Winter Break Update 2

On the 10th, BM leaves a message for DH saying that she has a solution for what is going on. We're not sure if she is talking about the copy of the ID we need or the whole court thing because she of course made the message as vague as possible to force us to feign interest by contacting her. So DH emailed her back a few hours later asking what was on her mind. NO RESPONSE. He even tried to Skype Chat her, but nothing. WTF? Why would you go to the trouble of making a call that you have no intention of following through on? She did have time to leave a message for the boys, though. Go figure. Sooo, 7 days left for her to get the info to us or SS2 doesn't go. I can't believe she is going to make this drama right before the holiday! After this visit, only 8 more visits to arrange and we are DONE!

DH and I had a good laugh last night. We were commenting about how she hasn't responded. We thought, 'She must have realized she was acting rational and called for psychiatric help!' Wouldn't that be ironic? She acts off the wall all the time, and a moment of some clarity scares the crap out of her and she commits herself because something is not quite right. We were rolling on the floor! Not that we in any way think mental illness is funny, just the irony of how some Borderline/Narcissistic types think there is nothing wrong with them and they don't get help, and that thinking clearly would be as strange for them as a psychotic episode would be for us.

Winter Break Update 1

Still no copy of her ID (to let Midwest know since SS2 is flying as an unaccompanied minor). She has until the 20th, but since it has been almost a month since we told her about it, we figured we'd send a reminder today.



Prediction of how this is going to play out:

We hear nothing from her until SS2's flight is canceled, then she will say she sent it/faxed it, but of course will have no proof of such.



Thinking we will probably have our lawyer call her around the 16th or so, to see if he can get anywhere with it.

If you only got to see your kids 2 times a year, would you not make a huge effort to make sure things go smoothly? I just don't get it!

GAL Update 3

Yesterday the GAL Board faxed a letter to our lawyer stating the the GAL assigned to us is NOT certified.

Today in the mail we got the Motion to Dismiss the GAL (included was the letter from the GAL Board). So now we wait to see what the judge orders.

Interestingly, our lawyer spoke to our GAL 11/24 regarding our concerns. Then on 11/25 she proceeds to send us the questionnaire. I'm sure she will try to deduct some money from what she has to refund us for all that "work" she did already. I also find it strange that her letter accompanying the questionnaire is addressed 11/25, yet the postmark is 12/3 and we just got it today.

GAL Update 2 - WTF????

Unbelievable!

Before DH's case was assigned a GAL, I downloaded the list of state certified GAL's. Our GAL was not on the list. So, I figured she was just a new GAL and the state had not updated it's PDF file in a while. Called the GAL board of the state, and what do you know, not only is our GAL NOT certified, she has also had a complaint filed against her from another county. Of course the board cannot do anything about the complaint, because she is not certified and not under their jurisdiction.

My first thought is to the $500 we just sent this woman. Called bank, check had not cleared yet, but did not stop payment, because I wanted to get my facts straight first and not piss off our potential GAL.

So, I call the county that filed the complaint and talked to the clerk. She confirmed that a complaint was filed, but could not discuss because the case was confidential.

So, I call our clerk to find out if the county was in fact required to use certified only GAL's and if there was some type of "grandfathering" rule that had been applied to her. Of course our clerk was in court. By the time I got a hold of her around 3, the check had been cashed : ( The clerk stated that this GAL, as well as several others, are under review, to be held on Dec 15th, as the clerks office had as well become aware that there were certification issues, however the Marital Master had said to go ahead and use her anyway. I gave her the info for the other county clerk for her to call and see if she could get more info than I could. She suggested that since we knew all this information, we should go ahead and file a motion for a new GAL.

So, on the phone with our attorney. He is going to confirm all these facts on Wednesday, when the GAL board opens back up, and then file a motion to assign a new GAL. He is also going to ask that our current GAL be responsible for forwarding the funds to the new GAL. He called the GAL to discuss this with her and she just left us a phone message stating that there must be some confusion because of using her former married name, that she has been certified since 1995, and that she is unaware of any complaints.

She is another BM! Take any shred of factual information and twist it until you can no longer recognize it. First of all, the board has only been around since 2007, so how she could be certified with the board since 1995 is beyond me. Neither of her "names", married or otherwise, are on the list. And she is totally denying the complaint exists.

We are not calling her back until we hear from our attorney on Wednesday to see what he makes of the whole situation.

Of course, we have put ourselves in a precarious position, GOD forbid, the MM says we have to use her and we've started off on a very bad foot. But, I can't imagine with everything we know about her the MM is going to keep her on our case and risk us pursuing this further. This woman needs to be off our case - and I can't believe that we are the ones putting two and two together for everyone. Ughhhhhhh!

GAL Update 1

We made contact with the GAL. After she receives our check, she is sending us the paperwork we need to fill out for her to begin the investigation. I'll let you know what that's like...

Hell has frozen over...

...which is to be expected since it is 14 degrees outside right now!

We have not heard a peep from BM. I'm thinking it is because of the GAL. She's got to be on her best behavior to show that all the documentation we have could not possibly be about her. BM has never been able to not respond negatively to one of our letters. Do you think the judge would allow us to have a GAL assigned to us for the next 4 years? The GAL wouldn't even have to do anything, just be assigned to us, like a watch dog. Just close enough for BM to know she's watching! I would pay $500 a year for that service!

What do you know, still haven't received that letter she said she was sending agreeing to the boys flights! Thank goodness we got that temporary order - Saturday it will be 30 days before their flight. Who the heck makes holiday airline reservations that close?

Part of me is thinking that she is going to back out at the last minute, her "health" will be so bad she can't have the boys come out for Christmas. She'll get to run the boys through the "poor me" ringer, won't have to worry about anything bad happening during her visit that the GAL might hear about before the hearing, and she'll get to screw with us with the airline tickets (although I tell you what, if she does cancel, new reservations will NOT be made until she pays us the fees!).

Below are the last two letters we sent, which BM received this week:

Health Letter:

I received your phone message of November 3, 2008.

I understand your health issues are of great concern to you at this time. I am willing to help ease any stressful situations you may have to deal with in regards to the boys. Your need to manage stress due to your illness will no doubt make communicating regarding the boys’ welfare difficult for you. Any issues regarding the boys’ still need to be addressed, however. My proposed parenting plan speaks to this issue, by granting me sole-decision making responsibility. This will allow you to focus on your health and enjoy the boys’ time with you, without the additional stress of taking part in making major decisions regarding their care. If we are in agreement that this would be the best option due to your ongoing health concerns, we can both sign an agreement and I can file the agreement with the court, leaving the rest of the issues in the proposed parenting plan to be discussed at the next hearing. Please let me know if you would be agreeable to reducing your stress and managing your health this way.

SS1’s eye exam revealed that he has astigmatism, and needs a very mild prescription for reading and driving.

SS2’s consult with the orthodontist resulted in a discussion of 3 options. The first option is to do nothing regarding his overbite, as it does not affect his eating, nor does it cause him any discomfort, except for where his lower teeth touch his palate, for which he could get a retainer to prevent contact. The second option is the corrective jaw surgery. The third option is to use only orthodontics to correct the problem. Regardless, the second and third options would not be something that would happen until his jaw is close to reaching maturity and the orthodontist has a better idea of what will be happening with his front teeth, which would be in his very late teens, early adulthood. No decision will need to be made until he is around 17 years of age. SS2 will be receiving a referral to the surgeon so that the surgeon can evaluate his case and see if he is even a good candidate for the procedure.

In regards to the temporary order regarding transportation, the proposal was read to you in court, you agreed and the judge ordered it. While he may not have filed it yet, the order stands as of the date of the hearing. You are not required to respond in any way to my notification, however your lack of response in 5 days gives me the responsibility to select dates of travel. If you are now represented by legal counsel, please forward to me the contact information so my attorney can make contact.

Flight Letter:

As I have not received a written confirmation from you regarding the boys’ winter vacation flight within 5 days of your notification (November 3, 2008), per the court order of October 29, 2008, I have made the boys’ reservations.

SS2 will be flying as an unaccompanied minor (required by Midwest for children under 15 years of age). Only the person purchasing the flight can add pick-up/drop-off parent information to the reservation, so I will need you to send/fax me a copy of your current photo id that you will be using to drop SS2 off at the airport before December 20, 2008. SS2 will not be able to fly without this information included with his reservation. SS2 will have with him upon his arrival a money order/check written out to Midwest Airlines, which you will need to pay the $50 fee for SS2’s unaccompanied minor service (Midwest policy does not allow me to purchase this ahead of time).

The flight may also only be changed by the person purchasing the tickets, so if you do need me to change the flights for you for any reason, you will need to make sure that I have receipt of the funds required for the change at least 7 business days in advance of the new flight to allow the funds to clear my bank account. Another option would be for you to purchase a new ticket directly from Midwest yourself.

