It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Catch up:

*In mid Nov, hearing for DH's petition for contempt was scheduled for December 3rd.

*CPS case in BM's state was closed shortly after the hearing was set.

*DH received copy of CPS report in BM's state. BM denied ever having huffed with or without SS1 and SS2, but Perpetual Fiance admitted he was a huffer. CPS assessed a low risk, since BM stated they would now be buying whipped cream in a tub.

*December 2nd, DH's lawyer gets a call from the court clerk stating BM wanted a continuance because she wanted to make sure the judge had the CPS report and she had not submitted one yet. DH's lawyer let the clerk know that we had a copy we would be happy to submit to the court. BM's request for a continuance was denied. (Made her look pretty stupid that she was the one that wanted the court to have the report, yet DH was able to have his act together enough to already have a copy! Apparently she didn't care enough to get her copy ahead of time.)

*December 3rd, contempt hearing - parenting plan ordered this spring specifically states that neither parent will subject SS1 and SS2 to anyone doing illegal drugs, including either parent. Due to BM's contempt of this order by teaching the boys to huff from whipped cream containers, DH is asking for BM's parenting time to be suspended pending 1) Substance Abuse assessment, 2) Mental Health assessment, 3) Parenting classes, and 4) BM petitioning the court to hold another hearing to determine if parenting time should be reinstated.

-Judge heard from DH's attorney - he spoke for about 5 minutes recapping what had happened.

-Judge asked for info from our state's CPS who had interviewed the boys. We tried to get the report submitted, but BM had not signed the release yet (big surprise), so all the judge would allow the attorney to do is read parts into the record, since BM agreed to that verbally. Judge was not happy BM hadn't done anything to get the report released.

-Judge received CPS report from BM's state from DH's lawyer. This was able to be submitted because BM had already signed a release for her copy.

-Judge heard from BM (she always appears telephonically). 10 minute rant. Highlights include 1) her list of medical ailments (including mental health issues), 2) the high dose of Oxycontin she has been prescribed for the last 8 years (BM's words : I take so much Oxycontin, what do I need whipped cream for?) 3) She has "voluntarily" taken herself off of ALL her meds, and has been suffering weeks of withdrawal for the boys 4) DH takes her to court all the time (since divorce was final in 2002, we have only gone back 2x - once was a joint petition to allow DH to move out of state with the boys, and once was to have the parenting plan changed to meet our current state standards), basically, her first 10 minutes where spent playing the victim card.

-Judge hears from DH's attorney again. Short and sweet - both the boys reported the abuse to DH, CPS and our local police chief. There is no reason to believe the boys would not be telling the truth.

-Judge hears from BM again. Another 10 minute rant, (this time completely used to deflect and project, since victim wasn't working out well for her) which included using curse words in front of the judge, accusing SS1 and SS2 of smoking pot since they were 12 (which surprisingly she has never reported to authorities and forgot to mention to the GAL at the beginning of this year, hmmm), accusing SS1 of making this all up because he didn't want to go out at Christmas (she told the judge that she had told SS1 he had to either come for every day he has off, or not come at all. The current parenting plan leaves the travel plans up to the boys - they decide how much of their time they want to spend there. BM's ultimatum violates the parenting plan and very clearly shows that it is all about HER and not the boys). This last point peaked the judges interest enough to ask her a follow-up question. (Our suspicion is that it was to confirm what appeared to be his current perception that she is completely nuts and lying through her teeth.)

-Judge asks BM the follow up question, very simple. When did you have this conversation with SS1 that leads you to believe SS1 and SS2 made up the huffing allegations to get out of traveling to see you?

-BM stutters, hesitates, uhmms, and then states she'd have to look at her calendar. Judge asks could she tell him what month? Stutter, hesitation, uhmmms, it was September, the day before CPS came to see her.

***********BM just put the last nail in her coffin.***********

(Boys reported to CPS in August, CPS came to visit her in October.)

-Judge says that he'll take what she has to say into consideration, gets up and leaves the courtroom. Judge was pissed.

DH's lawyer was shocked. He'd never had a judge just get up and leave and not make a final address to both parties. After listening to her 20 minutes worth of rants of horrible accusations, we were all a bit overwhelmed. DH's lawyer didn't know what to make of it, and the waiting game began. After a week, an order still had not been made. After two weeks, an order was "in the system" but the clerk could give no further info. Finally, December 22nd, we finally hear from the lawyer - he received a copy of the order.

1) BM's parenting time is suspended, she is found in contempt.
2) BM is required to submit a Substance Abuse Assessment.
3) BM is required to petition the court for another hearing to determine if parenting time is reinstated.
4) Judge handwrites on the order that the court is NOT convinced that the children are lying.

So now the boys do not have to be sent back to BM until she gets the assessment, files it with the court, and requests another hearing. I don't see making traveling plans anytime soon!

While we are disappointed that the judge did not order the parenting classes DH requested, we are pleased that BM stated on record some of her mental health issues herself. She also admitted that Perpetual Fiance was a drug user, while in her mind deflected the attention off herself, but in reality, had she read the parenting plan closely enough, she would have realized that in itself was grounds for contempt. We don't believe for one minute that she did not huff with the boys, but if her admitting Perpetual Fiance does it was enough to tip the judge to issue the contempt, so be it. We are also quite pleased that BM's parenting time will not be reinstated until SHE completes several actions. With BM's history of follow-through, just about non-existent, we are quite confident that BM will drop the ball on reinstating parenting time herself. She's already told the boys they won't be coming for a year, so it seems she's not really in a hurry to get any of it done.

As well as court went for DH, we are extremely disappointed in the CPS investigation in her state. Our state's investigator was very concerned, but as BM lives in another state, his hands were tied. The investigator in BM's state sounded like she was fresh out of school when DH talked to her on the phone. Her report clearly indicates that she completely bought BM's story about not huffing with the children, and is completely naive if she thinks that anyone who admits to huffing whipped cream is now going to buy whipped cream in a tub. Whatever! The fact that BM's household was not required to receive some substance abuse assistance from CPS is horrible. The boys have a younger sister that is subjected to this everyday. And if BM and Perpetual Fiance haven't huffed with her yet, it won't be long.

