2-4-01 Family Trouble: BM has moved back from the state she fled to with the boys and is having her first visitation with them in 6 months. She picked them up Friday and was to return them on Sunday. As we are waiting at the pick-up location, DH gets a phone call from BM saying that if he wants the boys he needs to go to the hospital and pick them up. After we arrived, the hospital staff refused to allow DH to see the boys (her parents both work at this hospital). We waited 4 hours because they kept telling us it would just be a little longer. Finally DH called the police, we found out later that BM had already called the police.
Favorite lines:
"She stated she brought the child into the hospital for possible respiratory problems." SS2 had a cold.
"She further advised me she was very concerned DH would not follow through on getting the child's medication or any medical follow up." Pu-leese.
"She returned both children to DH without any further incident." Nice try, but the Temporary Custody paperwork don't lie.
What should have been a normal Sunday night, turned into a nightmare. The boys didn't get to bed until almost midnight on a school night! She really thought that officer so-and-so was going to say, "Gee, I don't know what that judge was thinking. Of course you can have custody of the children. Let me tell DH to go away." SS2, who had no problems with DH for the whole 6 months BM was gone, was suddenly afraid to even be near DH at the hospital. By the time we had driven the 45 minutes home, both SS2 and SS1 were back to their normal 5 and 8 year old selves.
March 27, 2008
Police Reports, Round 1, Trying to keep DH from the boys
BM's favorite tactic is to file police reports to document "her side" of events. She has yet to realize that a police report is just that, one side of a story, unless there is a full investigation and some type of criminal activity. None of her police reports have ever led to anything, except the check forgery, which actually earns a post all to itself. What is really sad is she continues to bring up things from her police reports as if the reports themselves prove that she was telling the truth, when in fact, that is not what a police report means. I don't think she will ever understand that.
12-6-99 - Domestic: BM states that DH had some type of recording device hidden behind the medicine cabinet in their bathroom and that he had come into the apartment and removed them. They were separated by now, and he had moved out, but he was still on the lease and did not enter illegally and had only gone to get some of his belongings. She states that he trashed her apartment. The whole tape recorder thing was her way to try to get some criminal charges pressed, and get DH out of the children's lives.
My favorite lines:
"She also stated she is seeking an attorney to try and get a restraining order as soon as possible." It took her until the end of the month. She obviously didn't realize you don't need an attorney for a restraining order.
"I then asked if she knew where her estranged husband lived, and she stated no. She thought he was at his mother's, but she did not have an address, only a phone number. When I called the Communications Center to get an address from the phone number, I was unable to get one." How can you be married to someone for 9 years and not be able to give your mother-in-law's address? I have a feeling she also gave a fake phone number, because his parents lived in the same house for years and hadn't ever changed their number, so the officer would have been able to get the address. BM just didn't want DH to be able to give his side.
Case Closed.
12-31-99 - Misdemeanor Battery: DH had gone over to BM's new residence to tell her the boys were upset that she hadn't called them as she said she would. The boys had spent the night with DH. Upon arriving around 8:30 am, DH saw BM get out of a man's car, which she said in the report was a "friend" but during the blow out about summer vacation this year, she refers to him as her "boss"(which is odd, since she claimed on the police report that she was unemployed). Regardless, DH at this point was still hoping to save the marriage for the kids sake, but it was perfectly clear that she had moved on (I seriously doubt they had gone for an early morning breakfast!) The "friend" took a swing at DH and DH swung back. The "friend" took off and later returned at the request of the police. DH wound up arrested as he admitted to hitting the "friend", however the State Attorney "having taken testimony under oath...concludes that the facts and circumstances revealed do not warrant prosecution at this time."
My favorite lines:
"...she ran into a neighbor's house to call 911. She stated she instructed the dispatcher that she would be standing outside."
"explained how to obtain the injunction, because of her statements in reference to her being afraid of her husband."
These two lines together just seem strange. If she was so scared of DH, why would she wait outside where DH was?
Case Closed.
1-20-2000 - Theft: A few days after her restraining order was denied, BM calls the police and says DH stole the boys social security cards and birth certificates and a key to her apartment.
My favorite lines:
"She stated she wants this incident documented because she is going to reapply for a restraining order."
"Due to the lack of evidence, I titled this report as a theft."