Please contact Midwest (414-570-7000) for information regarding security procedures, check-in/boarding passes, baggage requirements and fees for changing tickets.


The first paragraph of the health letter is designed based on a strategy in the book, "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" by Kreisman & Straus. The strategy is called SET and is discussed in Chapter 6 on Communicating with the Borderline. SET stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. Basically you try to smooth their feathers before you whack 'em with reality. At this point, we're willing to try anything!

I still can't believe she hasn't left a nasty message - I love the sound of silence : ) If it weren't winter, I could hear the crickets chirping!

Like talking to a brick wall...

So we sent the proposed flight schedule for BM to agree to. She received it on 11/3. She leaves DH a voicemail message about how she is tired of getting harassed by him, that she called the clerk and there is nothing filed from the hearing and he needs to stop sending her things, that she got "legal advice" and she doesn't have to put up with it, and that she is sending the confirmation back because she did agree to it (even though she doesn't think she has to since the paperwork is not yet "in the file").

11/7 - another voice mail stating that she is sending back the confirmation.

11/8 - her 5 days are up, no confirmation!

11/12 - still no confirmation, we book the flight. Since she has dragged this whole thing on for so long, the original flight on the 23rd is no longer available. So we can either have the boys fly at 6 am or the night before, either way they will miss school on the 23rd. So we opt for the evening of the 22nd. The return flight for SS2 was cheaper on 1/2 than it was for the original date of 1/4, and since she is getting an extra day on the 22nd, we opted for SS2 coming back 1/2. She's gonna bitch, but she had her opportunity to respond and she chose not to. So, in less than 15 days from the hearing, we already get to test out our order ; )

We'll be sending her the flight info tomorrow, I can just imagine the voice mails we'll get. The beauty of Midwest Airlines, though, is only the person purchasing the ticket can make changes. So she'll either have to send us the $ upfront, or purchase her own ticket if she wants to mess around with any dates. Thankfully, Midwest does not just automatically charge the purchasing credit card when changes are made, which was my fear. They do, however, have a stupid policy about not being able to pay the unaccompanied minor fee at the time of purchase. So, since SS2 will be flying as an unaccompanied minor on the way home, we have to send a check/money order written out to Midwest for BM to give to them before he boards.

Another interesting point about the unaccompanied minor issue is that only the purchaser can update the airline with the info for who is picking up/dropping off the child. The info must match the photo id of the person picking up/dropping off. Soooo, we have to get a copy of her DL to see what address she has listed. What do you want to bet it is still FormerHomeState? What do you bet she doesn't send us the info? SS2 will not be able to fly if she doesn't, so if we don't get it by the 22nd, he'll have to stay home. Do you think she'll push this envelope? - yup!

PS - the judge filed the order on 11/4, so even if we go by that date, she still did not make her 5 day deadline.

In his order, the MM states: The court assumes her objection to the Petition of Modification, but she will be required to file a written Answer to the allegations in that Petition.

Do you think she will file it? Nope.

MM also states: She is requested to file her updated Financial Affidavit, Proposed Parenting Plan, and Pretrial Statement in advance of the pretrial conference. She is reminded that when she files something with the court she is required by Rule to mail a copy to counsel for Mr. DH, and required to certify on the filing that she has done so.

Do you think she will do any of this? Nope.

And I hope it royally pisses the MM off.

Pretrial is set for 1/22, by which the GAL needs to have a preliminary report.

We also got the name of the GAL assigned to our case. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Oh, what a happy day!

TA DAH!

I'm back. We had a hearing today, hence the lack of blogging for about a month. Didn't want anything out there in the internet world, just in case.

The initial petition was filed to Register a Foreign Order. DH filed back in August, when we had concerns because she was threatening not to return SS2 from his summer visit. BM played the "the certified letter notices fell under my stairs" routine, so he had to have her personally served. Hearing was set for today. After SS2 came back, and we had to go through the drama regarding his medical care, DH decided enough was enough, and he filed a Petition to Determine Jurisdiction and Motion to Modify Court Order, along with a revised proposal for a parenting plan. He may not get everything he asked for, but he figured if he is going back to court, he might as well try.

So today we had no idea what the marital master (MM) was going to address. The clerk had told us that he would only hear issues regarding registering the order. We also did not know if BM would be appearing as she never returned the Notice of Appearance that she was served.

We show up to court today, and sure enough, she is appearing on the phone. The MM enters, swears everyone in, and off we go.

1) The first thing he addressed was jurisdiction (so glad DH filed that : ).

MM asks BM if she was in agreement that the boys had lived in OurNewState since May of 2007. She started venting about how HerNewState should have jurisdiction, and that she was in the process of trying to get that. So the MM asked her again, Ms. BM, do you agree... Finally she said yes. He asked her if there were any pending hearings in any state. She goes on again about how she was planning to get HerNewState to take jurisdiction. Again, he asks her if anything is pending, she says no.

MM asks her if she in fact moved to HerNewState at the beginning of 2008. Again she vents about how HerNewState should have jurisdiction. So the MM asked her again, Ms. BM, do you agree that you moved at the beginning of 2008... Finally she said yes...and then vents some more. MM explained to her that only OurNewState or FormerHomeState could possibly have jurisdiction. There are no circumstances where her state could claim jurisdiction. MM determines that OurNewState has jurisdiction. STRIKE ONE!

2) MM registered the order.

3) MM assigned a GAL. Total surprise at first, since we did not request it, but thinking about what we had asked for in the Motion to Modify Court Order (including her not slapping SS1 in the face as discipline and calling the police before giving DH a chance to get him home), it appears that MM read between the lines and understands how involved this situation is. Then BM acts all happy, and states that "all I wanted was a GAL", as if it was her idea. STRIKE TWO!

(She has no idea how horrendous this will be for her. Not only are we looking forward to her rambling on with accusations that don't make any sense to any rational person, we are so looking forward to speaking to the GAL ourselves and showing our documentation, as well as having the GAL speak to the boys. While we are aware that some GAL's just don't get it in custody cases where primary custody is being determined, chances are very slim that the GAL is not going to be able to see what is going on, since DH has had custody for over 8 years now and she is still acting the same way she always has, and we are sure that just as the MM has concerns about the case, the GAL will as well. Of course we will be stuck with the bill, since she is never responsible for anything, but the joy of us reading the report will be worth every penny.)

3) After ordering the GAL, MM asked if there were any other motions he should be addressing. We had a feeling that MM would not be addressing our Motion to Modify a Court order at this hearing, so our attorney presented a Temporary Order as follows:

Transportation arrangements for the children between the parents shall be as follows: DH will notify BM in writing the dates of the children's winter and summer vacations at least 45 days prior to the first day of each vacation. BM shall respond in writing within five days indicating the days she would like the children to travel to and from her residence, and DH shall make airline reservations for the children which conform to BM's request as nearly as possible. If no response is received within five days, DH shall select the dates the children will travel and purchase appropriate airplane tickets. If BM seeks to change travel times/dates selected through either method, she shall be responsible for all costs associated with said changes. If changes to the travel schedule are required due to inclement weather, both parties shall seek to cause the children to travel earlier than later, in order to reduce the chance of the children being required to wait at an airport for extended periods of time.

In order for SS1 to be able to drive while visiting BM, BM must insure SS2 on her own policy.

MM asks BM if she has any objections to the order and she says no! STRIKE THREE! What the heck??? That is all we asked for this summer, but it was too much for her to agree to. Are you kidding me? She's trying to look like the "cooperative" one, but voicemails don't lie! The driving thing we threw in because there is no way we are paying to have her car fixed with her lack of supervision. Plus our concern is that she could get in a wreck while SS1 was there and say he was driving. Who would the insurance company believe? Her or a 16 year old new driver?

4) MM asks if there are any other motions to be considered. BM pipes up and goes on a 6-7 minute tirade about me!!! How I send her harassing letters, how DH has to ask me if any changes are made, rattles off several of her medical issues, how she offered to pay to change the flight and how his petition makes her look like she was not financially able to return the boys, how she hasn't wanted to, but she has had to show the kids court documentation to "defend herself", brings up the issue about HerNewState should be able to have jurisdiction because of her health issues, blah, blah, blah. Even though he didn't physically do it, I could see the MM mentally rolling his eyes. As she never took a breath during the whole 6-7 minute rant, he was unable to get a word in, even after several attempts. He finally flat out interrupted her and said, "These are all things you can discuss with the GAL." He was probably thanking his lucky stars he had just assigned a GAL. Our attorney stated to the MM that of course we had rebuttal statements for the allegations she was making, but that this was obviously not the time to bring them before the MM. I swear the MM smirked the smallest of smirks and stated that DH's right to rebuttal would be ensured. MM then closed the hearing and walked out. Oh, happy day!

