It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Catch up:

*In mid Nov, hearing for DH's petition for contempt was scheduled for December 3rd.

*CPS case in BM's state was closed shortly after the hearing was set.

*DH received copy of CPS report in BM's state. BM denied ever having huffed with or without SS1 and SS2, but Perpetual Fiance admitted he was a huffer. CPS assessed a low risk, since BM stated they would now be buying whipped cream in a tub.

*December 2nd, DH's lawyer gets a call from the court clerk stating BM wanted a continuance because she wanted to make sure the judge had the CPS report and she had not submitted one yet. DH's lawyer let the clerk know that we had a copy we would be happy to submit to the court. BM's request for a continuance was denied. (Made her look pretty stupid that she was the one that wanted the court to have the report, yet DH was able to have his act together enough to already have a copy! Apparently she didn't care enough to get her copy ahead of time.)

*December 3rd, contempt hearing - parenting plan ordered this spring specifically states that neither parent will subject SS1 and SS2 to anyone doing illegal drugs, including either parent. Due to BM's contempt of this order by teaching the boys to huff from whipped cream containers, DH is asking for BM's parenting time to be suspended pending 1) Substance Abuse assessment, 2) Mental Health assessment, 3) Parenting classes, and 4) BM petitioning the court to hold another hearing to determine if parenting time should be reinstated.

-Judge heard from DH's attorney - he spoke for about 5 minutes recapping what had happened.

-Judge asked for info from our state's CPS who had interviewed the boys. We tried to get the report submitted, but BM had not signed the release yet (big surprise), so all the judge would allow the attorney to do is read parts into the record, since BM agreed to that verbally. Judge was not happy BM hadn't done anything to get the report released.

-Judge received CPS report from BM's state from DH's lawyer. This was able to be submitted because BM had already signed a release for her copy.

-Judge heard from BM (she always appears telephonically). 10 minute rant. Highlights include 1) her list of medical ailments (including mental health issues), 2) the high dose of Oxycontin she has been prescribed for the last 8 years (BM's words : I take so much Oxycontin, what do I need whipped cream for?) 3) She has "voluntarily" taken herself off of ALL her meds, and has been suffering weeks of withdrawal for the boys 4) DH takes her to court all the time (since divorce was final in 2002, we have only gone back 2x - once was a joint petition to allow DH to move out of state with the boys, and once was to have the parenting plan changed to meet our current state standards), basically, her first 10 minutes where spent playing the victim card.

-Judge hears from DH's attorney again. Short and sweet - both the boys reported the abuse to DH, CPS and our local police chief. There is no reason to believe the boys would not be telling the truth.

-Judge hears from BM again. Another 10 minute rant, (this time completely used to deflect and project, since victim wasn't working out well for her) which included using curse words in front of the judge, accusing SS1 and SS2 of smoking pot since they were 12 (which surprisingly she has never reported to authorities and forgot to mention to the GAL at the beginning of this year, hmmm), accusing SS1 of making this all up because he didn't want to go out at Christmas (she told the judge that she had told SS1 he had to either come for every day he has off, or not come at all. The current parenting plan leaves the travel plans up to the boys - they decide how much of their time they want to spend there. BM's ultimatum violates the parenting plan and very clearly shows that it is all about HER and not the boys). This last point peaked the judges interest enough to ask her a follow-up question. (Our suspicion is that it was to confirm what appeared to be his current perception that she is completely nuts and lying through her teeth.)

-Judge asks BM the follow up question, very simple. When did you have this conversation with SS1 that leads you to believe SS1 and SS2 made up the huffing allegations to get out of traveling to see you?

-BM stutters, hesitates, uhmms, and then states she'd have to look at her calendar. Judge asks could she tell him what month? Stutter, hesitation, uhmmms, it was September, the day before CPS came to see her.

***********BM just put the last nail in her coffin.***********

(Boys reported to CPS in August, CPS came to visit her in October.)

-Judge says that he'll take what she has to say into consideration, gets up and leaves the courtroom. Judge was pissed.

DH's lawyer was shocked. He'd never had a judge just get up and leave and not make a final address to both parties. After listening to her 20 minutes worth of rants of horrible accusations, we were all a bit overwhelmed. DH's lawyer didn't know what to make of it, and the waiting game began. After a week, an order still had not been made. After two weeks, an order was "in the system" but the clerk could give no further info. Finally, December 22nd, we finally hear from the lawyer - he received a copy of the order.