Hopefully BM takes some time to get the help she needs, but with her parents constantly making excuses for her and provide for her (they told the boys they don't believe that the huffing happened, they pay for her phone, rent, travel, etc), a Perpetual Fiance that will constantly take the bullet for her, and a child (the boys younger sister) that has been programmed to never tell anything that happens at their house to anyone else, the chances of her ever getting better are pretty slim. SS1 turns 18 next October, so he won't have to deal with her "parenting time" anymore. SS2 will probably be 16 or older before he ever goes back, if he does at all. Aside from any retaliatory actions BM may take, which I'm sure will not amount to anything more than a pain in the ass, DH and I are finally able to breathe a sigh of relief after 10 years! We could not ask for a better present!

Anyone out there that is worried the chaos may never end, don't ever lose faith. Having spent almost 25% of my life dealing with BM's terrorism, having wondered myself if I was strong enough, if DH was strong enough, if the kids were strong enough to survive, I can tell you that focusing on whatever positive there is will get you through. Step by step, inch by inch, frustration after frustration, change can happen. While it may not come fast enough to save your children's childhood, every positive action you take to try to overcome will be one more piece of their lives you can claim back for them. Every injustice you bring to light will teach them they should not allow themselves to be abused.

A big shout out to Mister M at thepsychoexwife.com, and everyone on thepsychoexwife.com forums for all the support, encouragement, strategy assistance and humor! Without finding this group of wonderful people all suffering through emotional terrorism of their own, I don't know if DH and I would have had the strength to continue the struggle.

Thank you, Perpetual Fiance!

So apparently Perpetual Fiance has gained control in his own home. Instead of being BM's lapdog and allowing himself to be forced into continuing BM's chaos by making phone threats to DH, he has actually put his foot down. After BM's hysterical verbal beating on SS1 this afternoon, Perpetual Fiance left SS1 a message, letting him know that BM's behavior was inappropriate and that the boys should not be worrying about anything. He then intercepted SS2's call with BM to lay down the same ground rules. Finally! Don't know where this sense of clarity has come from, but the boys certainly appreciate the support. DH knows exactly what this man deals with on a day to day basis with BM, and we've always wanted to have his back should he need our support, but it has been difficult to help when he's made it clear he has been forced to protect his own parental interests with his daughter by doing BM's bidding.

Hopefully, Perpetual Fiance is realizing that only if BM is held accountable for her actions will she ever see the need to get help. (Hopefully for his daughter's sake, he's realizing this sooner than later.)

And the only way that is going to happen is if everyone that interacts with her gets on the same page with us and says enough is enough. Everyone needs to stop allowing her to make DH her scapegoat for why she can treat her children like emotional dart boards. The boys are not her personal therapists. The boys are not her friends. Last week she had the urge to fill some emotional vacuum in her own life by sending SS2 (14) a card that one would give an adult. And I quote "When you were growing up, I knew that one day we would talk like friends - like adults. Now that time is here..." HE'S 14!!! That time is not here, he's not done growing up, he shouldn't be talked to like he's an adult. Sadly, she's been treating them like her adult friends since they were very young. DH hasn't prevented BM from being a parent to the boys, she has vacated the role all on her own. And the only way she can reclaim any sense of parental authority with them after this summer's huffing incident is to take responsibility and reclaim her title as a parent.


But instead she thinks DH is just supposed to make excuses for her behavior and pretend it didn't happen? What kind of parent would he be then? And what chance would the boys have of making any sense of this world? And how safe would the boys be in her care if she is given no limits?


BM has caused enough pain in enough people's lives. It is time she gets the help she needs to appreciate the people in her life who want to see her have positive relationships with those that care about her. For the boys' well-being, we will settle for nothing less.

Over the hills, through the woods, it's off to court we go...

DH talked to the caseworker in BM's state. The case is still open. All the other times cases have been opened on BM, they have been closed in a matter of weeks. We are going on to the fourth month now. Obviously there is something else going on over there...perhaps the level of domestic discord in the house? ...perhaps prescription drug addiction? ...perhaps BM's unstable mental health? One can only guess, these are just the things we have experienced - who knows what goes on when the boys aren't there that we don't even know about. The caseworker made it very clear that she does not see the case closing anytime soon - that was all she would tell him. Confidentiality, ya know. WTF? DH is supposed to send two kids to her house and he doesn't have the right to know what is going on there?

DH filed the contempt petition (for the huffing) almost two weeks ago, he's still waiting on a hearing date to serve on BM. It will be very interesting to see how she reacts with the eagle eyes of CPS on her. He's asking the judge to suspend her parenting time (ugh, it makes me just want to gag using that phrase, she is so far from a parent!) until the CPS case is closed, and then require BM to petition the court to resume her time after copies of the report are furnished to the judge and DH, and after a hearing is held. I can't believe we finally have enough to take to court, and BM did it all to herself.

I'll keep you posted as we find out more. As always, the waiting game begins...

Whip-it, whip-it good.

SS1's week trip was midway through SS2's 6 week trip. Shortly after we picked SS1 up from the airport, DH and SS1 took a road trip to visit DH's parents. DH called me from the road - he'd about had it. SS1 had spent 4 hours complaining about his trip. It would take hours to type up all of it, and almost all of it we can't do anything about anyway. However...

...DH starts asking me about whip-its. I'm like, what? He had no idea either, he just said SS1 was pissed about it. So on the internet I go. Ready for this?

Whip-its: using a whipped cream can to suck out the gas which dispenses the whipped cream to get high. In other words, HUFFING. We'd talked to the boys about huffing in the past, but in relation to chemicals like cleaning products or stuff you would find in a garage. But we hadn't even heard of using whipped cream containers.

When DH and SS1 got back from their trip a couple weeks later, we talked to SS1 about it some more. Apparently, SS1 asked BM why there were 8 empty whipped cream containers in her fridge. She then proceeds to tell the boys how cool it is, shows them how to do it, and tells them that her and Perpetual Fiance do it often. Then she tells them to try it. WTF?

As if that wasn't enough, she bought SS1 a pack of cigarettes!