What makes us overjoyed is that we are sure BM is sitting there already thining of all the things she is going to tell the GAL. She is going to be so worked up by the time she talks to the GAL she is going to come off as completely off her rocker. She can't help herself.

She is going to drag up things from 10 years ago, from even before their separation, that has nothing to do with the boys' welfare now. She can't help herself.

Just as she leaves messages contradicting herself all the time, she will be unable to have a conversation with the GAL without doing that. She can't help herself.

Just as she (usually) starts off a conversation calm, she works herself up to the point that she is screaming/crying/cursing by the end. She can't help herself.

Hope this GAL is ready - it is going to be quite a ride. Finally, someone to share the chaos with ; )

Pretrial Conference will be scheduled within 90 days, so shortly after Winter Break. Do you think she can be on her best behavior for the whole 12 days of their visit (I bet not!). By the conference the GAL's report should be done, and we'll see where we stand. It should all be sorted out by summer, and DH is seriously considering asking for the boys to only go out there for half of the summer, since both of them have complained about the whole summer thing in counseling. We'll see.

We're hoping things will continue to be quiet, as we haven't heard a peep from her since she was served, but old habits die hard, and I'm sure she'll have to vent to DH about something!

It will also be interesting to see how she handles this with the boys. We didn't say anything to them about going back to court, but after she was served, she felt the need to call the boys and tell them that DH was trying to kill her (you know, stress and all those medical conditions). The boys came out of their room pissed and let us know what she said. SS1 also said she wouldn't be able to send him the birthday money she promised him because she needed to get a lawyer (funny, she appeared pro se today), and didn't even send him a birthday card. SS2 told us that BM had interrogated him almost daily for the rest of the summer about whether he had told DH about the emergency room visit, and he was getting tired of having to lie and tell her no, because he just wanted the rest of the visit to go smooth. I am sure that she will not be able to go for any length of time without telling the boys about the GAL, and what things they should "remember" to tell the GAL. I'm sure that won't make the GAL happy and I know it won't make the boys happy to have to listen to her regurgitate every hateful thing she has ever said to them about DH.

Whew - that was a lot. I'll keep you posted on any new developments : )

The test of her newfound "rational thinking"...

Letter being sent tomorrow:

I received your numerous and lengthy voice mails from September 9, 2008, however, none of them offered any solutions to the issues I asked you to respond to in my letter of August 22, 2008:

Please explain your plans to communicate in a more timely manner regarding the boys medical care, as well as your plans to ensure that in the future neither of the boys are stranded away from your home in BMHomeState without any means to return at the scheduled time and place.

This leads me to believe that you are unwilling to offer any solutions to the problems experienced this summer with your parenting time with SS2.

Enclosed you will find a letter which needs to be signed and returned to me by September 27th, confirming that you are in agreement with my proposed solutions to the problems. Upon receipt of your agreement, flight reservations will be made. Without your written agreement by the 27th, I will have to entertain other options to ensure the boys’ well-being during your parenting time.


Winter 2008 Flight Arrangements:
The first day of Winter Vacation is December 24, 2008. The last day of Winter Vacation is January 4th.

I would like SS2 to arrive _______________________ (date) and depart _________________ (date).
I would like SS1 to arrive _______________________ (date) and depart _________________ (date).


All Future Parenting Time, starting with Winter 2008:
Travel Arrangements:
I, BM, am aware that once I have agreed to flight dates, no changes will be made to original flight reservations. Any changes in dates/times/locations must be agreed upon in writing, and I am responsible for providing my own flight reservations and purchasing tickets. The boys will not travel outside BMHomeState, unless I have the financial ability to purchase tickets, or secure some other form of transportation, to ensure their return to OurHomeState on the date scheduled.

It is my responsibility to monitor the weather and determine if circumstances require the boys to leave early to avoid any flight cancellations, as I did during my parenting time in the summer of 2008. Should I notify you of such an event, you will be responsible for changing any flights to arrange for the boys travel back to OurHomeState.

Medical Care:
It is my responsibility to notify you immediately of any visits the boys may have to the Emergency Room or any other health care provider. If the situation is not immediately LIFE THREATENING, I will consult with you before seeking medical care. If the situation is life threatening, I will notify you upon arrival at the hospital, with a description of the incident, hospital name and phone number, and confirmation that insurance information has been provided to the medical provider.

Discipline:
I will notify you if either of the boys need to return to OurHomeState early due to discipline issues instead of physically striking either of them or seeking police intervention. You will be responsible for any changes in flight arrangements should such an event occur.

___________________________________ _______________
Signature Date

Are you surprised?

She missed the deadline to offer any solutions. She left 5 messages on the 9th, each message filling up the alloted voice mail space, so she kept getting cut off and had to call back. I'd give you a verbatim, but frankly, I don't have the time or energy to transcribe over 45 minutes of ramblings. I'll bullet the major points of interest.

Mssg 1 (sick voice which turns into crying voice)
*she misunderstood about his thyroid, and only came to this realization after her father explained it to her (so glad someone in her world is paying attention)

*she has had to go through so much with her health and SS2 takes after her, so he must have health problems, so he should be tested just to find out (what a sick way to try to find common ground with your child)

Mssg 2 (sick voice)
*claims ER Dr lied in his report (yeah, like he had nothing better to do)

*said it was SS2's CHOICE to go the emergency room (who's the adult?)

*said it was SS2 that asked her not to call DH about the ER visit (funny, 'cause SS2 was the one that called us and told us about it in the wee hours of the morning)

Mssg 3 (voice coming back to normal, slight twinge of haughtiness)

*still bringing up the Spring Break issue (see previous posts for that bundle of joy)

*she lists the medications she has been on (this I gotta quote) "Look at the side effects of the medication I'm on. It causes 'roid rage, it causes psychotic episodes." (yup, she actually admitted it)

*she is no longer taking the medications, because they are obviously "causing too many problems" (again, no responsibility for her actions)

Mssg 4 (sick voice coming back, going full throttle into "feel sorry for me" mode)

*all her health issues are what caused her to "snap at SS1", "there are things, and SS2 saw it for himself, that there was unnecessary disrespect" (hell has frozen over, you mean all the things she denied ever happening really did happen?)

(she almost had me here, and then she lost it)

*neither DH or I understand what it is like to have a child grow inside of us, and they are part of her body (strange how we can understand how to relate to them and parent them, though)

*we took them away and ripped her heart out (odd how she doesn't remember fleeing the FormerHomeState with the children, which is what allowed DH to get Temp Custody in the first place, she had no problem ripping his heart out when he didn't know where they were for months!)

*it's just not fair that she has to miss out on them growing up just because of her health (she really doesn't get why she doesn't have custody of them! she really doesn't understand how HER actions led to what happened)

*she admits that we have done a good job with the boys and they are doing very well (finally, the recognition we have been living for, NOT!)

*she wants DH to stop sending her the letters by FedEx because she is off her medicine right now and she can "rationalize everything" (can't tell from these messages)

*she says the boys are part of "both of us" (so you mean DH did have a hand in creating them, they didn't spring virginally from "her body")

*it is going to be a better situation, now that she is not on her meds anymore (that is wishful thinking! she had these issues long before she became disabled and started taking her shopping list of medications)

*she's made mistakes and said things she really didn't mean (hard to tell at this point what things she means and what she doesn't)

*now she wants SS1 to come at least for a week so she can see him (you mean use as an emotional punching bag?)

Mssg 5 (very snotty voice)

*she can't imagine me having the "luxury" to go see a therapist just to deal with everyday life, and that I should have her problems to see what real problems are (hello, your actions are the only problems I need to see a therapist for)

*she wants to have a normal relationship with them, her health has come in the way, it is not her fault (the story of her life)


She really expects a free pass, as if DH is going to call her and tell her that she can do whatever she wants and treat people however she wants and we'll all give her an "excuse" note. She really thinks these messages show how she has a complete understanding of why things are the way they are, yet in fact, her comments only highlight how disjointed her reasoning is. The erratic changes in her voice, the contradictions from one minute to another, the continued fantasy that she is not responsible for anything, and yet deserves having everyone bend to her illogical thinking because she is the "mother". I used to think she was a spiteful person that spent her time thinking of ways to mess with us, and that one day she may get over it and things could be better. These messages have just confirmed for me that she does live in an alternate reality and things are never going to change. No matter what she does or says to hurt people, she will always see herself as the victim.

Response to BM re: Summer Chaos

SS2 has visited his primary care physician, whose information I supplied to you in a letter dated 8/6/2008. Below is a summary of your allegations and the actual facts.

Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 4:07 pm
...I had to take him in because it swelled up his airway...it doesn’t look like it went down to normal...when he was 10 he was supposed to have either a barium swallow or a bronchioscope, but they put a scope down and he couldn’t get down far enough with it, and said he needs to have it done...