1) BM's parenting time is suspended, she is found in contempt.
2) BM is required to submit a Substance Abuse Assessment.
3) BM is required to petition the court for another hearing to determine if parenting time is reinstated.
4) Judge handwrites on the order that the court is NOT convinced that the children are lying.

So now the boys do not have to be sent back to BM until she gets the assessment, files it with the court, and requests another hearing. I don't see making traveling plans anytime soon!

While we are disappointed that the judge did not order the parenting classes DH requested, we are pleased that BM stated on record some of her mental health issues herself. She also admitted that Perpetual Fiance was a drug user, while in her mind deflected the attention off herself, but in reality, had she read the parenting plan closely enough, she would have realized that in itself was grounds for contempt. We don't believe for one minute that she did not huff with the boys, but if her admitting Perpetual Fiance does it was enough to tip the judge to issue the contempt, so be it. We are also quite pleased that BM's parenting time will not be reinstated until SHE completes several actions. With BM's history of follow-through, just about non-existent, we are quite confident that BM will drop the ball on reinstating parenting time herself. She's already told the boys they won't be coming for a year, so it seems she's not really in a hurry to get any of it done.

As well as court went for DH, we are extremely disappointed in the CPS investigation in her state. Our state's investigator was very concerned, but as BM lives in another state, his hands were tied. The investigator in BM's state sounded like she was fresh out of school when DH talked to her on the phone. Her report clearly indicates that she completely bought BM's story about not huffing with the children, and is completely naive if she thinks that anyone who admits to huffing whipped cream is now going to buy whipped cream in a tub. Whatever! The fact that BM's household was not required to receive some substance abuse assistance from CPS is horrible. The boys have a younger sister that is subjected to this everyday. And if BM and Perpetual Fiance haven't huffed with her yet, it won't be long.

Hopefully BM takes some time to get the help she needs, but with her parents constantly making excuses for her and provide for her (they told the boys they don't believe that the huffing happened, they pay for her phone, rent, travel, etc), a Perpetual Fiance that will constantly take the bullet for her, and a child (the boys younger sister) that has been programmed to never tell anything that happens at their house to anyone else, the chances of her ever getting better are pretty slim. SS1 turns 18 next October, so he won't have to deal with her "parenting time" anymore. SS2 will probably be 16 or older before he ever goes back, if he does at all. Aside from any retaliatory actions BM may take, which I'm sure will not amount to anything more than a pain in the ass, DH and I are finally able to breathe a sigh of relief after 10 years! We could not ask for a better present!

Anyone out there that is worried the chaos may never end, don't ever lose faith. Having spent almost 25% of my life dealing with BM's terrorism, having wondered myself if I was strong enough, if DH was strong enough, if the kids were strong enough to survive, I can tell you that focusing on whatever positive there is will get you through. Step by step, inch by inch, frustration after frustration, change can happen. While it may not come fast enough to save your children's childhood, every positive action you take to try to overcome will be one more piece of their lives you can claim back for them. Every injustice you bring to light will teach them they should not allow themselves to be abused.

A big shout out to Mister M at thepsychoexwife.com, and everyone on thepsychoexwife.com forums for all the support, encouragement, strategy assistance and humor! Without finding this group of wonderful people all suffering through emotional terrorism of their own, I don't know if DH and I would have had the strength to continue the struggle.

Thank you, Perpetual Fiance!

So apparently Perpetual Fiance has gained control in his own home. Instead of being BM's lapdog and allowing himself to be forced into continuing BM's chaos by making phone threats to DH, he has actually put his foot down. After BM's hysterical verbal beating on SS1 this afternoon, Perpetual Fiance left SS1 a message, letting him know that BM's behavior was inappropriate and that the boys should not be worrying about anything. He then intercepted SS2's call with BM to lay down the same ground rules. Finally! Don't know where this sense of clarity has come from, but the boys certainly appreciate the support. DH knows exactly what this man deals with on a day to day basis with BM, and we've always wanted to have his back should he need our support, but it has been difficult to help when he's made it clear he has been forced to protect his own parental interests with his daughter by doing BM's bidding.

