to the boys, so we told them that they needed to figure it out with her, but that if she asked for them to come down the whole summer than that was what would happen, since that is what the paperwork states (this is the first year we have allowed the boys to have any say in the matter (ages 13 and 15), but since last summer's trip went so poorly, we wanted the boys to be very clear with her about what the plans were). Over the next few weeks they hashed it out with BM.
BM had verbally agreed to SS1 going down for a month this summer, and SS2 spending the whole summer, minus a few days after school got out and a week before school started again. Flight reservations were made based on this, and the flight itinerary emailed to her.
Spring Break was coming up in April, which is not stipulated in the agreement as a time for the boys to travel to see her. She had called to have the boys fly out for the week, but after what had happened at Christmas and last summer, and especially since we had already made plans for the boys to visit to our former home state to visit both sets of grandparents, DH told her it wouldn't work out.
In March we get the following voicemail messages:
12:11 pm - Hey it's BM. I was looking over the, um, flight schedule that you sent me and I called the school and, um, they told me that the boys get off on the 20th and go back on August 27th. I mean, I think that's fair to, you know, have them come back a week early so they can get prepared for school, but since I can't get them that week, you know, you won't give me like one of the weeks, you know, they get one off in February and one in April now, and when we did that paperwork, you lied to me and said that because of school days they don't get spring break, and I think that's, you know, pretty low, so I'm not going to give up my week, you know, at the beginning of the, of the, um, summer vacation then, and, 'cause the paperwork says I get them all summer, so, you know, I'll give them that, that week before they go to school so they can pick out clothes and stuff like that, but I'm not going to give up the week, uh, before it. I get them such little time anyway, so, um, we're gonna have to work that out, 'cause it's in the paperwork that I get them the whole summer, you won't give me the weeks, uh, in spring, so I'm gonna take that week back, so, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye.
BM actually gets the boys 5 more days a year with the current agreement than she did when she saw them every other weekend. How mature - you won't let me play with your toy, so I'm taking my toy back...jeez.
12:48 pm - I just don't understand why, you know, after you lying to me, all that lying to me, and, oh, and calling me a liar to the boys all these years, you know, you just can't give me a week, that I deserve, I DESERVE a week, when you are 50 miles away from a child, you deserve a week away, but no, me being, you know, taking your word for it, I signed papers for you and your wife to move up there with the boys, and you can't even give me a lousy week in the spring, I think that is pretty fucking lousy, now if you can't work that out, I want SS2 when he gets off, and you can send SS1 when he gets off, because that's how it's gonna be. I'm gonna get every frickin' day I can, with the boys. If you can't give me a lousy week in the spring, well, that's your fault then, and I'm gonna tell the boys that, that it is your fault, that you can't give me a week with them in the spring, so I'm making them come down a week early, 'cause I'm missing out on a week in spring. So, you can live with that, when I tell the boys that, 'cause it's YOUR fault, 'cause you guys are being selfish, and stuff, and your having to ask (dragonmctt) for permission on everything, frickin' ridiculous, hey, whatever happened to the balls that you had when we were married? God, she must have cut them off and frickin' put them in her purse. Man, 'cause you were frickin' balls when we were married. You didn't listen to a damn word I said. SO FIGURE IT OUT! Get SS2 back, over here, right when he gets out of school, and get SS1 out when he gets out.
It's interesting how you can see her winding herself right up. She really does believe that visitation is for her, not for the kids. She also projects all the time about lying, saying DH is the liar, when in fact it is her. I also find it funny that she says she never talks to the boys about issues from the divorce, yet she threatens to twice!
My favorite part, though, is the part about DH's balls. She can't stand the fact that DH and I are happily married and live our lives TOGETHER. When SS2 heard the message, he laughed and said, "She's always talking about your big, juicy balls." And then he shuddered, like any teenager (or adult, for that matter) would when thinking about a parent's anatomical parts.
