Flight Issues

So now she is leaving messages saying that she is driving from Her Current Home State to Our Former Home State with SS2 to see her parents, and that we must change SS2's flight to leave from that state instead.

She has known all summer what his reservation was and she agreed to it. Never did she say he would be leaving from a different state. She also did not plan this trip until she found out SS1 (who has spent the summer with us) was going down to visit her parents in a couple weeks. She is trying to get SS1 cornered at her parents' house. Unbelievable!

When SS1 found this out, he said he only wanted to visit DH's parents instead if BM was going to be at her parents, but we decided he should be able to see them, so he is flying down early instead. We discussed with SS1 that this was exactly why we don't typically tell them about plans such as this, because they blab to the Grandparents and then BM finds some way to screw everything up. He had bugged the crap out of us about seeing his Grandfather, and we knew he was feeling bad about not getting to see his sister, and we really though he had wised up enough to keep his trap shut. His response was "But I didn't think she would drive all the way down to do that." Hello, your own mother called the police on you for acting like a teenager and you didn't think she could pull this off? Wake the @$#*%! up!

DH tried to ask her to just leave a few days early so she could be back in time to get him on the scheduled flight, but she said she "had plans" and wasn't changing her plans. Hello, what about the plans she had with us first? She then starting laying into DH about the whole Spring Break thing, so he hung up. Unfortunately we were talking to SS2 before she got on the phone. SS2 called back about 10 minutes later, and can you believe this, starting apologizing to us, saying, "I didn't know she was going to get like that." Wake the @$#*%! up!

DH told him there was nothing to apologize to us for and to just do what he had to do to have a good rest of his summer (in other words, tow BM's line until he can get out of there!)

Her last message reiterated that she wasn't changing her plans and DH had to change the flight, implying that she was not sending SS2 back if the flight wasn't changed. She also threatened DH and said if he didn't get those medical tests for SS2 that she was "reporting" him. Oh, and get this, she said SS2 had told her he had an "open ended flight". The email we sent on April 15 had a date - that is clearly not an open-ended flight, nor did SS2 book his reservation, so why would she think a 13 year old was a reliable source of this information?

I knew she would mess this summer up!

There are two alternative tracks she could take. One would be to really go to see her parents and really not send SS2 back. This is the scenario we have been dreading and looking forward to at the same time. This would be our slam dunk as far as going back to court. But it would also be a pain in the ass for the boys and us.

The other would be to cancel her trip to see her parents or do it after SS2 leaves and then blame DH for the fact that SS2 couldn't see her parents. Conveniently omitting the information that she had since April to plan this trip around SS2's flight and didn't. I think SS2 would see through this strategy and it could most certainly be addressed in counseling and while it would do less damage in the long run, is nothing we can use in court.

Here's an idea, how 'bout we all get to have a NORMAL @$#*%! SUMMER!

This is one of those days : (

So BM leaves DH a message saying that SS2 now needs a barium swallow or a scope shoved down his throat! She's claiming he should have had this done when he was 10. Oh, and a thyroid test. Neither was recommended by his original surgeon, his primary physician or his ER doctor. BM is obsessed with medical procedures. She said she already tried to get SS2 appointments to have the procedure done this summer (without even informing DH), but they require his primary physician's approval and she's not able to get his medical records, because she hasn't figured out all she has to do is call the school to find out where he got his last physical. (We are not withholding this info from her maliciously - years ago she refused to accept our certified mail when we were sending her newsletters of all the pertinent info for the boys and said from then on she would be finding everything out on her own, we are merely following her request.) We responded to her VM message with the following letter (but then she called back, leaving another message backtracking about how she wanted to make sure we didn't think she was "ordering" us, but that she was just concerned about it, so we sent a muted down version of the letter instead. Unfortunately we took out the part about the flight, because that is the next problem that has arisen, next post...


"I got your phone message today regarding SS2’s trip to the emergency room on 7/12/2008. I am glad that you are finally notifying me of this visit 12 days after it occurred.
While I understand you have always had a hard time overcoming SS2’s medical issues he had as an infant, I can assure you that he has no long term effects from his surgery. I have discussed this issue with his primary care physicians over the years and there was also no indication from the surgeon who treated SS2’s vascular ring that there would be any long term issues. It was not recommended that he receive a barium swallow at age 10, and I find it odd that this is now a concern for you 3 years after the supposed “recommended” age.