Hopefully, Perpetual Fiance is realizing that only if BM is held accountable for her actions will she ever see the need to get help. (Hopefully for his daughter's sake, he's realizing this sooner than later.)

And the only way that is going to happen is if everyone that interacts with her gets on the same page with us and says enough is enough. Everyone needs to stop allowing her to make DH her scapegoat for why she can treat her children like emotional dart boards. The boys are not her personal therapists. The boys are not her friends. Last week she had the urge to fill some emotional vacuum in her own life by sending SS2 (14) a card that one would give an adult. And I quote "When you were growing up, I knew that one day we would talk like friends - like adults. Now that time is here..." HE'S 14!!! That time is not here, he's not done growing up, he shouldn't be talked to like he's an adult. Sadly, she's been treating them like her adult friends since they were very young. DH hasn't prevented BM from being a parent to the boys, she has vacated the role all on her own. And the only way she can reclaim any sense of parental authority with them after this summer's huffing incident is to take responsibility and reclaim her title as a parent.


But instead she thinks DH is just supposed to make excuses for her behavior and pretend it didn't happen? What kind of parent would he be then? And what chance would the boys have of making any sense of this world? And how safe would the boys be in her care if she is given no limits?


BM has caused enough pain in enough people's lives. It is time she gets the help she needs to appreciate the people in her life who want to see her have positive relationships with those that care about her. For the boys' well-being, we will settle for nothing less.

Anyone seen my drugs?

So, in addition to the info about the disorderly conduct arrest, there were a few other interesting police reports. The police had been called a couple times to deal with prescription drug issues. One call must have been made by a neighbor because BM was mid-rant when the cop showed up. Perpetual Fiance was extremely calm, as the officer made a point of mentioning how calm he was and how out of control BM was. She was ranting about Perpetual Fiance flushing her prescription meds down the toilet.

The other call was BM reporting that Perpetual Fiance had stolen her medicine a few months apart from the other incident. This officer actually called her Dr. about it. Guess what the Dr. said. He's not surprised, that this is not the first time BM has told him stories about things happening to her prescriptions.

Guess what the police did? Nada.

Now we know that BM's parents have already tried to detox her a couple times because they told us. We suspect she has multiple doctors with multiple prescriptions, and they don't know about each other. Pain killers are her passion. When the boys were younger, they would comment about how one whole cabinet in the kitchen was filled with orange bottles. BM conveniently made a point of telling DH before Christmas that Perpetual Fiance would not be around during the boys' time out there, as he was trying to get off prescription drugs and she couldn't handle having him around (she told the boys he was looking for a job in another state). Now that is calling the kettle black. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if Perpetual Fiance HAD to drug himself to get through a day with her. But make no mistake about it, BM is the addict. Can you say projection? DH and I think things were not going well between BM and Perpetual Fiance, and she made some kind of deal with him that if he would get lost for a week or so, she'd (fill in the blank with any unkept promise). She could not afford to have an incident while the boys were there as we were mid-case in court. She could sleep the days away and no one would be on her case. SS1 and SS2 spent a lot of time playing with their sister outside when BM wasn't "feeling" good. You get the picture.

And what do you know - a couple days after the boys left, Perpetual Fiance was back. Surprise, Surprise.

Disorderly Conduct

After pre-trial, some information came light that we needed to investigate. Apparently Perpetual Fiance had been arrested and charged with Disorderly Conduct. We frequently check the state's online court records databases for whichever state BM happens to be living in at the moment. Only found things a few times, but lo and behold, we had a hit again this spring. We called the local police dept to get the police report from the incident, and come to find out, there have been several calls to BM's address since she has been in this state. So we requested copies of all of them. The only one we could not get was the one regarding the disorderly conduct, as it was still an open case. So we fired off a letter to the judge in the case, letting him know that there were minor children that visited the home and that DH had concerns about their safety, that we were unable to get a report from the police, and would his Honor be willing to release the info to DH. A couple weeks later, we get a letter from the judge, along with copies of the charges and description about what happened. The funny part was, the judge cc'd Perpetual Fiance and the DA, which of course is only proper. Not surprisingly, once BM found out we found out about what was going on in the house, settlement came very quickly!