2:15 pm - Hi, waiting for a call back, um, you know, you haven't answered me, why I can't have them for a week, you know, with them getting two weeks off in the spring, why is it that I can't have one of those weeks. You know, you haven't returned my call on that, and stuff, and so, I'm gonna have them the whole summer, then. 'Cause you're going by the paperwork, you can have them a couple days before, um, school, um, starts back up, but I'm not giving you the week after when school gets up too, if you can't even have the decency to give me an answer on that. So if we are going to go by the paperwork, I get them the whole summer, and you can have them a couple days before they have to go back. Your not getting them a whole week before they have to go back to school. You don't need a whole week. So. Give me a call back, it's all up, in your court, so give me a week in spring, when they have two weeks off, or you send them as soon as they get off of school, and you get them a couple days before they have to go back. So if you want to go by the paperwork, I'll go right along with the paperwork. So. Alright, talk to you later. Bye.
Is it just me, or does it sound like she is talking about arranging the schedule for a timeshare? It is almost as if the boys themselves aren't even in the equation.
2:17 pm - Oh, yeah, and by the way, I will tell the boys why that is and it's because you lied to me, and saying they had to make up their snow days during the spring, and they'll know that you also lied again, um, so, you know, it's up to you, you can fix it, or you can, uh, let them know, you know, just how deceptive you are, so, let me know, alright, bye.
Projection, projection, projection. Threatening to talk to the boys about it again.
2:23 pm - Over here, they're staying the whole summer then, if that's how it's going to be, you lied to me, and your going to be jerk about it, well, the boys will know that they're going to miss out on everything that they are going to be able to do this summer, because of you, because you wouldn't let me have them for spring break, that I would be entitled to, and you know damn well that's true, and I'm just gonna tell them, it's your fault, I'll keep them the whole summer then, but it is YOUR fault, because you lied to me, you know very damn well you did, so, do whatever you want, but I'm getting them the whole summer.
Projection, projection, projection. Threatening to talk to the boys again. And why are they going to miss out on everything this summer?
5:10 pm - DH called her back and tried to explain that only summer and Christmas were in the agreement, and that there had been no conversation about it, but she was too far in her rage to listen.
5:32 pm - Hey, have the boys call me as soon as they get home, 'cause I'm supposed to be able to get a hold of them whenever I want to, uh, I'm supposed to have direct contact with them whenever I want, you guys don't have a normal phone, I'm gonna go to the courts with that, um, and, that's gonna be changed, um, so they better call me right away. So, if you don't want me calling the court house, and causing a whole bunch of trouble, you better have them call me right away, 'cause they are going to know that you lied about this, and I don't care what you say to them, (chuckle) trust me, I'll make them believe it. And you know you lied about it, you know you told me there was no spring break, so, you know, everything that they are going to miss this summer, is all going to be on your shoulders, or should I say (dragonmctt), since you can't make a decision to save your life, so, you always have to ask mommy for everything, so, um, I'll talk to you later.
Yeah, we'll get those walkie-talkies implanted into their skulls right away! All she has is a cell phone - we at least have Skype that the boys can use whenever they want, with their own incoming number and voicemail. We actually got this so she could video chat with them, but has she ever got it set up? It's FREE! How much more trouble could she cause? (we're dying to get her into court anyway). Some more projection. The "I'll make them believe it" sent shivers down my spine. Didn't she just admit to being an alienator? Still don't get why she thinks the boys are missing something this summer. And finally, another dig at our healthy relationship, which ironically, is also a projection of her relationship with Perpetual Fiance (as we find out in a later email).
Since she stated numerous times that she would be discussing this issue with the boys (highly inappropriate), we figured we better give them a heads up. We told them that of course their dad and I discuss plans and how that affects the whole family, and that in good relationships, things are discussed together. We also let them know that if she states in writing that she wants the flight changed to all summer, that is what will happen. We discussed with them that we felt it was inappropriate for her to be discussing this with them, but that she wanted them to call her right away. She talks to SS1 for a whole 3 minutes, telling SS1 that he had to say DH was a liar, that SS1 was responsible for his grandfather's recent heart attack, and when SS1 refused to agree that DH was evil, she hung up on him.