Dr. ER at Blah Blah Medical Center also did not recommend either a barium swallow or have difficulty examining SS2 during his visit. In fact, all indications were perfectly normal, except for some mild redness in his throat. Dr. ER also did not recommend a thyroid test. SS2’s weight has been discussed when he received his last physical, and it was recommended that he work on his diet and exercise more. I have been working with him to make better eating choices and have provided him with many physical activities to increase his level of exercise. It was my understanding that you were working on this with him as well at the YMCA gym near your home.

Please rest assured that at his next physical, which will need to be soon after he arrives home August 20th in order for him to play in fall sports, that I will address the issue again with his primary care physician and also ask if there is any indication that SS2 should have a thyroid test, besides just your opinion.

As far as SS2 seeing a physician in Your Current Home State, I feel that it would not be the best use of the short time SS2 has remaining for his visit. Your concerns are non-emergency and can be most thoroughly addressed by his regular physician here in Our Current Home State. I’m sure Dr. Tried to get in but couldn't 'cause I didn't have the record’s office would agree as well.

SS2 also discussed with me your interest in having him fly from Our Former Home State to Our Current Home State at the end of his visit. His flight this summer was already changed once due to your request, and I will not be changing his currently booked flight. He is to be on AirTran Flight 000 leaving Blah Blah Airport in Airport City, Your Current Home State at 6:10 pm, August 20th."

We ended up not sending this exact letter, because she left a much calmer message saying that she wasn't trying to tell us what to do, so we took out a lot of the rebuttal info, since we didn't want her to be on to what we knew about the situation.

We knew it! Summer ER Trip #1 continued...

Got SS2's medical records in the mail today. BM is so full of crap it isn't even funny. And she thinks just because she tells someone something and they write it down it is true!

This is the choking on an ice cube incident.

Dr's notes:

"His mother reports that the patient had vascular ring surgery when he was 5 months old. He lives with his father in Current State and is visiting mom for the summer. He apparently was supposed to have a formal endoscopic exam at age 10, but mother states that this did not happen. His parents are separated and there appears to be some custody issues."

Only the first two sentences here are accurate. No formal endoscopic exam was ever recommended and this issue has been discussed with his primary care physician and he stated that there was nothing that needed to be done as SS2 aged.

But really, if she was that concerned, why did she wait until he was 13 to complain about it? She has had him for several weeks each summer since then, why did she not make him an appointment?

Hello, they are divorced, not separated, and there are no custody issues. DH has physical and she does not. What is the issue?

She had the doctor perform an oropharyngoscopy and a soft tissue neck x-ray. Are you kidding me? Talk about having a child undergo unnecessary medical procedures!

"His airway was wide open, and other than some mild redness as noted above in the right hypopharynx. He had normal-appearing cords, and all the other structures were of normal appearance without evidence of any edema or airway compromise. I visualized through the cords, and this also appeared normal proximally...His symptoms seemed to be somewhat accentuated by anxiety."

"When I came into the room to perfrom the procedure, the patient had a brief episode of being upset and tearful. His mother stated that he was upset because his father told him to not go to the emergency room before he left Current State to visit his mother this summer. The nursing staff came to me at discharge and stated that his mother requested that I put this in my dictation."

Gee, do you think he might be nervous because he knows his mom is making the Dr stick something down his throat over something stupid, just so she can take jabs at DH? I find it interesting that the 13 year old did not say that DH told him not to go to the emergency room, his mother did. I'm sure SS2 was told not to talk. And she really thinks that because she had something put into the dictation that that somehow verifies it? And why would we tell him that when we know he has no choice in the matter anyway, that once she sees some avenue to disparage DH she is going to no matter what.

Now we know why SS2 called us that night to tell us about it. He knew it was wrong and what she was saying was wrong and he wanted us to find out about it. What to do now, though? Just wait until she tries to use it somehow?

Personally, I think this makes her look like a freak with an agenda, but what do you think a judge would think? I know I'm too close to this to have a rational opinion.