SS2’s airway was wide open, all structures were of normal appearance, there was no difficulty during the exam with the scope. This information is from Dr. ER’s report.
Dr. ER did not say that SS2 needed to have any tests done. The following are direct quotes from an email Dr. ER sent to me, dated 8/7/2008, regarding the care he provided SS2. “I did not request any of the testing you mentioned in your letter.” “If I would have wanted any further testing it would have been arranged at the time of visit.”
There is no recommendation from any of the doctors that saw SS2 that there should be any testing done at age 10. In fact, when I spoke with Dr. LongTimeAgo on 8/12/2008, his attending physician at the time of the surgery, she stated she had never heard of such a recommendation.

...I paid for the emergency room visit...

When I contacted the emergency room billing department, you had not given them the insurance information I supplied to you before SS2’s visit, nor was any payment made.

Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 5:58 pm
...when he had his heart surgery, they nicked his thyroid...

SS2 did not have heart surgery, he had a vascular ring surgery. His post-operative report shows that his thyroid was not in fact “nicked”.

Voicemail from BM, July 27, 2008 8:00 pm
...you better get SS2 the right health attention that he needs, because you have not done it and that is your job. You took that responsibility on when you took me to court. So you better get him into that doctor and have those tests done because if you don’t, I will report you. So you better do it.

From your behavior this summer and in the past regarding SS2’s medical care, there is good reason why I am the primary custodial parent. Your scare tactics to make SS2 think there is something wrong with him and that I am not providing adequate medical care cause me great concern for SS2’s well being while in your care. Your unwillingness to notify me of his trip to the emergency room until 12 days after it happened, as well as your attempt to have SS2 seen for these supposedly “recommended” tests with Dr. H at Physicians Pediatrics on 8/17/2008 without any notification to me also causes me concern. In addition, your misrepresentation about what medical professionals have said regarding SS2’s medical care is irresponsible. Your continued threats are not in anyway helpful to the boys and hold no weight as far as what medical care the boys will receive. Dr. Primary Care is NOT recommending any further testing for SS2, and I have requested that he be referred to a nutritionist so that he can understand more fully how his eating choices are impacting his weight.

Finally, your attempts to use “reports” to try to show any negligence on my part only further document your unstable mental state. You stated to Dr. ER, as noted in his report, that SS2 was supposed to have a formal endoscopic exam at age 10 and that it did not happen. You also stated that we are separated and there are custody issues. Please be aware, the reality is that no recommendations were made for any testing of SS2 at age 10 (and it seems strange to me that you would wait until he was 13 before you made any mention of it), we are divorced, not separated, and there are no custody issues, I am the primary custodial parent and you are the non-custodial parent. You are more than within your rights to file a petition to request any changes to this situation, but implying that there already are considerations being made by the court is inaccurate.

Your last minute attempt to further disparage me with Dr. ER, through your requested “Addendum” to the ER report regarding my telling SS2 he was not to go to the emergency room, and your attempt to imply that he was upset and tearful because of this, shows your willingness to cause the boys discomfort to achieve your own gains. SS2, his counselor and I did discuss what possible things he may have to deal with during his visit with you. One of SS2’s concerns was “emergency room visits”, due to your behavior in the past. We discussed some examples of things that would require emergency room attention, and what would not. SS2 clearly understood that your overreaction to his choking on the ice was not an emergency. Before you left your house, the ice had become dislodged and he was able to speak. Yes, he may have had some discomfort for a bit after, trying to catch his breath, as anyone does when liquid or food “goes down the wrong pipe”, but he was in no way at risk for permanent injury. Instead of blaming his anxiety on me, it may have been more appropriate to call me and let me know what was going on, so that I could reassure him. But it clearly was not your intent to have him reassured at all. In fact, you went to great lengths to use a common occurrence to somehow show there was something wrong with both SS2 and me. You have only showed again your poor judgement when the boys are in your care.

In regards to your taking SS2 out of YourNewHomeState to visit your parents, it also concerns me that you would remove SS2 from YourNewHomeState without the appropriate financial means to send him home. While our agreement states that I am responsible for travel expenses to your home, I am not responsible for changing flights to suit your travel plans, which were made after our agreed flight plans.

I am requesting you respond to this letter in writing or by leaving a voicemail message by September 15, 2008. Please explain your plans to communicate in a more timely manner regarding the boys medical care, as well as your plans to ensure that in the future neither of the boys are stranded away from your home in YourNewHomeState without any means to return at the scheduled time and place.

Will any of it make sense to her? Not a chance. Will she respond as DH requested? Not a chance. Although she did call incessantly for about 20 minutes when the FedEx was delivered. No message though.

I'm Back!!!!!

Sorry about that...had to recharge the batteries! SS2 has been fine since he is back. He had some questions about the whole emergency room thing, so we talked about what we had found out from his records and the ER doctor, and he went the next day to the pediatrician's for his physical. Pediatrician had already had a chance to review the information we had dropped off, so was totally up to speed about what happened. She is not recommending any of the tests BM insists need to be done, as SS2 has NO SYMPTOMS. SS2 seemed relieved, and went on his merry way. She also was able to refer us to a nutritionist for SS2, because he just won't believe us when we tell him taking a sandwich and 3 packages of crackers is not an appropriate school lunch. Nor is buying himself energy drinks instead of water a good choice when he rides his bike into town to visit his friends. At 13, he spends more and more time away from our immediate supervision, and he needs to get a grasp on the choices he makes when we are not there. Sooo, that is headed in the right direction anyway. Pediatrician didn't say anything about being contacted by BM - big surprise.

Then we jumped right into school clothes and supply shopping. And the first day of school. So the last week has just been one thing after another. Oh, and then Friday, after being told specifically by us not to ride bikes at his friend's baseball practice (SS2 was spending the night at this friend's house), SS2 convinced the friend's mom to bring the friend's bike to the practice, he fell over the handlebars, and hurt his wrist. No sleepover that night! Then SS2 was, of course, crippled and consumed by his injury, and kept talking about what kind of cast he would have, so we knew he was already getting ready to tell BM that he broke his arm. So next am, back to the pediatrician we go, x-ray, and only a sprained wrist. He has had to wear a hand brace for the week, which really put a damper on his last days of summer vacation, and could quite possibly interfere with his participation in our canoe trip planned for this weekend. Lesson learned, hopefully.

DH left a message for BM regarding SS2's wrist and SS2 called BM when he got home from the pediatrician, but although BM has left messages every night on SS2's phone, he has yet to call her back. Not quite sure what he is avoiding.

Oh, and you're going to love this. Remember how BM was too poor to make the change in flight arrangement's for SS2 herself? Well, now she's told SS1 that she is sending him $500 for his truck. Hello????? Even SS1 isn't checking the mail everyday to see when it comes.

He's Back!

You can never know...

SS2 is coming home tonight!

This morning BM called, sick voice and all, wanting to make sure that we didn't "misunderstand" her message the other day, that they were trying to get a lawyer for her dad, not for her. Gee, wonder what would make us think that? Maybe the nasty message she left us? And her dad's lawyer was going to get her an "excuse" note from the courts to not send SS2 home on time? Reality just changed folks before your very eyes.

Then she says that because of the hurricane coming, and because SS2 wants to see his friends, she wants to get him out early. Apparently that is what it takes to get her to think about her child - a hurricane stronger than herself.

So we emailed her at her parents with the first non-stop flight information for tonight, and said we weren't booking it until she responded via email confirming that he would be on the flight. This is her response:

Yes! that is fine. I will have SS2 at the airport at that time. Thank you for understanding about my dad. You know I would do the same if you went through this with your parents.

It is as if none of the crap she has said the last few weeks even happened. I'm glad we make her leave messages, or DH and I would think we just had nightmares everyday and that none of it really happened. How she can get from demanding that SS2 stay longer, to sending him home early is beyond me.

I'll let you guys know tomorrow if SS2 is actually back tonight! Keep your fingers crossed!

We are so ready for this summer visit to be over!

Such is the way of the world...

Thinking about smirking cat's comment on the "And the winner is..." post, I have felt that way a lot this weekend. DH and I are normally the most flexible, understanding people out there. Over the years, we have made many alterations in schedule to accommodate BM. And while more saintly people may say, "just pay for the flight change and be done with it", BM's behavior over this past year has finally caused us to reach a point where we can no longer find it in ourselves to extend that olive branch. There is only so much abuse one can take and still give. Or, more accurately, we feel there is only so much abuse one should have to take.

Ironically, we had several occasions this weekend to see this type of thing in play. We went to a local water park and during our trip we had some + ups and - downs...

+ DH and I helped someone jump start their car.

+ A stranger, obviously in dire need, since we were in a rural area and there wasn't a gas station for miles, bummed cigarettes off of us at the rest area.

+ We used our seasons pass coupons to feed the other 9 people in our group.