These is the email that SS1 wrote to her after getting off the phone:
I was trying to get over my self to visit you this summer but you are forceing me to stay the whole summer because of something between you and my dad and putting me in it is pretty childish I mean we could not last 2 weeks and you think we will last the whole summer and trying to guilt me with grandpa that was pretty crul. I will always love you but I just can't handle this so until then this is it.
5:58 - That's fine, if SS1 doesn't want to come, that's fine, but get SS2 on a plane, I'll have all summer with him, so that's fine.
We let SS2 know that he would be going for the whole summer, which he was not happy with, since he wanted a week of summertime with his friends up here. SS2 is on the couch, and we tell him that he needs to call his his mom. He gives us a smirk and says, "I got it covered." As if he already knew he could manipulate her. And he comes out of his room 10 minutes later and says that he can come back a week early. Don't know what part of his soul he had to sell.
BM had verbally agreed to SS1 going down for a month this summer, and SS2 spending the whole summer, minus a few days after school got out and a week before school started again. Flight reservations were made based on this, and the flight itinerary emailed to her.
Spring Break was coming up in April, which is not stipulated in the agreement as a time for the boys to travel to see her. She had called to have the boys fly out for the week, but after what had happened at Christmas and last summer, and especially since we had already made plans for the boys to visit to our former home state to visit both sets of grandparents, DH told her it wouldn't work out.
In March we get the following voicemail messages:
12:11 pm - Hey it's BM. I was looking over the, um, flight schedule that you sent me and I called the school and, um, they told me that the boys get off on the 20th and go back on August 27th. I mean, I think that's fair to, you know, have them come back a week early so they can get prepared for school, but since I can't get them that week, you know, you won't give me like one of the weeks, you know, they get one off in February and one in April now, and when we did that paperwork, you lied to me and said that because of school days they don't get spring break, and I think that's, you know, pretty low, so I'm not going to give up my week, you know, at the beginning of the, of the, um, summer vacation then, and, 'cause the paperwork says I get them all summer, so, you know, I'll give them that, that week before they go to school so they can pick out clothes and stuff like that, but I'm not going to give up the week, uh, before it. I get them such little time anyway, so, um, we're gonna have to work that out, 'cause it's in the paperwork that I get them the whole summer, you won't give me the weeks, uh, in spring, so I'm gonna take that week back, so, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye.
BM actually gets the boys 5 more days a year with the current agreement than she did when she saw them every other weekend. How mature - you won't let me play with your toy, so I'm taking my toy back...jeez.
12:48 pm - I just don't understand why, you know, after you lying to me, all that lying to me, and, oh, and calling me a liar to the boys all these years, you know, you just can't give me a week, that I deserve, I DESERVE a week, when you are 50 miles away from a child, you deserve a week away, but no, me being, you know, taking your word for it, I signed papers for you and your wife to move up there with the boys, and you can't even give me a lousy week in the spring, I think that is pretty fucking lousy, now if you can't work that out, I want SS2 when he gets off, and you can send SS1 when he gets off, because that's how it's gonna be. I'm gonna get every frickin' day I can, with the boys. If you can't give me a lousy week in the spring, well, that's your fault then, and I'm gonna tell the boys that, that it is your fault, that you can't give me a week with them in the spring, so I'm making them come down a week early, 'cause I'm missing out on a week in spring. So, you can live with that, when I tell the boys that, 'cause it's YOUR fault, 'cause you guys are being selfish, and stuff, and your having to ask (dragonmctt) for permission on everything, frickin' ridiculous, hey, whatever happened to the balls that you had when we were married? God, she must have cut them off and frickin' put them in her purse. Man, 'cause you were frickin' balls when we were married. You didn't listen to a damn word I said. SO FIGURE IT OUT! Get SS2 back, over here, right when he gets out of school, and get SS1 out when he gets out.
It's interesting how you can see her winding herself right up. She really does believe that visitation is for her, not for the kids. She also projects all the time about lying, saying DH is the liar, when in fact it is her. I also find it funny that she says she never talks to the boys about issues from the divorce, yet she threatens to twice!
My favorite part, though, is the part about DH's balls. She can't stand the fact that DH and I are happily married and live our lives TOGETHER. When SS2 heard the message, he laughed and said, "She's always talking about your big, juicy balls." And then he shuddered, like any teenager (or adult, for that matter) would when thinking about a parent's anatomical parts.