I smell something fishy!

SS1 called BM's mom today to get her Tuna Fish Salad recipe.

Surprise, surprise, SS2 calls this afternoon, because he hasn't talked to SS1 "in a while". In four weeks, he hasn't called to talk to SS1 specifically.

What really happened:

BM's mom called BM and told her that she spoke to SS1 and BM got SS2 to call here to get SS1 on the phone so BM could take the phone from SS2 and SS1 would be stuck talking to BM and listening to her crap.

Thankfully, SS1 is spending the night at a friends, enjoying his summer, and can have a day off from the drama.

Society is Fueling the NPD/BPD Fire!

The whole cell phone issue has me thinking...

I used to think that once judges caught on to the "typical" NPD/BPD behavior, we would see less people getting away with those types of behaviors. But it has dawned on me that society as a whole is becoming more narcissistic and actually condones this type of behavior.

At the core of this theory is the trend of dependence and being better than everyone else.

It is now expected that you can be reached at all hours of the day or night via text, email, cell phone, and if you can't be, you almost have to make up excuses about the power going out or your battery dying. As a business owner, I feel technology can make us more efficient, but shouldn't our personal lives be more, um, personal?

Parents are now going on job interviews with their adult children.

And employees are interviewing employers, instead of the other way around.

Children are not allowed to fail at anything. Everyone gets an award, goals are celebrated even if not achieved, just for the fact of trying. We are training narcissistic behavior in our schools.

It is acceptable for a 30-something to still be living with their parents. And pay no rent. And take money. And then get angry if they have to follow some rules (yes, I watched People's Court today : )

The credit/housing snafu is a huge example of setting unrealistic goals - really, you think you can afford that 5 bdrm house working at McDonald's. Part-time. Sign on the dotted line.

Like taking advantage of others? Here, let the Federal and State governments help you out. You can shun all responsibility for your sexual behavior, keep popping out children and they will pay you! To sit home, on your ass. Even better, if you can get Child Protective Services involved in your dysfunctional family, they will even give you free daycare. So now, you can sit at home, on your ass, and not even have to watch the kids. And then whine to your parents about how you have no money to do anything with the kids and get Grandma and Grandpa to fund your social life, your cell phone, and vacations. Even better, don't do it all with one man, do it with several, and watch the cash come in.

You know that expression, "she thinks her shit don't stink"? There is a growing population that believes they don't even shit. And why should they?

The Cell Phone Drama

This past Christmas, BM called while SS2 was with her to say she wanted to get SS2 a cell phone for a present. DH explained to her that the rule in our house is that the kids don't get cell phones until they are 16. We have had this rule since they first asked for them, around age 8 or 9. This is not a new rule, and SS1 and SS2 have been fully aware of it since then. DH told her she was more than welcome to get a cell phone for SS2 at her house, because we do not interfere in the rules at her house, but he would not be able to have it at our house.

Next ensued a 4 day crisis about cell phones, and what would SS2 do if he was lost in the woods (we live in a rural area)? Daily calls about something that DH had already addressed with her. She even got Perpetual Fiance to call DH and "see if we can work something out." Merry, Merry Christmas!

There is one reason we are not allowing cell phones in our home until the kids are 16. They don't need one. We live in a rural area and they don't even come in consistently at our home, so you really only need it when you are out. The only times the boys are out are when they are with one of us, at school, or with a friend's parent. We are involved parents and know where the children are at all times. We don't let them wander in the woods, take off without telling us, or change plans without prior approval. Children have functioned for hundreds of years without their own cell phone. We do feel when someone starts driving, especially a second hand vehicle, it is important that they can call in an emergency. At 16 they will also be with us less of the time and making more plans "on the fly" since it won't involve us driving them anywhere. We feel at 16 (and driving) it would be appropriate to have a cell phone (not to be used while driving, however!).

What I find interesting about the whole thing is that BM still can't let it go. We just talked to SS2 for our weekly Sunday call, and he let DH know that BM was out getting him a cell phone, and that he wanted us to know it had nothing to do with him. Apparently BM has it in her head and has told SS2 that there is a "law" that says we have to give him a cell phone if she buys it. If any of you have heard of the "Child Cell Phone" legislation that has been passed, please let me know the statute # so I can look it up!