According to the report, Perpetual Fiance had gone out to have some drinks, apparently stayed out past his "curfew", BM starts arguing with him when he gets home and threatens to call the police (which is her first line of attack when she doesn't get what she wants). Perpetual Fiance grabbed the phone from her, BM claims he hit her in the face, and then she proceeds to actually call the cops on him. The officer was very explicit about the fact that SS1 and SS2's 8 year old sister was hysterical when the officer arrived and had heard the whole argument. Perpetual Fiance arrested (in the state they live in, if the police come out to your house for a disturbance, someone MUST go to jail). The report was taken in the wee hours of the morning, I wouldn't doubt on a school night. I'm sure SS1 and SS2's sister had a great day at school the next day. Not surprisingly, once BM made her point (don't you dare do anything I disapprove of or I will make you pay), she tried to have the charges dropped, but, alas, that just wasn't in the cards. Perpetual Fiance had to go to court, they put the case on file, which means as long as he does his "Anger Management" and stays out of trouble for a year, the charges go away.

Of course, we have no idea what really happened that night, but from our experiences and more specifically DH's experiences with her, we have a pretty good guess. Perpetual Fiance had had enough of her shit, went out with some friends, came home too late for her liking, she laid in on him and threatened this and that, and then when he DARED to pull the phone away from her because she was over-reacting, her lesson teaching instincts went into overdrive. What is stupid about the whole situation is that 1) she should have been the one spending the night in jail, 2) Perpetual Fiance is an adult and can go out and have a few drinks whenever he wants to, 3) and Mommy of the Year awards typically do not go out to mothers of 8 year olds up in the wee hours of the morning being subjected to their mother's tirades.

Regardless...it was clear that nothing bad enough happened to make any difference with the boys' trips out there.

Heh...my Perpetual Fiance wants to talk to you...

After a few minutes of talking about it, DH and I think that it wasn't BM's father that ranted to our attorney today. We think it was BM's boyfriend, otherwise known as Perpetual Fiance.

1. Yelling on the phone is very OUT OF character for BM's father.

2. Yelling on the phone is very IN character for Perpetual Fiance.

What we are still pondering is if our attorney misheard and the caller said he was SS1 and SS2's SISTER's father, or if he just flat out claimed to be BM's father.

Isn't it amazing how a simple act of attending a hearing can be filled with so much drama, mystery and chaos????? How do we all get through our days living so normally?

A broken toe and sex with the babysitter?

So it has officially been two weeks since SS2 left for the summer. He called DH last week to let him know his toe was broken. He stated his sister had rode in front of him and his foot got stuck in the spokes. Why he wasn't wearing shoes while riding his bike we'll never know! No worries, though, Dr. BM diagnosed it and all is well.

Each time DH has had an opportunity to talk to SS2, BM is always standing right there and takes the phone from him so DH is forced to talk to her, even though he has requested that she contact him in writing about any issues. This last time, her "emergency" that required her to talk to DH right away was to let DH know that a friend's daughter sometimes spends the night, but she wanted DH to know that SS2 and her were not sleeping in the same room and weren't having sex. Hello?????? SS2 got on the phone with DH and was like, "I don't know why she had to tell you that, like what am I gonna do?" This is a kid that finally had his first girlfriend in school this year (7th grade) and all they did was talk on the phone, they didn't even go "on a date". We are not talking about some horn-dog that obsesses about girls or is ready to whip out the condoms.

Today is Sunday, the day DH said he would regularly call SS2. Conveniently, Perpetual Fiance took BM's cell phone by mistake today, so we'll see if SS2 ever calls back.

PS - the one thing I asked SS2 before he left was to not call my cell phone while he was gone. I've already had to change my number, because BM would call mine when she couldn't get a hold of DH. What do you know, he calls the other day from her cell to mine, so now she's got my number again. The first time she calls it when he gets back, off I go to get a new number.

Perpetual Fiance

1) During the divorce, the General Master pointed out at the first hearing that you're not supposed to call your current significant other "your fiance" until you are actually legally able to marry him.

2) It has been almost 8 years and they still aren't married.

3) After seeing what she has put DH through, Perpetual Fiance would have to be an idiot to marry her since he already has a child with her.