2:15 pm - Hi, waiting for a call back, um, you know, you haven't answered me, why I can't have them for a week, you know, with them getting two weeks off in the spring, why is it that I can't have one of those weeks. You know, you haven't returned my call on that, and stuff, and so, I'm gonna have them the whole summer, then. 'Cause you're going by the paperwork, you can have them a couple days before, um, school, um, starts back up, but I'm not giving you the week after when school gets up too, if you can't even have the decency to give me an answer on that. So if we are going to go by the paperwork, I get them the whole summer, and you can have them a couple days before they have to go back. Your not getting them a whole week before they have to go back to school. You don't need a whole week. So. Give me a call back, it's all up, in your court, so give me a week in spring, when they have two weeks off, or you send them as soon as they get off of school, and you get them a couple days before they have to go back. So if you want to go by the paperwork, I'll go right along with the paperwork. So. Alright, talk to you later. Bye.
Is it just me, or does it sound like she is talking about arranging the schedule for a timeshare? It is almost as if the boys themselves aren't even in the equation.
2:17 pm - Oh, yeah, and by the way, I will tell the boys why that is and it's because you lied to me, and saying they had to make up their snow days during the spring, and they'll know that you also lied again, um, so, you know, it's up to you, you can fix it, or you can, uh, let them know, you know, just how deceptive you are, so, let me know, alright, bye.
Projection, projection, projection. Threatening to talk to the boys about it again.
2:23 pm - Over here, they're staying the whole summer then, if that's how it's going to be, you lied to me, and your going to be jerk about it, well, the boys will know that they're going to miss out on everything that they are going to be able to do this summer, because of you, because you wouldn't let me have them for spring break, that I would be entitled to, and you know damn well that's true, and I'm just gonna tell them, it's your fault, I'll keep them the whole summer then, but it is YOUR fault, because you lied to me, you know very damn well you did, so, do whatever you want, but I'm getting them the whole summer.
Projection, projection, projection. Threatening to talk to the boys again. And why are they going to miss out on everything this summer?
5:10 pm - DH called her back and tried to explain that only summer and Christmas were in the agreement, and that there had been no conversation about it, but she was too far in her rage to listen.
5:32 pm - Hey, have the boys call me as soon as they get home, 'cause I'm supposed to be able to get a hold of them whenever I want to, uh, I'm supposed to have direct contact with them whenever I want, you guys don't have a normal phone, I'm gonna go to the courts with that, um, and, that's gonna be changed, um, so they better call me right away. So, if you don't want me calling the court house, and causing a whole bunch of trouble, you better have them call me right away, 'cause they are going to know that you lied about this, and I don't care what you say to them, (chuckle) trust me, I'll make them believe it. And you know you lied about it, you know you told me there was no spring break, so, you know, everything that they are going to miss this summer, is all going to be on your shoulders, or should I say (dragonmctt), since you can't make a decision to save your life, so, you always have to ask mommy for everything, so, um, I'll talk to you later.
Yeah, we'll get those walkie-talkies implanted into their skulls right away! All she has is a cell phone - we at least have Skype that the boys can use whenever they want, with their own incoming number and voicemail. We actually got this so she could video chat with them, but has she ever got it set up? It's FREE! How much more trouble could she cause? (we're dying to get her into court anyway). Some more projection. The "I'll make them believe it" sent shivers down my spine. Didn't she just admit to being an alienator? Still don't get why she thinks the boys are missing something this summer. And finally, another dig at our healthy relationship, which ironically, is also a projection of her relationship with Perpetual Fiance (as we find out in a later email).
Since she stated numerous times that she would be discussing this issue with the boys (highly inappropriate), we figured we better give them a heads up. We told them that of course their dad and I discuss plans and how that affects the whole family, and that in good relationships, things are discussed together. We also let them know that if she states in writing that she wants the flight changed to all summer, that is what will happen. We discussed with them that we felt it was inappropriate for her to be discussing this with them, but that she wanted them to call her right away. She talks to SS1 for a whole 3 minutes, telling SS1 that he had to say DH was a liar, that SS1 was responsible for his grandfather's recent heart attack, and when SS1 refused to agree that DH was evil, she hung up on him.