DH told SS2 not to worry about it, that it was something for him and BM to work out. DH got off the phone and laughed, 'cause if she does send it home with him, it is going straight into a box and being sent back to her.

This cell phone is her miracle fix for several problems right now:

1) She knows it is against our rules, so she want to show SS2 how unreasonable and cruel we are.

2) She wants to stick it to SS1 for not towing her line and giving SS2 a cell phone at 13 when SS1 will have had to wait until he is 16 (notice she's not buying one for SS1 or worried if SS1 gets lost in the woods!).

3) She cannot accept the fact the boys may not be available to talk to her 24/7. She expects that when she wants to talk to them they should be waiting by the phone to talk to her. The cell phone is her way to interrupt any quality time the boys may be having with us or their friends. What would she do if the boys went to camp? Most of them don't allow contact for at least the first 10 days. We don't call the boys hourly or daily when they are with her. We feel once a week is perfectly acceptable for the ages of 13 and 15. We also don't interrupt the boys when they are with their friends just to talk about the weather, our latest trip to the hospital, to bribe them, guilt them, threaten them or complain about how BM has done us wrong. The cell phone will be her vehicle for all of this.

Ring, ring...

Mixed Feelings

Part of me feels sad for SS2 and what he's having to deal with right now - being asked to keep secrets, sneaking to use the phone, going to the emergency room for unnecessary reasons.

But the other part of me, the part that has accepted the fact that both SS1 and SS2 have to come to terms with their mother's mental illness on their own and there is nothing we can do to prevent it, is actually glad that it is finally happening for SS2. Until this past Christmas, he has been a complete babe in the woods as far as BM is concerned. He totally felt that any problems BM had were SS1's fault. Now that SS1 hasn't been to visit BM @ Christmas or this summer, SS2 has no choice but to realize that it has NOTHING to do with SS1.

Hospital memories...

This new round of hospital drama is bringing up all the anger I felt during the first one - see here - I just know she's up to something. Not that money is the end all, but she is extremely jealous that DH and I work hard to provide whatever the boys need, we enjoy vacations, and own a home. Yet at every opportunity she tries to make things financially difficult for us, which she doesn't realize only hurts the boys. It would be one thing if she would just not pay child support and leave us alone, but she doesn't pay anything and then tries to suck anything she can out of us.

1) Money for the lawyers needed to finalize the custody.

2) Money for the lawyer we had to hire to clear up Police Reports Round 3.

3) She tried to stick us with the bill for the emergency room visit in Police Reports Round 2. Not only was DH not allowed to see SS2 for 4 hours by the hospital staff, he was then required to sign paperwork saying he was financially responsible before they would let DH see him. I'm quite sure this is because BM's parents both worked at the hospital and she manipulated something, but that was $1,000 we didn't have at that time. And SHE was the one who brought him there for a cold. Needless to say, we never paid the bill and it "disappeared" after we called the hospital Billing Dept and told them what had happened that night, and that we wanted the number our lawyer should call to settle this matter.

4) During the 9 Days of Hell, she called the police to come to our apartment and take all the boys belongings which we had purchased without any help from her.

5) She made us change SS2's airfare and cancel SS1's airfare for this summer, and of course the only airline that flies from us to her charges for flight changes! You can bet she knows that, too!

6) Then there is the money we spend on having things certified, return receipted, and FedExed, all because she can't be trusted and continually changes what she has said or lies about what has been said to her.

7) And most tragic of all, the hours we have paid for therapy for the boys to be able to wrap their brain around her behavior.

Unfortunately, if how she treats her parents and her Perpetual Fiance is any indication, she will be sucking money out of the boys when they are adults as well.

Called the Hospital

Tried to find out where she took SS2 this weekend to the Emergency Room from the insurance, but they won't know for 30-60 days. So I googled the hospitals in the area, and what do you know, I actually hit it on the first one.