- We got 5 chairs around the wave pool for the 12 of us to share as we came and went. 4 of them had people in them and the 5th person had just gotten up to change into her suit in the bathroom right behind us. A stranger woman came over and picked up our 5th chair, and when I said to her someone is using that chair, she said in the snottiest voice ever, "There was nothing on it!" and walked away with our chair. Maybe my friend broke the first rule of water park chairs and forgot to throw a towel on her chair before she left, but if someone told me the chair was being used, I would have said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize" and I would have put the damn chair back down. Needless to say, I was waiting, oh so patiently, for her to get up out of that chair so a "mysterious" wind could have come by and knocked her towel off the chair so I could go reclaim it, but, alas, the water park closed before the nasty stranger woman ever got up (I had fallen asleep and may have missed my opportunity!)

- We purchased one of the souvenir cups that you can refill all day for free. SS1 went to the counter to have the girl refill it. She also had another stranger's cup in her hand, same color as ours. She turns back around from the soda machine, says "oops, I don't remember which was which" and then expects SS1 to take a cup which may or may not have been his. Then when we go over to request a new cup, she at first refuses! Needless to say, we got a new cup.

- We check into the hotel, which one of the members of our group had booked (she is a travel agent) and they wanted to charge us more than what it had been reserved for - like by $40 per room. When she went to speak with the manager in the am about it, he said he would not honor her reservation rate, because that is not what they regularly charge, even though she had the reservation paperwork with her. He said that he was going to charge her the more expensive rate, to which she replied, "that is fine, I will go home and dispute the charges and you won't ever get the money", needless to say we got the discounted rate.

- We stopped at a cheese store on the way home and I went into the store next door to purchase a really cute water-colored card of eggs in a basket to frame, since our chickens just started laying. The card was $3.00 and the "artist" who owned the store refused to sell it to me because I didn't have cash, even though there was a card machine right on the counter. As a business owner I understand having to incur expenses, and frankly, I would have been willing to pay a little more for the card to cover her charge card machine costs for my transaction, but she flat out refused! Needless to say, instead of digging through my car and purse for $3.00 of change or asking one of my friends for cash, I put the card down and walked out.

DH and I have no problem being generous and helping others out. However, there are some damn nasty people in the world, and the more others encourage and tolerate their nastiness, the more nasty people are going to get. There is a fine line between taking the high road and letting yourself get walked over. We have tried the high road with BM for so long and it has only bitten us in the butt. Were she a typically generous, flexible person herself, we would surely be willing to work with her, but our high road has come to a dead end, and we aren't going to tolerate her nastiness anymore.

Ramping Up

So BM leaves another message after we talk to SS2 and says she's going to an attorney on Monday to get an "excuse" note from the courts so she doesn't have to send SS2 home on the 20th (now she has to help her dad fill out disability paperwork since he just got laid off and she's an expert on disability paperwork). I hope the free legal aid lawyer has a clue. FormerHomeState isn't the home state anymore and it is now her responsibility to get SS2 home, since she is choosing not to use the reservation already made for him. Her dad must be doing really bad because he took SS2 golfing yesterday and tomorrow they are going to a professional football pre-season game. Wonder what lies she is going to tell the lawyer?

SS2 is starting to panic...

He just called DH and in a round-about way, tried to find out what was going on. He asked if we were still planning to do the 4-wheeler trip and stay at a cabin when he gets back. We said of course, and he said, "so nothing's been canceled or anything?" and we're like "no, everything is the same, see you on Wednesday". One way or another that child is coming home on Wednesday! I can't believe she is doing this to him, when he should be thinking about getting ready for school, school shopping, and hanging out with his friends the last week before school's out. Instead he is worried about if he's going to make it home.

And the winner is...

Option 1!

Just got a message from BM stating that her father lost his job, and she has to stay to help him fill out paperwork, so she is staying and DH can have her arrested, but she would do this for DH if something happened to his parents.

Whatever! She isn't even having SS2 visit DH's family while they are down in Former Home State, in fact, she has never taken the kids to visit DH's family, even though we make sure they always see her parents when they are in Former Home State. Plus, it is very clear that it has been her intention for most of the summer to not send SS2 home on his flight.

Here's our reply, emailed and faxed today:

I received your message regarding your choice to not send SS2 home on his scheduled flight. SS2 is due home by 9:20 pm on August 20th. Please let me know what other arrangements you have made to have him home by this time. I am willing to pick him up either at the Blah, Blah or Blah, Blah airports. After you have made the arrangements, please let me know his reservation confirmation #, flight number and arrival time.

We are going to wind up in court over this - I can feel it!

Rise

Such is the way of the world
You can never know

Just where to put all your faith
And How will it grow?

Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories

Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold

Suddenly swallowed by signs
Lo and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically

Gonna rise up
Throw down my Ace in the Hole

-Eddie Vedder, Into the Wild


Really needing this song today...not sure how I'm going to make it to the 20th. The anxiety of what could happen is overwhelming.

Predictions for the 20th:

1) BM will try one last attempt to get DH to change the flight.

2) There will be some type of natural disaster preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight (my guess, flood).

3) There will be some type of construction delay, they will get lost, or there will be a vehicle break-down preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight.

4) She gets "sick" while visiting her parents, hospitalized, of course, preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight.

5) She gets it in her head to file some ex parte motion in FormerHomeState while she is down there.

Which of these will play out? We'll have to wait and see...but it will be a miracle if all we have to do is go to our airport and pick him up!

I think she has finally left the planet...

So last night, at midnight, the boys' phone starts ringing. It is BM and she says "Hi, SS2, it's mom. Give me a call back." HELLOOOOOO - SS2 is with her! So either she left a message for SS1 and couldn't even remember his name, or SS2 is out somewhere on his own at 11 pm their time and she's trying to get a hold of him on a cell and she dialed the wrong number. WTF?

She called 2 more times immediately after that, once leaving another message to call her back, but did not say a name, and she also called DH's phone, but did not leave a message. Does anything she does make any sense?

ER Dr.'s Response

I have been out of town and have just returned and read your letter. I wanted to respond to your concerns in writing as per your request. As for your first concern, SS2's mother stated that when he was 5 months old he was seen and treated by a specialist who had recommended certain tests when he was older that she stated were never done. What I told her was that the testing I performed that evening would not replace any formal testing that he was suppose to have and that if these were in fact previously recommended that SS2 should be in contact with his specialist for this testing. I did not request any of the testing you mentioned in your letter. From my standpoint he had some very mild irritation with no long term issues from the incident on 7/12/08. In my opinion he will be perfectly fine to follow with his primary doctor when he returns from his summer visit. If I would have wanted any further testing it would have been arranged at the time of visit. I hope that this clarifies the situation and if you need to contact me please use the reply email.

What a great guy! This is exactly what we needed to give to the pediatrician. From past experience dealing with anyone who has had contact with BM, we really expected him to blow us off. Apparently there are a few people left in the world who actually care about the children and aren't scared off by the drama! I also thought it was very generous of him to give us his email, as it is impossible to contact him by phone. BM is so full of shit, and it actually sickens me that she would want SS2 to have to go through invasive procedures just to try to show she is a "good mommy." Don't parents want to avoid having their child go through unnecessary testing and anxiety? Ugghh!

His shorts may still be blue!

Before SS2 left his counselor gave him an example of how he may have to deal with BM. He pointed to SS2's blue shorts and said that BM might try to make him believe that they are red. And he may have to agree with her that the shorts are red to appease her, but that we all wanted him to come home and know his shorts are still blue.

DH left SS2 his usual Sunday message, and SS2 called back. Since BM has been raging for about 2 weeks now, we are sure he has had an earful and have had no idea where his head is at. Well, when DH talked to him, he was very talkative at first, since BM didn't know he was on the phone with DH. Apparently she came looking for him, because he called "I'm in here." After that, DH said he was more subdued, but until then, he had been asking all about how we all were - he even asked about his dog! He told DH about his friends from here that he had talked to recently and wanted to know how the progress on his 4-wheeler was going (DH has ordered parts and torn it all apart to get it ready for when SS2 gets back). SS2 seemed annoyed because apparently they are not going to Six Flags as promised, and he said they haven't really done anything since the last time we talked to him.

This was totally not what we expected. We figured he'd be all quiet and maybe even pissed at us. DH was ready for the accusatory tone he has had before when swayed by BM's drama. Nothing! As much as this drama sucks, SS2 may have finally realized it has nothing to do with his brother, but rather BM self-inflicting it. One can only hope! It definitely seems as though he still knows his shorts are blue, though : )

Incessant Phone Calls

Since the 27th, we have gotten an almost daily barrage of phone calls from BM. I'll just bullet the general idea to save me the agony of having to listen to them word for word again.

* SS2 calls to find out when he is leaving. We did not call him back. (Read: BM made SS2 get on phone and call us since we didn't call her back and she hadn't received our letter yet.)

