Are you surprised?

She missed the deadline to offer any solutions. She left 5 messages on the 9th, each message filling up the alloted voice mail space, so she kept getting cut off and had to call back. I'd give you a verbatim, but frankly, I don't have the time or energy to transcribe over 45 minutes of ramblings. I'll bullet the major points of interest.

Mssg 1 (sick voice which turns into crying voice)
*she misunderstood about his thyroid, and only came to this realization after her father explained it to her (so glad someone in her world is paying attention)

*she has had to go through so much with her health and SS2 takes after her, so he must have health problems, so he should be tested just to find out (what a sick way to try to find common ground with your child)

Mssg 2 (sick voice)
*claims ER Dr lied in his report (yeah, like he had nothing better to do)

*said it was SS2's CHOICE to go the emergency room (who's the adult?)

*said it was SS2 that asked her not to call DH about the ER visit (funny, 'cause SS2 was the one that called us and told us about it in the wee hours of the morning)

Mssg 3 (voice coming back to normal, slight twinge of haughtiness)

*still bringing up the Spring Break issue (see previous posts for that bundle of joy)

*she lists the medications she has been on (this I gotta quote) "Look at the side effects of the medication I'm on. It causes 'roid rage, it causes psychotic episodes." (yup, she actually admitted it)

*she is no longer taking the medications, because they are obviously "causing too many problems" (again, no responsibility for her actions)

Mssg 4 (sick voice coming back, going full throttle into "feel sorry for me" mode)

*all her health issues are what caused her to "snap at SS1", "there are things, and SS2 saw it for himself, that there was unnecessary disrespect" (hell has frozen over, you mean all the things she denied ever happening really did happen?)

(she almost had me here, and then she lost it)

*neither DH or I understand what it is like to have a child grow inside of us, and they are part of her body (strange how we can understand how to relate to them and parent them, though)

*we took them away and ripped her heart out (odd how she doesn't remember fleeing the FormerHomeState with the children, which is what allowed DH to get Temp Custody in the first place, she had no problem ripping his heart out when he didn't know where they were for months!)

*it's just not fair that she has to miss out on them growing up just because of her health (she really doesn't get why she doesn't have custody of them! she really doesn't understand how HER actions led to what happened)

*she admits that we have done a good job with the boys and they are doing very well (finally, the recognition we have been living for, NOT!)

*she wants DH to stop sending her the letters by FedEx because she is off her medicine right now and she can "rationalize everything" (can't tell from these messages)

*she says the boys are part of "both of us" (so you mean DH did have a hand in creating them, they didn't spring virginally from "her body")

*it is going to be a better situation, now that she is not on her meds anymore (that is wishful thinking! she had these issues long before she became disabled and started taking her shopping list of medications)

*she's made mistakes and said things she really didn't mean (hard to tell at this point what things she means and what she doesn't)

*now she wants SS1 to come at least for a week so she can see him (you mean use as an emotional punching bag?)

Mssg 5 (very snotty voice)

*she can't imagine me having the "luxury" to go see a therapist just to deal with everyday life, and that I should have her problems to see what real problems are (hello, your actions are the only problems I need to see a therapist for)

*she wants to have a normal relationship with them, her health has come in the way, it is not her fault (the story of her life)


She really expects a free pass, as if DH is going to call her and tell her that she can do whatever she wants and treat people however she wants and we'll all give her an "excuse" note. She really thinks these messages show how she has a complete understanding of why things are the way they are, yet in fact, her comments only highlight how disjointed her reasoning is. The erratic changes in her voice, the contradictions from one minute to another, the continued fantasy that she is not responsible for anything, and yet deserves having everyone bend to her illogical thinking because she is the "mother". I used to think she was a spiteful person that spent her time thinking of ways to mess with us, and that one day she may get over it and things could be better. These messages have just confirmed for me that she does live in an alternate reality and things are never going to change. No matter what she does or says to hurt people, she will always see herself as the victim.