After the shock of it all wore off, DH and I got some advice from several sources. We talked to a couple close friends - same reaction as ours. We talked to our local police chief, who had gotten to know SS1 very well right after his friend's suicide. He offered to come over to the house with the DARE officer to discuss the dangers with the boys, which they followed through on. Did you know you can die instantly from huffing? Of course, MOTY told the boys it was safe because it is the same gas they use at the dentist. Ummmm, I'm pretty sure dentists are licensed to administer that drug. I also posted on a message board I regularly frequent, and the responses were quite in line with what we were planning. After SS2 arrived home, we contacted CPS. Both boys told the investigator what had happened, and we stressed to the boys this was not about getting their mom in trouble, but protecting their sister. If SS1 was there a week and witnessed the huffing, imagine how often their sister sees it happening! She's 8. Even SS2 at 14 didn't realize how serious this is. DH and I would feel awful if we knew that was going on there and something tragic happened. Because we are in different states, the investigation is still ongoing, and of course the Friday before the Monday we talked to the investigator BM left a message on DH's phone saying they are moving back to FormerHomeState, and then moving to one of two other states. So she's on the move, and it may take a while for CPS to catch up to her.

She has not yet given us her new address, so the boys will not be making any trips anytime soon. We're sure she is expecting them at Christmas, but if the case is still open when it is time to make the travel arrangements (early November), we will be doing what we need to do in court to make sure they do not go. Our lawyer finds it very unlikely that the Marital Master would force a trip with an open case with CPS regarding drug use, especially since it is against our court order. Huffing is also against the law in BM's state where this happened, a misdemeanor to do it, a felony to supply chemicals to another to do it. She did both. If there is a CPS finding, criminal charges may follow shortly.

Or, things could go as they usually do when dealing with a PEW, everyone looks the other way...

Anyone seen my drugs?

So, in addition to the info about the disorderly conduct arrest, there were a few other interesting police reports. The police had been called a couple times to deal with prescription drug issues. One call must have been made by a neighbor because BM was mid-rant when the cop showed up. Perpetual Fiance was extremely calm, as the officer made a point of mentioning how calm he was and how out of control BM was. She was ranting about Perpetual Fiance flushing her prescription meds down the toilet.

The other call was BM reporting that Perpetual Fiance had stolen her medicine a few months apart from the other incident. This officer actually called her Dr. about it. Guess what the Dr. said. He's not surprised, that this is not the first time BM has told him stories about things happening to her prescriptions.

Guess what the police did? Nada.

Now we know that BM's parents have already tried to detox her a couple times because they told us. We suspect she has multiple doctors with multiple prescriptions, and they don't know about each other. Pain killers are her passion. When the boys were younger, they would comment about how one whole cabinet in the kitchen was filled with orange bottles. BM conveniently made a point of telling DH before Christmas that Perpetual Fiance would not be around during the boys' time out there, as he was trying to get off prescription drugs and she couldn't handle having him around (she told the boys he was looking for a job in another state). Now that is calling the kettle black. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if Perpetual Fiance HAD to drug himself to get through a day with her. But make no mistake about it, BM is the addict. Can you say projection? DH and I think things were not going well between BM and Perpetual Fiance, and she made some kind of deal with him that if he would get lost for a week or so, she'd (fill in the blank with any unkept promise). She could not afford to have an incident while the boys were there as we were mid-case in court. She could sleep the days away and no one would be on her case. SS1 and SS2 spent a lot of time playing with their sister outside when BM wasn't "feeling" good. You get the picture.

And what do you know - a couple days after the boys left, Perpetual Fiance was back. Surprise, Surprise.

Disorderly Conduct

After pre-trial, some information came light that we needed to investigate. Apparently Perpetual Fiance had been arrested and charged with Disorderly Conduct. We frequently check the state's online court records databases for whichever state BM happens to be living in at the moment. Only found things a few times, but lo and behold, we had a hit again this spring. We called the local police dept to get the police report from the incident, and come to find out, there have been several calls to BM's address since she has been in this state. So we requested copies of all of them. The only one we could not get was the one regarding the disorderly conduct, as it was still an open case. So we fired off a letter to the judge in the case, letting him know that there were minor children that visited the home and that DH had concerns about their safety, that we were unable to get a report from the police, and would his Honor be willing to release the info to DH. A couple weeks later, we get a letter from the judge, along with copies of the charges and description about what happened. The funny part was, the judge cc'd Perpetual Fiance and the DA, which of course is only proper. Not surprisingly, once BM found out we found out about what was going on in the house, settlement came very quickly!

According to the report, Perpetual Fiance had gone out to have some drinks, apparently stayed out past his "curfew", BM starts arguing with him when he gets home and threatens to call the police (which is her first line of attack when she doesn't get what she wants). Perpetual Fiance grabbed the phone from her, BM claims he hit her in the face, and then she proceeds to actually call the cops on him. The officer was very explicit about the fact that SS1 and SS2's 8 year old sister was hysterical when the officer arrived and had heard the whole argument. Perpetual Fiance arrested (in the state they live in, if the police come out to your house for a disturbance, someone MUST go to jail). The report was taken in the wee hours of the morning, I wouldn't doubt on a school night. I'm sure SS1 and SS2's sister had a great day at school the next day. Not surprisingly, once BM made her point (don't you dare do anything I disapprove of or I will make you pay), she tried to have the charges dropped, but, alas, that just wasn't in the cards. Perpetual Fiance had to go to court, they put the case on file, which means as long as he does his "Anger Management" and stays out of trouble for a year, the charges go away.

Of course, we have no idea what really happened that night, but from our experiences and more specifically DH's experiences with her, we have a pretty good guess. Perpetual Fiance had had enough of her shit, went out with some friends, came home too late for her liking, she laid in on him and threatened this and that, and then when he DARED to pull the phone away from her because she was over-reacting, her lesson teaching instincts went into overdrive. What is stupid about the whole situation is that 1) she should have been the one spending the night in jail, 2) Perpetual Fiance is an adult and can go out and have a few drinks whenever he wants to, 3) and Mommy of the Year awards typically do not go out to mothers of 8 year olds up in the wee hours of the morning being subjected to their mother's tirades.

Regardless...it was clear that nothing bad enough happened to make any difference with the boys' trips out there.

