Well, time has just flown by - unfortunately, life has gotten into the way of blogging about life, things have settled a bit, so I'm going to attempt to reconstruct the last 6 months or so.
Shortly after my last blog post in March, a close friend of SS1 committed suicide. SS1 had just been sitting with her on the bus ride home that day, and about 10 pm that evening, some of his friends drove over to tell him the news. We didn't see SS1 for about a week straight - all the kids took the week off of school until the memorial service and spent time together at the family's house. We live in a small town, and everything basically stopped for the close circle of friends. The next week after the memorial, when SS1 began to try to get into his routine, it became quite obvious that he was having a very difficult time. He ranted, he exploded, he went on and on about BM and the crappy things she has done, he pushed and pushed at DH and I, he wanted nothing to do with his brother, school, or hobbies he had previously enjoyed. He had counseling at school, we took him to his regular counselor, and even a month later, he was still struggling. His grades took a nose dive (he ended up failing one class that trimester), he sulked, answered questions in one word sentences, obsessed over pictures he had of his friend. Every time we would see the smallest glimmer of his old personality, it was gone. It was a long few months. Thankfully school let out in June, and summer was a welcome reprieve from trying to get SS1 to do ANYTHING. He worked a few odd jobs here and there, but other than that, he just hung out with his friends. Slowly, he seemed to be getting a grip, he would go for several days in a row without mentioning his friend, now he goes a couple weeks. He started going swimming, riding his 4 wheeler, joking with his brother. Things are much better now, he clearly still misses his friend, but he seems to have accepted that his life should go on, and that it is not disrespecting her memory to go and have a good time. What a sad, sad spring we had.
Showing posts with label Counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Counseling. Show all posts
September 30, 2009
June 18, 2008
Today's Reality
I thought I would be able to get all the past in before I started writing about the present, but as time slips through my fingers, I'm realizing I just need to write as it comes to me.
Today was the last counseling appt for SS2 before he leaves Saturday to visit BM in another state for 8 weeks. The longest he has stayed with her at one time in the last 8 years was 3 weeks, and that involved the police. Other than that, it has just been one or two weeks, or just weekends. Considering how the week at Christmas went, I'm very anxious about this summer. With the counselor we went over with him the following issues:
1) What to do at the airport if BM is not there when he lands (she has already warned him she might not be). Hello!!!!!! Arrive 45 minutes before the child lands, minimum. Good grief. We are going to practice with him what to do when we drop him off at our airport.
2) Strategies he can use when BM starts bashing DH or SS1 (who, is not going on the summer visit).
The counselor used a great analogy. Let's say SS2 is wearing blue shorts and BM tells him they are red. He may have to agree with BM that the shorts are red to keep the peace, but we want him to come home and still know the shorts are blue.
He also is going to try the "I don't know" strategy, since that is actually true and he doesn't know anything about why SS1 is not going and doesn't know anything about the many things in the past BM will bring up.
If these two don't stop her, he's got two back up plans.
Try to distract her, by talking about videogames or some TV show. She is easily distracted and often forgets what she was just talking about.
And finally, if all else fails, he's just gonna come right out and say that he is there to visit her, enjoy time with her, and what is going on with DH and her, or SS1 and her, has nothing to do with him.
3) We discussed what a police report is. Whenever she is angry, she brings up police reports. She has them on DH, SS1 and Perpetual Fiance. We explained that a police report is only a version of events written down by a police officer. There needs to be evidence that supports the report in order for there to be an arrest. Then there has to be a judge or jury that finds someone guilty or innocent based on evidence. None of BM's police reports have ever made it to this stage. Lack of evidence and credibility will do that!
4) We discussed how phone calls were going to go. DH will call him one day a week, Sunday, and if he is not there, that is ok. He can call us back when it is convenient for him. We will not be calling 15 times in a row, or yell at him if he does not call back instantly. We understand that he will be having fun and exploring a new place and that is ok. (This will totally take the power out of BM's hands, because I'm sure she's already planning on screening her calls and saying "your dad hasn't called in a while.")
5) We will not be crying at the airport when he leaves. That does not mean we love him any less. We also will not be calling him as soon as he gets to BM's and cry on the phone about how much we miss him and how we wish he didn't go. That does not mean we love him or miss him any less.
How sad is it that we have to do this to prepare a 13 year old to spend time with his mom?
Today was the last counseling appt for SS2 before he leaves Saturday to visit BM in another state for 8 weeks. The longest he has stayed with her at one time in the last 8 years was 3 weeks, and that involved the police. Other than that, it has just been one or two weeks, or just weekends. Considering how the week at Christmas went, I'm very anxious about this summer. With the counselor we went over with him the following issues:
1) What to do at the airport if BM is not there when he lands (she has already warned him she might not be). Hello!!!!!! Arrive 45 minutes before the child lands, minimum. Good grief. We are going to practice with him what to do when we drop him off at our airport.
2) Strategies he can use when BM starts bashing DH or SS1 (who, is not going on the summer visit).
The counselor used a great analogy. Let's say SS2 is wearing blue shorts and BM tells him they are red. He may have to agree with BM that the shorts are red to keep the peace, but we want him to come home and still know the shorts are blue.
He also is going to try the "I don't know" strategy, since that is actually true and he doesn't know anything about why SS1 is not going and doesn't know anything about the many things in the past BM will bring up.
If these two don't stop her, he's got two back up plans.
Try to distract her, by talking about videogames or some TV show. She is easily distracted and often forgets what she was just talking about.
And finally, if all else fails, he's just gonna come right out and say that he is there to visit her, enjoy time with her, and what is going on with DH and her, or SS1 and her, has nothing to do with him.
3) We discussed what a police report is. Whenever she is angry, she brings up police reports. She has them on DH, SS1 and Perpetual Fiance. We explained that a police report is only a version of events written down by a police officer. There needs to be evidence that supports the report in order for there to be an arrest. Then there has to be a judge or jury that finds someone guilty or innocent based on evidence. None of BM's police reports have ever made it to this stage. Lack of evidence and credibility will do that!
4) We discussed how phone calls were going to go. DH will call him one day a week, Sunday, and if he is not there, that is ok. He can call us back when it is convenient for him. We will not be calling 15 times in a row, or yell at him if he does not call back instantly. We understand that he will be having fun and exploring a new place and that is ok. (This will totally take the power out of BM's hands, because I'm sure she's already planning on screening her calls and saying "your dad hasn't called in a while.")
5) We will not be crying at the airport when he leaves. That does not mean we love him any less. We also will not be calling him as soon as he gets to BM's and cry on the phone about how much we miss him and how we wish he didn't go. That does not mean we love him or miss him any less.
How sad is it that we have to do this to prepare a 13 year old to spend time with his mom?
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