Temporary Custody

At the custody hearing, worthless lawyer #1 allowed DH to be raked over the coals by the General Master. He claimed DH and BM were wearing "black hats" because she took the boys out of the state, but DH was 'legally' refusing to return them to her (whenever that was going to be convenient for her, apparently). In fact, BM had told DH when he picked them up, not to worry about enrolling them in school, it should only be for 3 or 4 weeks! Are you kidding me?

During the hearing (which BM participated in telephonically since she was still out of state)...

1) DH described the living conditions when we went to pick up the boys at her apartment (remember when we picked them up at the beginning of summer, she met us at the parking lot where she worked) which we had not seen until then. The four of them were living in a studio apartment, the boys were sleeping on a pull out couch, all of their toys were in storage (they had been there for over 6 months already) except for a few matchbox cars and a video game system. I asked to use the bathroom while I was there, and the mirror had a spiderweb of broken glass, as if someone had punched it (and if you think we think it was the fiance, you would be incorrect!)

We also found out when we received SS1's records, that she had moved his school once before she moved (so that it was easier to pick up SS2 at daycare) and then again when she moved, so he had attended 3 different schools in a span of 4 months. He was retained the year he was with her in 1st grade, and was severely behind in reading readiness skills. The 2nd school he was at began the process for considering him for evaluation for ESE (special education), but BM never continued the process at the 3rd school. We would soon find out through the school that we enrolled him in, that he qualified for speech (articulation) and language (processing issues). By third grade he was caught back up enough that he did 1/2 year of 4th grade and 1/2 year of 5th grade to get him back on track.

2) The General Master told BM that if she wanted any chance to get custody, she needed to move back to the home state. BM stated that she had put a deposit down on a house. GM told BM she should have thought about that before she moved out of state. Then BM made a big stink about the fact that DH had moved into my apartment with the boys, because he wasn't on the rental agreement - who cares???

3) BM called her boyfriend her fiance several times in the hearing, until the General Master couldn't take it anymore and asked her if she realized she was at the hearing to get a divorce (implying that she really shouldn't have a fiance yet). It went totally over her head, and she kept referring to him as her fiance! To honor his determination to be there to protect his daughter, I will refer to him in this blog as "Perpetual Fiance".

The Upper Hand

Summer draws to a close, the boys go back to BM's house on a road trip with her parents. Before we know it, she's telling DH that he has to call her parent's house, and they will call her, and then she will have the boys call DH. There's some mature parenting!

About a month later, Labor Day weekend, DH and I are on our way the eat at the restaurant we had our first official date at, and as we pull into the parking spot, he gets a phone call from BM. She's got the "sick voice" on, and tells DH that she can't care for the boys and he needs to pick them up, since her parents won't.

She asked her parents first? DH was living in the same state as them, about 40 minutes away, and her first thought is the boys should be with her parents????? I'll tell you what her first thought was - who can take them so I don't have to send them to their father! For whatever reason, her parents said no. I'd like to believe they knew deep down that the boys belonged with DH. But they have and still are paying the price for refusing to do that for her. She has held them emotionally and financially hostage ever since.

We made the 14 hour drive that night, only stopping at DH's parents' house to let them know what was going on, and had the boys back in our state, enrolled in school and filed Temporary Custody paperwork by Wednesday.

We did not know at the time that this would be the end of the custody issue, and the beginning of BM's assault on us. We also did not know that she was 5 months pregnant with Perpetual Fiance's baby. It would also be the last thing worthless lawyer #1 accomplished.

Summer 2000, Part 1

Summer visitation got off to a rocky start. We drove to the state BM had just moved to with the boys, and slept in a parking lot because we were a bit early for the pick-up time. BM sent her Perpetual Fiance to drive around the parking lot to intimidate us. A half-hour late, the boys (ages 7 and 4) show up, running across the parking lot, with BM nowhere to be seen. She arrives 10 minutes later, walking across the parking lot, all smiles, as if she has just been crowned Miss America. DH talked to her for all of about 5 minutes and off we went.

The most disturbing part of the trip, to my home state to enjoy a week's vacation with my family (since we were already half-way there), involved SS1 asking DH why he didn't love them anymore, since he never called and stopped coming to pick them up. Bite your tongue.