"I did not see any signs of tampering, damage or forced entry to the exterior, interior, front doorway, front windows and screened in porch area." Maybe 'cause it never happened?
Case Closed.
A few months after this is when BM took off to another state with the boys. All quiet on the police front for another year.
12-6-99 - Domestic: BM states that DH had some type of recording device hidden behind the medicine cabinet in their bathroom and that he had come into the apartment and removed them. They were separated by now, and he had moved out, but he was still on the lease and did not enter illegally and had only gone to get some of his belongings. She states that he trashed her apartment. The whole tape recorder thing was her way to try to get some criminal charges pressed, and get DH out of the children's lives.
My favorite lines:
"She also stated she is seeking an attorney to try and get a restraining order as soon as possible." It took her until the end of the month. She obviously didn't realize you don't need an attorney for a restraining order.
"I then asked if she knew where her estranged husband lived, and she stated no. She thought he was at his mother's, but she did not have an address, only a phone number. When I called the Communications Center to get an address from the phone number, I was unable to get one." How can you be married to someone for 9 years and not be able to give your mother-in-law's address? I have a feeling she also gave a fake phone number, because his parents lived in the same house for years and hadn't ever changed their number, so the officer would have been able to get the address. BM just didn't want DH to be able to give his side.
Case Closed.
12-31-99 - Misdemeanor Battery: DH had gone over to BM's new residence to tell her the boys were upset that she hadn't called them as she said she would. The boys had spent the night with DH. Upon arriving around 8:30 am, DH saw BM get out of a man's car, which she said in the report was a "friend" but during the blow out about summer vacation this year, she refers to him as her "boss"(which is odd, since she claimed on the police report that she was unemployed). Regardless, DH at this point was still hoping to save the marriage for the kids sake, but it was perfectly clear that she had moved on (I seriously doubt they had gone for an early morning breakfast!) The "friend" took a swing at DH and DH swung back. The "friend" took off and later returned at the request of the police. DH wound up arrested as he admitted to hitting the "friend", however the State Attorney "having taken testimony under oath...concludes that the facts and circumstances revealed do not warrant prosecution at this time."
My favorite lines:
"...she ran into a neighbor's house to call 911. She stated she instructed the dispatcher that she would be standing outside."
"explained how to obtain the injunction, because of her statements in reference to her being afraid of her husband."
These two lines together just seem strange. If she was so scared of DH, why would she wait outside where DH was?
Case Closed.
1-20-2000 - Theft: A few days after her restraining order was denied, BM calls the police and says DH stole the boys social security cards and birth certificates and a key to her apartment.
My favorite lines:
"She stated she wants this incident documented because she is going to reapply for a restraining order."
"Due to the lack of evidence, I titled this report as a theft."
"I did not see any signs of tampering, damage or forced entry to the exterior, interior, front doorway, front windows and screened in porch area." Maybe 'cause it never happened?
Case Closed.
A few months after this is when BM took off to another state with the boys. All quiet on the police front for another year.
March 26, 2008
Perpetual Fiance
1) During the divorce, the General Master pointed out at the first hearing that you're not supposed to call your current significant other "your fiance" until you are actually legally able to marry him.
2) It has been almost 8 years and they still aren't married.
3) After seeing what she has put DH through, Perpetual Fiance would have to be an idiot to marry her since he already has a child with her.
2) It has been almost 8 years and they still aren't married.
3) After seeing what she has put DH through, Perpetual Fiance would have to be an idiot to marry her since he already has a child with her.
March 25, 2008
Temporary Custody
At the custody hearing, worthless lawyer #1 allowed DH to be raked over the coals by the General Master. He claimed DH and BM were wearing "black hats" because she took the boys out of the state, but DH was 'legally' refusing to return them to her (whenever that was going to be convenient for her, apparently). In fact, BM had told DH when he picked them up, not to worry about enrolling them in school, it should only be for 3 or 4 weeks! Are you kidding me?
During the hearing (which BM participated in telephonically since she was still out of state)...
1) DH described the living conditions when we went to pick up the boys at her apartment (remember when we picked them up at the beginning of summer, she met us at the parking lot where she worked) which we had not seen until then. The four of them were living in a studio apartment, the boys were sleeping on a pull out couch, all of their toys were in storage (they had been there for over 6 months already) except for a few matchbox cars and a video game system. I asked to use the bathroom while I was there, and the mirror had a spiderweb of broken glass, as if someone had punched it (and if you think we think it was the fiance, you would be incorrect!)