You can never know...

SS2 is coming home tonight!

This morning BM called, sick voice and all, wanting to make sure that we didn't "misunderstand" her message the other day, that they were trying to get a lawyer for her dad, not for her. Gee, wonder what would make us think that? Maybe the nasty message she left us? And her dad's lawyer was going to get her an "excuse" note from the courts to not send SS2 home on time? Reality just changed folks before your very eyes.

Then she says that because of the hurricane coming, and because SS2 wants to see his friends, she wants to get him out early. Apparently that is what it takes to get her to think about her child - a hurricane stronger than herself.

So we emailed her at her parents with the first non-stop flight information for tonight, and said we weren't booking it until she responded via email confirming that he would be on the flight. This is her response:

Yes! that is fine. I will have SS2 at the airport at that time. Thank you for understanding about my dad. You know I would do the same if you went through this with your parents.

It is as if none of the crap she has said the last few weeks even happened. I'm glad we make her leave messages, or DH and I would think we just had nightmares everyday and that none of it really happened. How she can get from demanding that SS2 stay longer, to sending him home early is beyond me.

I'll let you guys know tomorrow if SS2 is actually back tonight! Keep your fingers crossed!

We are so ready for this summer visit to be over!

Mixed Feelings

Part of me feels sad for SS2 and what he's having to deal with right now - being asked to keep secrets, sneaking to use the phone, going to the emergency room for unnecessary reasons.

But the other part of me, the part that has accepted the fact that both SS1 and SS2 have to come to terms with their mother's mental illness on their own and there is nothing we can do to prevent it, is actually glad that it is finally happening for SS2. Until this past Christmas, he has been a complete babe in the woods as far as BM is concerned. He totally felt that any problems BM had were SS1's fault. Now that SS1 hasn't been to visit BM @ Christmas or this summer, SS2 has no choice but to realize that it has NOTHING to do with SS1.

Hospital memories...

This new round of hospital drama is bringing up all the anger I felt during the first one - see here - I just know she's up to something. Not that money is the end all, but she is extremely jealous that DH and I work hard to provide whatever the boys need, we enjoy vacations, and own a home. Yet at every opportunity she tries to make things financially difficult for us, which she doesn't realize only hurts the boys. It would be one thing if she would just not pay child support and leave us alone, but she doesn't pay anything and then tries to suck anything she can out of us.

1) Money for the lawyers needed to finalize the custody.

2) Money for the lawyer we had to hire to clear up Police Reports Round 3.

3) She tried to stick us with the bill for the emergency room visit in Police Reports Round 2. Not only was DH not allowed to see SS2 for 4 hours by the hospital staff, he was then required to sign paperwork saying he was financially responsible before they would let DH see him. I'm quite sure this is because BM's parents both worked at the hospital and she manipulated something, but that was $1,000 we didn't have at that time. And SHE was the one who brought him there for a cold. Needless to say, we never paid the bill and it "disappeared" after we called the hospital Billing Dept and told them what had happened that night, and that we wanted the number our lawyer should call to settle this matter.

4) During the 9 Days of Hell, she called the police to come to our apartment and take all the boys belongings which we had purchased without any help from her.

5) She made us change SS2's airfare and cancel SS1's airfare for this summer, and of course the only airline that flies from us to her charges for flight changes! You can bet she knows that, too!

6) Then there is the money we spend on having things certified, return receipted, and FedExed, all because she can't be trusted and continually changes what she has said or lies about what has been said to her.

7) And most tragic of all, the hours we have paid for therapy for the boys to be able to wrap their brain around her behavior.

Unfortunately, if how she treats her parents and her Perpetual Fiance is any indication, she will be sucking money out of the boys when they are adults as well.

Summer Emergency Room Trip #1

SS2 leaves us a message at 1:30 am last night to let us know that BM had taken him to the Emergency Room because he "choked" on an ice cube. I'm pretty sure ice cubes melt inside our bodies, so the likelihood of choking on one seems pretty small to me. I could understand if he was a toddler, but we're talking about a 13 year old here.