Get this - she gave no insurance information, even though she has a copy of his card, and the account was listed under his name alone. The woman in billing said this was very unusual, since minors are always under one parent or another for billing. In other words, she managed to get the bill in SS2's name, so when she never pays it, it will go on his credit instead of hers. She also did not pay the copay, but the billing person said their policy is to make the person who brought the child in pay it, so we might not have to pay that after all.

I just can't figure out a) why she is keeping it a secret from us and b) why she wouldn't give the insurance information (it's not like she's going to pay the bill). The only thing I can think of is she wants to make a big hassle for us to have to weed through dealing with the insurance company. Lucky for us, SS2 tipped us off and we are taking care of it before it becomes a big mess. She's up to something, though!

Summer Emergency Room Trip #1

SS2 leaves us a message at 1:30 am last night to let us know that BM had taken him to the Emergency Room because he "choked" on an ice cube. I'm pretty sure ice cubes melt inside our bodies, so the likelihood of choking on one seems pretty small to me. I could understand if he was a toddler, but we're talking about a 13 year old here.

So he leaves a message telling us that it happened, but that he was fine. BM didn't even let us know and she has no idea that SS2 told us. I can't believe her! This is why she doesn't have custody. If she did, DH would know nothing about the boys (except when they are not having sex with the girl sleeping over).

SS2 didn't talk about it at all on the phone tonight because BM was standing right next to him when we were talking to him. Then while SS1 was talking to SS2, she got SS2 to ask SS1 to talk to her. She just can't let SS2 be and stay out of all her issues with SS1.

Then she gets on the phone and tells SS1 all the things they bought for SS2 and how much money she spent on him, and by the way, she's sending SS1 a sweatshirt. Apparently, he only gets the consolation prize since he didn't come visit this summer (which in her mind is SS1's fault, not her's).

The Sick Voice

BM has a tendency to have two separate voices (well, 3, if you include the "screaming at the top of your lungs" voice.)

The first is her sickening sweet, "I'm the best mommy in the world" voice. This is what she uses when she is trying to make up for something, or bribe the boys, or try to mislead DH into thinking that she is being cooperative, when really she is planning some type of attack. We treat anything said with this voice with extreme caution.

The second is her "sick voice". This is the voice she uses when she is explaining why she couldn't pick the boys up on time, or why she didn't call when she said she would, or why she is canceling her weekend. She also uses this voice when she wants to get something and feels sympathy would boost her case.

What is very odd about the "sick voice" is that it comes and goes in conversation. Sometimes she speaks normally to DH and when he hands the phone to the kids, the "sick voice" starts. Or sometimes it is the opposite, and she speaks to the boys normally, but then when she talks to DH, it is in the "sick voice". A couple times she has left messages in the same day, usually only a few minutes apart, and she apparently has forgotten which voice she was using, because one message will be in the "sick voice" and the other one will be in the "best mommy" voice.

Very odd!

This little piggy cried all the way home!

SS2 called back...

...Guess what, no broken toe! Are you surprised?

Boys will be boys...

...or one would hope. BM has managed to turn SS2 into a perpetual victim. SS2 was born with his aorta wrapped around his esophagus, which was taken care of with surgery before his first birthday. Since then, BM has referred to SS2 as having a heart condition that somehow cripples him and limits what he can do. Once DH gained custody, we took SS2 (age 5 at the time) and his medical records to his pediatrician and confirmed with the doctor that there are NO long term issues regarding his health, that the issue was taken care of, and that he does not have a heart "condition". She has continued to treat SS2 as a victim, someone that needs continuous protection, and has never allowed him to be a "boy".

She takes him to the emergency room for the sniffles and tries to prevent custody exchange by saying DH would not give him his medicine.

She calls Poison Control at midnight because his legs got red when he was soaking in Epsom Salts for his poison ivy (which was recommended to us by the doctor). Why he was taking a bath at midnight, I still don't understand.

She has a hissy if SS2 and SS1 wrestle.

She called Child Protective Services on us because we had him stacking 8 pieces of wood in the sunroom by the stove this winter and he whined to her over the phone that he didn't want to do it and would "kill himself" if he had to keep doing it. She called DH and told him we were treating him like a slave (never mind the fact that we were the ones lugging the wood from the wood pile to the house).