We also found out when we received SS1's records, that she had moved his school once before she moved (so that it was easier to pick up SS2 at daycare) and then again when she moved, so he had attended 3 different schools in a span of 4 months. He was retained the year he was with her in 1st grade, and was severely behind in reading readiness skills. The 2nd school he was at began the process for considering him for evaluation for ESE (special education), but BM never continued the process at the 3rd school. We would soon find out through the school that we enrolled him in, that he qualified for speech (articulation) and language (processing issues). By third grade he was caught back up enough that he did 1/2 year of 4th grade and 1/2 year of 5th grade to get him back on track.
2) The General Master told BM that if she wanted any chance to get custody, she needed to move back to the home state. BM stated that she had put a deposit down on a house. GM told BM she should have thought about that before she moved out of state. Then BM made a big stink about the fact that DH had moved into my apartment with the boys, because he wasn't on the rental agreement - who cares???
3) BM called her boyfriend her fiance several times in the hearing, until the General Master couldn't take it anymore and asked her if she realized she was at the hearing to get a divorce (implying that she really shouldn't have a fiance yet). It went totally over her head, and she kept referring to him as her fiance! To honor his determination to be there to protect his daughter, I will refer to him in this blog as "Perpetual Fiance".
During the hearing (which BM participated in telephonically since she was still out of state)...
1) DH described the living conditions when we went to pick up the boys at her apartment (remember when we picked them up at the beginning of summer, she met us at the parking lot where she worked) which we had not seen until then. The four of them were living in a studio apartment, the boys were sleeping on a pull out couch, all of their toys were in storage (they had been there for over 6 months already) except for a few matchbox cars and a video game system. I asked to use the bathroom while I was there, and the mirror had a spiderweb of broken glass, as if someone had punched it (and if you think we think it was the fiance, you would be incorrect!)
We also found out when we received SS1's records, that she had moved his school once before she moved (so that it was easier to pick up SS2 at daycare) and then again when she moved, so he had attended 3 different schools in a span of 4 months. He was retained the year he was with her in 1st grade, and was severely behind in reading readiness skills. The 2nd school he was at began the process for considering him for evaluation for ESE (special education), but BM never continued the process at the 3rd school. We would soon find out through the school that we enrolled him in, that he qualified for speech (articulation) and language (processing issues). By third grade he was caught back up enough that he did 1/2 year of 4th grade and 1/2 year of 5th grade to get him back on track.
2) The General Master told BM that if she wanted any chance to get custody, she needed to move back to the home state. BM stated that she had put a deposit down on a house. GM told BM she should have thought about that before she moved out of state. Then BM made a big stink about the fact that DH had moved into my apartment with the boys, because he wasn't on the rental agreement - who cares???
3) BM called her boyfriend her fiance several times in the hearing, until the General Master couldn't take it anymore and asked her if she realized she was at the hearing to get a divorce (implying that she really shouldn't have a fiance yet). It went totally over her head, and she kept referring to him as her fiance! To honor his determination to be there to protect his daughter, I will refer to him in this blog as "Perpetual Fiance".
The Upper Hand
Summer draws to a close, the boys go back to BM's house on a road trip with her parents. Before we know it, she's telling DH that he has to call her parent's house, and they will call her, and then she will have the boys call DH. There's some mature parenting!
About a month later, Labor Day weekend, DH and I are on our way the eat at the restaurant we had our first official date at, and as we pull into the parking spot, he gets a phone call from BM. She's got the "sick voice" on, and tells DH that she can't care for the boys and he needs to pick them up, since her parents won't.
She asked her parents first? DH was living in the same state as them, about 40 minutes away, and her first thought is the boys should be with her parents????? I'll tell you what her first thought was - who can take them so I don't have to send them to their father! For whatever reason, her parents said no. I'd like to believe they knew deep down that the boys belonged with DH. But they have and still are paying the price for refusing to do that for her. She has held them emotionally and financially hostage ever since.
We made the 14 hour drive that night, only stopping at DH's parents' house to let them know what was going on, and had the boys back in our state, enrolled in school and filed Temporary Custody paperwork by Wednesday.