Winter Break Update 2

On the 10th, BM leaves a message for DH saying that she has a solution for what is going on. We're not sure if she is talking about the copy of the ID we need or the whole court thing because she of course made the message as vague as possible to force us to feign interest by contacting her. So DH emailed her back a few hours later asking what was on her mind. NO RESPONSE. He even tried to Skype Chat her, but nothing. WTF? Why would you go to the trouble of making a call that you have no intention of following through on? She did have time to leave a message for the boys, though. Go figure. Sooo, 7 days left for her to get the info to us or SS2 doesn't go. I can't believe she is going to make this drama right before the holiday! After this visit, only 8 more visits to arrange and we are DONE!

DH and I had a good laugh last night. We were commenting about how she hasn't responded. We thought, 'She must have realized she was acting rational and called for psychiatric help!' Wouldn't that be ironic? She acts off the wall all the time, and a moment of some clarity scares the crap out of her and she commits herself because something is not quite right. We were rolling on the floor! Not that we in any way think mental illness is funny, just the irony of how some Borderline/Narcissistic types think there is nothing wrong with them and they don't get help, and that thinking clearly would be as strange for them as a psychotic episode would be for us.

Winter Break Update 1

Still no copy of her ID (to let Midwest know since SS2 is flying as an unaccompanied minor). She has until the 20th, but since it has been almost a month since we told her about it, we figured we'd send a reminder today.



Prediction of how this is going to play out:

We hear nothing from her until SS2's flight is canceled, then she will say she sent it/faxed it, but of course will have no proof of such.



Thinking we will probably have our lawyer call her around the 16th or so, to see if he can get anywhere with it.

If you only got to see your kids 2 times a year, would you not make a huge effort to make sure things go smoothly? I just don't get it!

Like talking to a brick wall...

So we sent the proposed flight schedule for BM to agree to. She received it on 11/3. She leaves DH a voicemail message about how she is tired of getting harassed by him, that she called the clerk and there is nothing filed from the hearing and he needs to stop sending her things, that she got "legal advice" and she doesn't have to put up with it, and that she is sending the confirmation back because she did agree to it (even though she doesn't think she has to since the paperwork is not yet "in the file").

11/7 - another voice mail stating that she is sending back the confirmation.

11/8 - her 5 days are up, no confirmation!

11/12 - still no confirmation, we book the flight. Since she has dragged this whole thing on for so long, the original flight on the 23rd is no longer available. So we can either have the boys fly at 6 am or the night before, either way they will miss school on the 23rd. So we opt for the evening of the 22nd. The return flight for SS2 was cheaper on 1/2 than it was for the original date of 1/4, and since she is getting an extra day on the 22nd, we opted for SS2 coming back 1/2. She's gonna bitch, but she had her opportunity to respond and she chose not to. So, in less than 15 days from the hearing, we already get to test out our order ; )

We'll be sending her the flight info tomorrow, I can just imagine the voice mails we'll get. The beauty of Midwest Airlines, though, is only the person purchasing the ticket can make changes. So she'll either have to send us the $ upfront, or purchase her own ticket if she wants to mess around with any dates. Thankfully, Midwest does not just automatically charge the purchasing credit card when changes are made, which was my fear. They do, however, have a stupid policy about not being able to pay the unaccompanied minor fee at the time of purchase. So, since SS2 will be flying as an unaccompanied minor on the way home, we have to send a check/money order written out to Midwest for BM to give to them before he boards.

Another interesting point about the unaccompanied minor issue is that only the purchaser can update the airline with the info for who is picking up/dropping off the child. The info must match the photo id of the person picking up/dropping off. Soooo, we have to get a copy of her DL to see what address she has listed. What do you want to bet it is still FormerHomeState? What do you bet she doesn't send us the info? SS2 will not be able to fly if she doesn't, so if we don't get it by the 22nd, he'll have to stay home. Do you think she'll push this envelope? - yup!

PS - the judge filed the order on 11/4, so even if we go by that date, she still did not make her 5 day deadline.

In his order, the MM states: The court assumes her objection to the Petition of Modification, but she will be required to file a written Answer to the allegations in that Petition.

Do you think she will file it? Nope.

MM also states: She is requested to file her updated Financial Affidavit, Proposed Parenting Plan, and Pretrial Statement in advance of the pretrial conference. She is reminded that when she files something with the court she is required by Rule to mail a copy to counsel for Mr. DH, and required to certify on the filing that she has done so.

Do you think she will do any of this? Nope.

And I hope it royally pisses the MM off.

Pretrial is set for 1/22, by which the GAL needs to have a preliminary report.

We also got the name of the GAL assigned to our case. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Oh, what a happy day!

TA DAH!

I'm back. We had a hearing today, hence the lack of blogging for about a month. Didn't want anything out there in the internet world, just in case.

The initial petition was filed to Register a Foreign Order. DH filed back in August, when we had concerns because she was threatening not to return SS2 from his summer visit. BM played the "the certified letter notices fell under my stairs" routine, so he had to have her personally served. Hearing was set for today. After SS2 came back, and we had to go through the drama regarding his medical care, DH decided enough was enough, and he filed a Petition to Determine Jurisdiction and Motion to Modify Court Order, along with a revised proposal for a parenting plan. He may not get everything he asked for, but he figured if he is going back to court, he might as well try.

So today we had no idea what the marital master (MM) was going to address. The clerk had told us that he would only hear issues regarding registering the order. We also did not know if BM would be appearing as she never returned the Notice of Appearance that she was served.

We show up to court today, and sure enough, she is appearing on the phone. The MM enters, swears everyone in, and off we go.

1) The first thing he addressed was jurisdiction (so glad DH filed that : ).

MM asks BM if she was in agreement that the boys had lived in OurNewState since May of 2007. She started venting about how HerNewState should have jurisdiction, and that she was in the process of trying to get that. So the MM asked her again, Ms. BM, do you agree... Finally she said yes. He asked her if there were any pending hearings in any state. She goes on again about how she was planning to get HerNewState to take jurisdiction. Again, he asks her if anything is pending, she says no.