So he leaves a message telling us that it happened, but that he was fine. BM didn't even let us know and she has no idea that SS2 told us. I can't believe her! This is why she doesn't have custody. If she did, DH would know nothing about the boys (except when they are not having sex with the girl sleeping over).

SS2 didn't talk about it at all on the phone tonight because BM was standing right next to him when we were talking to him. Then while SS1 was talking to SS2, she got SS2 to ask SS1 to talk to her. She just can't let SS2 be and stay out of all her issues with SS1.

Then she gets on the phone and tells SS1 all the things they bought for SS2 and how much money she spent on him, and by the way, she's sending SS1 a sweatshirt. Apparently, he only gets the consolation prize since he didn't come visit this summer (which in her mind is SS1's fault, not her's).

The Sick Voice

BM has a tendency to have two separate voices (well, 3, if you include the "screaming at the top of your lungs" voice.)

The first is her sickening sweet, "I'm the best mommy in the world" voice. This is what she uses when she is trying to make up for something, or bribe the boys, or try to mislead DH into thinking that she is being cooperative, when really she is planning some type of attack. We treat anything said with this voice with extreme caution.

The second is her "sick voice". This is the voice she uses when she is explaining why she couldn't pick the boys up on time, or why she didn't call when she said she would, or why she is canceling her weekend. She also uses this voice when she wants to get something and feels sympathy would boost her case.

What is very odd about the "sick voice" is that it comes and goes in conversation. Sometimes she speaks normally to DH and when he hands the phone to the kids, the "sick voice" starts. Or sometimes it is the opposite, and she speaks to the boys normally, but then when she talks to DH, it is in the "sick voice". A couple times she has left messages in the same day, usually only a few minutes apart, and she apparently has forgotten which voice she was using, because one message will be in the "sick voice" and the other one will be in the "best mommy" voice.

Very odd!

Boys will be boys...

...or one would hope. BM has managed to turn SS2 into a perpetual victim. SS2 was born with his aorta wrapped around his esophagus, which was taken care of with surgery before his first birthday. Since then, BM has referred to SS2 as having a heart condition that somehow cripples him and limits what he can do. Once DH gained custody, we took SS2 (age 5 at the time) and his medical records to his pediatrician and confirmed with the doctor that there are NO long term issues regarding his health, that the issue was taken care of, and that he does not have a heart "condition". She has continued to treat SS2 as a victim, someone that needs continuous protection, and has never allowed him to be a "boy".

She takes him to the emergency room for the sniffles and tries to prevent custody exchange by saying DH would not give him his medicine.

She calls Poison Control at midnight because his legs got red when he was soaking in Epsom Salts for his poison ivy (which was recommended to us by the doctor). Why he was taking a bath at midnight, I still don't understand.

She has a hissy if SS2 and SS1 wrestle.

She called Child Protective Services on us because we had him stacking 8 pieces of wood in the sunroom by the stove this winter and he whined to her over the phone that he didn't want to do it and would "kill himself" if he had to keep doing it. She called DH and told him we were treating him like a slave (never mind the fact that we were the ones lugging the wood from the wood pile to the house).

She has made SS2 feel that he is weak, less than normal, and someone that requires extra protection from the rest of the world. It took us years to get him to try anything a little bit challenging or risky. He now has the ambition of a couch potato, gives up if anything is the least bit difficult, and constantly makes excuses for himself.

SS1 will never have a regular rough and tumble brotherly relationship with SS2. When SS2 gets a paper cut, he whines.

I feel sad for him, more than anything, because he's missed out on a lot. He doesn't climb trees, jump his bike, play football (only two-hand touch), or goof off with his brother. Why? Because he has a "heart condition" and has been taught by BM that he is unusually fragile.

Yet SS1's learning disability, which was identified by the school, has been completely ignored by her for years.