We did not know at the time that this would be the end of the custody issue, and the beginning of BM's assault on us. We also did not know that she was 5 months pregnant with Perpetual Fiance's baby. It would also be the last thing worthless lawyer #1 accomplished.
About a month later, Labor Day weekend, DH and I are on our way the eat at the restaurant we had our first official date at, and as we pull into the parking spot, he gets a phone call from BM. She's got the "sick voice" on, and tells DH that she can't care for the boys and he needs to pick them up, since her parents won't.
She asked her parents first? DH was living in the same state as them, about 40 minutes away, and her first thought is the boys should be with her parents????? I'll tell you what her first thought was - who can take them so I don't have to send them to their father! For whatever reason, her parents said no. I'd like to believe they knew deep down that the boys belonged with DH. But they have and still are paying the price for refusing to do that for her. She has held them emotionally and financially hostage ever since.
We made the 14 hour drive that night, only stopping at DH's parents' house to let them know what was going on, and had the boys back in our state, enrolled in school and filed Temporary Custody paperwork by Wednesday.
We did not know at the time that this would be the end of the custody issue, and the beginning of BM's assault on us. We also did not know that she was 5 months pregnant with Perpetual Fiance's baby. It would also be the last thing worthless lawyer #1 accomplished.
Summer 2000, Part 2
During the summer of 2000, I was still in a delusional fog. DH and I had moved in together before the boys came for visitation, and had about 3 months of bliss. We ate out when we wanted, slept in when we wanted, and basically were only apart for work. We went to concerts, spent time with friends and family, took day trips.
When we got back from vacation in my home state, I treated the boys as I had the children I had nannied over the years, with affection and support, but not as a parental figure.
Oh, so naively, I thought I could befriend BM. After all, she had been unfaithful in their marriage, she had wanted the separation, she had moved away, she had a Perpetual Fiance (and later we would find out, a new baby on the way). Surely, she had moved on. Apparently she just wasn't over the Boyd's Bears yet!
After a couple weeks of hammering things out, she and I were able to negotiate terms for the divorce (at this point, DH and her could not carry on a civil conversation for a minute!) DH would pay back taxes, child support and medical insurance, she would maintain custody with DH having summer visitation and alternating Winter vacation. Papers drawn up by worthless lawyer #1. Papers served. All goes to pot over some stupid Boyd's Bears figurines that she thought DH had taken, and she insisted that she didn't have them and she wanted them back or she wasn't signing anything. (She probably found them later when she unpacked her storage unit!) They must have been very sentimental, since they cost her custody of her children.
When we got back from vacation in my home state, I treated the boys as I had the children I had nannied over the years, with affection and support, but not as a parental figure.
Oh, so naively, I thought I could befriend BM. After all, she had been unfaithful in their marriage, she had wanted the separation, she had moved away, she had a Perpetual Fiance (and later we would find out, a new baby on the way). Surely, she had moved on. Apparently she just wasn't over the Boyd's Bears yet!
After a couple weeks of hammering things out, she and I were able to negotiate terms for the divorce (at this point, DH and her could not carry on a civil conversation for a minute!) DH would pay back taxes, child support and medical insurance, she would maintain custody with DH having summer visitation and alternating Winter vacation. Papers drawn up by worthless lawyer #1. Papers served. All goes to pot over some stupid Boyd's Bears figurines that she thought DH had taken, and she insisted that she didn't have them and she wanted them back or she wasn't signing anything. (She probably found them later when she unpacked her storage unit!) They must have been very sentimental, since they cost her custody of her children.
Summer 2000, Part 1
Summer visitation got off to a rocky start. We drove to the state BM had just moved to with the boys, and slept in a parking lot because we were a bit early for the pick-up time. BM sent her Perpetual Fiance to drive around the parking lot to intimidate us. A half-hour late, the boys (ages 7 and 4) show up, running across the parking lot, with BM nowhere to be seen. She arrives 10 minutes later, walking across the parking lot, all smiles, as if she has just been crowned Miss America. DH talked to her for all of about 5 minutes and off we went.
The most disturbing part of the trip, to my home state to enjoy a week's vacation with my family (since we were already half-way there), involved SS1 asking DH why he didn't love them anymore, since he never called and stopped coming to pick them up. Bite your tongue.