* BM: she will be going down and we either change his flight or he is not coming back (yes, she actually said it) and she will have DH arrested for not sending SS1 (funny how it took her 5 weeks to be concerned with the fact that he didn't come down), DH is selfish, SS2 is sitting right there, SS2 has read DH's letter, and DH can call SS2 and tell him he can't visit his grandparents (we never said he couldn't, he just needs to be back at the pre-arranged time).

* BM: (In a classic case of BM psychiatric chaos, she has discovered how to use her not getting her way as a bonus for her. The previous phone call, just over one hour before this one, was screaming, high pitched babble. This phone call was calm, almost gleeful, with an air of arrogance. It is like you can almost see her brain forming her alternate reality right before your eyes.) She is going back to what we agreed, SS2 can now see what we are like and what she has had to deal with for years, he is witnessing everything, this is a blessing in disguise, we're hurting him, and maybe this way, we'll have time to squeeze in his medical appointment before school starts, since SS2 had to come to her with all his medical concerns.

*BM: calls to inform us that she got the letter about us taking SS2 to the Dr. for a physical shortly after he gets back and that DH will discuss BM's concerns with the Dr. She states "that was all she wanted."

*BM: calls with a litany of family history of thyroid issues, something about some radiation cocktail, her parents want to pay to have SS2's ticket changed, and if we could find it "in our heart" to change the reservation, we are making a big deal out of it, she would never do this if it a medical emergency happened to DH's parents.

*SS1 flew to Former Home State to see both sets of grandparents. While he was with her parents, they of course forced him to talk to BM on the phone. She started bribing with all the things they would do at Christmastime, and SS1 said he didn't think he would be coming at Christmas. On came her tears, her father took the phone from SS1 and said to BM, "Maybe he'll change his mind by Christmas" and winked at SS1. They go to the movies and get a call that BM had to go to the emergency room because she passed out putting a tape in the VCR. SS1 is so disappointed that his time with his grandparents was interrupted by her drama. (Note: BM's father is working, going to the movies, and not having a medical emergency. Surprise, surprise!)

*BM: calls to state that she knows DH's signature and I forged one of the letters we sent her, and that is against the law. (What is really funny is that he did sign it! I think she thinks it was mailed after DH went to Former Home State this week. What a dumb ass!)

*BM: calls to insist that she have the phone number for SS2's Dr. here so she can talk to the Dr. herself. And we better get her the number in a couple days, or else.

So, as of right now, looks like SS2 is coming back on time. Until her brain takes a sharp turn to the right again, anyway. I'm calling Monday to get in to see the Dr. so we can give her all our documentation and give her a heads up about BM calling before we send BM the number. We are also going to get the ER report and hopefully our letter to the ER doc in SS2's medical file and another letter requesting that DH be informed of any appointments made for SS2, so if she calls for his records, that info will go with. We are also going to try to get SS2's Dr. to call the ER Dr. and find out what we asked for in the letter, since we still have had no response from him. We'll see how it goes!

Letter to ER Dr

Since we are unable to reach him by phone, we FedExed a letter to him:

Dr. Emergency Room,

You provided emergency services to SS2 on 7/12/08 for difficulty breathing. I have received a copy your emergency room report.

My first concern is that in your report, there is no indication that you recommended that SS2 receive a barium swallow, a bronchoscopy and a thyroid test. However, SS2’s mother
has informed me that you did and that these procedures/tests MUST be performed. She also indicated in your report that there was some recommendation that this be done when SS2 was 10, however there is no recommendation in his current medical records for this procedure, nor has his primary care physician ever recommended it.

She also stated that his airway had swelled up and that you were unable to maneuver the scope due to this swelling. I also see no indication of that in your report, and specifically the only abnormal finding upon examination seemed to have been “mild redness” and “mild expiratory stridor”.

Just to clarify my position: I have had court ordered physical custody of SS2 and his brother since 2000. His mother and I are not separated, as she indicated in the report, we have been divorced since 2001. There are no current custody issues, SS2’s mother has summer and Christmas visitation. She has a history of court-documented mental illness and this is not the first time she has unsuccessfully used emergency room services for SS2 as a way to effect a change in a current court order.

I tried to contact you by phone the day she notified me of the emergency room visit, 12 days after, on July 24, 2008. I was informed by one of the receptionists that I would be unable to ever speak to you on the phone to discuss SS2’s health with you. A nurse, Dave, was only able to confirm what was stated in the report, and indicated that BM had tried to schedule the procedures to be done on July 17th, however she canceled the appointment. BM stated that she had attempted to have these procedures done, without my knowledge I might add, but was unable to because recommendation was required from SS2’s primary care physician here in CurrentHomeState, as well as copies of his medical records.

I have already notified her that SS2 will be visiting his primary care physician anyway shortly after his return home for his fall sports physical and the issues she has brought up will be discussed. However, as she has threatened to “report” me if these procedures are not performed, I cannot stress to you enough how important it is that I receive either a confirmation or denial in writing of the recommendations she has stated you made, as well as what information any recommendations may have been based on.

I also want to assure you that SS2’s anxiety was not a result of anything I have said to him. He has been in counseling for years to deal with his mother’s erratic behavior. In fact, before he left for the summer, his counselor addressed his concerns about having to agree with statements his mother makes which he knows are not true. The counselor gave him an example of what his goal should be for the summer. If SS2 has blue shorts on and his mother insists they are red, he is to agree with her and say they are red to try to diffuse the effects of her impaired reality, but he is to come home still knowing his shorts are blue. I suspect that this may explain his heightened anxiety.

I can see from the careful wording in your report that you may have had some indication that there was more going on than what was being told to you. Any statements I have made to you in this letter regarding what BM has said to me have been left on my voicemail and I can send/email you a recording if you are concerned about the validity of any of my statements, as well as any court documentation you may need.

I would like to thank you for the attentive care you provided for SS2 during his visit, and am hoping that a written response from you, along with the other information we have about his health, will insure that SS2 receives the most appropriate medical care in the future.

No response yet, we'll see...

Dumb and Dumber!

The following is a response to a post on someone else's blog, who is going through similar things with their BM. I am posting here because mister-m brought up this exact topic in a response. Thank you for concurring!

Just shaking my head, back and forth, back and forth. It has got to be some kind of affliction related to Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Not to the point of actually doing anything to the child to make them sick, but filling their heads to make them "think" they are sick. Ironically, as I looked up Munchausen on the internet to see how to spell it, I came across this list:

Illnesses and conditions that are feigned by Munchausen sufferers

* Acid reflux
* Anxiety disorder
* Arthritis
* Asperger syndrome
* Cancer
* Clinical depression
* Dissociative identity disorder (Multiple Personalities)
* Electrolyte disturbance
* Heart disease
* Lupus
* Kidney disease
* Post-traumatic stress disorder
* Sexual abuse

The only ones our BM hasn't said she has is acid reflux, Multiple Personalities, and Aspergers. She has all the others, though.

I can definitely sympathize with you about the "pink spots", we had to take SS2 to the Dr's and have the Dr explain to him that he would not die from eating sunny-side up/over easy eggs. Another time, SS1 was going to sleep over at one of his friend's houses (I'll call him Sam), while Sam was spending the weekend at his dad's house and SS1 was spending the weekend at BM's. Apparently BM informed SS1 that his sister at BM's house had a rash and BM thought it might be "Scarlet Fever" - ooooooh, scary sounding and garnering lots of sympathy? Well, unfortunately for SS1, he told Sam's dad and step-mom about it during the car ride back to their house. Step-mom happened to be pregnant and they flipped out thinking they had some Scarlet Fever carrier in their car. They made him sit outside their house until BM came to pick him up. No sleepover for SS1. And no Scarlet Fever for SS1's sister!

I forgot to add in this post reply, that one time SS2 had poison ivy all over him. We took him to the dr's (not the emergency room!) and he got an allergy shot and we were told to have him take baths in Epsom Salts. He had been doing that for about a week, then it was BM's weekend, and we sent over the salts with instructions. At 12:30 in the morning, we get a call from her saying that she had just got off the phone with Poison Control and that the Epsom "Salts" were causing edema in his legs and she had pulled him out of the bathtub and would not be having him take the bath again. Seriously! DH called Poison Control after getting off the phone with BM, and believe it or not, actually talked to the same operator that BM did. She said she never told BM edema could occur from soaking in Epsom Salts. (Apparently, SS2 must have eaten the "salts" before they dissolved in the water - hee, hee). Needless to say, when SS2 came back 1 1/2 days later, in the tub he went with the Epsom Salts.

Good grief! Dumb and dumber.

Flight Issues

So now she is leaving messages saying that she is driving from Her Current Home State to Our Former Home State with SS2 to see her parents, and that we must change SS2's flight to leave from that state instead.

