It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Catch up:

*In mid Nov, hearing for DH's petition for contempt was scheduled for December 3rd.

*CPS case in BM's state was closed shortly after the hearing was set.

*DH received copy of CPS report in BM's state. BM denied ever having huffed with or without SS1 and SS2, but Perpetual Fiance admitted he was a huffer. CPS assessed a low risk, since BM stated they would now be buying whipped cream in a tub.

*December 2nd, DH's lawyer gets a call from the court clerk stating BM wanted a continuance because she wanted to make sure the judge had the CPS report and she had not submitted one yet. DH's lawyer let the clerk know that we had a copy we would be happy to submit to the court. BM's request for a continuance was denied. (Made her look pretty stupid that she was the one that wanted the court to have the report, yet DH was able to have his act together enough to already have a copy! Apparently she didn't care enough to get her copy ahead of time.)

*December 3rd, contempt hearing - parenting plan ordered this spring specifically states that neither parent will subject SS1 and SS2 to anyone doing illegal drugs, including either parent. Due to BM's contempt of this order by teaching the boys to huff from whipped cream containers, DH is asking for BM's parenting time to be suspended pending 1) Substance Abuse assessment, 2) Mental Health assessment, 3) Parenting classes, and 4) BM petitioning the court to hold another hearing to determine if parenting time should be reinstated.

-Judge heard from DH's attorney - he spoke for about 5 minutes recapping what had happened.

-Judge asked for info from our state's CPS who had interviewed the boys. We tried to get the report submitted, but BM had not signed the release yet (big surprise), so all the judge would allow the attorney to do is read parts into the record, since BM agreed to that verbally. Judge was not happy BM hadn't done anything to get the report released.

-Judge received CPS report from BM's state from DH's lawyer. This was able to be submitted because BM had already signed a release for her copy.

-Judge heard from BM (she always appears telephonically). 10 minute rant. Highlights include 1) her list of medical ailments (including mental health issues), 2) the high dose of Oxycontin she has been prescribed for the last 8 years (BM's words : I take so much Oxycontin, what do I need whipped cream for?) 3) She has "voluntarily" taken herself off of ALL her meds, and has been suffering weeks of withdrawal for the boys 4) DH takes her to court all the time (since divorce was final in 2002, we have only gone back 2x - once was a joint petition to allow DH to move out of state with the boys, and once was to have the parenting plan changed to meet our current state standards), basically, her first 10 minutes where spent playing the victim card.

-Judge hears from DH's attorney again. Short and sweet - both the boys reported the abuse to DH, CPS and our local police chief. There is no reason to believe the boys would not be telling the truth.

-Judge hears from BM again. Another 10 minute rant, (this time completely used to deflect and project, since victim wasn't working out well for her) which included using curse words in front of the judge, accusing SS1 and SS2 of smoking pot since they were 12 (which surprisingly she has never reported to authorities and forgot to mention to the GAL at the beginning of this year, hmmm), accusing SS1 of making this all up because he didn't want to go out at Christmas (she told the judge that she had told SS1 he had to either come for every day he has off, or not come at all. The current parenting plan leaves the travel plans up to the boys - they decide how much of their time they want to spend there. BM's ultimatum violates the parenting plan and very clearly shows that it is all about HER and not the boys). This last point peaked the judges interest enough to ask her a follow-up question. (Our suspicion is that it was to confirm what appeared to be his current perception that she is completely nuts and lying through her teeth.)

-Judge asks BM the follow up question, very simple. When did you have this conversation with SS1 that leads you to believe SS1 and SS2 made up the huffing allegations to get out of traveling to see you?

-BM stutters, hesitates, uhmms, and then states she'd have to look at her calendar. Judge asks could she tell him what month? Stutter, hesitation, uhmmms, it was September, the day before CPS came to see her.

***********BM just put the last nail in her coffin.***********

(Boys reported to CPS in August, CPS came to visit her in October.)