MM asks her if she in fact moved to HerNewState at the beginning of 2008. Again she vents about how HerNewState should have jurisdiction. So the MM asked her again, Ms. BM, do you agree that you moved at the beginning of 2008... Finally she said yes...and then vents some more. MM explained to her that only OurNewState or FormerHomeState could possibly have jurisdiction. There are no circumstances where her state could claim jurisdiction. MM determines that OurNewState has jurisdiction. STRIKE ONE!

2) MM registered the order.

3) MM assigned a GAL. Total surprise at first, since we did not request it, but thinking about what we had asked for in the Motion to Modify Court Order (including her not slapping SS1 in the face as discipline and calling the police before giving DH a chance to get him home), it appears that MM read between the lines and understands how involved this situation is. Then BM acts all happy, and states that "all I wanted was a GAL", as if it was her idea. STRIKE TWO!

(She has no idea how horrendous this will be for her. Not only are we looking forward to her rambling on with accusations that don't make any sense to any rational person, we are so looking forward to speaking to the GAL ourselves and showing our documentation, as well as having the GAL speak to the boys. While we are aware that some GAL's just don't get it in custody cases where primary custody is being determined, chances are very slim that the GAL is not going to be able to see what is going on, since DH has had custody for over 8 years now and she is still acting the same way she always has, and we are sure that just as the MM has concerns about the case, the GAL will as well. Of course we will be stuck with the bill, since she is never responsible for anything, but the joy of us reading the report will be worth every penny.)

3) After ordering the GAL, MM asked if there were any other motions he should be addressing. We had a feeling that MM would not be addressing our Motion to Modify a Court order at this hearing, so our attorney presented a Temporary Order as follows:

Transportation arrangements for the children between the parents shall be as follows: DH will notify BM in writing the dates of the children's winter and summer vacations at least 45 days prior to the first day of each vacation. BM shall respond in writing within five days indicating the days she would like the children to travel to and from her residence, and DH shall make airline reservations for the children which conform to BM's request as nearly as possible. If no response is received within five days, DH shall select the dates the children will travel and purchase appropriate airplane tickets. If BM seeks to change travel times/dates selected through either method, she shall be responsible for all costs associated with said changes. If changes to the travel schedule are required due to inclement weather, both parties shall seek to cause the children to travel earlier than later, in order to reduce the chance of the children being required to wait at an airport for extended periods of time.

In order for SS1 to be able to drive while visiting BM, BM must insure SS2 on her own policy.

MM asks BM if she has any objections to the order and she says no! STRIKE THREE! What the heck??? That is all we asked for this summer, but it was too much for her to agree to. Are you kidding me? She's trying to look like the "cooperative" one, but voicemails don't lie! The driving thing we threw in because there is no way we are paying to have her car fixed with her lack of supervision. Plus our concern is that she could get in a wreck while SS1 was there and say he was driving. Who would the insurance company believe? Her or a 16 year old new driver?

4) MM asks if there are any other motions to be considered. BM pipes up and goes on a 6-7 minute tirade about me!!! How I send her harassing letters, how DH has to ask me if any changes are made, rattles off several of her medical issues, how she offered to pay to change the flight and how his petition makes her look like she was not financially able to return the boys, how she hasn't wanted to, but she has had to show the kids court documentation to "defend herself", brings up the issue about HerNewState should be able to have jurisdiction because of her health issues, blah, blah, blah. Even though he didn't physically do it, I could see the MM mentally rolling his eyes. As she never took a breath during the whole 6-7 minute rant, he was unable to get a word in, even after several attempts. He finally flat out interrupted her and said, "These are all things you can discuss with the GAL." He was probably thanking his lucky stars he had just assigned a GAL. Our attorney stated to the MM that of course we had rebuttal statements for the allegations she was making, but that this was obviously not the time to bring them before the MM. I swear the MM smirked the smallest of smirks and stated that DH's right to rebuttal would be ensured. MM then closed the hearing and walked out. Oh, happy day!

What makes us overjoyed is that we are sure BM is sitting there already thining of all the things she is going to tell the GAL. She is going to be so worked up by the time she talks to the GAL she is going to come off as completely off her rocker. She can't help herself.

She is going to drag up things from 10 years ago, from even before their separation, that has nothing to do with the boys' welfare now. She can't help herself.

Just as she leaves messages contradicting herself all the time, she will be unable to have a conversation with the GAL without doing that. She can't help herself.

Just as she (usually) starts off a conversation calm, she works herself up to the point that she is screaming/crying/cursing by the end. She can't help herself.

Hope this GAL is ready - it is going to be quite a ride. Finally, someone to share the chaos with ; )

Pretrial Conference will be scheduled within 90 days, so shortly after Winter Break. Do you think she can be on her best behavior for the whole 12 days of their visit (I bet not!). By the conference the GAL's report should be done, and we'll see where we stand. It should all be sorted out by summer, and DH is seriously considering asking for the boys to only go out there for half of the summer, since both of them have complained about the whole summer thing in counseling. We'll see.

We're hoping things will continue to be quiet, as we haven't heard a peep from her since she was served, but old habits die hard, and I'm sure she'll have to vent to DH about something!

It will also be interesting to see how she handles this with the boys. We didn't say anything to them about going back to court, but after she was served, she felt the need to call the boys and tell them that DH was trying to kill her (you know, stress and all those medical conditions). The boys came out of their room pissed and let us know what she said. SS1 also said she wouldn't be able to send him the birthday money she promised him because she needed to get a lawyer (funny, she appeared pro se today), and didn't even send him a birthday card. SS2 told us that BM had interrogated him almost daily for the rest of the summer about whether he had told DH about the emergency room visit, and he was getting tired of having to lie and tell her no, because he just wanted the rest of the visit to go smooth. I am sure that she will not be able to go for any length of time without telling the boys about the GAL, and what things they should "remember" to tell the GAL. I'm sure that won't make the GAL happy and I know it won't make the boys happy to have to listen to her regurgitate every hateful thing she has ever said to them about DH.

Whew - that was a lot. I'll keep you posted on any new developments : )

The test of her newfound "rational thinking"...

Letter being sent tomorrow:

I received your numerous and lengthy voice mails from September 9, 2008, however, none of them offered any solutions to the issues I asked you to respond to in my letter of August 22, 2008:

Please explain your plans to communicate in a more timely manner regarding the boys medical care, as well as your plans to ensure that in the future neither of the boys are stranded away from your home in BMHomeState without any means to return at the scheduled time and place.