These is the email that SS1 wrote to her after getting off the phone:
I was trying to get over my self to visit you this summer but you are forceing me to stay the whole summer because of something between you and my dad and putting me in it is pretty childish I mean we could not last 2 weeks and you think we will last the whole summer and trying to guilt me with grandpa that was pretty crul. I will always love you but I just can't handle this so until then this is it.
5:58 - That's fine, if SS1 doesn't want to come, that's fine, but get SS2 on a plane, I'll have all summer with him, so that's fine.
We let SS2 know that he would be going for the whole summer, which he was not happy with, since he wanted a week of summertime with his friends up here. SS2 is on the couch, and we tell him that he needs to call his his mom. He gives us a smirk and says, "I got it covered." As if he already knew he could manipulate her. And he comes out of his room 10 minutes later and says that he can come back a week early. Don't know what part of his soul he had to sell.
June 26, 2008
Can't buy me love, love...
...Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy,
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.
- The Beatles
So SS1 just spoke to BM on the phone. After gushing about all the things SS2 has been doing, she asks SS1 if he is planning on coming for the week at Christmas (6 months away). He tries to be polite to her on the phone, as to be able to have some type of normal conversation with her, yet she insists on discussing this with him now, the first time he has talked to her in weeks. Then she puts SS2 on the phone to beg SS1 to come at Christmas. Then she guilts SS1 with how much his little sister misses him and how he can go to an indoor water park. He tries to end the conversation by telling her he'll think about it, instead of telling her how he really feels, which is scared to death that she is going to call the police on him again, and disgusted that she would say a little version of DH was not welcome in her house (which she wrote in an email a few months ago). So she goes to her last resort, "I'll give you $200.00 if you come."
SS1 got off the phone utterly disgusted. He did a good job keeping his cool, but he was so disappointed that he couldn't have a normal conversation with his mom, his brother or his sister. The whole time it was all about the drama - not "How are you? What's new?"
I don't get it.
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.
- The Beatles
So SS1 just spoke to BM on the phone. After gushing about all the things SS2 has been doing, she asks SS1 if he is planning on coming for the week at Christmas (6 months away). He tries to be polite to her on the phone, as to be able to have some type of normal conversation with her, yet she insists on discussing this with him now, the first time he has talked to her in weeks. Then she puts SS2 on the phone to beg SS1 to come at Christmas. Then she guilts SS1 with how much his little sister misses him and how he can go to an indoor water park. He tries to end the conversation by telling her he'll think about it, instead of telling her how he really feels, which is scared to death that she is going to call the police on him again, and disgusted that she would say a little version of DH was not welcome in her house (which she wrote in an email a few months ago). So she goes to her last resort, "I'll give you $200.00 if you come."
SS1 got off the phone utterly disgusted. He did a good job keeping his cool, but he was so disappointed that he couldn't have a normal conversation with his mom, his brother or his sister. The whole time it was all about the drama - not "How are you? What's new?"
I don't get it.
June 18, 2008
Today's Reality
I thought I would be able to get all the past in before I started writing about the present, but as time slips through my fingers, I'm realizing I just need to write as it comes to me.
Today was the last counseling appt for SS2 before he leaves Saturday to visit BM in another state for 8 weeks. The longest he has stayed with her at one time in the last 8 years was 3 weeks, and that involved the police. Other than that, it has just been one or two weeks, or just weekends. Considering how the week at Christmas went, I'm very anxious about this summer. With the counselor we went over with him the following issues:
1) What to do at the airport if BM is not there when he lands (she has already warned him she might not be). Hello!!!!!! Arrive 45 minutes before the child lands, minimum. Good grief. We are going to practice with him what to do when we drop him off at our airport.
2) Strategies he can use when BM starts bashing DH or SS1 (who, is not going on the summer visit).
The counselor used a great analogy. Let's say SS2 is wearing blue shorts and BM tells him they are red. He may have to agree with BM that the shorts are red to keep the peace, but we want him to come home and still know the shorts are blue.