The most disturbing part of the trip, to my home state to enjoy a week's vacation with my family (since we were already half-way there), involved SS1 asking DH why he didn't love them anymore, since he never called and stopped coming to pick them up. Bite your tongue.
Lucky Break
DH received a phone call from a friend, who lives in the state DH and BM had moved to for a short time, and who was wondering if DH wanted to get together, since the friend had seen BM and the boys the other day (he assumed that DH had moved back with them). HUGE BREAK! We know knew their general location. She had returned to the area that they had just moved from before the separation. A frantic day of calling her parents to let them know he knew where they were, calls to the local school to see if they were enrolled, and an undying urge to drive the 14 hours to "get" them, all resulted in a phone call the next day from BM. She was graciously going to allow the boys to visit DH over the summer. Again, lawyer #1 was of no help, and told DH there was nothing to be done. DH finally procured her address and informed his lawyer that he wanted to file for divorce. Papers were served, but she defaulted. Hearing was set. The day of the hearing, she filed stating that she did not understand that she was in default. Summer visitation is arranged, with DH traveling 14 hours one way to pick the boys up, and her parents taking them back.
How Could They?
DH tried unsuccessfully to contact BM several times over the next few weeks. He would show up for his visits, but the boys would never arrive. As frustrating as this was, he was not alarmed yet, as she had been very cavalier with his time in the past, and he assumed that this was just another one of her "moods". He called her phone (at first the boys were always "out playing" when he called, eventually the phone was disconnected), he called her work (she no longer worked there), he spoke with her parents (they had no idea what was going on and didn't want to get in the middle of whatever it was-yeah, right), he contacted their school (they had been withdrawn and the secretary flat out refused to tell him what school their records had been forwarded to). By this point, panic had started to set in. Lawyer #1 was absolutely no help, and told DH to just wait until the hearing (it hadn't even been set yet, neither of them had officially filed for divorce due to monetary concerns). Apparently the Separation Agreement already signed by both parties, stating his visitation rights and restricting BM from taking the children out of state, was as valuable as a piece of used toilet paper.
The Prelude
The first time I met the boys, we took them to a dirt bike race at the local fairgrounds. DH had only weekend visitation at that point, along with a few hours for dinner Wednesday nights. I look back to that day with happiness (the one and only day with them not filled with some degree of anxiety). Thankfully, DH had not yet shared all the drama that had recently occurred, or hinted at all the drama to come, or I'm sure I would not have such fond memories of the day. DH and I had been dating for about a month, he had been legally separated, after 9 years of marriage, for almost 4 months, and emotionally separated for about 6 years.
It was like meeting the children of an old friend from college. We played, laughed, told stories and had a great time. They tried to swindle me out of money, and I made DH pull over the car after realizing they hadn't really put their seat belts on. A typical day with children. After that day, DH couldn't see the boys for 3 months.
It was like meeting the children of an old friend from college. We played, laughed, told stories and had a great time. They tried to swindle me out of money, and I made DH pull over the car after realizing they hadn't really put their seat belts on. A typical day with children. After that day, DH couldn't see the boys for 3 months.
The beginning...
I met DH in a sports bar the weekend before our home team was about to play in the Superbowl. Not a football fan, per se, but looking to hang out with friends. We arrived at the bar and there was not a seat to be had, except one...
DH had just left the bar, started to head home, and after stopping for some fast food, turned around and headed back...
guess who was sitting in his seat???
DH had just left the bar, started to head home, and after stopping for some fast food, turned around and headed back...
guess who was sitting in his seat???
Today is a Gift
A tribute to the hurdles of the past, the pleasures of today, and the hope for the future...
...that sums up my goals for this blog. Over the past few months, I have garnered great strength, support and wisdom from several wonderful blogs. Having known no one else, personally, that has experienced what our family has been through, the on-line community has thankfully provided that 'shoulder to lean on'. If stumbling upon this blog provides support for someone that has seen what I've seen, felt what I've felt, or feared what I've feared, even for a moment...then I will have been able to return the favor.
...that sums up my goals for this blog. Over the past few months, I have garnered great strength, support and wisdom from several wonderful blogs. Having known no one else, personally, that has experienced what our family has been through, the on-line community has thankfully provided that 'shoulder to lean on'. If stumbling upon this blog provides support for someone that has seen what I've seen, felt what I've felt, or feared what I've feared, even for a moment...then I will have been able to return the favor.
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