This leads me to believe that you are unwilling to offer any solutions to the problems experienced this summer with your parenting time with SS2.

Enclosed you will find a letter which needs to be signed and returned to me by September 27th, confirming that you are in agreement with my proposed solutions to the problems. Upon receipt of your agreement, flight reservations will be made. Without your written agreement by the 27th, I will have to entertain other options to ensure the boys’ well-being during your parenting time.


Winter 2008 Flight Arrangements:
The first day of Winter Vacation is December 24, 2008. The last day of Winter Vacation is January 4th.

I would like SS2 to arrive _______________________ (date) and depart _________________ (date).
I would like SS1 to arrive _______________________ (date) and depart _________________ (date).


All Future Parenting Time, starting with Winter 2008:
Travel Arrangements:
I, BM, am aware that once I have agreed to flight dates, no changes will be made to original flight reservations. Any changes in dates/times/locations must be agreed upon in writing, and I am responsible for providing my own flight reservations and purchasing tickets. The boys will not travel outside BMHomeState, unless I have the financial ability to purchase tickets, or secure some other form of transportation, to ensure their return to OurHomeState on the date scheduled.

It is my responsibility to monitor the weather and determine if circumstances require the boys to leave early to avoid any flight cancellations, as I did during my parenting time in the summer of 2008. Should I notify you of such an event, you will be responsible for changing any flights to arrange for the boys travel back to OurHomeState.

Medical Care:
It is my responsibility to notify you immediately of any visits the boys may have to the Emergency Room or any other health care provider. If the situation is not immediately LIFE THREATENING, I will consult with you before seeking medical care. If the situation is life threatening, I will notify you upon arrival at the hospital, with a description of the incident, hospital name and phone number, and confirmation that insurance information has been provided to the medical provider.

Discipline:
I will notify you if either of the boys need to return to OurHomeState early due to discipline issues instead of physically striking either of them or seeking police intervention. You will be responsible for any changes in flight arrangements should such an event occur.

___________________________________ _______________
Signature Date

Are you surprised?

She missed the deadline to offer any solutions. She left 5 messages on the 9th, each message filling up the alloted voice mail space, so she kept getting cut off and had to call back. I'd give you a verbatim, but frankly, I don't have the time or energy to transcribe over 45 minutes of ramblings. I'll bullet the major points of interest.

Mssg 1 (sick voice which turns into crying voice)
*she misunderstood about his thyroid, and only came to this realization after her father explained it to her (so glad someone in her world is paying attention)

*she has had to go through so much with her health and SS2 takes after her, so he must have health problems, so he should be tested just to find out (what a sick way to try to find common ground with your child)

Mssg 2 (sick voice)
*claims ER Dr lied in his report (yeah, like he had nothing better to do)

*said it was SS2's CHOICE to go the emergency room (who's the adult?)

*said it was SS2 that asked her not to call DH about the ER visit (funny, 'cause SS2 was the one that called us and told us about it in the wee hours of the morning)

Mssg 3 (voice coming back to normal, slight twinge of haughtiness)

*still bringing up the Spring Break issue (see previous posts for that bundle of joy)

*she lists the medications she has been on (this I gotta quote) "Look at the side effects of the medication I'm on. It causes 'roid rage, it causes psychotic episodes." (yup, she actually admitted it)

*she is no longer taking the medications, because they are obviously "causing too many problems" (again, no responsibility for her actions)

Mssg 4 (sick voice coming back, going full throttle into "feel sorry for me" mode)

*all her health issues are what caused her to "snap at SS1", "there are things, and SS2 saw it for himself, that there was unnecessary disrespect" (hell has frozen over, you mean all the things she denied ever happening really did happen?)

(she almost had me here, and then she lost it)

*neither DH or I understand what it is like to have a child grow inside of us, and they are part of her body (strange how we can understand how to relate to them and parent them, though)

*we took them away and ripped her heart out (odd how she doesn't remember fleeing the FormerHomeState with the children, which is what allowed DH to get Temp Custody in the first place, she had no problem ripping his heart out when he didn't know where they were for months!)

*it's just not fair that she has to miss out on them growing up just because of her health (she really doesn't get why she doesn't have custody of them! she really doesn't understand how HER actions led to what happened)

*she admits that we have done a good job with the boys and they are doing very well (finally, the recognition we have been living for, NOT!)

*she wants DH to stop sending her the letters by FedEx because she is off her medicine right now and she can "rationalize everything" (can't tell from these messages)

*she says the boys are part of "both of us" (so you mean DH did have a hand in creating them, they didn't spring virginally from "her body")

*it is going to be a better situation, now that she is not on her meds anymore (that is wishful thinking! she had these issues long before she became disabled and started taking her shopping list of medications)

*she's made mistakes and said things she really didn't mean (hard to tell at this point what things she means and what she doesn't)

*now she wants SS1 to come at least for a week so she can see him (you mean use as an emotional punching bag?)

Mssg 5 (very snotty voice)

*she can't imagine me having the "luxury" to go see a therapist just to deal with everyday life, and that I should have her problems to see what real problems are (hello, your actions are the only problems I need to see a therapist for)

*she wants to have a normal relationship with them, her health has come in the way, it is not her fault (the story of her life)


She really expects a free pass, as if DH is going to call her and tell her that she can do whatever she wants and treat people however she wants and we'll all give her an "excuse" note. She really thinks these messages show how she has a complete understanding of why things are the way they are, yet in fact, her comments only highlight how disjointed her reasoning is. The erratic changes in her voice, the contradictions from one minute to another, the continued fantasy that she is not responsible for anything, and yet deserves having everyone bend to her illogical thinking because she is the "mother". I used to think she was a spiteful person that spent her time thinking of ways to mess with us, and that one day she may get over it and things could be better. These messages have just confirmed for me that she does live in an alternate reality and things are never going to change. No matter what she does or says to hurt people, she will always see herself as the victim.

Response to BM re: Summer Chaos

SS2 has visited his primary care physician, whose information I supplied to you in a letter dated 8/6/2008. Below is a summary of your allegations and the actual facts.

Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 4:07 pm
...I had to take him in because it swelled up his airway...it doesn’t look like it went down to normal...when he was 10 he was supposed to have either a barium swallow or a bronchioscope, but they put a scope down and he couldn’t get down far enough with it, and said he needs to have it done...

SS2’s airway was wide open, all structures were of normal appearance, there was no difficulty during the exam with the scope. This information is from Dr. ER’s report.
Dr. ER did not say that SS2 needed to have any tests done. The following are direct quotes from an email Dr. ER sent to me, dated 8/7/2008, regarding the care he provided SS2. “I did not request any of the testing you mentioned in your letter.” “If I would have wanted any further testing it would have been arranged at the time of visit.”
There is no recommendation from any of the doctors that saw SS2 that there should be any testing done at age 10. In fact, when I spoke with Dr. LongTimeAgo on 8/12/2008, his attending physician at the time of the surgery, she stated she had never heard of such a recommendation.

...I paid for the emergency room visit...

When I contacted the emergency room billing department, you had not given them the insurance information I supplied to you before SS2’s visit, nor was any payment made.

Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 5:58 pm
...when he had his heart surgery, they nicked his thyroid...

SS2 did not have heart surgery, he had a vascular ring surgery. His post-operative report shows that his thyroid was not in fact “nicked”.

Voicemail from BM, July 27, 2008 8:00 pm
...you better get SS2 the right health attention that he needs, because you have not done it and that is your job. You took that responsibility on when you took me to court. So you better get him into that doctor and have those tests done because if you don’t, I will report you. So you better do it.

From your behavior this summer and in the past regarding SS2’s medical care, there is good reason why I am the primary custodial parent. Your scare tactics to make SS2 think there is something wrong with him and that I am not providing adequate medical care cause me great concern for SS2’s well being while in your care. Your unwillingness to notify me of his trip to the emergency room until 12 days after it happened, as well as your attempt to have SS2 seen for these supposedly “recommended” tests with Dr. H at Physicians Pediatrics on 8/17/2008 without any notification to me also causes me concern. In addition, your misrepresentation about what medical professionals have said regarding SS2’s medical care is irresponsible. Your continued threats are not in anyway helpful to the boys and hold no weight as far as what medical care the boys will receive. Dr. Primary Care is NOT recommending any further testing for SS2, and I have requested that he be referred to a nutritionist so that he can understand more fully how his eating choices are impacting his weight.

Finally, your attempts to use “reports” to try to show any negligence on my part only further document your unstable mental state. You stated to Dr. ER, as noted in his report, that SS2 was supposed to have a formal endoscopic exam at age 10 and that it did not happen. You also stated that we are separated and there are custody issues. Please be aware, the reality is that no recommendations were made for any testing of SS2 at age 10 (and it seems strange to me that you would wait until he was 13 before you made any mention of it), we are divorced, not separated, and there are no custody issues, I am the primary custodial parent and you are the non-custodial parent. You are more than within your rights to file a petition to request any changes to this situation, but implying that there already are considerations being made by the court is inaccurate.

Your last minute attempt to further disparage me with Dr. ER, through your requested “Addendum” to the ER report regarding my telling SS2 he was not to go to the emergency room, and your attempt to imply that he was upset and tearful because of this, shows your willingness to cause the boys discomfort to achieve your own gains. SS2, his counselor and I did discuss what possible things he may have to deal with during his visit with you. One of SS2’s concerns was “emergency room visits”, due to your behavior in the past. We discussed some examples of things that would require emergency room attention, and what would not. SS2 clearly understood that your overreaction to his choking on the ice was not an emergency. Before you left your house, the ice had become dislodged and he was able to speak. Yes, he may have had some discomfort for a bit after, trying to catch his breath, as anyone does when liquid or food “goes down the wrong pipe”, but he was in no way at risk for permanent injury. Instead of blaming his anxiety on me, it may have been more appropriate to call me and let me know what was going on, so that I could reassure him. But it clearly was not your intent to have him reassured at all. In fact, you went to great lengths to use a common occurrence to somehow show there was something wrong with both SS2 and me. You have only showed again your poor judgement when the boys are in your care.

In regards to your taking SS2 out of YourNewHomeState to visit your parents, it also concerns me that you would remove SS2 from YourNewHomeState without the appropriate financial means to send him home. While our agreement states that I am responsible for travel expenses to your home, I am not responsible for changing flights to suit your travel plans, which were made after our agreed flight plans.

I am requesting you respond to this letter in writing or by leaving a voicemail message by September 15, 2008. Please explain your plans to communicate in a more timely manner regarding the boys medical care, as well as your plans to ensure that in the future neither of the boys are stranded away from your home in YourNewHomeState without any means to return at the scheduled time and place.

Will any of it make sense to her? Not a chance. Will she respond as DH requested? Not a chance. Although she did call incessantly for about 20 minutes when the FedEx was delivered. No message though.

You can never know...

SS2 is coming home tonight!

This morning BM called, sick voice and all, wanting to make sure that we didn't "misunderstand" her message the other day, that they were trying to get a lawyer for her dad, not for her. Gee, wonder what would make us think that? Maybe the nasty message she left us? And her dad's lawyer was going to get her an "excuse" note from the courts to not send SS2 home on time? Reality just changed folks before your very eyes.

Then she says that because of the hurricane coming, and because SS2 wants to see his friends, she wants to get him out early. Apparently that is what it takes to get her to think about her child - a hurricane stronger than herself.

So we emailed her at her parents with the first non-stop flight information for tonight, and said we weren't booking it until she responded via email confirming that he would be on the flight. This is her response:

Yes! that is fine. I will have SS2 at the airport at that time. Thank you for understanding about my dad. You know I would do the same if you went through this with your parents.

It is as if none of the crap she has said the last few weeks even happened. I'm glad we make her leave messages, or DH and I would think we just had nightmares everyday and that none of it really happened. How she can get from demanding that SS2 stay longer, to sending him home early is beyond me.

I'll let you guys know tomorrow if SS2 is actually back tonight! Keep your fingers crossed!

We are so ready for this summer visit to be over!

