SS2 has visited his primary care physician, whose information I supplied to you in a letter dated 8/6/2008. Below is a summary of your allegations and the actual facts.
Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 4:07 pm
...I had to take him in because it swelled up his airway...it doesn’t look like it went down to normal...when he was 10 he was supposed to have either a barium swallow or a bronchioscope, but they put a scope down and he couldn’t get down far enough with it, and said he needs to have it done...
SS2’s airway was wide open, all structures were of normal appearance, there was no difficulty during the exam with the scope. This information is from Dr. ER’s report.
Dr. ER did not say that SS2 needed to have any tests done. The following are direct quotes from an email Dr. ER sent to me, dated 8/7/2008, regarding the care he provided SS2. “I did not request any of the testing you mentioned in your letter.” “If I would have wanted any further testing it would have been arranged at the time of visit.”
There is no recommendation from any of the doctors that saw SS2 that there should be any testing done at age 10. In fact, when I spoke with Dr. LongTimeAgo on 8/12/2008, his attending physician at the time of the surgery, she stated she had never heard of such a recommendation.
...I paid for the emergency room visit...
When I contacted the emergency room billing department, you had not given them the insurance information I supplied to you before SS2’s visit, nor was any payment made.
Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 5:58 pm
...when he had his heart surgery, they nicked his thyroid...
SS2 did not have heart surgery, he had a vascular ring surgery. His post-operative report shows that his thyroid was not in fact “nicked”.
Voicemail from BM, July 27, 2008 8:00 pm
...you better get SS2 the right health attention that he needs, because you have not done it and that is your job. You took that responsibility on when you took me to court. So you better get him into that doctor and have those tests done because if you don’t, I will report you. So you better do it.
From your behavior this summer and in the past regarding SS2’s medical care, there is good reason why I am the primary custodial parent. Your scare tactics to make SS2 think there is something wrong with him and that I am not providing adequate medical care cause me great concern for SS2’s well being while in your care. Your unwillingness to notify me of his trip to the emergency room until 12 days after it happened, as well as your attempt to have SS2 seen for these supposedly “recommended” tests with Dr. H at Physicians Pediatrics on 8/17/2008 without any notification to me also causes me concern. In addition, your misrepresentation about what medical professionals have said regarding SS2’s medical care is irresponsible. Your continued threats are not in anyway helpful to the boys and hold no weight as far as what medical care the boys will receive. Dr. Primary Care is NOT recommending any further testing for SS2, and I have requested that he be referred to a nutritionist so that he can understand more fully how his eating choices are impacting his weight.
Finally, your attempts to use “reports” to try to show any negligence on my part only further document your unstable mental state. You stated to Dr. ER, as noted in his report, that SS2 was supposed to have a formal endoscopic exam at age 10 and that it did not happen. You also stated that we are separated and there are custody issues. Please be aware, the reality is that no recommendations were made for any testing of SS2 at age 10 (and it seems strange to me that you would wait until he was 13 before you made any mention of it), we are divorced, not separated, and there are no custody issues, I am the primary custodial parent and you are the non-custodial parent. You are more than within your rights to file a petition to request any changes to this situation, but implying that there already are considerations being made by the court is inaccurate.
Your last minute attempt to further disparage me with Dr. ER, through your requested “Addendum” to the ER report regarding my telling SS2 he was not to go to the emergency room, and your attempt to imply that he was upset and tearful because of this, shows your willingness to cause the boys discomfort to achieve your own gains. SS2, his counselor and I did discuss what possible things he may have to deal with during his visit with you. One of SS2’s concerns was “emergency room visits”, due to your behavior in the past. We discussed some examples of things that would require emergency room attention, and what would not. SS2 clearly understood that your overreaction to his choking on the ice was not an emergency. Before you left your house, the ice had become dislodged and he was able to speak. Yes, he may have had some discomfort for a bit after, trying to catch his breath, as anyone does when liquid or food “goes down the wrong pipe”, but he was in no way at risk for permanent injury. Instead of blaming his anxiety on me, it may have been more appropriate to call me and let me know what was going on, so that I could reassure him. But it clearly was not your intent to have him reassured at all. In fact, you went to great lengths to use a common occurrence to somehow show there was something wrong with both SS2 and me. You have only showed again your poor judgement when the boys are in your care.