She has known all summer what his reservation was and she agreed to it. Never did she say he would be leaving from a different state. She also did not plan this trip until she found out SS1 (who has spent the summer with us) was going down to visit her parents in a couple weeks. She is trying to get SS1 cornered at her parents' house. Unbelievable!

When SS1 found this out, he said he only wanted to visit DH's parents instead if BM was going to be at her parents, but we decided he should be able to see them, so he is flying down early instead. We discussed with SS1 that this was exactly why we don't typically tell them about plans such as this, because they blab to the Grandparents and then BM finds some way to screw everything up. He had bugged the crap out of us about seeing his Grandfather, and we knew he was feeling bad about not getting to see his sister, and we really though he had wised up enough to keep his trap shut. His response was "But I didn't think she would drive all the way down to do that." Hello, your own mother called the police on you for acting like a teenager and you didn't think she could pull this off? Wake the @$#*%! up!

DH tried to ask her to just leave a few days early so she could be back in time to get him on the scheduled flight, but she said she "had plans" and wasn't changing her plans. Hello, what about the plans she had with us first? She then starting laying into DH about the whole Spring Break thing, so he hung up. Unfortunately we were talking to SS2 before she got on the phone. SS2 called back about 10 minutes later, and can you believe this, starting apologizing to us, saying, "I didn't know she was going to get like that." Wake the @$#*%! up!

DH told him there was nothing to apologize to us for and to just do what he had to do to have a good rest of his summer (in other words, tow BM's line until he can get out of there!)

Her last message reiterated that she wasn't changing her plans and DH had to change the flight, implying that she was not sending SS2 back if the flight wasn't changed. She also threatened DH and said if he didn't get those medical tests for SS2 that she was "reporting" him. Oh, and get this, she said SS2 had told her he had an "open ended flight". The email we sent on April 15 had a date - that is clearly not an open-ended flight, nor did SS2 book his reservation, so why would she think a 13 year old was a reliable source of this information?

I knew she would mess this summer up!

There are two alternative tracks she could take. One would be to really go to see her parents and really not send SS2 back. This is the scenario we have been dreading and looking forward to at the same time. This would be our slam dunk as far as going back to court. But it would also be a pain in the ass for the boys and us.

The other would be to cancel her trip to see her parents or do it after SS2 leaves and then blame DH for the fact that SS2 couldn't see her parents. Conveniently omitting the information that she had since April to plan this trip around SS2's flight and didn't. I think SS2 would see through this strategy and it could most certainly be addressed in counseling and while it would do less damage in the long run, is nothing we can use in court.

Here's an idea, how 'bout we all get to have a NORMAL @$#*%! SUMMER!

This is one of those days : (

So BM leaves DH a message saying that SS2 now needs a barium swallow or a scope shoved down his throat! She's claiming he should have had this done when he was 10. Oh, and a thyroid test. Neither was recommended by his original surgeon, his primary physician or his ER doctor. BM is obsessed with medical procedures. She said she already tried to get SS2 appointments to have the procedure done this summer (without even informing DH), but they require his primary physician's approval and she's not able to get his medical records, because she hasn't figured out all she has to do is call the school to find out where he got his last physical. (We are not withholding this info from her maliciously - years ago she refused to accept our certified mail when we were sending her newsletters of all the pertinent info for the boys and said from then on she would be finding everything out on her own, we are merely following her request.) We responded to her VM message with the following letter (but then she called back, leaving another message backtracking about how she wanted to make sure we didn't think she was "ordering" us, but that she was just concerned about it, so we sent a muted down version of the letter instead. Unfortunately we took out the part about the flight, because that is the next problem that has arisen, next post...


"I got your phone message today regarding SS2’s trip to the emergency room on 7/12/2008. I am glad that you are finally notifying me of this visit 12 days after it occurred.
While I understand you have always had a hard time overcoming SS2’s medical issues he had as an infant, I can assure you that he has no long term effects from his surgery. I have discussed this issue with his primary care physicians over the years and there was also no indication from the surgeon who treated SS2’s vascular ring that there would be any long term issues. It was not recommended that he receive a barium swallow at age 10, and I find it odd that this is now a concern for you 3 years after the supposed “recommended” age.

Dr. ER at Blah Blah Medical Center also did not recommend either a barium swallow or have difficulty examining SS2 during his visit. In fact, all indications were perfectly normal, except for some mild redness in his throat. Dr. ER also did not recommend a thyroid test. SS2’s weight has been discussed when he received his last physical, and it was recommended that he work on his diet and exercise more. I have been working with him to make better eating choices and have provided him with many physical activities to increase his level of exercise. It was my understanding that you were working on this with him as well at the YMCA gym near your home.

Please rest assured that at his next physical, which will need to be soon after he arrives home August 20th in order for him to play in fall sports, that I will address the issue again with his primary care physician and also ask if there is any indication that SS2 should have a thyroid test, besides just your opinion.

As far as SS2 seeing a physician in Your Current Home State, I feel that it would not be the best use of the short time SS2 has remaining for his visit. Your concerns are non-emergency and can be most thoroughly addressed by his regular physician here in Our Current Home State. I’m sure Dr. Tried to get in but couldn't 'cause I didn't have the record’s office would agree as well.

SS2 also discussed with me your interest in having him fly from Our Former Home State to Our Current Home State at the end of his visit. His flight this summer was already changed once due to your request, and I will not be changing his currently booked flight. He is to be on AirTran Flight 000 leaving Blah Blah Airport in Airport City, Your Current Home State at 6:10 pm, August 20th."

We ended up not sending this exact letter, because she left a much calmer message saying that she wasn't trying to tell us what to do, so we took out a lot of the rebuttal info, since we didn't want her to be on to what we knew about the situation.

We knew it! Summer ER Trip #1 continued...

Got SS2's medical records in the mail today. BM is so full of crap it isn't even funny. And she thinks just because she tells someone something and they write it down it is true!

This is the choking on an ice cube incident.

Dr's notes:

"His mother reports that the patient had vascular ring surgery when he was 5 months old. He lives with his father in Current State and is visiting mom for the summer. He apparently was supposed to have a formal endoscopic exam at age 10, but mother states that this did not happen. His parents are separated and there appears to be some custody issues."

Only the first two sentences here are accurate. No formal endoscopic exam was ever recommended and this issue has been discussed with his primary care physician and he stated that there was nothing that needed to be done as SS2 aged.

But really, if she was that concerned, why did she wait until he was 13 to complain about it? She has had him for several weeks each summer since then, why did she not make him an appointment?

Hello, they are divorced, not separated, and there are no custody issues. DH has physical and she does not. What is the issue?

She had the doctor perform an oropharyngoscopy and a soft tissue neck x-ray. Are you kidding me? Talk about having a child undergo unnecessary medical procedures!

"His airway was wide open, and other than some mild redness as noted above in the right hypopharynx. He had normal-appearing cords, and all the other structures were of normal appearance without evidence of any edema or airway compromise. I visualized through the cords, and this also appeared normal proximally...His symptoms seemed to be somewhat accentuated by anxiety."

"When I came into the room to perfrom the procedure, the patient had a brief episode of being upset and tearful. His mother stated that he was upset because his father told him to not go to the emergency room before he left Current State to visit his mother this summer. The nursing staff came to me at discharge and stated that his mother requested that I put this in my dictation."

Gee, do you think he might be nervous because he knows his mom is making the Dr stick something down his throat over something stupid, just so she can take jabs at DH? I find it interesting that the 13 year old did not say that DH told him not to go to the emergency room, his mother did. I'm sure SS2 was told not to talk. And she really thinks that because she had something put into the dictation that that somehow verifies it? And why would we tell him that when we know he has no choice in the matter anyway, that once she sees some avenue to disparage DH she is going to no matter what.

Now we know why SS2 called us that night to tell us about it. He knew it was wrong and what she was saying was wrong and he wanted us to find out about it. What to do now, though? Just wait until she tries to use it somehow?

Personally, I think this makes her look like a freak with an agenda, but what do you think a judge would think? I know I'm too close to this to have a rational opinion.

I smell something fishy!

SS1 called BM's mom today to get her Tuna Fish Salad recipe.

Surprise, surprise, SS2 calls this afternoon, because he hasn't talked to SS1 "in a while". In four weeks, he hasn't called to talk to SS1 specifically.

What really happened:

BM's mom called BM and told her that she spoke to SS1 and BM got SS2 to call here to get SS1 on the phone so BM could take the phone from SS2 and SS1 would be stuck talking to BM and listening to her crap.

Thankfully, SS1 is spending the night at a friends, enjoying his summer, and can have a day off from the drama.

Society is Fueling the NPD/BPD Fire!

The whole cell phone issue has me thinking...

I used to think that once judges caught on to the "typical" NPD/BPD behavior, we would see less people getting away with those types of behaviors. But it has dawned on me that society as a whole is becoming more narcissistic and actually condones this type of behavior.

At the core of this theory is the trend of dependence and being better than everyone else.