Ramping Up

So BM leaves another message after we talk to SS2 and says she's going to an attorney on Monday to get an "excuse" note from the courts so she doesn't have to send SS2 home on the 20th (now she has to help her dad fill out disability paperwork since he just got laid off and she's an expert on disability paperwork). I hope the free legal aid lawyer has a clue. FormerHomeState isn't the home state anymore and it is now her responsibility to get SS2 home, since she is choosing not to use the reservation already made for him. Her dad must be doing really bad because he took SS2 golfing yesterday and tomorrow they are going to a professional football pre-season game. Wonder what lies she is going to tell the lawyer?

And the winner is...

Option 1!

Just got a message from BM stating that her father lost his job, and she has to stay to help him fill out paperwork, so she is staying and DH can have her arrested, but she would do this for DH if something happened to his parents.

Whatever! She isn't even having SS2 visit DH's family while they are down in Former Home State, in fact, she has never taken the kids to visit DH's family, even though we make sure they always see her parents when they are in Former Home State. Plus, it is very clear that it has been her intention for most of the summer to not send SS2 home on his flight.

Here's our reply, emailed and faxed today:

I received your message regarding your choice to not send SS2 home on his scheduled flight. SS2 is due home by 9:20 pm on August 20th. Please let me know what other arrangements you have made to have him home by this time. I am willing to pick him up either at the Blah, Blah or Blah, Blah airports. After you have made the arrangements, please let me know his reservation confirmation #, flight number and arrival time.

We are going to wind up in court over this - I can feel it!

Rise

Such is the way of the world
You can never know

Just where to put all your faith
And How will it grow?

Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories

Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold

Suddenly swallowed by signs
Lo and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically

Gonna rise up
Throw down my Ace in the Hole

-Eddie Vedder, Into the Wild


Really needing this song today...not sure how I'm going to make it to the 20th. The anxiety of what could happen is overwhelming.

Predictions for the 20th:

1) BM will try one last attempt to get DH to change the flight.

2) There will be some type of natural disaster preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight (my guess, flood).

3) There will be some type of construction delay, they will get lost, or there will be a vehicle break-down preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight.

4) She gets "sick" while visiting her parents, hospitalized, of course, preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight.

5) She gets it in her head to file some ex parte motion in FormerHomeState while she is down there.

Which of these will play out? We'll have to wait and see...but it will be a miracle if all we have to do is go to our airport and pick him up!

I think she has finally left the planet...

So last night, at midnight, the boys' phone starts ringing. It is BM and she says "Hi, SS2, it's mom. Give me a call back." HELLOOOOOO - SS2 is with her! So either she left a message for SS1 and couldn't even remember his name, or SS2 is out somewhere on his own at 11 pm their time and she's trying to get a hold of him on a cell and she dialed the wrong number. WTF?

She called 2 more times immediately after that, once leaving another message to call her back, but did not say a name, and she also called DH's phone, but did not leave a message. Does anything she does make any sense?

Incessant Phone Calls

Since the 27th, we have gotten an almost daily barrage of phone calls from BM. I'll just bullet the general idea to save me the agony of having to listen to them word for word again.

* SS2 calls to find out when he is leaving. We did not call him back. (Read: BM made SS2 get on phone and call us since we didn't call her back and she hadn't received our letter yet.)

* BM: she will be going down and we either change his flight or he is not coming back (yes, she actually said it) and she will have DH arrested for not sending SS1 (funny how it took her 5 weeks to be concerned with the fact that he didn't come down), DH is selfish, SS2 is sitting right there, SS2 has read DH's letter, and DH can call SS2 and tell him he can't visit his grandparents (we never said he couldn't, he just needs to be back at the pre-arranged time).

* BM: (In a classic case of BM psychiatric chaos, she has discovered how to use her not getting her way as a bonus for her. The previous phone call, just over one hour before this one, was screaming, high pitched babble. This phone call was calm, almost gleeful, with an air of arrogance. It is like you can almost see her brain forming her alternate reality right before your eyes.) She is going back to what we agreed, SS2 can now see what we are like and what she has had to deal with for years, he is witnessing everything, this is a blessing in disguise, we're hurting him, and maybe this way, we'll have time to squeeze in his medical appointment before school starts, since SS2 had to come to her with all his medical concerns.

*BM: calls to inform us that she got the letter about us taking SS2 to the Dr. for a physical shortly after he gets back and that DH will discuss BM's concerns with the Dr. She states "that was all she wanted."

*BM: calls with a litany of family history of thyroid issues, something about some radiation cocktail, her parents want to pay to have SS2's ticket changed, and if we could find it "in our heart" to change the reservation, we are making a big deal out of it, she would never do this if it a medical emergency happened to DH's parents.

*SS1 flew to Former Home State to see both sets of grandparents. While he was with her parents, they of course forced him to talk to BM on the phone. She started bribing with all the things they would do at Christmastime, and SS1 said he didn't think he would be coming at Christmas. On came her tears, her father took the phone from SS1 and said to BM, "Maybe he'll change his mind by Christmas" and winked at SS1. They go to the movies and get a call that BM had to go to the emergency room because she passed out putting a tape in the VCR. SS1 is so disappointed that his time with his grandparents was interrupted by her drama. (Note: BM's father is working, going to the movies, and not having a medical emergency. Surprise, surprise!)

*BM: calls to state that she knows DH's signature and I forged one of the letters we sent her, and that is against the law. (What is really funny is that he did sign it! I think she thinks it was mailed after DH went to Former Home State this week. What a dumb ass!)

*BM: calls to insist that she have the phone number for SS2's Dr. here so she can talk to the Dr. herself. And we better get her the number in a couple days, or else.

So, as of right now, looks like SS2 is coming back on time. Until her brain takes a sharp turn to the right again, anyway. I'm calling Monday to get in to see the Dr. so we can give her all our documentation and give her a heads up about BM calling before we send BM the number. We are also going to get the ER report and hopefully our letter to the ER doc in SS2's medical file and another letter requesting that DH be informed of any appointments made for SS2, so if she calls for his records, that info will go with. We are also going to try to get SS2's Dr. to call the ER Dr. and find out what we asked for in the letter, since we still have had no response from him. We'll see how it goes!