He also is going to try the "I don't know" strategy, since that is actually true and he doesn't know anything about why SS1 is not going and doesn't know anything about the many things in the past BM will bring up.
If these two don't stop her, he's got two back up plans.
Try to distract her, by talking about videogames or some TV show. She is easily distracted and often forgets what she was just talking about.
And finally, if all else fails, he's just gonna come right out and say that he is there to visit her, enjoy time with her, and what is going on with DH and her, or SS1 and her, has nothing to do with him.
3) We discussed what a police report is. Whenever she is angry, she brings up police reports. She has them on DH, SS1 and Perpetual Fiance. We explained that a police report is only a version of events written down by a police officer. There needs to be evidence that supports the report in order for there to be an arrest. Then there has to be a judge or jury that finds someone guilty or innocent based on evidence. None of BM's police reports have ever made it to this stage. Lack of evidence and credibility will do that!
4) We discussed how phone calls were going to go. DH will call him one day a week, Sunday, and if he is not there, that is ok. He can call us back when it is convenient for him. We will not be calling 15 times in a row, or yell at him if he does not call back instantly. We understand that he will be having fun and exploring a new place and that is ok. (This will totally take the power out of BM's hands, because I'm sure she's already planning on screening her calls and saying "your dad hasn't called in a while.")
5) We will not be crying at the airport when he leaves. That does not mean we love him any less. We also will not be calling him as soon as he gets to BM's and cry on the phone about how much we miss him and how we wish he didn't go. That does not mean we love him or miss him any less.
How sad is it that we have to do this to prepare a 13 year old to spend time with his mom?
Today was the last counseling appt for SS2 before he leaves Saturday to visit BM in another state for 8 weeks. The longest he has stayed with her at one time in the last 8 years was 3 weeks, and that involved the police. Other than that, it has just been one or two weeks, or just weekends. Considering how the week at Christmas went, I'm very anxious about this summer. With the counselor we went over with him the following issues:
1) What to do at the airport if BM is not there when he lands (she has already warned him she might not be). Hello!!!!!! Arrive 45 minutes before the child lands, minimum. Good grief. We are going to practice with him what to do when we drop him off at our airport.
2) Strategies he can use when BM starts bashing DH or SS1 (who, is not going on the summer visit).
The counselor used a great analogy. Let's say SS2 is wearing blue shorts and BM tells him they are red. He may have to agree with BM that the shorts are red to keep the peace, but we want him to come home and still know the shorts are blue.
He also is going to try the "I don't know" strategy, since that is actually true and he doesn't know anything about why SS1 is not going and doesn't know anything about the many things in the past BM will bring up.
If these two don't stop her, he's got two back up plans.
Try to distract her, by talking about videogames or some TV show. She is easily distracted and often forgets what she was just talking about.
And finally, if all else fails, he's just gonna come right out and say that he is there to visit her, enjoy time with her, and what is going on with DH and her, or SS1 and her, has nothing to do with him.
3) We discussed what a police report is. Whenever she is angry, she brings up police reports. She has them on DH, SS1 and Perpetual Fiance. We explained that a police report is only a version of events written down by a police officer. There needs to be evidence that supports the report in order for there to be an arrest. Then there has to be a judge or jury that finds someone guilty or innocent based on evidence. None of BM's police reports have ever made it to this stage. Lack of evidence and credibility will do that!
4) We discussed how phone calls were going to go. DH will call him one day a week, Sunday, and if he is not there, that is ok. He can call us back when it is convenient for him. We will not be calling 15 times in a row, or yell at him if he does not call back instantly. We understand that he will be having fun and exploring a new place and that is ok. (This will totally take the power out of BM's hands, because I'm sure she's already planning on screening her calls and saying "your dad hasn't called in a while.")
5) We will not be crying at the airport when he leaves. That does not mean we love him any less. We also will not be calling him as soon as he gets to BM's and cry on the phone about how much we miss him and how we wish he didn't go. That does not mean we love him or miss him any less.
How sad is it that we have to do this to prepare a 13 year old to spend time with his mom?
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