A broken toe and sex with the babysitter?

So it has officially been two weeks since SS2 left for the summer. He called DH last week to let him know his toe was broken. He stated his sister had rode in front of him and his foot got stuck in the spokes. Why he wasn't wearing shoes while riding his bike we'll never know! No worries, though, Dr. BM diagnosed it and all is well.

Each time DH has had an opportunity to talk to SS2, BM is always standing right there and takes the phone from him so DH is forced to talk to her, even though he has requested that she contact him in writing about any issues. This last time, her "emergency" that required her to talk to DH right away was to let DH know that a friend's daughter sometimes spends the night, but she wanted DH to know that SS2 and her were not sleeping in the same room and weren't having sex. Hello?????? SS2 got on the phone with DH and was like, "I don't know why she had to tell you that, like what am I gonna do?" This is a kid that finally had his first girlfriend in school this year (7th grade) and all they did was talk on the phone, they didn't even go "on a date". We are not talking about some horn-dog that obsesses about girls or is ready to whip out the condoms.

Today is Sunday, the day DH said he would regularly call SS2. Conveniently, Perpetual Fiance took BM's cell phone by mistake today, so we'll see if SS2 ever calls back.

PS - the one thing I asked SS2 before he left was to not call my cell phone while he was gone. I've already had to change my number, because BM would call mine when she couldn't get a hold of DH. What do you know, he calls the other day from her cell to mine, so now she's got my number again. The first time she calls it when he gets back, off I go to get a new number.

I love you and I love to guilt you!

The boys always enjoy getting mail. Usually it is magazine from a subscription or a card from one of the grandparents. SS1 gets a card from BM's mom this week. Starts off really sweet, and then, bam! in for the kill. I had the blessed honor of reading out loud to SS1 because he couldn't make out the cursive handwriting:

Dear SS1, Grandpa and I hope you're enjoying your summer so far. Enclosed is a little spending money and a picture of our new dog, Ali. She's growing fast and we're having a lot of fun with her. I talked with your Mom today and she's very sad that you haven't returned her calls. She misses you and I hope you change your mind to visit her. Enjoy the summer and be careful! Love Grandma and Grandpa

(Grandpa did not sign the card himself, and probably had no idea what written in it.)

Puleese! SS1 was all excited about the pic of the dog, and when I read the card to him, he just threw the picture down on the floor of the car and sighed. Never mind the fact that he had already talked to BM (see "Can't buy me love, love" entry on June 26th). So either BM is lying to her mom about talking to SS1 or Grandma is really as ruthless as we have always thought. I don't understand why she can't be a Grandma to him and stay out of all the drama?

Her husband does a much better job, and SS1 loves him to death. He never brings up the drama or places undue pressure on either of the kids. In fact, I think a small part of him wistfully wonders what his life would have been like if he had DH's courage to leave. If there is one character in this saga we feel sorry for, besides the kids, it is Grandpa. Not only is his daughter completely irrational, his wife supports it and often acts quite similar. He has always been cordial to DH, especially so when Grandma or BM are not within earshot. He's told DH that he is happy our business is doing well, that he trusts DH's judgment, and when SS1 called to thank him for the card, he suggested that DH, SS1, Uncle B (family friend), and he go to a b-ball game together the next time they are in former home state. It is almost as if he wants to be able to be alone with DH to unload something. He recently had a heart attack, and maybe he feels there are still things he wants to say to DH. Who knows? I do know SS1 would love having his Grandpa and DH together with him again.

Can't buy me love, love...

...Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy,
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.
- The Beatles


So SS1 just spoke to BM on the phone. After gushing about all the things SS2 has been doing, she asks SS1 if he is planning on coming for the week at Christmas (6 months away). He tries to be polite to her on the phone, as to be able to have some type of normal conversation with her, yet she insists on discussing this with him now, the first time he has talked to her in weeks. Then she puts SS2 on the phone to beg SS1 to come at Christmas. Then she guilts SS1 with how much his little sister misses him and how he can go to an indoor water park. He tries to end the conversation by telling her he'll think about it, instead of telling her how he really feels, which is scared to death that she is going to call the police on him again, and disgusted that she would say a little version of DH was not welcome in her house (which she wrote in an email a few months ago). So she goes to her last resort, "I'll give you $200.00 if you come."