-Judge says that he'll take what she has to say into consideration, gets up and leaves the courtroom. Judge was pissed.

DH's lawyer was shocked. He'd never had a judge just get up and leave and not make a final address to both parties. After listening to her 20 minutes worth of rants of horrible accusations, we were all a bit overwhelmed. DH's lawyer didn't know what to make of it, and the waiting game began. After a week, an order still had not been made. After two weeks, an order was "in the system" but the clerk could give no further info. Finally, December 22nd, we finally hear from the lawyer - he received a copy of the order.

1) BM's parenting time is suspended, she is found in contempt.
2) BM is required to submit a Substance Abuse Assessment.
3) BM is required to petition the court for another hearing to determine if parenting time is reinstated.
4) Judge handwrites on the order that the court is NOT convinced that the children are lying.

So now the boys do not have to be sent back to BM until she gets the assessment, files it with the court, and requests another hearing. I don't see making traveling plans anytime soon!

While we are disappointed that the judge did not order the parenting classes DH requested, we are pleased that BM stated on record some of her mental health issues herself. She also admitted that Perpetual Fiance was a drug user, while in her mind deflected the attention off herself, but in reality, had she read the parenting plan closely enough, she would have realized that in itself was grounds for contempt. We don't believe for one minute that she did not huff with the boys, but if her admitting Perpetual Fiance does it was enough to tip the judge to issue the contempt, so be it. We are also quite pleased that BM's parenting time will not be reinstated until SHE completes several actions. With BM's history of follow-through, just about non-existent, we are quite confident that BM will drop the ball on reinstating parenting time herself. She's already told the boys they won't be coming for a year, so it seems she's not really in a hurry to get any of it done.

As well as court went for DH, we are extremely disappointed in the CPS investigation in her state. Our state's investigator was very concerned, but as BM lives in another state, his hands were tied. The investigator in BM's state sounded like she was fresh out of school when DH talked to her on the phone. Her report clearly indicates that she completely bought BM's story about not huffing with the children, and is completely naive if she thinks that anyone who admits to huffing whipped cream is now going to buy whipped cream in a tub. Whatever! The fact that BM's household was not required to receive some substance abuse assistance from CPS is horrible. The boys have a younger sister that is subjected to this everyday. And if BM and Perpetual Fiance haven't huffed with her yet, it won't be long.

Hopefully BM takes some time to get the help she needs, but with her parents constantly making excuses for her and provide for her (they told the boys they don't believe that the huffing happened, they pay for her phone, rent, travel, etc), a Perpetual Fiance that will constantly take the bullet for her, and a child (the boys younger sister) that has been programmed to never tell anything that happens at their house to anyone else, the chances of her ever getting better are pretty slim. SS1 turns 18 next October, so he won't have to deal with her "parenting time" anymore. SS2 will probably be 16 or older before he ever goes back, if he does at all. Aside from any retaliatory actions BM may take, which I'm sure will not amount to anything more than a pain in the ass, DH and I are finally able to breathe a sigh of relief after 10 years! We could not ask for a better present!

Anyone out there that is worried the chaos may never end, don't ever lose faith. Having spent almost 25% of my life dealing with BM's terrorism, having wondered myself if I was strong enough, if DH was strong enough, if the kids were strong enough to survive, I can tell you that focusing on whatever positive there is will get you through. Step by step, inch by inch, frustration after frustration, change can happen. While it may not come fast enough to save your children's childhood, every positive action you take to try to overcome will be one more piece of their lives you can claim back for them. Every injustice you bring to light will teach them they should not allow themselves to be abused.

A big shout out to Mister M at thepsychoexwife.com, and everyone on thepsychoexwife.com forums for all the support, encouragement, strategy assistance and humor! Without finding this group of wonderful people all suffering through emotional terrorism of their own, I don't know if DH and I would have had the strength to continue the struggle.