It is now expected that you can be reached at all hours of the day or night via text, email, cell phone, and if you can't be, you almost have to make up excuses about the power going out or your battery dying. As a business owner, I feel technology can make us more efficient, but shouldn't our personal lives be more, um, personal?

Parents are now going on job interviews with their adult children.

And employees are interviewing employers, instead of the other way around.

Children are not allowed to fail at anything. Everyone gets an award, goals are celebrated even if not achieved, just for the fact of trying. We are training narcissistic behavior in our schools.

It is acceptable for a 30-something to still be living with their parents. And pay no rent. And take money. And then get angry if they have to follow some rules (yes, I watched People's Court today : )

The credit/housing snafu is a huge example of setting unrealistic goals - really, you think you can afford that 5 bdrm house working at McDonald's. Part-time. Sign on the dotted line.

Like taking advantage of others? Here, let the Federal and State governments help you out. You can shun all responsibility for your sexual behavior, keep popping out children and they will pay you! To sit home, on your ass. Even better, if you can get Child Protective Services involved in your dysfunctional family, they will even give you free daycare. So now, you can sit at home, on your ass, and not even have to watch the kids. And then whine to your parents about how you have no money to do anything with the kids and get Grandma and Grandpa to fund your social life, your cell phone, and vacations. Even better, don't do it all with one man, do it with several, and watch the cash come in.

You know that expression, "she thinks her shit don't stink"? There is a growing population that believes they don't even shit. And why should they?

The Cell Phone Drama

This past Christmas, BM called while SS2 was with her to say she wanted to get SS2 a cell phone for a present. DH explained to her that the rule in our house is that the kids don't get cell phones until they are 16. We have had this rule since they first asked for them, around age 8 or 9. This is not a new rule, and SS1 and SS2 have been fully aware of it since then. DH told her she was more than welcome to get a cell phone for SS2 at her house, because we do not interfere in the rules at her house, but he would not be able to have it at our house.

Next ensued a 4 day crisis about cell phones, and what would SS2 do if he was lost in the woods (we live in a rural area)? Daily calls about something that DH had already addressed with her. She even got Perpetual Fiance to call DH and "see if we can work something out." Merry, Merry Christmas!

There is one reason we are not allowing cell phones in our home until the kids are 16. They don't need one. We live in a rural area and they don't even come in consistently at our home, so you really only need it when you are out. The only times the boys are out are when they are with one of us, at school, or with a friend's parent. We are involved parents and know where the children are at all times. We don't let them wander in the woods, take off without telling us, or change plans without prior approval. Children have functioned for hundreds of years without their own cell phone. We do feel when someone starts driving, especially a second hand vehicle, it is important that they can call in an emergency. At 16 they will also be with us less of the time and making more plans "on the fly" since it won't involve us driving them anywhere. We feel at 16 (and driving) it would be appropriate to have a cell phone (not to be used while driving, however!).

What I find interesting about the whole thing is that BM still can't let it go. We just talked to SS2 for our weekly Sunday call, and he let DH know that BM was out getting him a cell phone, and that he wanted us to know it had nothing to do with him. Apparently BM has it in her head and has told SS2 that there is a "law" that says we have to give him a cell phone if she buys it. If any of you have heard of the "Child Cell Phone" legislation that has been passed, please let me know the statute # so I can look it up!

DH told SS2 not to worry about it, that it was something for him and BM to work out. DH got off the phone and laughed, 'cause if she does send it home with him, it is going straight into a box and being sent back to her.

This cell phone is her miracle fix for several problems right now:

1) She knows it is against our rules, so she want to show SS2 how unreasonable and cruel we are.

2) She wants to stick it to SS1 for not towing her line and giving SS2 a cell phone at 13 when SS1 will have had to wait until he is 16 (notice she's not buying one for SS1 or worried if SS1 gets lost in the woods!).

3) She cannot accept the fact the boys may not be available to talk to her 24/7. She expects that when she wants to talk to them they should be waiting by the phone to talk to her. The cell phone is her way to interrupt any quality time the boys may be having with us or their friends. What would she do if the boys went to camp? Most of them don't allow contact for at least the first 10 days. We don't call the boys hourly or daily when they are with her. We feel once a week is perfectly acceptable for the ages of 13 and 15. We also don't interrupt the boys when they are with their friends just to talk about the weather, our latest trip to the hospital, to bribe them, guilt them, threaten them or complain about how BM has done us wrong. The cell phone will be her vehicle for all of this.

Ring, ring...

Mixed Feelings

Part of me feels sad for SS2 and what he's having to deal with right now - being asked to keep secrets, sneaking to use the phone, going to the emergency room for unnecessary reasons.

But the other part of me, the part that has accepted the fact that both SS1 and SS2 have to come to terms with their mother's mental illness on their own and there is nothing we can do to prevent it, is actually glad that it is finally happening for SS2. Until this past Christmas, he has been a complete babe in the woods as far as BM is concerned. He totally felt that any problems BM had were SS1's fault. Now that SS1 hasn't been to visit BM @ Christmas or this summer, SS2 has no choice but to realize that it has NOTHING to do with SS1.

Hospital memories...

This new round of hospital drama is bringing up all the anger I felt during the first one - see here - I just know she's up to something. Not that money is the end all, but she is extremely jealous that DH and I work hard to provide whatever the boys need, we enjoy vacations, and own a home. Yet at every opportunity she tries to make things financially difficult for us, which she doesn't realize only hurts the boys. It would be one thing if she would just not pay child support and leave us alone, but she doesn't pay anything and then tries to suck anything she can out of us.

1) Money for the lawyers needed to finalize the custody.

2) Money for the lawyer we had to hire to clear up Police Reports Round 3.

3) She tried to stick us with the bill for the emergency room visit in Police Reports Round 2. Not only was DH not allowed to see SS2 for 4 hours by the hospital staff, he was then required to sign paperwork saying he was financially responsible before they would let DH see him. I'm quite sure this is because BM's parents both worked at the hospital and she manipulated something, but that was $1,000 we didn't have at that time. And SHE was the one who brought him there for a cold. Needless to say, we never paid the bill and it "disappeared" after we called the hospital Billing Dept and told them what had happened that night, and that we wanted the number our lawyer should call to settle this matter.

4) During the 9 Days of Hell, she called the police to come to our apartment and take all the boys belongings which we had purchased without any help from her.

5) She made us change SS2's airfare and cancel SS1's airfare for this summer, and of course the only airline that flies from us to her charges for flight changes! You can bet she knows that, too!

6) Then there is the money we spend on having things certified, return receipted, and FedExed, all because she can't be trusted and continually changes what she has said or lies about what has been said to her.

7) And most tragic of all, the hours we have paid for therapy for the boys to be able to wrap their brain around her behavior.

Unfortunately, if how she treats her parents and her Perpetual Fiance is any indication, she will be sucking money out of the boys when they are adults as well.

Called the Hospital

Tried to find out where she took SS2 this weekend to the Emergency Room from the insurance, but they won't know for 30-60 days. So I googled the hospitals in the area, and what do you know, I actually hit it on the first one.

Get this - she gave no insurance information, even though she has a copy of his card, and the account was listed under his name alone. The woman in billing said this was very unusual, since minors are always under one parent or another for billing. In other words, she managed to get the bill in SS2's name, so when she never pays it, it will go on his credit instead of hers. She also did not pay the copay, but the billing person said their policy is to make the person who brought the child in pay it, so we might not have to pay that after all.

I just can't figure out a) why she is keeping it a secret from us and b) why she wouldn't give the insurance information (it's not like she's going to pay the bill). The only thing I can think of is she wants to make a big hassle for us to have to weed through dealing with the insurance company. Lucky for us, SS2 tipped us off and we are taking care of it before it becomes a big mess. She's up to something, though!

Summer Emergency Room Trip #1

SS2 leaves us a message at 1:30 am last night to let us know that BM had taken him to the Emergency Room because he "choked" on an ice cube. I'm pretty sure ice cubes melt inside our bodies, so the likelihood of choking on one seems pretty small to me. I could understand if he was a toddler, but we're talking about a 13 year old here.

So he leaves a message telling us that it happened, but that he was fine. BM didn't even let us know and she has no idea that SS2 told us. I can't believe her! This is why she doesn't have custody. If she did, DH would know nothing about the boys (except when they are not having sex with the girl sleeping over).

SS2 didn't talk about it at all on the phone tonight because BM was standing right next to him when we were talking to him. Then while SS1 was talking to SS2, she got SS2 to ask SS1 to talk to her. She just can't let SS2 be and stay out of all her issues with SS1.

Then she gets on the phone and tells SS1 all the things they bought for SS2 and how much money she spent on him, and by the way, she's sending SS1 a sweatshirt. Apparently, he only gets the consolation prize since he didn't come visit this summer (which in her mind is SS1's fault, not her's).