In regards to your taking SS2 out of YourNewHomeState to visit your parents, it also concerns me that you would remove SS2 from YourNewHomeState without the appropriate financial means to send him home. While our agreement states that I am responsible for travel expenses to your home, I am not responsible for changing flights to suit your travel plans, which were made after our agreed flight plans.
I am requesting you respond to this letter in writing or by leaving a voicemail message by September 15, 2008. Please explain your plans to communicate in a more timely manner regarding the boys medical care, as well as your plans to ensure that in the future neither of the boys are stranded away from your home in YourNewHomeState without any means to return at the scheduled time and place.
Will any of it make sense to her? Not a chance. Will she respond as DH requested? Not a chance. Although she did call incessantly for about 20 minutes when the FedEx was delivered. No message though.
August 28, 2008
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8 comments:
I'm wondering what you hope to achieve with this letter. I'm assuming it will just make her mad and lead to retaliation or even worse behavior next summer.
glad you're back, by the way. :)
Unfortunately, this is part of the documentation game. While we know she will miss the point of providing the least amount of chaos for the kids, DH has to document what has happened and his response to it. If DH gives no response, it will be looked at as agreement with her behavior and if it continues, he has no recourse, since he has already accepted it. And especially with the medical issues, since she has no qualms directly lying to DH re: SS2's medical care, DH cannot let that slide. If she does not respond by the 18th, DH will need to do what he can to ensure that these things do not happen again next visit, and if that means having the order spelled out more clearly for BM to grasp, we'll have to go that route.
Frankly, us breathing causes BM to be mad and retaliate, and her behavior is always getting worse, so really, the letter is not changing how she is going to act either way, but rather documenting her behavior and the actions DH has had to take to deal with it, and that he has made an attempt to resolve it with her before taking further action.
I agree that simply being alive is enough to anger some people and cause them to retaliate. Trying to avoid making her angry is probably impossible. Lying about medical care is pretty damn serious. I hope she's at least able to see the danger in her actions, even as she hisses and spits that you called her on it.
OH. MY. GOSH.
I'm really beginning to believe there is some disease that they all have that causes this erratic, bizarre, mentally unstable behavior. It's incredible to me, it really is.
This whole post is something I could see ED doing. The whole thing. The manipulation, the alternate reality, the "I said it so it must be so". It's craziness, pure and simple. It's like your own twisted version of the Twilight Zone.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I understand the need to document, but it's kind of pitiful that this is such a waste of time. I hate talking to someone that just doesn't listen! That and the empty threats to go to court. Because it really wouldn't get her anywhere but backwards from what she is trying to get in the first place?
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too wordy. I'm a huge proponent of "LOW CONTACT" and here's a link to an article I wrote on it.
Appropriate Means of Contact with a High-Conflict Personality
It takes practice and discipline. I agree that these situations (for record-keeping purposes) needed to be documented and addressed to your PEW. However, in the future, I suggest "trimming the fat" and sticking to the matters at hand as succinctly as possible. Leave emotion out of it.
"Think in documentary" - that often helps me. Devoid of emotion. Coldly professional. Always copy yourself on any written correspondence.
Another good thing to remember is that "anything you WRITE can and will be used against you..." - so it's best you keep it short, sweet, and on-topic!
Thanks everyone for your input and support! Yes, the letter will make her hiss and spit, but the beauty of that is she looses control and we actually wind up with more documentation of her contradicting herself and spewing lies that we can show are not true. The sad part is, that behavior now seems predictable and normal for her - the few instances over the years where she has seemed rational have felt like the Twilight Zone, because then you really start to wonder is there a rational person somewhere in there? But within a very short time, you realize that it was just a brief flicker, and then it is out. What she is trying to get has always been a mystery to us. She says she wants to have a better relationship with the boys, yet her actions speak volumes otherwise. I think she wants to be able to "say" she has a good relationship with them, but is not willing or able to act in a way that makes that possible. mister-m, I had to chuckle at your comment, because we thought we had actually done pretty well being concise about the details of the chaos otherwise known as her "summer parenting time." The emotion was left out of it, otherwise the letter would have started something like...
WTF? What kind of sick person uses every contact she has with her children to attack their father and then turn around and play victim? The only reason the children don't despise you is because we have provided them a place (counseling) that encourages them to look past your hurtful behaviors. Wake up before your words and actions bring the boys to a place they cannot get past.
...see, I trimmed a lot of fat ; )
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