SS1 got off the phone utterly disgusted. He did a good job keeping his cool, but he was so disappointed that he couldn't have a normal conversation with his mom, his brother or his sister. The whole time it was all about the drama - not "How are you? What's new?"

I don't get it.

Today's Reality

I thought I would be able to get all the past in before I started writing about the present, but as time slips through my fingers, I'm realizing I just need to write as it comes to me.

Today was the last counseling appt for SS2 before he leaves Saturday to visit BM in another state for 8 weeks. The longest he has stayed with her at one time in the last 8 years was 3 weeks, and that involved the police. Other than that, it has just been one or two weeks, or just weekends. Considering how the week at Christmas went, I'm very anxious about this summer. With the counselor we went over with him the following issues:

1) What to do at the airport if BM is not there when he lands (she has already warned him she might not be). Hello!!!!!! Arrive 45 minutes before the child lands, minimum. Good grief. We are going to practice with him what to do when we drop him off at our airport.

2) Strategies he can use when BM starts bashing DH or SS1 (who, is not going on the summer visit).

The counselor used a great analogy. Let's say SS2 is wearing blue shorts and BM tells him they are red. He may have to agree with BM that the shorts are red to keep the peace, but we want him to come home and still know the shorts are blue.

He also is going to try the "I don't know" strategy, since that is actually true and he doesn't know anything about why SS1 is not going and doesn't know anything about the many things in the past BM will bring up.

If these two don't stop her, he's got two back up plans.

Try to distract her, by talking about videogames or some TV show. She is easily distracted and often forgets what she was just talking about.

And finally, if all else fails, he's just gonna come right out and say that he is there to visit her, enjoy time with her, and what is going on with DH and her, or SS1 and her, has nothing to do with him.

3) We discussed what a police report is. Whenever she is angry, she brings up police reports. She has them on DH, SS1 and Perpetual Fiance. We explained that a police report is only a version of events written down by a police officer. There needs to be evidence that supports the report in order for there to be an arrest. Then there has to be a judge or jury that finds someone guilty or innocent based on evidence. None of BM's police reports have ever made it to this stage. Lack of evidence and credibility will do that!

4) We discussed how phone calls were going to go. DH will call him one day a week, Sunday, and if he is not there, that is ok. He can call us back when it is convenient for him. We will not be calling 15 times in a row, or yell at him if he does not call back instantly. We understand that he will be having fun and exploring a new place and that is ok. (This will totally take the power out of BM's hands, because I'm sure she's already planning on screening her calls and saying "your dad hasn't called in a while.")

5) We will not be crying at the airport when he leaves. That does not mean we love him any less. We also will not be calling him as soon as he gets to BM's and cry on the phone about how much we miss him and how we wish he didn't go. That does not mean we love him or miss him any less.

How sad is it that we have to do this to prepare a 13 year old to spend time with his mom?

Summer 2000, Part 1

Summer visitation got off to a rocky start. We drove to the state BM had just moved to with the boys, and slept in a parking lot because we were a bit early for the pick-up time. BM sent her Perpetual Fiance to drive around the parking lot to intimidate us. A half-hour late, the boys (ages 7 and 4) show up, running across the parking lot, with BM nowhere to be seen. She arrives 10 minutes later, walking across the parking lot, all smiles, as if she has just been crowned Miss America. DH talked to her for all of about 5 minutes and off we went.

The most disturbing part of the trip, to my home state to enjoy a week's vacation with my family (since we were already half-way there), involved SS1 asking DH why he didn't love them anymore, since he never called and stopped coming to pick them up. Bite your tongue.