She has made SS2 feel that he is weak, less than normal, and someone that requires extra protection from the rest of the world. It took us years to get him to try anything a little bit challenging or risky. He now has the ambition of a couch potato, gives up if anything is the least bit difficult, and constantly makes excuses for himself.

SS1 will never have a regular rough and tumble brotherly relationship with SS2. When SS2 gets a paper cut, he whines.

I feel sad for him, more than anything, because he's missed out on a lot. He doesn't climb trees, jump his bike, play football (only two-hand touch), or goof off with his brother. Why? Because he has a "heart condition" and has been taught by BM that he is unusually fragile.

Yet SS1's learning disability, which was identified by the school, has been completely ignored by her for years.

A broken toe and sex with the babysitter?

So it has officially been two weeks since SS2 left for the summer. He called DH last week to let him know his toe was broken. He stated his sister had rode in front of him and his foot got stuck in the spokes. Why he wasn't wearing shoes while riding his bike we'll never know! No worries, though, Dr. BM diagnosed it and all is well.

Each time DH has had an opportunity to talk to SS2, BM is always standing right there and takes the phone from him so DH is forced to talk to her, even though he has requested that she contact him in writing about any issues. This last time, her "emergency" that required her to talk to DH right away was to let DH know that a friend's daughter sometimes spends the night, but she wanted DH to know that SS2 and her were not sleeping in the same room and weren't having sex. Hello?????? SS2 got on the phone with DH and was like, "I don't know why she had to tell you that, like what am I gonna do?" This is a kid that finally had his first girlfriend in school this year (7th grade) and all they did was talk on the phone, they didn't even go "on a date". We are not talking about some horn-dog that obsesses about girls or is ready to whip out the condoms.

Today is Sunday, the day DH said he would regularly call SS2. Conveniently, Perpetual Fiance took BM's cell phone by mistake today, so we'll see if SS2 ever calls back.

PS - the one thing I asked SS2 before he left was to not call my cell phone while he was gone. I've already had to change my number, because BM would call mine when she couldn't get a hold of DH. What do you know, he calls the other day from her cell to mine, so now she's got my number again. The first time she calls it when he gets back, off I go to get a new number.

I love you and I love to guilt you!

The boys always enjoy getting mail. Usually it is magazine from a subscription or a card from one of the grandparents. SS1 gets a card from BM's mom this week. Starts off really sweet, and then, bam! in for the kill. I had the blessed honor of reading out loud to SS1 because he couldn't make out the cursive handwriting:

Dear SS1, Grandpa and I hope you're enjoying your summer so far. Enclosed is a little spending money and a picture of our new dog, Ali. She's growing fast and we're having a lot of fun with her. I talked with your Mom today and she's very sad that you haven't returned her calls. She misses you and I hope you change your mind to visit her. Enjoy the summer and be careful! Love Grandma and Grandpa

(Grandpa did not sign the card himself, and probably had no idea what written in it.)

Puleese! SS1 was all excited about the pic of the dog, and when I read the card to him, he just threw the picture down on the floor of the car and sighed. Never mind the fact that he had already talked to BM (see "Can't buy me love, love" entry on June 26th). So either BM is lying to her mom about talking to SS1 or Grandma is really as ruthless as we have always thought. I don't understand why she can't be a Grandma to him and stay out of all the drama?

Her husband does a much better job, and SS1 loves him to death. He never brings up the drama or places undue pressure on either of the kids. In fact, I think a small part of him wistfully wonders what his life would have been like if he had DH's courage to leave. If there is one character in this saga we feel sorry for, besides the kids, it is Grandpa. Not only is his daughter completely irrational, his wife supports it and often acts quite similar. He has always been cordial to DH, especially so when Grandma or BM are not within earshot. He's told DH that he is happy our business is doing well, that he trusts DH's judgment, and when SS1 called to thank him for the card, he suggested that DH, SS1, Uncle B (family friend), and he go to a b-ball game together the next time they are in former home state. It is almost as if he wants to be able to be alone with DH to unload something. He recently had a heart attack, and maybe he feels there are still things he wants to say to DH. Who knows? I do know SS1 would love having his Grandpa and DH together with him again.